My plan is to do a junicho because that’s the form I know best.
However, I do consider myself still a beginner so am happy to be pulled up by team members when its looks like my logic has deserted me!
Thanks for the encouragement John. Looking forward to trying my hand at this.
Best wishes,
Sandra
PS I didn’t realise when I became an “administrator” that the monniker I chose in a fit of irony would become the name published on each posting. Ah well, live and learn
Well, although we may be small in number, we are select in talent! Ha!
Are you sitting comfortably? Then let us begin.
Candidates for a competitive hokku gratefully received. I’d like to make each position competitive, unless the junicho itself seems to dictate otherwise.
I intend to make the choice for each position within 48 hours of that position becoming open which should be enough for each time zone to be fully engaged. (Ashley, are we all from the south this time?)
Be sure to make the hokku a seasonal verse and remember that this is the only verse that may be cut (ie, have 2 separate parts/phrase & fragment). I will try and write for each position too, although don’t intend to choose my own poems more than anyone else’s (I just like the writing exercise).
(Sorry if I seem to be teaching your grandmother to suck eggs, but it helps me to put it all down.)
Looking forward to seeing the poems – away we go! Ashley, Gen and Sandra …
You can call me “Badlander”. Just kidding. How are you? You, too, Ash and Gen.
Where is everyone? Usually it’s a full house. Might have been scared off by the new semester starting. Heck, I’m not worried – (gulp!)
Going good, Willie! How about at your end? Yeah, there’s a lot of the Snailers booked up. New semester, yes. It’s here, isn’t it. And full on. Please do!
Thanks everyone for great hokku candidates … and the finalists are:
tumble-down house
the grass seeds
take flight
- Ashley
two inches deep
on the branch -
spring blossom
- Sandra
snowmelt –
one long aahhh
from the raven
- Genevieve (with edit)
moths
tapping at my window
autumn
- Willie (with edit)
Envelope please – and the Oscar, sorry, hokku goes to …
snowmelt –
one long aahhh
from the raven
- Genevieve ( if edit is approved).
This is a striking verse which nevertheless leaves the wakiku room to move. Gen brings in 2 kinds of sound, 2 colours, 2 actions and a great sense of being “in the moment”. If Gen is happy with this edit we will proceed, again competitive for the wakiku.
The second verse should support and “buttress” the hokku, staying in the same season – spring –
but should not be a flower/moon/love verse. Together, the hokku and wakiku may almost be read as a tanka.
C’mon Ash, every lad wants a black leather jacket – and Beatle boots! I know I still do! Reminds me of a verse I wrote in honor of an American blogger/writer pal of mine, Altadenahiker, but a statement pointedly to a converse emotion ( Give her a visit and comment would you? Her birthday coming up. She writes short essays, witty and often often poignant, like a dream ):
( regretful / hanging up her beret / she slips into autumn )
the first green shoots
in the cemetery
I think for rhythm and coherence this works very well. The allusion is a bit cheeky, which I like.
a gum branch
taps on the window
Shortened a bit; a reference to Poe, isn’t it? The only verse shorter than the hokku …
some confusion
in the ivory tower
Allusions to the Tower of London, and maybe the Norsk god Odin, with his two ravens who sat on his shoulders that would fly around the world and report what they witnessed each day.
The cusp of sunrise here, and the the waning crescent beggining to fade. Marking time at 6:45 am.
I rather like Willie’s ‘confusion in the ivory tower’ – with its echo of the legend of the ravens in the Tower of London – particularly as they are still there – each one with a clipped wing – to prevent disaster.
Hard call to choose my own verse, but I think it’s right – let me know if there are any objections. (I also think it’s better with the lines reversed, as above.)
The daisan is a 3-line verse, the first to shift, is non-season and the first of 2 love verses.
Ashley and Willie: I’d like to see a male voice in here so why don’t you 2 battle it out for this position?
Okay, I think we’ve waited long enough, after all, this was supposed to be a “speed” junicho. Never mind, quality is always better.
snowmelt –
one long aahhh
from the raven
– Gen
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
– Sandra
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
- Willie (if edit is approved)
Willie, don’t feel I have chosen this verse because it was the only one offered! In fact, I loved it the moment I saw it. It’s a very open verse, yet has great concrete detail and is something we can all relate to (for girls it was the fear that no one would ask us to dance; I guess for boys it was the courage to walk across to where the girls were and do the asking).
It links the “long aahh” to “rows of chairs” and shifts away from the quiet (dead, even) cemetery to a moment in our lives when we seem to be all tingling nerve endings. Very nice.
Verse position 4 is a 2-liner, non-season and the second of our “love” pair. All contributions welcome.
Oh, thank goodness, because I was “blocked” for another – common to my love verse subs.
Yes, I played (vacillated) with choices for L 3. Good to have another’s ear and preference.
Thanks Willie – mmm, talk or speak – just thinking about the differences – ‘speak’ seems more business like – I guess it has ‘to make a speech’ in it as well – ‘talk’ seems to lend itself more to idle chatter – or flirtations – ‘Speak’ certainly gives it more of a sense of urgency – something serious going on in the darkness… although I quite like the assonance between ‘horse’ and ‘talk’…
Oops! Did I put “speak”? Sorry! Thoughtless of me.
I ‘ve been speaking a bit. Remember talking about “dowsing” for water, Sandra? I auditioned for a part in “The Diviners” school play. I must be mad . . . we already know Ash is.
Ok, just one from me (and a variation, as it seems a bit long) struggling to get back into the rhythm of the working week (A nod to Elvis Costello there I guess)
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven
- Gen
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
- Sandra
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
- Willie
Just got back from being interviewed for the telly – no, really. Ha, but it is a *very* local station and my 3 minutes on the topic of the Haiku Pathway in Katikati seemed to go very fast. If I haven’t already told you all about the pathway, use this link:
I well remember our chat about water dowsers Willie – I found a water pipe for someone the other day, but couldn’t find my lost car key! (Maybe it wasn’t in the house or maybe small things aren’t my thing, dunno why it didn’t work. I was getting conflicting messages all the way and had that happen once before looking for a small, lost item.)
Back momentarily with the next verse choice.
Oh, and I see I’ve reverted to my name, not sure how that happened, but it’s A Good Thing!
Thanks, Gen – right back at you!
Evoking the sense of touch is pretty powerful for a love verse.
Sandra, I don’t imagine it’d be a big problem to use the word ‘love’ and the question is a nice shift. Mine keeps the tone relatively even I guess, which may be easier to link to – but also not be as inventive perhaps
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
- Willie
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
- Ashley
A cracker verse this, Ashley, well done.
In the end the choice was driven by the sheer completedness of the ku. Couldn’t go past it. It’s quite quiet but is full of complexity … and links well from Willie’s verse.
Right, onward.
The next verse is a 3-liner, may be winter or summer and can be a boundary-pusher now that we are in our “ha” phase. My knowledge of jo-ha-kyu is based on John’s eloquent description:
jo – arriving at a party, being introduced; ha – the party’s in full swing; kyu – the party winds down and farewells are made.
I like the action of the kids spitting pips right away. and barrow-man has a wonderful sound when spoken; compare that open vowel phonic with pips and the scene becomes somehow more charming.
Admittedly, I’ve become a bit desensitized to the Duke: I’d watch him Saturday afternoons as a kid on the tel’, along with many other established male stars, but most often in movies from the WWII era, If memory serves. A lot of kids went to ‘Nam under their influence. However, as for the U.S.A. today, we’re involved in six wars simultaneously, mostly undeclared! Thank you Mr. Obama- to think Europe and overseas fawned over this little piece of fluff: Just what the proletariat ordered. I guess I’m not at all surprised. I read the guy like a book from the get-go.
Once again, John Wayne is suddenly all the more pertinant. Too bad Ron Paul wasn’t on the screen . . . he is now though. People should take note, eyes wide open for once. The world is becoming one global community.
I had trouble with L 2 of the Ripple verse – a bit clunky while describing the gag -
as winter deepens
empty bottles ripple
the still pond
Winos like that cheap port wine, too.
One note: summer choices bring us through the seasons chronologcally
Geeze, that’s a tough three to choose from … all show great humour. Probably my favourite verse is the ‘ripple’ but the ‘pips’ is great too, and the ‘desert sun’ really takes the renku to a new place, introducing the idea of ‘thirst’ and the colour of yellow/white, which I like too.
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
- Willie
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
- Ashley
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
- Gen (with edit)
If Gen is happy with this verse, we will head onward.
Willie has pretty well said what my mullings brought me to – the alliteration links to the rhythm of the previous verse and I like the idea of “getting the pip” that is maybe referenced here too. Also, moving chronologically appeals to my tidy mind.
This brings us to a 2-liner non-season … and something with a “ha” personality.
Thank you Sandra – a lovely surprise this morning. I like the chronological movement too.
– just wondering if ‘behind’, where it is, makes ‘selling watermelon’ a bit jerky in the rhythm…
How would this be?
the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids behind spitting pips
or even
kids behind
the barrow-man
spitting watermelon pips
- but then again, placing ‘behind’ first might set a stronger scene – particularly with the alliteration.
I fiddled around with ‘kids spitting pips’ and ‘kids spitting the pips’ (until I’d said it so often it almost became ‘Peter Piper’) – and left ‘the’ in because it seemed to echo the action of the ‘spit’ – as you blow the pip out … but agree it doesn’t fit in with the different rhythm. (And I’m sure this discussion secures my place in the mad basket).
Sandra, I’m happy to go with your edit, or whichever you think is best.
Thanks for the extra insights, Gen. I think we’ll leave it as I have suggested for now and come back to it in when we have the shape of the overall poem and reassess how it sits then.
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
- Ashley
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
Ok, here’s some ideas for the next position. Getting sleepy now…though no doubt I’ll foolishly go and read after this, long into the night. Oh well, there are other, less wholesome vices, aren’t there?
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
- Ashley
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
- Gen
behind his eyes
the die knock together
-
our bright stewardess
does not exactly smile
-
digging a hole deep
in the ice-cream tub
-
sweating through
a just-barely mock sword-fight
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
– Ashley
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
- Gen
dear old Uncle Omar
heads up the parade
Just a quick one from me. I’ve been cast in that production of The Diviners, so now, though ego sufficiently swelled, I find discipline and deadline knocking at my door. I wonder if Bill might like to step into the position I so boldly wrestled away?
Once we’re into the body of a junicho the verses should not be overtly cut. Only the hokku may have an obvious cut.
And now we’ve had “watermelon” we can’t have “peach” (or any other fruit).
I’d like to keep this moving, especially as I leave tomorrow and will be away for a week so shall choose a verse and look forward to your next posting (hard to drop into the middle of something like this, I know. That darn Willie and his ambitions to be the next Brando! )
Okay, so here are the potentials for the next position:
dear old Uncle Omar
headlines the parade
- Willie
our bright stewardess
does not exactly smile
- Ashley
a pop of gunfire
from somewhere close by
- Sandra
But somehow I don’t feel satisfied. This is v6 so we are at our crescendo in terms of dazzling/clever/humorous verses. I’ve tried a couple of mash-ups:
the sound of bagpipes
at gumboot-throwing day
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
the sound of gunfire
as we shift bricks
and would like to use the verse co-written by Ashley and Willie, if they’re both agreeable to the changes.
Just a note: Uncle Omar is the illegal alien uncle of President Obama, who recently was arrested and discovered while driving under the influence of alcohol after nearly colliding with a police car. His slurred response, after having been read his Miranda rights, was ” Let me call the White House (for legal counsel)” His arrest was a fortuitous cicumstance:
Obama’s administration was recently discovered issuing “executive orders” to defer deportation of criminal aliens (including violent offenders, some previously deported and returned) and to make them eligible for work visas and potential citizenship, and also to take advantage of college grants and programs, which was in a bill defeated in Congress three times previously. When first confronted with the evidence of these tactics to garner millions of new Democratic Party voters, the Administration submitted denials.
We’re in a desperate battle here for Constitutional legalities. Yeah, you’re right, Uncle Sam ain’t happy. Your rendition sums it up quite succinctly.
Thanks for your generosity guys, much appreciated.
Have just returned home after the drama of a (small) car collision but still a fright. Mercedes driven by a well-dressed woman of a certain age reversed into me (BTW I’m a poorly dressed woman of a certain age). Still, it was at low speed and no one was hurt; my poor car lost its bumper though.
Further “downing” my mood is news of Jan Bostok’s death. What a loss that is to the haiku community, but aren’t we thankful that she blazed such a trail for us all? She has been released from the pain that this life had become and Beverley George reports that she passed away peacefully.
Despite her infirmities and life tragedies, Jan was a great comedienne – her shocking story of her husband’s suicide attempt, told at Haiku Pacific Rim in 2009, quickly had the room in stitches. Her timing was impeccable and she had a great dead-pan expression.
a file of ants
off to who-knows-where
who-knows-why?
(I’m much confused about the wisdom of this question mark. I could live without it very well. Maybe “ants” is a summer sign, thus out of place here? For what it’s worth, I note that the four previous links have people in them.)
Have taken some advice (thanks Uncle John) on Bill’s implied question re the people verses. My instinct was that it wasn’t a problem, but thought I better check with someone who has a vast amount of experience and knowledge (unlike me! ).
The advice is along the lines of: Balance is the key at the whole poem level. The verses are fine to remain so long as we now avoid the same territory for a couple of verses.
“I think what is most crucial here is that, as you say, the verses are different one from another. Most crucial, in so far as they have similarities, they are in pairs. The first two are close focus and intimate. The second are broader scope and third person. Were they alternating (I/him/you/them + near/far/near/far) it would be much more problematic.”
So there we are. Renku is so full of “things to remember” that it’s difficult to keep everything in mind.
I know I said we’d try and do one more verse before I go, but I’m distracted this morning. So, please, make 3 offerings each and I’ll try and get into an internet cafe somewhere through the week and have a look.
For what it;s worth I think the poem is going very nicely and am very pleased with the verses coming up for each position, makes my task a pleasure.
Well, I think the renku is progressing beautifully, too, and since I just arrived, I can say that with no claim to modesty. It’s great to work with such a talented crew.
I’d like to try a re-do of a previous suggestion, sans ants.
who knows where?
birds fly in all directions
who knows why?
Sorry for the hiatus, but I’m now back on deck and we shall start moving forward again. If any of you have more verses to post for this position, please do so.
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
every morning
settling the threadbare teddy
on my pillow
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
- Sandra (with edit)
Which is, I hope, the right choice. Feel free to comment. I have altered the ku to move it inside, we haven’t had many of those; and changed L3 to eliminate another gerund.
and love Ashley’s scarecrow image. To my way of thinking they should be married. I wonder if Bill or Ashley or both (or Gen too) are willing to try?
The dichotomy of feet and a scarecrow is intriguing me, there’s real mystery there and a chance for a brilliant autumn ku, I feel. And brilliance about now would be most welcome.
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
reeking of beer he crunches
the scarecrow with a dry heave
Well, here’s what I cobbled together from parts available. Beer for whiskey to save a syllable and preserve the double-ee assonance of the words. It seemed that what attracted Sandra’s attention was the sensory stimuli portrayed in Ashley’s lines and mine, so I saved the crunch (auditory) but lost the brown (visual) while preserving dry (tactile) and adding heave (musculo-inertial). The dry heave is gratituous, it just came over me, as they often do. I dunno, maybe you just had to be there.
Thanks Bill. Feel free to play with and develop the idea, spin it off to somewhere new … and post more than one offering! (It makes my job as sabaiki easier if I have several to think about and choose from.)
I’m glad things seem to be moving at foot-pace just here; it give time to think. There’s a lot in your suggestions and Ashley’s contributions to draw together.
Hi Sandra! I like your scarecrow verse above, and the idea of altering mine in someway/combining it with Bill’s – sounds great.
I have to put in my apologies – as I’ll be away for the next few weeks (from Monday), but may have access to the internet, I will try. Otherwise, I certainly don’t mind if you charge on ahead without me/have someone jump in to cover for me/invite a guest verse etc, whatever you think it best, of course, sabaki
Here’s an attempt to marry those lines/images
tossed into the fire
the scarecrow smokes and crackles
/
tossed onto the bonfire
the old scarecrow smokes and crackles
(second version is quite long, syllable wise and might not add that much detail, really)
Okay, posted those to see if things became any clearer …. Ashley, had to edit yours as we couldn’t repeat “smoke”.
Bill, if you are happy with that verse, that’s the one I’d like to go next. (Please double check that I’m not missing something here.)
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
crunching beneath every foot
the scarecrow’s innards
- Bill (with edit)
PS: It could be argued that these are animal feet so I don’t think we have a problem with “parade” and “feet”. Do you prefer “innards” or “guts” or even “brains”??
LOL, as the scarecrow made clear to Dorothy, they do not have brains. “Guts” is rather too damp a word for a scarecrow to be associated with, evoking inner rot and aggressive animal appetites, besides, it is so hard to work “innards” into a conversation that I feel you should not allow the opportunity to pass un-seized. All said and done (and I’ve given considerable thought to the matter), I like best Ashley’s quasi-original,
“reeking of whiskey
he gives the scarecrow a shove”
Just to clarify … are you saying Bill that you *don’t* want your ku chosen here or that you don’t like the edit?
I wouldn’t be choosing the verse of Ashley’s that you have suggested, regardless, because of the pronoun which we are staying away from for a few verses …
If you don’t like the edit I have suggested, that’s fine and we shall begin again. A fresh page, as it were.
No, I’m very happy with your edit. I was simply expressing an opinion, one of many, and dancing around the point that I can not think of anything better to suggest. Please proceed with what you think best.
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
crunching beneath every foot
the scarecrow’s innards
- Bill
Our next verse is 3 lines, autumn … and our flower verse. It’s a chance to be creative with our local flora. Afterall, anyone can do spring flowers but it takes a special kind of poet (ahem, us) to do something different.
I look forward to your verse offerings (please, now that we are 3 try and offer more than 1 verse per position, thanks).
Oops, pardon me, we have a repeat of the word “every”. Oh, darn.
Okay, I feel I am pushing this verse position too hard, trying to fit in something that doesn’t want to go, that can’t go. So, good try everybody and thanks for your efforts, but …
Let’s take this one instead. A quieter verse to be sure, but nothing wrong with that. I liked it when I first read it but was seduced by the scarecrow, silly girl that I am!
first autumn chill
and the pot-belly talking again
- Gen
Thank you Sandra – nice to have the pot-belly, although sad to see the scarecrow go.
was thinking of the following, the swamp bloodwood flowers from late summer to autumn, but not sure if we can have two bird verses – even if a different type of bird…
parrots squabbling for space
in the hot-pink
bloodwood blooms
It occurs to me that we have a botany situation: those of us in opposing hemispheres may not know the plants familiar to others. Swamp bloodwood and fire flowers are new to me and perhaps others may not know that Michaelmas daisies are a common flower in the US. The tea plant (camellia sinensis) blooms in the fall, quite nice simple white flowers with masses of yellow stamens. The US native Franklin tree has interesting history, if you google it, and blooms right up to hard frost, with leaves changing to scarlet and purple. Now you know.
All is good, happy with everything I’ve read – I skimmed and don’t have time to add anything other than the fact that I like everything as it’s turned out.
Will trya nd get back online again before ageku!
Yes, and quite a few bees are found above. Pardon, my suggestions were the product of a nighttime disturbance rather than careful consideration. Here’s a re-do of the Michaelmas dasies. The hyphens are to indicate that each flower contains both yellow and white, rather than some being yellow and some being white, what do you think?
now yellow-and-white
Michaelmas dasies brighten
her neglected yard
Yay, an embarrassment of riches. Well done. Gen I happen to have 3 Stenocarpus sinuatus trees growing just down the street from my house. They’re not particularly good specimens, but they do flower well.
My favourites are:
the scarecrow’s head
crowned
with wheel of fire flowers
- Gen
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas dasies brighten
the neglected yard
- Bill
from the spout
of the raku pot
a scent of bergamot
- Sandra
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
first autumn chill
and the pot-belly talking again
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas dasies brighten
the neglected yard
- Bill (with edit)
The next verse is 2 lines, non-season and in the kyu phase, the quietening down as we head towards our farewells.
I think Bill’s verse links the phase we are just leaving and the next one rather nicely and the “white” alludes to the season without mentioning snow or frost.
We could probably introduce a pronoun here again, if we wanted. I think there is now enough distance from “Uncle Sam”. But we don’t have to.
Thanks for some great verses for this flower position.
Sandra, there seems not to be a “reply” button on your comment of Sept. 22, so I’ll interject here my appreciation of the subtle and adroit hand you demonstrate as sabaiki. I’m flattered to have my daisies picked.
And here are some proposals for the next link, though I think perhaps I’ve had my share of the spotlight for now.
torn calendar in the trash
ruffled months without a year
such heavy overcast
obscures the time of day
cutting when the knife is sharp
without regard for season
Thank you, Gen. It’s always difficult to choose one’s own verse, but I think that is what I will do this time. It’s contemplative nature feels right here.
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
first autumn chill
and the pot-belly talking again
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas daisies brighten
the neglected yard
as he sharpens the spade,
one of the old hymns
I think hymn is far enough removed from dance music, both literally in our poem and by genre, to be all right for this position, but if anyone has any heistations, please feel free to raise them.
Otherwise, we move along – the next position is our penultimate verse, 3 lines and again non-season. Remember, we are in a quieter phase of the poem – the party is winding down and guests are taking their leave.
FYI the final verse, the ageku is to be summer moon.
Ashley, I like the idea of you being on Roman time – XII or IV? BC or AD?
Yes, these are valid edits. I was thinking of “everything” as the fourth item in that sequence, purposely breaking the idiomatic structure of “everything but” for some effect I can’t actually put a name to at this moment. Just to make the reader stop and think, I suppose. And the notion of calling a spade a spade lies at the heart of the “hemming…” one. Your shortened edition covers the ground equally well, perhaps better.
Thanks for the thumbs-up on my ku Bill but, on reflection, I think there is the danger of autumn being read into it – “rusty” and “wind” – and this is a no-season position.
So my choice for the penultimate verse is Gen’s lovely ku:
through the gathering dusk
the cows
and their slow bells
- Gen
Which brings us to the ageku (final verse), as important in its way as the hokku. The ageku should somehow sum up the tone of the poem, be a fitting farewell and, oh yes, be a winter moon verse! Not much going on there, then.
Good luck with this one, and don’t feel constrained to stop at 3 offerings.
Ashley so good to hear from you, I delayed my selection for this round hoping that you would pop in! Everyone has worked so hard, thank you for all the great verses.
I like Bill’s “all night the moon creeps” – it gives a nice echo of the long drawn out “aahhh” of the raven and takes us back full circle to the hokku.
I like Ashley’s verse which takes us back to the village/town/city where quite a lot of the action of this renku has taken place. I like it’s practical tone and the lovely image of a large moon coming up over a row of houses.
And I like yours Sandra for the twist in it and the focus on stories – our story in particular. To me it has a sense of an ending – the end of the day, when stories are told, and the bonus of some tension – the wanting. There’s the feeling that everyone loves and wants a story, no matter how old.
All in all I think “too old for stories, midwinter moon” is my favourite.
Hope the weather in Italy is good Ashley – and I’m sure the food is!
I hope you find this acceptable as an ageku. Bill, in the end I found your lovely ku “all night the moon creeps” just a little too close to the preceding verse “through the gathering dusk” to be comfortable.
Please speak up, anyone, if this doesn’t seem like the best verse choice.
As you will see, I have also named the junicho. When I was copying the poem into a word document so I could read it easily as we went along, the “save” prompt named it snowmelt and that seemed entirely appropriate. Clever old Bill Gates.
I have made small amendments to V3, V5 & V8 so please read the poem as presented in the previous post and comment. I am happy to undo those edits, which have been made mostly in the interests of rhythm, if others feel they don’t improve the overall junicho.
(Gen, I know that logically a barrow doesn’t sell watermelon, but “man” seemed to be holding the ku back in some way. What do you think? We talk about buying from hot-dog stands, pie carts and ice-cream vans so we could get away with it.)
Thank you all for your support and enthusiasm – my first run as a sabaiki has been very pleasant because of that and I am pleased with the poem that has resulted. I hope you are too.
I have asked John Carley, my mentor in all things renku, to have a read and comment too. I have his permission to quote him and thought that would be useful because, as always, there are some good teachings points in his critique.
In part, he says:
“What is particularly striking is the quality of the linkage. It is intelligent without being intellectualised. It takes the reader forward and rewards at every unfolding. The absolute sine qua non of renku – that the dynamic relies in the movement between verses rather than in the content of the verses themselves – is realised throughout.” Go team Snowmelt!
He does point up one possible flaw, which had escaped my attention (and I may never have noticed!):
“Three of the first five verses use directly stated locations via a preposition: v#2 ‘in’; v#3 ‘in’; v#5 ‘behind’. There is no technical ‘rule’ that is being broken here (as there might arguably be if ‘in’ appeared twice in the leap-over relationship c.f. kannonbiraki) however it is perhaps worth considering dropping one instance of ‘in’. In so far as the majority of verses in the sequence use run-on syntax I don’t think a further instance of parataxis would be a problem (c.f. v#10, v#12). And given that the hokku is quite short, perhaps the best way to ease the transition is to ‘tighten’ the wakiku. I therefore get something like
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven /Gen
cemetery gates,
the first green shoots /Sandra
Just maybe this also enhances the effect of circularity which the excellent ageku achieves.”
He does have a question for us – we don’t have ravens in this country so Gen it is yours to answer:
“One quirk in passing … I know you southern hemisphere types like to be different but round here ravens never make a sound as soft as ‘aahhh’. I wonder if the sound might be hardened up: ‘graaahhk’ is what mine say! (Hmmn… I wonder if that’s why the word ‘gates’ came to mind for the wakik?)”
Just a comment: I observe that as distance increases, the sound of a raven (or crow or dog) seems, fainter, higher and reduced to a simple vowel. To experience the full “graahhk” effect, one need be within hand-feeding distance, I think.
Firstly, congratulations Sandra on your first go as sabaiki. I have really enjoyed being involved and like the poem a lot.
A discussion on the calls of the Australian raven – what a delightful thing to have. There are many different calls from this bird – the one I had in mind definitely starts with an open sound of aahhh. It is guttural and croaky – particularly at the end, but I don’t think it starts with a ‘gr’ sound. To my ears it’s a long drawn out, descending sigh, becoming guttural and more croaky towards the end. I have a link here from wikipedia – I hope the link works. There’s a recording of several raven calls – the last one on the tape is the sigh – or ‘aahhh’ – sometimes it’s longer and more drawn out.
Have to be away from the computer for a few hours – I’ve posted a comment with a link to the raven’s call, which is being checked. Will get back to this very interesting discussion later in the day.
(John, it’s nice to hear from you in this renku, I hope you are well.)
Getting back to the call of the raven – I’m not sure if the link is going to succeed – perhaps it just takes a long time to check it.
In any case, perhaps you can google the Australian Raven and you may get the wikipedia link. Down at the bottom of the page there are some recordings – the first one has the long drawn out ‘aaahh’ amongst some others.
John, this is one quote from the Australian Musuem, and most bird books give a very similar description: “Australia Raven … the territorial call is a slow, rather high ‘ah-ah-ah-aaaah’ with the last note drawn out.” Another adds: …”The last note is very drawn out. It also utters a wailing call, almost a baby like call.”
I would call it a long, descending sigh, becoming more guttural at the end. (I’m afraid if my other post comes up eventually, I’ll be repeating myself).
Perhaps our ravens have developed some rather different calls. The ‘aaaah’ is a wonderful sound that can be eerie, mournful, lonely and sometimes, strangely, almost comical.
The question of too many prepositions introducing verses in the poem has made me wonder if the ‘barrow-man’ verse could go back to its original form which was “a barrow-man/selling watermelon/kids spitting pips” – is it strong enough without ‘behind’? Would adding a coma at the end of the second line help? But if not, I’m fine with your edit Sandra.
John, I wonder if you are leaning a bit more towards the “aaaah”? I know it’s not a soft sound, but I can’t think of any letter combination that describes it more accurately. We could add a ‘k’ to the end, but listening to it it really does seem to just trail away without a hard consonant to finish.
HI!
Just dropped in from a full weekend – Immediately, I noticed a note on the Raven’s call. I’ve noticed some crows have different “accents” depending on where they originate from here in Minnesota –
the crow’s voice
unlike I remember
new year’s day
I was on the other side of the river when I heard these strangers. They seemed more soft-spoken, a different inflection, being from out-of-town. Noticed the same with the extended family that frequents the school grounds to the north. They sound more content. Why not, drawing, as they do, on the student population’s ample leavings and close to wood, field and crops. And no student loan balances! A thirty % increase in enrollment three years running; plenty of fodder for the academic mill. Don’t tell me those crows aren’t smart. Ah, there’s my city dwelling crew now, right on time – racous bastards! I observe their conversations through the east window just after dawn.
Right, first impressions – nice movement here, enabled by the edits in Jo. Smooth – a fluidity unhampered by excess words. I like how Bill’s daisies offer respite from an unintended theme (in my mind) of hardships secondary to living. Kyu sums up well, from the hymns to an midwinter moon, those slow, unassuming bells offering just the right, placid note. An interesting journey, indeed.
Hi Willie,
Yes ravens are definitely smart and it’s amazing how they can put different inflections on their calls – that long drawn out ‘aaaah’ can even sound ironic!
Hi Sandra,
I think my link post may be lost for all time, so I’ll just say what I said, which was congratulations to you on your first run as a sabaiki! I have really enjoyed being involved and I like the poem a lot.
Just a couple of things as I look at the poem as a whole – perhaps we should make the raven’s call ‘aaahh’ or ‘aaaah’, as it is in the bird books – it make sense to have more of the ‘a’ than the ‘h’.
And one last question – would there be too many ‘ings’ if we had ‘first autumn chill/and the pot-belly talking again’ ? I think ‘talking’ gives a better sense of the pot-belly as it continues to shift and settle, creaking on through the day and night. Oh, and I just noticed you’ve used the ampersand symbol in that verse, which is fine with me, but I wondered if you intended to.
As Willie says, the poem gives us an interesting journey indeed. Thank you.
Thank you Gen for your kind comments on my baptism as sabaiki, fortunately it has all been fairly straightforward.
I think you’re right about the raven’s call, I will change that.
Yes, I deliberately inserted the ampersand in the pot-belly verse, I was concerned about the visual length of the 2nd line and it was an effort to shorten it a little. I agree about the gerund, and shall replace.
Looking at “barrow man” again, I wonder if it should be:
a barrow-man
selling watermelon,
kids spitting pips …
Got the post approved eventually, Gen – but it’s stuck back up there in the message trail. WordPress defaults to blocking posts with 2 links or more in it, catches a lot of spam that way, but sadly, also a few of our posts. I’m usually quicker to check the spam folder though
among the gravestones
the first green shoots /Sandra
two rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance /Willie
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair /Ashley
a barrow-man
selling watermelon,
kids spitting pips … /Gen
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade /Ashley, Willie
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots /Sandra
first autumn chill
& the pot-belly talking again /Gen
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas daisies brighten
the neglected yard /Bill
as he sharpens the spade,
one of the old hymns /Sandra
through the gathering dusk
the cows
and their slow bells /Gen
too old for stories,
midwinter moon /Sandra
Composed at Issa’s Snail between August 13 and October 4, 2011.
Participants:
Ashley Capes – Australia
Bill Dennis – United States
Genevieve Osborne – Australia
Sandra Simpson – New Zealand (sabaki)
William Sorlien – United States
It’s been a real pleasure to write with you all, and under Sandra’s considerate but decisive direction. I enjoy the process actually more than the finished product, which I think is the way it’s supposed to be. I concur that the above edits make it tighter, smoother and better. Less really is more. There were many judgement calls, when the sequence could have taken a different direction, but judgement is what the sabaiki pulls down the big bucks to perform, and if Gen had not so confessed, I would never have known she was serving in executive capacity for the first time. A couple of times we approached the matter of differing flora and fauna being un-recognizable to residents of opposing hemispheres, but it was never a real problem. A great deal of travel took place while we worked, Ashley sojourned in Rome; Willie entered the world of show-biz; Sandra visited the Wiz in Oz and I went on a weekend jaunt to Long Island. But still, the flow was veritably uninterrupted. I pray that my name be remembered if ever there is a renku spot in need of filling again. It’s been a treat, really it has.
Thank you Bill, that’s very generous praise. Let us, indeed, hope that we work together again. I too, have thoroughly enjoyed it all. Can’t ask for more.
I’m thinking of sending this off to the new “A Hundred Gourds” journal, always nice to support a new venture. Submissions to the first issue have closed, but I’ll keep an eye open for the next round and keep you posted (it’s an online production, BTW).
It reads very smooth and I think it’s pretty wonderful to hear that the links are subtle without being overly intellectual! I love the simple title too, and the closing half is tops, grand choices all!
Sorry I couldn’t be as involved in the second half, my holiday crept up on me. And I laughed, Sandra, when I read your post about Roman time!
And maintaining the Snail is my pleasure! Loved working with you all, and particularly fine leadership from Sandra I feel, especially, as Bill noted, how we were a little far flung around the globe in time and space!
Subbing it sounds great to me, would love to see this one in a journal – they take renku that have composed online, don’t they?
Hi all,
My plan is to do a junicho because that’s the form I know best.
However, I do consider myself still a beginner so am happy to be pulled up by team members when its looks like my logic has deserted me!
Thanks for the encouragement John. Looking forward to trying my hand at this.
Best wishes,
Sandra
PS I didn’t realise when I became an “administrator” that the monniker I chose in a fit of irony would become the name published on each posting. Ah well, live and learn
I’m in too, Sandra! (Will update the Schedule page)
and I’m in too.
Well, although we may be small in number, we are select in talent! Ha!
Are you sitting comfortably? Then let us begin.
Candidates for a competitive hokku gratefully received. I’d like to make each position competitive, unless the junicho itself seems to dictate otherwise.
I intend to make the choice for each position within 48 hours of that position becoming open which should be enough for each time zone to be fully engaged. (Ashley, are we all from the south this time?)
Be sure to make the hokku a seasonal verse and remember that this is the only verse that may be cut (ie, have 2 separate parts/phrase & fragment). I will try and write for each position too, although don’t intend to choose my own poems more than anyone else’s (I just like the writing exercise).
(Sorry if I seem to be teaching your grandmother to suck eggs, but it helps me to put it all down.)
Looking forward to seeing the poems – away we go! Ashley, Gen and Sandra …
That all sounds great, Sandra – and I think we’re all in the southern hemisphere, yeah. Unless WIllie sticks around?
Ok, here’s few from me
instead of bushfires
big dragonflies
this year
angry neighbours
gardening
the sun on my neck
tumble-down house
the grass seeds
take flight
Helio Renku Leader,
You can call me “Badlander”. Just kidding. How are you? You, too, Ash and Gen.
Where is everyone? Usually it’s a full house. Might have been scared off by the new semester starting. Heck, I’m not worried – (gulp!)
I’ll lay back and see what transpires . . .
Going good, Willie! How about at your end? Yeah, there’s a lot of the Snailers booked up. New semester, yes. It’s here, isn’t it. And full on. Please do!
Hello Willie,
Would love to have you participate (and put me straight when needed).
best,
Sandra
Thanks for the offerings Ashley, here’s some from me:
in and out
of the camellias –
silvereyes
exam revision –
birdsong cuts through
the social effects (italics here)
two inches deep
on the branches -
winter blossom
Hello, hello and hello Willie – just checked back in – so thinking now. Offers in a minute. G.
after days of rain
the park still flooded -
my boots suck and squelch
snowmelt and the creek
rushing – one long aahhh
from a raven
one single note
from a crimson rosella
and the morning cracks
Just realised that I may have complicated matters with one of my offers, so will revise it to:
two inches deep
on the branch -
spring blossom
perhaps not seasonal enough –
one single note
from a crimson rosella -
the autumn morning cracks
revising:
one clear note
from a crimson rosella
and the autumn morning cracks
Hello from Minnesota!
moths -
evening moths
come tap at my window
autumn’s approach
evening primrose
a hawk moth’s wings
stir the cool air
Ever see a Hawk Moth in flight? Mistaken for a hummingbird at times
crickets -
cricket song
from every nook and cranny
night autumnal
spiders -
teasing its web
the spider retreats to its lair
approaching autumn
apples -
stolen green apples
from the neighbour’s tree
childrens laughter
boozers –
closing time
drunken reveler’s voices
stir the cool air
We’re about on the cusp of season here. Finally, the oppressive, almost tropical heat
has dissipated, and the night’s are cool, almost chilly.
withered birch
hidden amidst green pine
mistaken for ghosts
“spiders” is kind of long
a tree’s limbs shake
as green apples fall
the children’s laughter
a little less “tell”
Hi Willie – hello from Thredbo where the snow is melting. I like the moths tapping at your window.
and I think my crimson rosella is too long -
one bell note -
a crimson rosella
cracks the autumn morning
crimson rosella -
your one bell note
cracks this autumn morning
or:
one clear bellbird note
and the autumn morning
cracks
and this might be better:
after winter rain
the park still flooded –
my boots suck and squelch
Thanks everyone for great hokku candidates … and the finalists are:
tumble-down house
the grass seeds
take flight
- Ashley
two inches deep
on the branch -
spring blossom
- Sandra
snowmelt –
one long aahhh
from the raven
- Genevieve (with edit)
moths
tapping at my window
autumn
- Willie (with edit)
Envelope please – and the Oscar, sorry, hokku goes to …
snowmelt –
one long aahhh
from the raven
- Genevieve ( if edit is approved).
This is a striking verse which nevertheless leaves the wakiku room to move. Gen brings in 2 kinds of sound, 2 colours, 2 actions and a great sense of being “in the moment”. If Gen is happy with this edit we will proceed, again competitive for the wakiku.
The second verse should support and “buttress” the hokku, staying in the same season – spring –
but should not be a flower/moon/love verse. Together, the hokku and wakiku may almost be read as a tanka.
Thank you for such a great start,
Sandra
Thank you Sandra, delighted to have the raven chosen – the edit is fine with me.
Best wishes, G.
an offer for the wakiku:
icicles
dripping patterns
on the sill
Sorry, should have reminded you – wakiku should 2 lines.
best,
sandra
snowmelt –
one long aahhh
from the raven
as night closes in
the tap of a coin on the bar
a child’s red hat
bobbles down the stairs
the first green shoots
in the cemetery
stepping-stone rocks
across the creek
a gum branch
taps morse code on the glass
bright spring fashions
in department stores
Sandra, I like the child’s red hat.
thanks!
Nice going, Gen.
I’ll have to take a pass on this position. Some confusion in the ivory tower today …
Wait – that’s my submission!
some confusion
in the ivory tower
Thanks Will.
Will wait a little longer to hear from Ashley …
snowmelt –
one long aahhh
from the raven
taking a shortcut home
the rainbow
(trying to follow my own directions to support the hokku!)
Will be back to put a post in tonight, sorry about the delay. Love the hokku, Sandra (and Gen, of course). And i really, really like this one too
the first green shoots
in the cemetery
snowmelt –
one long aahhh
from the raven
to the back of the closet
with my leather jacket
(Not that I actually own one. But just one verse for now, sorry to hold everyone up)
snowmelt –
one long aahhh
from the raven
******
to the back of the closet
with my leather jacket
C’mon Ash, every lad wants a black leather jacket – and Beatle boots! I know I still do! Reminds me of a verse I wrote in honor of an American blogger/writer pal of mine, Altadenahiker, but a statement pointedly to a converse emotion ( Give her a visit and comment would you? Her birthday coming up. She writes short essays, witty and often often poignant, like a dream ):
( regretful / hanging up her beret / she slips into autumn )
the first green shoots
in the cemetery
I think for rhythm and coherence this works very well. The allusion is a bit cheeky, which I like.
a gum branch
taps on the window
Shortened a bit; a reference to Poe, isn’t it? The only verse shorter than the hokku …
some confusion
in the ivory tower
Allusions to the Tower of London, and maybe the Norsk god Odin, with his two ravens who sat on his shoulders that would fly around the world and report what they witnessed each day.
The cusp of sunrise here, and the the waning crescent beggining to fade. Marking time at 6:45 am.
Pardon the typos, please. http://altadenahiker.blogspot.com/
I rather like Willie’s ‘confusion in the ivory tower’ – with its echo of the legend of the ravens in the Tower of London – particularly as they are still there – each one with a clipped wing – to prevent disaster.
Morning all,
Thanks for the responses.
snowmelt –
one long aahhh
from the raven
- Gen
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
- Sandra
Hard call to choose my own verse, but I think it’s right – let me know if there are any objections. (I also think it’s better with the lines reversed, as above.)
The daisan is a 3-line verse, the first to shift, is non-season and the first of 2 love verses.
Ashley and Willie: I’d like to see a male voice in here so why don’t you 2 battle it out for this position?
Best, Sandra
Sorry I’m late to this soiree:
snowmelt –
one long aahhh
from the raven
– Gen
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
– Sandra
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask her for this dance
mmmm . . .
come in Ashley … or any other male who may be interested in posting for this position …
Okay, I think we’ve waited long enough, after all, this was supposed to be a “speed” junicho. Never mind, quality is always better.
snowmelt –
one long aahhh
from the raven
– Gen
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
– Sandra
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
- Willie (if edit is approved)
Willie, don’t feel I have chosen this verse because it was the only one offered! In fact, I loved it the moment I saw it. It’s a very open verse, yet has great concrete detail and is something we can all relate to (for girls it was the fear that no one would ask us to dance; I guess for boys it was the courage to walk across to where the girls were and do the asking).
It links the “long aahh” to “rows of chairs” and shifts away from the quiet (dead, even) cemetery to a moment in our lives when we seem to be all tingling nerve endings. Very nice.
Verse position 4 is a 2-liner, non-season and the second of our “love” pair. All contributions welcome.
Best,
Sandra
Oh, thank goodness, because I was “blocked” for another – common to my love verse subs.
Yes, I played (vacillated) with choices for L 3. Good to have another’s ear and preference.
rows of headstones, too – I like your take on it.
Congrats Willie.
some offers:
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven
- Gen
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
- Sandra
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
- Willie
the soft whinny of your horse
impatient as we talk
the outspread fingers of your hand
firm against my back
fox-trot
and the way you hold me
Ooh, I like the “horse” – a great sense of place is conveyed, and a tension regarding the subject of conversation. Another structure could be -
your horse’s soft whinny
impatient as we speak
Thanks Willie – mmm, talk or speak – just thinking about the differences – ‘speak’ seems more business like – I guess it has ‘to make a speech’ in it as well – ‘talk’ seems to lend itself more to idle chatter – or flirtations – ‘Speak’ certainly gives it more of a sense of urgency – something serious going on in the darkness… although I quite like the assonance between ‘horse’ and ‘talk’…
Looking forward to reading more verses…
Sorry team – forgot to mention that I’d be away for 5 days as a performer at QPF – will be back on board tomorrow or later tonight!
Oops! Did I put “speak”? Sorry! Thoughtless of me.
I ‘ve been speaking a bit. Remember talking about “dowsing” for water, Sandra? I auditioned for a part in “The Diviners” school play. I must be mad . . . we already know Ash is.
http://www3.uakron.edu/dtaa/pdf/Diviners_StudyGuide.pdf
Ok, just one from me (and a variation, as it seems a bit long) struggling to get back into the rhythm of the working week (A nod to Elvis Costello there I guess)
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven
- Gen
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
- Sandra
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
- Willie
-
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
or
an even rhythm
to the untying of hair
Hi everyone,
Just got back from being interviewed for the telly – no, really. Ha, but it is a *very* local station and my 3 minutes on the topic of the Haiku Pathway in Katikati seemed to go very fast. If I haven’t already told you all about the pathway, use this link:
http://www.poetrysociety.org.nz/node/279
I well remember our chat about water dowsers Willie – I found a water pipe for someone the other day, but couldn’t find my lost car key! (Maybe it wasn’t in the house or maybe small things aren’t my thing, dunno why it didn’t work. I was getting conflicting messages all the way and had that happen once before looking for a small, lost item.)
Back momentarily with the next verse choice.
Oh, and I see I’ve reverted to my name, not sure how that happened, but it’s A Good Thing!
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven
- Gen
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
- Sandra
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
- Willie
when they ask us,
what will we say about love?
golden wedding interview,
they nudge each other
the clatter of pearls
as they fall from their silk
We’re opening into the “ha” phase of the poem here so can start to be a bit more ambitious/dazzling with our ku.
However, I’m being indecisive so would like some comment on the verse choices. I particularly like Gen’s:
the outspread fingers of your hand
firm against my back
(I can feel it; it’s a great sense verse)
Ashley’s:
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
(very sensual and sensuous; and the rhythm carries through the words themselves, lovely)
Sandra’s:
when they ask us,
what will we say about love?
(does it matter that “love” is referred to explicity, do you think? Breaking up the flow with a question may not be a bad ploy …)
Look forward to your comments.
I like Ashley’s – the way it pulls the dance through to the next verse.
i get hung up on variations of verse length – must be an anal-retentive thing.
First impression was
an even rhythm
to the untying of hair
made me gasp, and I find
the clatter of pearls
as they fall from their silk
beautifully eloquent.
Second don’t “tell”, the first, a tighter linkage.
I know that don’t help much . . .
Oh, I’d overlooked the pearls, that’s a nice verse too.
And thanks, Willie!
Thanks, Gen – right back at you!
Evoking the sense of touch is pretty powerful for a love verse.
Sandra, I don’t imagine it’d be a big problem to use the word ‘love’ and the question is a nice shift. Mine keeps the tone relatively even I guess, which may be easier to link to – but also not be as inventive perhaps
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven
- Gen
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
- Sandra
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
- Willie
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
- Ashley
A cracker verse this, Ashley, well done.
In the end the choice was driven by the sheer completedness of the ku. Couldn’t go past it. It’s quite quiet but is full of complexity … and links well from Willie’s verse.
Right, onward.
The next verse is a 3-liner, may be winter or summer and can be a boundary-pusher now that we are in our “ha” phase. My knowledge of jo-ha-kyu is based on John’s eloquent description:
jo – arriving at a party, being introduced; ha – the party’s in full swing; kyu – the party winds down and farewells are made.
So, let’s get partying!
Excellent news, thanks Sandra! Glad that one got it, it is always a challenge for me to write verses for ‘Love’
an offer from me:
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
- Willie
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
- Ashley
the pulse
of a cicada chorus
pushes through the heat wave
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
- Willie
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
- Ashley
yowling on the fence
two cats
increase the heat
at the drive-in
John Wayne fights
the desert sun
a barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting the pips
and this might be better:
the beat
of a cicada chorus
pulsing in the heat
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
– Willie
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
– Ashley
snow woman
her dreams a strange imagery
when she sleeps alone (had this up my sleeve)
as winter deepens
empty bottles of Ripple
dot the still pond
(Ripple – a cheap wine preferred by winos)
or
as winter deepens (winter deepening)
empty bottles of Ripple
mark the still pond (mark sounds more fulsome phonetically to my ear)
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
- Willie
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
- Ashley
only the slow click
of the ceiling fan
in the stifling afternoon
Okay, here’s three to ponder overnight (my time), I shall return in the morning. In no particular order:
at the drive-in
John Wayne fights
the desert sun
- Sandra
as winter deepens
empty bottles
dot the pond
- Willie (with edit)
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
- Gen (with edit)
Your comments welcome.
I like the action of the kids spitting pips right away. and barrow-man has a wonderful sound when spoken; compare that open vowel phonic with pips and the scene becomes somehow more charming.
Admittedly, I’ve become a bit desensitized to the Duke: I’d watch him Saturday afternoons as a kid on the tel’, along with many other established male stars, but most often in movies from the WWII era, If memory serves. A lot of kids went to ‘Nam under their influence. However, as for the U.S.A. today, we’re involved in six wars simultaneously, mostly undeclared! Thank you Mr. Obama- to think Europe and overseas fawned over this little piece of fluff: Just what the proletariat ordered. I guess I’m not at all surprised. I read the guy like a book from the get-go.
Once again, John Wayne is suddenly all the more pertinant. Too bad Ron Paul wasn’t on the screen . . . he is now though. People should take note, eyes wide open for once. The world is becoming one global community.
I had trouble with L 2 of the Ripple verse – a bit clunky while describing the gag -
as winter deepens
empty bottles ripple
the still pond
Winos like that cheap port wine, too.
One note: summer choices bring us through the seasons chronologcally
Geeze, that’s a tough three to choose from … all show great humour. Probably my favourite verse is the ‘ripple’ but the ‘pips’ is great too, and the ‘desert sun’ really takes the renku to a new place, introducing the idea of ‘thirst’ and the colour of yellow/white, which I like too.
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven
- Gen
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
- Sandra
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
- Willie
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
- Ashley
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
- Gen (with edit)
If Gen is happy with this verse, we will head onward.
Willie has pretty well said what my mullings brought me to – the alliteration links to the rhythm of the previous verse and I like the idea of “getting the pip” that is maybe referenced here too. Also, moving chronologically appeals to my tidy mind.
This brings us to a 2-liner non-season … and something with a “ha” personality.
This is going very well, thank you.
Great choice, and well done Gen!
Thanks Willie.
Hi All,
Thank you Sandra – a lovely surprise this morning. I like the chronological movement too.
– just wondering if ‘behind’, where it is, makes ‘selling watermelon’ a bit jerky in the rhythm…
How would this be?
the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids behind spitting pips
or even
kids behind
the barrow-man
spitting watermelon pips
- but then again, placing ‘behind’ first might set a stronger scene – particularly with the alliteration.
I fiddled around with ‘kids spitting pips’ and ‘kids spitting the pips’ (until I’d said it so often it almost became ‘Peter Piper’) – and left ‘the’ in because it seemed to echo the action of the ‘spit’ – as you blow the pip out … but agree it doesn’t fit in with the different rhythm. (And I’m sure this discussion secures my place in the mad basket).
Sandra, I’m happy to go with your edit, or whichever you think is best.
I do enjoy “kids spitting pips” as the tag line. I have this picture in my mind . . . tee-hee!
I’ll be out for a day, maybe. Some things to square up, etc.
Cheers,
willie
Thanks for the extra insights, Gen. I think we’ll leave it as I have suggested for now and come back to it in when we have the shape of the overall poem and reassess how it sits then.
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
- Ashley
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
- Gen
waiting to be bathed
the former beauty queen
a smoke-filled city
and still we talk
the sound of bagpipes
from across the farmland
That’s fine Sandra.
And I very much like the former beauty queen.
Me too! Will try get some verses up tonight
Ok, here’s some ideas for the next position. Getting sleepy now…though no doubt I’ll foolishly go and read after this, long into the night. Oh well, there are other, less wholesome vices, aren’t there?
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
- Ashley
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
- Gen
behind his eyes
the die knock together
-
our bright stewardess
does not exactly smile
-
digging a hole deep
in the ice-cream tub
-
sweating through
a just-barely mock sword-fight
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
– Ashley
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
- Gen
dear old Uncle Omar
heads up the parade
Just a quick one from me. I’ve been cast in that production of The Diviners, so now, though ego sufficiently swelled, I find discipline and deadline knocking at my door. I wonder if Bill might like to step into the position I so boldly wrestled away?
Bill would, tho not pretending to fill your clogs.
Ah, most excellent, Bill!
One slight adjustment:
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
– Ashley
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
- Gen
dear old Uncle Omar
headlines the parade
not sure if I should put any verses up, but as there aren’t many of us here’s one for fun:
pennants flying, judges ready
it’s gumboot throwing day
Hi Bill,
Feel free to enter something for this position.
Best,
Sandra
a pop of gunfire
from somewhere close by
My doggy thought, “Allowed on the furniture at last!” But here’s a few short-order suggestions:
on the trail of dry crumbs–
hungry crickets cry all night
shifting brick in the noon sun
by twos into a sand heap
hot peach–
stopped with her teeth half in
“trail of crumbs,” clanging off the Pied Piper association with Hansel and Gretel while shifting the time of day to night
Hi Bill,
Once we’re into the body of a junicho the verses should not be overtly cut. Only the hokku may have an obvious cut.
And now we’ve had “watermelon” we can’t have “peach” (or any other fruit).
I’d like to keep this moving, especially as I leave tomorrow and will be away for a week so shall choose a verse and look forward to your next posting (hard to drop into the middle of something like this, I know. That darn Willie and his ambitions to be the next Brando!
)
Best,
Sandra
Okay, so here are the potentials for the next position:
dear old Uncle Omar
headlines the parade
- Willie
our bright stewardess
does not exactly smile
- Ashley
a pop of gunfire
from somewhere close by
- Sandra
But somehow I don’t feel satisfied. This is v6 so we are at our crescendo in terms of dazzling/clever/humorous verses. I’ve tried a couple of mash-ups:
the sound of bagpipes
at gumboot-throwing day
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
the sound of gunfire
as we shift bricks
and would like to use the verse co-written by Ashley and Willie, if they’re both agreeable to the changes.
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
- Ashley/Willie (with edits)
If the edits are acceptable to both poets, then we’ll proceed to v7 – a non-season 3-liner that should also be in “full party mode”.
As I noted to Bill previously I shall be in the land of Oz from tomorrow until early next week and don’t anticipate spending much time at a keyboard!
I’m very happy with that – what a cracker of a verse!
Just a note: Uncle Omar is the illegal alien uncle of President Obama, who recently was arrested and discovered while driving under the influence of alcohol after nearly colliding with a police car. His slurred response, after having been read his Miranda rights, was ” Let me call the White House (for legal counsel)” His arrest was a fortuitous cicumstance:
Obama’s administration was recently discovered issuing “executive orders” to defer deportation of criminal aliens (including violent offenders, some previously deported and returned) and to make them eligible for work visas and potential citizenship, and also to take advantage of college grants and programs, which was in a bill defeated in Congress three times previously. When first confronted with the evidence of these tactics to garner millions of new Democratic Party voters, the Administration submitted denials.
We’re in a desperate battle here for Constitutional legalities. Yeah, you’re right, Uncle Sam ain’t happy. Your rendition sums it up quite succinctly.
Thanks for your generosity guys, much appreciated.
Have just returned home after the drama of a (small) car collision but still a fright. Mercedes driven by a well-dressed woman of a certain age reversed into me (BTW I’m a poorly dressed woman of a certain age). Still, it was at low speed and no one was hurt; my poor car lost its bumper though.
Further “downing” my mood is news of Jan Bostok’s death. What a loss that is to the haiku community, but aren’t we thankful that she blazed such a trail for us all? She has been released from the pain that this life had become and Beverley George reports that she passed away peacefully.
Despite her infirmities and life tragedies, Jan was a great comedienne – her shocking story of her husband’s suicide attempt, told at Haiku Pacific Rim in 2009, quickly had the room in stitches. Her timing was impeccable and she had a great dead-pan expression.
Rest in peace Jan, you’ve earned it.
From: A Fan
(If you want to read more about her life, go to http://www.poetrysociety.org.nz/haikunews/haikuhappenings)
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
- Gen
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
- Ashley/Willie
Next is a non-season 3-liner that should also be in “full party mode”. If we’re all quick at posting I might get one more in before I go ….
Quickly, then!
army boots
still highly polished
scarcely worn
a file of ants
off to who-knows-where
who-knows-why?
(I’m much confused about the wisdom of this question mark. I could live without it very well. Maybe “ants” is a summer sign, thus out of place here? For what it’s worth, I note that the four previous links have people in them.)
Good question about the people verses, Bill. I’m having a ponder.
Yep, “ants” is a summer kigo.
Congratulations Ashley and Willie
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
- Gen
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
- Ashley/Willie
all eyes upwards
as the comet’s icy tail
streams across the sky
Hi all,
Have taken some advice (thanks Uncle John) on Bill’s implied question re the people verses. My instinct was that it wasn’t a problem, but thought I better check with someone who has a vast amount of experience and knowledge (unlike me!
).
The advice is along the lines of: Balance is the key at the whole poem level. The verses are fine to remain so long as we now avoid the same territory for a couple of verses.
“I think what is most crucial here is that, as you say, the verses are different one from another. Most crucial, in so far as they have similarities, they are in pairs. The first two are close focus and intimate. The second are broader scope and third person. Were they alternating (I/him/you/them + near/far/near/far) it would be much more problematic.”
So there we are. Renku is so full of “things to remember” that it’s difficult to keep everything in mind.
I know I said we’d try and do one more verse before I go, but I’m distracted this morning. So, please, make 3 offerings each and I’ll try and get into an internet cafe somewhere through the week and have a look.
For what it;s worth I think the poem is going very nicely and am very pleased with the verses coming up for each position, makes my task a pleasure.
Well, I think the renku is progressing beautifully, too, and since I just arrived, I can say that with no claim to modesty. It’s great to work with such a talented crew.
I’d like to try a re-do of a previous suggestion, sans ants.
who knows where?
birds fly in all directions
who knows why?
Hello everyone,
Sorry for the hiatus, but I’m now back on deck and we shall start moving forward again. If any of you have more verses to post for this position, please do so.
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
every morning
settling the threadbare teddy
on my pillow
on every corner
a whiff of smoke
and plotting
as night falls
the clang
of tram bells
Welcome back. I trust you had a nice hiatus.
Love the tram bells, Sandra! Hope you had a nice break too!
Could you tell I’ve been to Melbourne? The trams are so great! Went on a trip to Mt Macedon on Friday and had snow fall on us!!
Wow, snow! So much for spring, though you’re high up there. I do love trams too, they pretty much hum with character, huh?
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
- Sandra (with edit)
Which is, I hope, the right choice. Feel free to comment. I have altered the ku to move it inside, we haven’t had many of those; and changed L3 to eliminate another gerund.
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
Our next verse takes us to autumn and is a short ku. Just as a heads up the verse after is a flower verse (also autumn).
Look forward to seeing your candidates …
Hi Sandra and All,
one to begin with:
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
– Ashley/Willie
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
– Sandra
first autumn chill
and the pot-belly talking again
One attempt from me, before I sleep
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
– Ashley/Willie
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
– Sandra
reeking of whiskey
he gives the scarecrow a shove
or perhaps
reeking of whiskey
giving the scarecrow a shove
or something to avoid another pronoun
Well, taking a shot in the dark…
brown leaves in a dry autumn
crunch beneath every foot
double-digging at fall’s end
to rout out established weeds
Halloweeners shy away
from the parsonage gate
Hello all,
I find this line of Bill’s outstanding:
a crunch beneath every foot(fall)
and love Ashley’s scarecrow image. To my way of thinking they should be married. I wonder if Bill or Ashley or both (or Gen too) are willing to try?
The dichotomy of feet and a scarecrow is intriguing me, there’s real mystery there and a chance for a brilliant autumn ku, I feel. And brilliance about now would be most welcome.
Best,
Sandra
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
reeking of beer he crunches
the scarecrow with a dry heave
Well, here’s what I cobbled together from parts available. Beer for whiskey to save a syllable and preserve the double-ee assonance of the words. It seemed that what attracted Sandra’s attention was the sensory stimuli portrayed in Ashley’s lines and mine, so I saved the crunch (auditory) but lost the brown (visual) while preserving dry (tactile) and adding heave (musculo-inertial). The dry heave is gratituous, it just came over me, as they often do. I dunno, maybe you just had to be there.
Thanks Bill. Feel free to play with and develop the idea, spin it off to somewhere new … and post more than one offering! (It makes my job as sabaiki easier if I have several to think about and choose from.)
I’m glad things seem to be moving at foot-pace just here; it give time to think. There’s a lot in your suggestions and Ashley’s contributions to draw together.
leaning against the door-jamb
a new scarecrow
I woke up this morning with this one in my head …
Hi Sandra! I like your scarecrow verse above, and the idea of altering mine in someway/combining it with Bill’s – sounds great.
I have to put in my apologies – as I’ll be away for the next few weeks (from Monday), but may have access to the internet, I will try. Otherwise, I certainly don’t mind if you charge on ahead without me/have someone jump in to cover for me/invite a guest verse etc, whatever you think it best, of course, sabaki
Here’s an attempt to marry those lines/images
tossed into the fire
the scarecrow smokes and crackles
/
tossed onto the bonfire
the old scarecrow smokes and crackles
(second version is quite long, syllable wise and might not add that much detail, really)
tossed on to the bonfire
the scarecrow cackles
- Ashley
crunching beneath every foot
the scarecrow’s innards
- Bill
Okay, posted those to see if things became any clearer …. Ashley, had to edit yours as we couldn’t repeat “smoke”.
Bill, if you are happy with that verse, that’s the one I’d like to go next. (Please double check that I’m not missing something here.)
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
crunching beneath every foot
the scarecrow’s innards
- Bill (with edit)
PS: It could be argued that these are animal feet so I don’t think we have a problem with “parade” and “feet”. Do you prefer “innards” or “guts” or even “brains”??
I like ‘innards’.
LOL, as the scarecrow made clear to Dorothy, they do not have brains. “Guts” is rather too damp a word for a scarecrow to be associated with, evoking inner rot and aggressive animal appetites, besides, it is so hard to work “innards” into a conversation that I feel you should not allow the opportunity to pass un-seized. All said and done (and I’ve given considerable thought to the matter), I like best Ashley’s quasi-original,
“reeking of whiskey
he gives the scarecrow a shove”
It’s an embarrassment of riches, innit?
Just to clarify … are you saying Bill that you *don’t* want your ku chosen here or that you don’t like the edit?
I wouldn’t be choosing the verse of Ashley’s that you have suggested, regardless, because of the pronoun which we are staying away from for a few verses …
If you don’t like the edit I have suggested, that’s fine and we shall begin again. A fresh page, as it were.
No, I’m very happy with your edit. I was simply expressing an opinion, one of many, and dancing around the point that I can not think of anything better to suggest. Please proceed with what you think best.
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
crunching beneath every foot
the scarecrow’s innards
- Bill
Our next verse is 3 lines, autumn … and our flower verse. It’s a chance to be creative with our local flora. Afterall, anyone can do spring flowers but it takes a special kind of poet (ahem, us) to do something different.
I look forward to your verse offerings (please, now that we are 3 try and offer more than 1 verse per position, thanks).
Oh, Ashley, you’ve not gone yet … maybe you could squeeze out a couple more verses …
Oops, pardon me, we have a repeat of the word “every”. Oh, darn.
Okay, I feel I am pushing this verse position too hard, trying to fit in something that doesn’t want to go, that can’t go. So, good try everybody and thanks for your efforts, but …
Let’s take this one instead. A quieter verse to be sure, but nothing wrong with that. I liked it when I first read it but was seduced by the scarecrow, silly girl that I am!
first autumn chill
and the pot-belly talking again
- Gen
With apologies and thanks to Bill and Ashley for their hard work:
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
first autumn chill
and the pot-belly talking again
- Gen
The next verse is a 3-line, flower verse in the season of autumn.
That’s scarecrows for you, here one day…lol
Thank you for your generosity of spirit, Bill. Once again, my apologies for my shortcomings as sabaiki.
Hi Sandra, Ashley and Bill,
Thank you Sandra – nice to have the pot-belly, although sad to see the scarecrow go.
was thinking of the following, the swamp bloodwood flowers from late summer to autumn, but not sure if we can have two bird verses – even if a different type of bird…
parrots squabbling for space
in the hot-pink
bloodwood blooms
I’ll post some more offers a little later.
a few more offers:
red wheel of fire blooms
bright
on a dull grey day
and just thinking back to the scarecrow:
the scarecrow’s head
crowned
with wheel of fire flowers
or
the scarecrow
gloriously crowned
with wheel of fire flowers
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
first autumn chill
and the pot-belly talking again
upside down
on the shed wall
last year’s strawflowers
heavy with
nerine pollen,
the bumblebee’s buzz
from the spout
of the raku pot
a scent of bergamot
Special offer today only–four for the price on one!
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
first autumn chill
and the pot-belly talking again
**
now yellow and white
Michaelmas dasies brighten
her neglected grave
damp with frost-melt
pale cups on the Franklin tree
collect bees
till frost puts a stop
tea blossom
keeps the bees awake
white chrysanthemum
delicate petals open
to the killing frost
It occurs to me that we have a botany situation: those of us in opposing hemispheres may not know the plants familiar to others. Swamp bloodwood and fire flowers are new to me and perhaps others may not know that Michaelmas daisies are a common flower in the US. The tea plant (camellia sinensis) blooms in the fall, quite nice simple white flowers with masses of yellow stamens. The US native Franklin tree has interesting history, if you google it, and blooms right up to hard frost, with leaves changing to scarlet and purple. Now you know.
Michaelmas daisy = common weed, I should have said.
Hello Bill,
I wonder if you put supply a new L3 for the michelmas daisies (we have cemetery in V2)?
Thanks
Well, not sure where that came from!
It should read I wonder if you might supply a new L3 for the michelmas daisies (we have cemetery in V2)?
All is good, happy with everything I’ve read – I skimmed and don’t have time to add anything other than the fact that I like everything as it’s turned out.
Will trya nd get back online again before ageku!
Yes, and quite a few bees are found above. Pardon, my suggestions were the product of a nighttime disturbance rather than careful consideration. Here’s a re-do of the Michaelmas dasies. The hyphens are to indicate that each flower contains both yellow and white, rather than some being yellow and some being white, what do you think?
now yellow-and-white
Michaelmas dasies brighten
her neglected yard
Yay, an embarrassment of riches. Well done. Gen I happen to have 3 Stenocarpus sinuatus trees growing just down the street from my house. They’re not particularly good specimens, but they do flower well.
My favourites are:
the scarecrow’s head
crowned
with wheel of fire flowers
- Gen
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas dasies brighten
the neglected yard
- Bill
from the spout
of the raku pot
a scent of bergamot
- Sandra
Lovely to have them in your street Sandra, such an intricate form of flower.
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
first autumn chill
and the pot-belly talking again
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas dasies brighten
the neglected yard
- Bill (with edit)
The next verse is 2 lines, non-season and in the kyu phase, the quietening down as we head towards our farewells.
I think Bill’s verse links the phase we are just leaving and the next one rather nicely and the “white” alludes to the season without mentioning snow or frost.
We could probably introduce a pronoun here again, if we wanted. I think there is now enough distance from “Uncle Sam”. But we don’t have to.
Thanks for some great verses for this flower position.
Nice choice indeed. On Roman time here, and might not be able to get back to the internet for a while. Will try though.
a street-side cafe
humming with traffic
-
left on the church step
is a blue sock
Not sure about the ‘is’ in the second one, but it reads more ‘cut’ otherwise
Ashley, an orphaned sock abandoned on the church steps? There’s a story behind that…, perhaps someone sneezing very hard. Knocks my socks off, really.
congratulations Bill.
first autumn chill
and the pot-belly talking again
– Gen
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas daisies brighten
the neglected yard
– Bill
a whistle to the sheep dog
and he brings the mob home
new tiles on the roof
we’re sleeping soundly now
oiling the gate hinge
a rest for the ears
are you ready?
the ferry’s rounding the point
Thanks, Gen
Sandra, there seems not to be a “reply” button on your comment of Sept. 22, so I’ll interject here my appreciation of the subtle and adroit hand you demonstrate as sabaiki. I’m flattered to have my daisies picked.
And here are some proposals for the next link, though I think perhaps I’ve had my share of the spotlight for now.
torn calendar in the trash
ruffled months without a year
such heavy overcast
obscures the time of day
cutting when the knife is sharp
without regard for season
Thanks for your kind comments Bill – my first time out as sabaiki so I’m very grateful to everyone for their patience … and neat verses.
first autumn chill
and the pot-belly talking again
– Gen
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas daisies brighten
the neglected yard
– Bill
as he sharpens the spade,
one of the old hymns
sunday school hall
so much smaller now
not hesitating, my father
shakes hands with the preacher
(since it’s Sunday)
The pick of the bunch (and a great bunch it is too):
a street-side cafe
humming with traffic
- Ashley
new tiles on the roof
we’re sleeping soundly now
- Gen
torn calendar in the trash
ruffled months without a year
- Bill
as he sharpens the spade,
one of the old hymns
- Sandra
really like ‘as he sharpens the spade’ Sandra.
Thank you, Gen. It’s always difficult to choose one’s own verse, but I think that is what I will do this time. It’s contemplative nature feels right here.
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
first autumn chill
and the pot-belly talking again
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas daisies brighten
the neglected yard
as he sharpens the spade,
one of the old hymns
I think hymn is far enough removed from dance music, both literally in our poem and by genre, to be all right for this position, but if anyone has any heistations, please feel free to raise them.
Otherwise, we move along – the next position is our penultimate verse, 3 lines and again non-season. Remember, we are in a quieter phase of the poem – the party is winding down and guests are taking their leave.
FYI the final verse, the ageku is to be summer moon.
Ashley, I like the idea of you being on Roman time – XII or IV? BC or AD?
Good choice, I like “the spade.”
Oh golly, I meant *winter* moon, of course!
I dunno, what do you think of these?
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas daisies brighten
the neglected yard
as he sharpens the spade,
one of the old hymns
**
throwing in the hand
clubs hearts diamonds everything
but
squinting to focus
as he listens to her
explanation
hemming and hawing
about who’s really to blame
without saying
I might suggest a tiny edit, but they’re fine Bill. Interesting too.
throwing in the hand
clubs hearts diamonds
everything but
hemming and hawing
about who is really
to blame
hemming and hawing
about where
the blame should lie
(maybe; just suggestions)
Yes, these are valid edits. I was thinking of “everything” as the fourth item in that sequence, purposely breaking the idiomatic structure of “everything but” for some effect I can’t actually put a name to at this moment. Just to make the reader stop and think, I suppose. And the notion of calling a spade a spade lies at the heart of the “hemming…” one. Your shortened edition covers the ground equally well, perhaps better.
yes, it’s a good choice Sandra. I’ll be away from the computer today but will post some offers tonight.
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas daisies brighten
the neglected yard
as he sharpens the spade,
one of the old hymns
twilight falling
and still so far
from home
the rusty sound
of the wind as it catches
the gate
Sandra, I really like “the rusty sound of the wind.” Very poetic.
first autumn chill
and the pot-belly talking again
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas daisies brighten
the yard
as he sharpens the spade,
one of the old hymns
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
through the heavy doors
it’s calm and still
incense and the temple bell
the calls of ‘goodnight’
as the shopkeepers
close their doors
through the gathering dusk
the cows
and their slow bells
throwing in the hand
clubs hearts diamonds
everything but
- Bill
the rusty sound
of the wind as it catches
the gate
- Sandra
through the gathering dusk
the cows
and their slow bells
- Gen
For me, Sandra’s link is freshest with the most resonance.
Thanks for the thumbs-up on my ku Bill but, on reflection, I think there is the danger of autumn being read into it – “rusty” and “wind” – and this is a no-season position.
So my choice for the penultimate verse is Gen’s lovely ku:
through the gathering dusk
the cows
and their slow bells
- Gen
Which brings us to the ageku (final verse), as important in its way as the hokku. The ageku should somehow sum up the tone of the poem, be a fitting farewell and, oh yes, be a winter moon verse! Not much going on there, then.
Good luck with this one, and don’t feel constrained to stop at 3 offerings.
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven
in the cemetery
the first green shoots
rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair
behind the barrow-man
selling watermelon
kids spitting pips
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots
first autumn chill
and the pot-belly talking again
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas daisies brighten
the neglected yard
as he sharpens the spade,
one of the old hymns
through the gathering dusk
the cows
and their slow bells
Thank you Sandra.
Tho I expected Gray’s Elegy to raise it lowing head, it never did. I hope this does not seem over-much.
in rings of dark water
a stone breaks the icy moon
all night the moon creeps
across the frozen pond
squirrels stir as cold moonlight
seeps through the attic window
moon’s glare on the snow reveals
no sign of the groundhog
touched by moonlight
a frozen flower pot cracks
FOR SALE clear in the moonlight
the dog’s frozen bowl cracks
a bent icicle
glitters in moonlight
winter clouds browse the stars
a thin moon scuttles behind
some thoughts to begin with:
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas daisies brighten
the neglected yard
– Bill
as he sharpens the spade,
one of the old hymns
– Sandra
through the gathering dusk
the cows
and their slow bells
– Gen
~ ~ ~
the road home clear and cold
moonshadow on the radio
the crescent moon taking shelter
between the bare hills
hmm, ‘on the radio’ might be too close to ‘one of the old hymns’…
moonlight picking out the pattern
on the faded quilt
patterns of moonlight
along the frosty path
and revising:
a new moon taking shelter
between the bare hills
or: (sorry to be fiddling still)
the path home,
moonlight patterns in the frost
at the bend in the road
the winter moon and home
Dashing in at the last minute here – had a read of the whole renku as it stands and it’s pretty wonderful in my opinion!
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas daisies brighten
the neglected yard
as he sharpens the spade,
one of the old hymns
through the gathering dusk
the cows
and their slow bells
-
a big moon unveils
frost on the rooftops
(not much of a summation, but I’m struggling to bring winter to mind!)
Hi all,
Ashley so good to hear from you, I delayed my selection for this round hoping that you would pop in! Everyone has worked so hard, thank you for all the great verses.
I’ll try and rop a couple in here myself …
I’ll try and *drop* a couple in here myself …
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas daisies brighten
the neglected yard
– Bill
as he sharpens the spade,
one of the old hymns
– Sandra
through the gathering dusk
the cows
and their slow bells
– Gen
frozen in the headlights
the rabbit in the moon
midwinter moon
and a story by candlelight
too old for stories,
midwinter moon
in rings of dark water
a stone breaks the icy moon
- Bill
all night the moon creeps
across the frozen pond
- Bill
the path home,
moonlight patterns in the frost
- Gen
a big moon unveils
frost on the rooftops
- Ashley
too old for stories,
midwinter moon
- Sandra
I also like Bill’s ku with a small edit:
four bent icicles
glitter in the moonlight
Comments and thoughts please.
Gen’s “path home” does have the virtue of seeming to provide the closure an ageku seeks. I’ll be away for the weekend. Just so you know.
Hi Sandra and All,
A few thoughts:
I like Bill’s “all night the moon creeps” – it gives a nice echo of the long drawn out “aahhh” of the raven and takes us back full circle to the hokku.
I like Ashley’s verse which takes us back to the village/town/city where quite a lot of the action of this renku has taken place. I like it’s practical tone and the lovely image of a large moon coming up over a row of houses.
And I like yours Sandra for the twist in it and the focus on stories – our story in particular. To me it has a sense of an ending – the end of the day, when stories are told, and the bonus of some tension – the wanting. There’s the feeling that everyone loves and wants a story, no matter how old.
All in all I think “too old for stories, midwinter moon” is my favourite.
Hope the weather in Italy is good Ashley – and I’m sure the food is!
snowmelt
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven /Gen
in the cemetery
the first green shoots /Sandra
two rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance /Willie
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair /Ashley
behind the barrow
selling watermelon
kids spit pips /Gen
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade /Ashley, Willie
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots /Sandra
first autumn chill
& the pot-belly talks again /Gen
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas daisies brighten
the neglected yard /Bill
as he sharpens the spade,
one of the old hymns /Sandra
through the gathering dusk
the cows
and their slow bells /Gen
too old for stories,
midwinter moon /Sandra
Hello all,
I hope you find this acceptable as an ageku. Bill, in the end I found your lovely ku “all night the moon creeps” just a little too close to the preceding verse “through the gathering dusk” to be comfortable.
Please speak up, anyone, if this doesn’t seem like the best verse choice.
As you will see, I have also named the junicho. When I was copying the poem into a word document so I could read it easily as we went along, the “save” prompt named it snowmelt and that seemed entirely appropriate. Clever old Bill Gates.
I have made small amendments to V3, V5 & V8 so please read the poem as presented in the previous post and comment. I am happy to undo those edits, which have been made mostly in the interests of rhythm, if others feel they don’t improve the overall junicho.
(Gen, I know that logically a barrow doesn’t sell watermelon, but “man” seemed to be holding the ku back in some way. What do you think? We talk about buying from hot-dog stands, pie carts and ice-cream vans so we could get away with it.)
Thank you all for your support and enthusiasm – my first run as a sabaiki has been very pleasant because of that and I am pleased with the poem that has resulted. I hope you are too.
Best wishes,
Sandra
Hello again,
I have asked John Carley, my mentor in all things renku, to have a read and comment too. I have his permission to quote him and thought that would be useful because, as always, there are some good teachings points in his critique.
In part, he says:
“What is particularly striking is the quality of the linkage. It is intelligent without being intellectualised. It takes the reader forward and rewards at every unfolding. The absolute sine qua non of renku – that the dynamic relies in the movement between verses rather than in the content of the verses themselves – is realised throughout.” Go team Snowmelt!
He does point up one possible flaw, which had escaped my attention (and I may never have noticed!):
“Three of the first five verses use directly stated locations via a preposition: v#2 ‘in’; v#3 ‘in’; v#5 ‘behind’. There is no technical ‘rule’ that is being broken here (as there might arguably be if ‘in’ appeared twice in the leap-over relationship c.f. kannonbiraki) however it is perhaps worth considering dropping one instance of ‘in’. In so far as the majority of verses in the sequence use run-on syntax I don’t think a further instance of parataxis would be a problem (c.f. v#10, v#12). And given that the hokku is quite short, perhaps the best way to ease the transition is to ‘tighten’ the wakiku. I therefore get something like
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven /Gen
cemetery gates,
the first green shoots /Sandra
Just maybe this also enhances the effect of circularity which the excellent ageku achieves.”
He does have a question for us – we don’t have ravens in this country so Gen it is yours to answer:
“One quirk in passing … I know you southern hemisphere types like to be different but round here ravens never make a sound as soft as ‘aahhh’. I wonder if the sound might be hardened up: ‘graaahhk’ is what mine say! (Hmmn… I wonder if that’s why the word ‘gates’ came to mind for the wakik?)”
Just a comment: I observe that as distance increases, the sound of a raven (or crow or dog) seems, fainter, higher and reduced to a simple vowel. To experience the full “graahhk” effect, one need be within hand-feeding distance, I think.
Hi Sandra and John,
Firstly, congratulations Sandra on your first go as sabaiki. I have really enjoyed being involved and like the poem a lot.
A discussion on the calls of the Australian raven – what a delightful thing to have. There are many different calls from this bird – the one I had in mind definitely starts with an open sound of aahhh. It is guttural and croaky – particularly at the end, but I don’t think it starts with a ‘gr’ sound. To my ears it’s a long drawn out, descending sigh, becoming guttural and more croaky towards the end. I have a link here from wikipedia – I hope the link works. There’s a recording of several raven calls – the last one on the tape is the sigh – or ‘aahhh’ – sometimes it’s longer and more drawn out.
http://www.anbg.gov.au/sounds/raven.au
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Australian_Raven
Will get back later in the day.
Best wishes,
Genevieve.
Hi Sandra and John,
Have to be away from the computer for a few hours – I’ve posted a comment with a link to the raven’s call, which is being checked. Will get back to this very interesting discussion later in the day.
All good wishes,
Genevieve.
Hello again John, Sandra and all,
(John, it’s nice to hear from you in this renku, I hope you are well.)
Getting back to the call of the raven – I’m not sure if the link is going to succeed – perhaps it just takes a long time to check it.
In any case, perhaps you can google the Australian Raven and you may get the wikipedia link. Down at the bottom of the page there are some recordings – the first one has the long drawn out ‘aaahh’ amongst some others.
John, this is one quote from the Australian Musuem, and most bird books give a very similar description: “Australia Raven … the territorial call is a slow, rather high ‘ah-ah-ah-aaaah’ with the last note drawn out.” Another adds: …”The last note is very drawn out. It also utters a wailing call, almost a baby like call.”
I would call it a long, descending sigh, becoming more guttural at the end. (I’m afraid if my other post comes up eventually, I’ll be repeating myself).
Perhaps our ravens have developed some rather different calls. The ‘aaaah’ is a wonderful sound that can be eerie, mournful, lonely and sometimes, strangely, almost comical.
The question of too many prepositions introducing verses in the poem has made me wonder if the ‘barrow-man’ verse could go back to its original form which was “a barrow-man/selling watermelon/kids spitting pips” – is it strong enough without ‘behind’? Would adding a coma at the end of the second line help? But if not, I’m fine with your edit Sandra.
John, I wonder if you are leaning a bit more towards the “aaaah”? I know it’s not a soft sound, but I can’t think of any letter combination that describes it more accurately. We could add a ‘k’ to the end, but listening to it it really does seem to just trail away without a hard consonant to finish.
All good wishes,
Genevieve.
Thank you for that answer, Gen, I’m happy to leave the hokku as is.
And thank you for reminding me that there was another version of the barrow-man ku. How about:
a barrow-man
selling watermelon …
kids spitting pips
(the ellipsis is supposed to look like pips …??)
For the wakiku, I suggest:
among the gravestones
the first green shoots
which is still a preposition but does do away with the two “in”s so close together.
I will post these changes below so we can have a look at it all together.
Thanks Sandra, I like it. And I like the wakiku.
snowmelt
snowmelt -
one long aahhh
from the raven /Gen
among the gravestones
the first green shoots /Sandra
two rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance /Willie
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair /Ashley
a barrow-man
selling watermelon …
kids spitting pips /Gen
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade /Ashley, Willie
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots /Sandra
first autumn chill
& the pot-belly talks again /Gen
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas daisies brighten
the neglected yard /Bill
as he sharpens the spade,
one of the old hymns /Sandra
through the gathering dusk
the cows
and their slow bells /Gen
too old for stories,
midwinter moon /Sandra
HI!
Just dropped in from a full weekend – Immediately, I noticed a note on the Raven’s call. I’ve noticed some crows have different “accents” depending on where they originate from here in Minnesota –
the crow’s voice
unlike I remember
new year’s day
I was on the other side of the river when I heard these strangers. They seemed more soft-spoken, a different inflection, being from out-of-town. Noticed the same with the extended family that frequents the school grounds to the north. They sound more content. Why not, drawing, as they do, on the student population’s ample leavings and close to wood, field and crops. And no student loan balances! A thirty % increase in enrollment three years running; plenty of fodder for the academic mill. Don’t tell me those crows aren’t smart. Ah, there’s my city dwelling crew now, right on time – racous bastards! I observe their conversations through the east window just after dawn.
Right, first impressions – nice movement here, enabled by the edits in Jo. Smooth – a fluidity unhampered by excess words. I like how Bill’s daisies offer respite from an unintended theme (in my mind) of hardships secondary to living. Kyu sums up well, from the hymns to an midwinter moon, those slow, unassuming bells offering just the right, placid note. An interesting journey, indeed.
Hi Willie,
Yes ravens are definitely smart and it’s amazing how they can put different inflections on their calls – that long drawn out ‘aaaah’ can even sound ironic!
Hi Sandra,
I think my link post may be lost for all time, so I’ll just say what I said, which was congratulations to you on your first run as a sabaiki! I have really enjoyed being involved and I like the poem a lot.
Just a couple of things as I look at the poem as a whole – perhaps we should make the raven’s call ‘aaahh’ or ‘aaaah’, as it is in the bird books – it make sense to have more of the ‘a’ than the ‘h’.
And one last question – would there be too many ‘ings’ if we had ‘first autumn chill/and the pot-belly talking again’ ? I think ‘talking’ gives a better sense of the pot-belly as it continues to shift and settle, creaking on through the day and night. Oh, and I just noticed you’ve used the ampersand symbol in that verse, which is fine with me, but I wondered if you intended to.
As Willie says, the poem gives us an interesting journey indeed. Thank you.
Thank you Gen for your kind comments on my baptism as sabaiki, fortunately it has all been fairly straightforward.
I think you’re right about the raven’s call, I will change that.
Yes, I deliberately inserted the ampersand in the pot-belly verse, I was concerned about the visual length of the 2nd line and it was an effort to shorten it a little. I agree about the gerund, and shall replace.
Looking at “barrow man” again, I wonder if it should be:
a barrow-man
selling watermelon,
kids spitting pips …
Got the post approved eventually, Gen
– but it’s stuck back up there in the message trail. WordPress defaults to blocking posts with 2 links or more in it, catches a lot of spam that way, but sadly, also a few of our posts. I’m usually quicker to check the spam folder though 
Yes, I like that more Sandra, the ellipsis is much more evocative of a series of spits and pips in that position. Couldn’t be better.
Bill, please still feel free to comment.
snowmelt
snowmelt -
one long aaaah
from the raven /Gen
among the gravestones
the first green shoots /Sandra
two rows of chairs
in the gymnasium
I ask for this dance /Willie
there is even rhythm
to the untying of your hair /Ashley
a barrow-man
selling watermelon,
kids spitting pips … /Gen
not exactly smiling
Uncle Sam leads the parade /Ashley, Willie
in every vestibule
the whiff of smoke
and office plots /Sandra
first autumn chill
& the pot-belly talking again /Gen
yellow-and-white
Michaelmas daisies brighten
the neglected yard /Bill
as he sharpens the spade,
one of the old hymns /Sandra
through the gathering dusk
the cows
and their slow bells /Gen
too old for stories,
midwinter moon /Sandra
Composed at Issa’s Snail between August 13 and October 4, 2011.
Participants:
Ashley Capes – Australia
Bill Dennis – United States
Genevieve Osborne – Australia
Sandra Simpson – New Zealand (sabaki)
William Sorlien – United States
It’s been a real pleasure to write with you all, and under Sandra’s considerate but decisive direction. I enjoy the process actually more than the finished product, which I think is the way it’s supposed to be. I concur that the above edits make it tighter, smoother and better. Less really is more. There were many judgement calls, when the sequence could have taken a different direction, but judgement is what the sabaiki pulls down the big bucks to perform, and if Gen had not so confessed, I would never have known she was serving in executive capacity for the first time. A couple of times we approached the matter of differing flora and fauna being un-recognizable to residents of opposing hemispheres, but it was never a real problem. A great deal of travel took place while we worked, Ashley sojourned in Rome; Willie entered the world of show-biz; Sandra visited the Wiz in Oz and I went on a weekend jaunt to Long Island. But still, the flow was veritably uninterrupted. I pray that my name be remembered if ever there is a renku spot in need of filling again. It’s been a treat, really it has.
Thank you Bill, that’s very generous praise. Let us, indeed, hope that we work together again. I too, have thoroughly enjoyed it all. Can’t ask for more.
Thank you Sandra, the poem looks and sounds great. It was another interesting and enjoyable trip – and as always, fun to work with everyone involved.
And thank you Ashley for all your work on Issa’s Snail – without this site we Snailers would be without a home!
Looking forward to next time,
All best wishes,
Genevieve.
I’m thinking of sending this off to the new “A Hundred Gourds” journal, always nice to support a new venture. Submissions to the first issue have closed, but I’ll keep an eye open for the next round and keep you posted (it’s an online production, BTW).
It reads very smooth and I think it’s pretty wonderful to hear that the links are subtle without being overly intellectual! I love the simple title too, and the closing half is tops, grand choices all!
Sorry I couldn’t be as involved in the second half, my holiday crept up on me. And I laughed, Sandra, when I read your post about Roman time!
And maintaining the Snail is my pleasure! Loved working with you all, and particularly fine leadership from Sandra I feel, especially, as Bill noted, how we were a little far flung around the globe in time and space!
Subbing it sounds great to me, would love to see this one in a journal – they take renku that have composed online, don’t they?
AS quick note – Sorlien is i-e-n. No worries . . .
All done
Thanks for that correction Willie, “i before e” and all that!
Snowmelt is to appear in Notes from the Gean – as it turns out A Hundred Gourds doesn’t print renku (yet). Hope this is acceptable to all.
Best wishes,
Sandra
Quite some ways beyond acceptable. You think of everything, Sandra. Emoticons were never so tempting!