Winter Junicho

All right, we’ll go ‘by turns’ for the most part, but first let’s start ‘competitive’ with the hokku, which we’ll let determine the season we start in. So it’s your choice with what you submit – I’d love to see 3 or so candidates from each of you if possible. (Including me soon)

As John Carley told me when I first worked with him – having a renku run ‘by turns’ can put a lot of pressure on any one participant, especially as we have a few different time zones in play, so just let us know if you’re swamped with other commitments and we’ll certainly figure something out.

Ashley

176 Responses to Winter Junicho

  1. ashleycapes says:

    All right, we have, so far, heard back with confirmation from a couple of poets in the team for Junicho #1 – which is made up of Ashley, Graham, Joseph, Barbara, Valeria and Claire.

    I’ll got first, seeing as I’ve got a spare moment 🙂 So here’s my hokku candidates:

    a pity
    that the cicadas
    have no piano

    too hot for bare feet
    no shadows
    on the cement

    snowed in
    empty coffee cups
    cover the desk

    So when you can, submit your offers and once we’ve heard from everyone I’ll select my favourites and then I’d like to hear from everyone before I make my selection

  2. Claire says:

    So, my three candidates to begin with!

    dark side of the moon
    each day clearing off the snow
    in the sizzling hail

    *

    Twelfth Night Cake
    frozen puff paste creaks open
    the frangipani

    *

    bitter-cold winter
    blue-tits tip-toe around
    the frozen feeder

    *

  3. Bonjour Claire!

    Herewith my hokku offers:

    an inland sea
    waves swirl around
    the gum trees

    from the rooftop
    an old man and his dog
    welcoming neighbours

    drips in a bucket…
    the year of the rabbit
    starts with tin-ni leaks

    ~

    Peace and Love

  4. Claire says:

    g’day Barbara !
    A universal language…

  5. gnunn says:

    Hello all and a happy year of the rabbit to you all!
    Here are my offerings…

    Graham

    feeding time
    mosquito and child
    drink from her breast

    dark clouds
    the top of the melaleuca
    gone under

    waiting
    for a table
    mud crabs in the tank

  6. Valeria says:

    Hi, all! Happy to be with you 🙂

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail

    Christmas Day –
    scent of incense lingers
    in the empty church

    winter sky
    my hands cup
    zen garden remnants

  7. lorin says:

    Just popping in, as invited , to comment. These two appeal to me most, so far, as contenders for a hokku:

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail

    (Valeria)

    Very appealing in it’s gently humorous but very apt juxtaposition.

    dark clouds
    the top of the melaleuca
    goes under

    (Graham)

    You could also lose the verb, Graham, if you wanted irony, and have ‘down under’.
    Though there are many kinds of melaleuca, it’s the paperbark that springs to my mind (in bloom still here; hard to tell whether in bloom or not where you’re talking about) A traditional use of the paperbark’s bark was/is canoe making!

    – Lorin

    • gnunn says:

      We sure need canoes up here at the moment… am glad you picked that up in there Lorin. I was hoping that people would find this one topical as I was watching the news the other night and watched the top of a big paper bark go under… and still there is no sign of letting up.

    • lorin says:

      Just as well you’re a good swimmer, Graham. I see that even Brisbane central is flooded now!
      – Lorin

  8. willie says:

    whassa’melaleuca?

  9. Claire says:

    Oh, yes !
    What about the “melaleuca” ?

    As synonyms, found “cageput”, “tea tree”… ?

  10. lorin says:

    Willie & Claire, google is always available:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Melaleuca

    …gotta laugh at the phrasing of some of that Wikipedia article though : ” both in Australia and other tropical areas” …would seem to indicate that these are exclusively tropical species (they’re not, by a long shot. They’re in Tasmania, where it snows!) and also that Australia is exclusively a tropical country. It’s good overall, but take details with a grain of salt.

    Claire, yes, ti-tree (I insist on the traditional spelling 😉 in its various types, is a melaleuca, so is what’s usually referred to as a paperbark. I’m not actually sure which sort of melaleuca Graham means. (There are many) The paperbark would be, to me, the most ironic, because of its traditional use for making canoes.

    – Lorin

    • ashleycapes says:

      Hi All! I’m back – and I’d like to leave the hokku call open for another day or so, as Joseph might be missing in action and I want to give him a little more time to submit before I make some selections for the shortlist

      Ashley

    • willie says:

      Thanks, ‘ma’,

      Wontcha do it for me?

      I’m just having you all on (snicker) – love the phrasing.

      Cheers!

  11. Claire says:

    Thanks, Lorin, for the explanations. Wiki was rather confusing, considering the diversity of the specie… Except the tea-tree (so, ty-tree, like in dye?), I wondered about the specie ‘myrtle’. Looking for it led me to a “Nio boutique’ in Corsica, where they do organic myrtle jelly, as myrtle grow there in the scrubland. And, yes, even if mediterranean, they may have a harsh winter in the mountains, too.
    So, yes, it’s humorous if the paperbark goes under/down under as of light wood.

    Cheers,

  12. ashleycapes says:

    All right – let’s get moving with some feedback! For me, these 3 have that haiku-like quality required in the hokku and the seasonality is implicit. All are effective images too, so what do you think?

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail

    dark clouds
    the top of the melaleuca
    goes under

    drips in a bucket…
    the year of the rabbit
    starts with tin-ni leaks

    After some discussion I’ll let you know which ku I’d like to use and why, then we’ll get right into the next verse.

  13. lorin says:

    yeah, Ash, I like Barbara’s ‘tinny leaks’ a lot, too (not sure why it’s ‘tin-ni’, though) I thought of the small aluminium boat ( called a ‘tinny’ in Australia) and the Queensland floods and of the Wikileaks saga. It’s a witty and clever verse, and topical.

    But for the hokku or the first phase of a renku? For me, it’d be a good one to keep in mind for mid-section, as it’d be pretty hard to follow with the next two verses and to keep the momentum going.


    Claire, yes, we have a lot of native myrtles, too, which are in the same group as melaleucas. A lovely one is lemon myrtle, which can be used in cooking and to flavour vinegar and a myrtle jelly etc. too. They make an essential oil out of it , too…different from ti-tree oil, which is made from one or two species of ti-tree and which is a strong disinfectant (and would never be used in cooking!)
    I think all melaleucas and eucalypts have a lot of tannin in them, so they could be used as dyes, with the right fixer.

    – Lorin

  14. Claire says:

    Hum, Graham… Paperbarks, canoes… As far as I could see in the news, “melaleucas bending over, stripped off their roots…’, don’t you think… Noah’s Arch ?
    Samehere,with the Oise river. Butcher’s & bakery & pastry’s drowned & closed.
    Have to watch for “tin-ni leaks”, altough “tin” & “leaks” are no problem.

  15. ashleycapes says:

    All right – we’ll keep going then – and thanks to Lorin for the insightful thoughts!

    The hokku I’ve chosen is

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail

    As it almost screams ‘hokku’ – both from a structural standpoint (with its neat ‘fragment and phrase’), and content, clearly set in winter, and also quite clearly evocative of a new year, perfect for beginning a renku – thank you, Valeria!

    So off we go, ‘degachi’ again for the waki – no season (or winter is ok too), 2 lines of course and please submit up to 3 verses for consideration.

    Ashley

  16. g’day all

    Lovely start.

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail

    vanilla permeates
    the icy night

    ~

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail

    out of the top hat
    in plenty of time

    ~

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail

    footprints leading us
    deeper into deep

    ~

    peace and love

  17. Valeria says:

    Thank you, Ashley, I’m honoured by your choice 🙂 Barbara, I LOVE your first 2 waki offers! Especially the vanilla one 🙂

  18. Joseph Mueller says:

    Great hokku to begin, Valeria. Barbara I really like:

    out of the top hat
    in plenty of time

    and here are three waki from me:

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail

    a lucky day
    disputes my horoscope

    or

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail

    contrails touch,
    vapor kisses

    or

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail

    (for the rhymers among us)

    a switch, a twitch
    our prey gets away

    Snowy snowy here in Vermont (where the skiing is exuberant right now!)

  19. Graham Nunn says:

    I concur… a great poem to open Valeria.

    Here are my offerings:

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail

    her name dashed
    down a slope of flesh
    (Graham)

    the sound of the river
    pulls us under
    (Graham)

    every cloud turns
    into a dead lamb
    (Graham)

  20. ashleycapes says:

    Excellent! Love the offers so far, this is going to be tough. Let’s keep it open a little longer and in the meantime I can only come up with one

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail

    dusting the bench-top
    with icing sugar

  21. Claire says:

    This is a great hokku, Valeria, so gentle to begin the year,
    Let’s go, waki speaking :

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir tree sways
    its snowy tail

    splinters of ice off
    the skaters’ axel

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir tree sways
    its snowy tail

    on the sleigh the logs
    for a roaring fire

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir tree sways
    its snowy tail

    abracadabra
    who gets the lucky charm?

  22. Joseph Mueller says:

    Love “the skaters’ axel” Claire! Also Graham’s “cloud/lamb”. Maybe because I cooked Moroccan lamb with dried plums and honey tonight!

  23. Claire says:

    Just thinking that “ice splinters” might be better… But, rather,

    ice crystals fly off
    the skaters’ axel

    Well, Joseph, it seems you are a fine cooker !
    Graham wrote three terryfing waki. What about Bli Bli, Nambour, where Peg lives…

  24. g’day all

    Thank you, Joseph, for your comment on my verse.

    For wakiki,I do like this one:

    ice crystals fly off
    the skaters’ axle (note spelling correction)

    I found Graham’s offerings to be somewhat grim for these opening verses.
    I love the action and visuals of the skaters putting us clearly in winter, and ready to take the next leap.

    peace and love

  25. ashleycapes says:

    Hi team,

    While I was tempted by the stark and stunning ku from Graham (the ‘lamb’) I do agree with Barbara and think it may be too dark for the waki. And also Claire’s wonderful ‘ice crystals’ came close, but it too, may be a little too active – especially with the daisan around the corner, as I want a big leap in verse 3, and I’d like the waki to serve as a compliment (almost tanka-like) to the hokku, which is also the reason I passed over Joe’s humorous ‘lucky day’ and have chosen Barbara’s ‘vanilla’, which I feel is a nice match in tone and an interesting verse in its own right.

    So, let’s keep going – from here it’ll be by turns and I’ll try and give everyone a spread between ‘feature’ verses and long & short verses.

    For the daisan, I’d like to ask Joseph to submit 3 or so candidates – as usual, looking for a daisan that ‘leaps off’ looking forward to seeing what you come up with!

    Ashley

  26. Claire says:

    Hi there,

    Thanks to Barbara and Ashley for commenting the crystals (next week, the European championships, love the “triple” !)
    Barbara, the vanilla links so well to “sways-tail” and so cool to read…

  27. gnunn says:

    Great choice Ash. I thought my offerings may have been a bit on the dark side… Am tinkering with them still. Looking forward to reading your offerings Joseph.

    Graham

  28. haikutec says:

    Just logging in and clicking notify so I can receive updates on your renku here. 😉

    Sad that Queensland is going under water. I used to live mostly in Churcill, Ipswich where my haiku was written about the golf club and a tawny frogmouth:
    http://area17.blogspot.com/2010/08/anatomy-of-haiku.html

    Alan

  29. Joseph Mueller says:

    OK…-5 here in Vermont and I am just finished cooking for eight people. Give me a few moments and I will be submissive. (Yusef Lateef on the stereo). Joseph

  30. Joseph Mueller says:

    Maybe the daisan should be competitive? In any case, here we go:

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail

    one woman’s kiss
    and two subway changes
    still leaves his lips parted
    (J)

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail

    straw to gold
    “A child at this age!”
    the fairy tale goes on
    (J)

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail

    six and seven,
    eight and nine blackbird watching
    creepy
    (J)

    There you go, Ash. If you don’t find any of them reasonable (who ever said poetry was reasonable?) open us up to competition. Joe

  31. Joseph Mueller says:

    Oops. That’s supposed to read:

    six and seven,
    eight and nine blackbirds watching
    creepy
    (J)

  32. ashleycapes says:

    Hi team, I just realised I have mis-led Joseph a little – as I didn’t supply the waki for him to bounce off!

    But, he’s provided what I think could be a excellent ‘love’ verse (and we have a pair of those verses coming up at 4&5) so I’d like to keep the momentum going and offer a couple of daisan candidates of my own (open to suggestions from everyone, plus I’d like to hear your preferred verse) and THEN ask Joseph to resubmit something like what is below, for verse 5

    one woman’s kiss
    and two subway changes
    his lips still parted
    (prov)

    Or something similar, Joseph, if you’d like? And then, have verse four, a two-line love verse, degachi again. So, here’s my offers:

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail
    (v)

    vanilla permeates
    the icy night
    (b)

    at the desk I imagine
    Kerouac and his pen
    drinking

    /

    at the desk I imagine
    Kerouac drinking
    with his pen

    or

    for some reason
    my pillow shares
    bad dreams

  33. Valeria says:

    Ashley, I like very much your Keruak verses)

  34. Joseph Mueller says:

    I am such an idiot! Would you like me to offer some daisan, now that I’ve found the waki? Oh, what late nights and port wine will do to a mind!

  35. Claire says:

    Well, I like the phrasing of the second Kerouac ku ; a typically Kerouac one, of course…
    Kerouac, Valeria, this is typically “breton”… Ker = “by” = home/house, his family roots, probably, before Canada. Is Valeria Russian? Because of the spelling, wondering!

  36. g’day all

    my preference here is:

    vanilla permeates
    the icy night

    for some reason
    my pillow shares
    bad dreams

    It allows for so much potential…

    Peace and Love

  37. Claire says:

    Yes, Barbara, much potential, links perfect with “permeates”, and, avoids the “I”,

  38. Joseph Mueller says:

    Ash, I really like “Kerouac and his pen drinking”. Excellent ku! I’ve spent some time in jack’s hometown of Lowell, MA. A sad and depressing tale.

    Anyway, here are some considerations for a proper daisan:

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail
    (v)

    vanilla permeates
    the icy night
    (b)

    fingering the ring,
    the pawnbroker smiles.
    cold, hard, cash
    (j)

    youth seems so distant
    watching grandchildren play.
    knees and chair both creak
    (j)

    and this last, odd one, which has a dreamlike resonance for me:

    a strange city
    many cranes gird the skyline
    Fly home! Fly home!
    (j)

    Hope all is well with my junicho partners. I’ve a hellish week of new classes to teach, sub-zero weather, and poor heating in my apartment. Still, snow tomorrow means an afternoon of badass skiing! Joe

  39. Joseph Mueller says:

    BTW Ash. Are you posting the junicho as it develops? So we can admire the flow and fluctuation?

  40. Valeria says:

    Thanks, Clair, for your explaining) Yes, I’m Russian)

  41. Valeria says:

    Claire I mean!))) Typos again)))

  42. ashleycapes says:

    Hi, just a quick note, you can check the ‘Finished Renku’ section of the menu and scroll to the bottom to see our Junicho updated as verses are selected.

    https://issassnail.wordpress.com/winter-junicho-unfinished/

  43. ashleycapes says:

    All right, we’re back. Sorry it’s taken so long, but I’ve been deliberating and collaborating, and in the end, Joseph has supplied this reworking of one of his verses, after I asked what we could do about the crane going back to the rabbit. Although, it was a particularly nice double play there on crane (machine) and crane (bird.)

    But here is the re-write, which has a strong link in shadow and keeps us moving with that great closing line.

    strange shadows
    gird the city skyline
    fly home! fly home!

    So, now, let’s go competitive again with our verse #4 – which is a love verse, 2 lines. Looking forward to seeing your verses!

    • gnunn says:

      Wow, this is coming along really nicely… love your verse Joseph! Will get cracking a love verse and send them in.

      G

  44. valeria says:

    alone in McDonald’s
    drawing ketchup hearts

    🙂

  45. Joseph Mueller says:

    Valeria, your “ketchup hearts” linked to the idea of loneliness or being alone is very evocative. The fast food evolution of “he loves me; she loves me not.” But does the word “alone,” linked to the shadows and unknown skyline preceding, carry through an unwanted underlying theme of loneliness to this junicho? Maybe not. Thoughts?

  46. g’day all

    some offers:

    strange shadows
    gird the city skyline
    fly home! fly home!

    welcome to my world,
    step into my dreams

    ~

    strange shadows
    gird the city skyline
    fly home! fly home!

    we miss the springy mattress
    in our penthouse

    ~

    strange shadows
    gird the city skyline
    fly home! fly home!

    double the spots on
    a double ladybird

    ~

    peace and love

  47. Claire says:

    strange shadows
    gird the skyline
    fly home! fly home!
    (Joseph)
    *
    in the cellar
    their throbbing hearts

    *

    both craving for
    a baby’s babblings

    *

    their tête à tête in
    the flickering flame of a candle

  48. Claire says:

    Hi Valeria!

    Don’t worry for the typos concerning my name! Could be Svetlana, if I’m not wrong…
    Kerouac, though, the people of Brittany are strict on their Breizh origins !!!

  49. Joseph says:

    Barbara, I like your

    welcome to my world,
    step into my dreams

    and Claire, your

    in the cellar
    their throbbing hearts (which, if you’ve read Poe, can be downright spooky!)

    Looking forward to see how this evolves, Joe

  50. Claire says:

    Sorry, just think think the balance would be better like that for my first one :

    night in the cellar
    their throbbing hearts

    and

    their tête à tête
    in the flickering candle’ s flame

  51. Claire says:

    Well, Joseph, I read some Poe… short stories in high school in French – it was a revelation, the rue Morgue, the golden schafer and others, should read them again in English, this time ! Yes, he is a master !

  52. Claire says:

    Sorry, again! I’m obliged to do without “night”, as Barbara had entered it previously. So, I’m coming back to my first version,

    in the cellar
    their throbbing hearts

  53. gnunn says:

    Here goes with my love offerings…

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail
    (v)

    vanilla permeates
    the icy night
    (b)

    strange shadows
    gird the city skyline
    fly home! fly home!
    (j)

    moving towards me
    your closed eyes

    (Graham)

    the season shuffles by
    and you alone

    or

    in the cold bed
    seasons shuffle by

    (Graham)

    her breath
    mists the darkness

    (Graham)

  54. Claire says:

    As ‘night’ isn’t possible, something else,

    down in the cellar
    their throbbing hearts

  55. ashleycapes says:

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail
    (v)

    vanilla permeates
    the icy night
    (b)

    strange shadows
    gird the city skyline
    fly home! fly home!
    (j)

    moving towards me
    your closed eyes
    (g)

    Thank you, everyone for the fantastic responses – I found this one to be the toughest choice so far. Though I think many verses had what we need in a love verse, Valeria’s and Graham’s were the best fit in my mind – Valeria’s because of it’s sheer inventiveness and Graham’s for its wonderful tenderness. Both brought the right amount of direct human action, but when reviewing, I wanted some personal pro-nouns in the Junicho at this point.

    And I think I do agree with Joseph that the Junicho does risk an undercurrent of somberness and I’d like to try and avoid that, so I’ve chosen Graham’s ‘closed eyes’ ku and would like to throw things to Joseph once more for a follow up love verse, this one 3 lines.

  56. Joseph Mueller says:

    hey all! Crazy day of meeting with parents who believe that their son or daughter should be able to choose their teacher. I got so fed up and told them to apply to a different college. AND they made me late for my ski race! Ugh!

    So, here is my resubmitted ku, because I love it so much:

    one woman’s kiss
    and two subway changes
    his lips still parted

    Question? Do you think we need the “and” in the second line? Or can it travel without it?

    Joe

    • ashleycapes says:

      I like this one too, Joe – it’s got clear links, and in the context of following Graham’s verse, it continues a nice uplifting mood to the pair of love verses. Great ku in of itself too.

      I think it needs the end or else it risks becoming 3 separate lines, to my mind when I read it, so I’d like to leave it there for now.

      So, that was easy! Let’s keep going, Claire, would you like to submit some candidates for an autumn moon verse? 2 lines etc

      Here’s the renku so far

      year of the rabbit –
      a fir branch sways
      its snowy tail
      (v)

      vanilla permeates
      the icy night
      (b)

      strange shadows
      gird the city skyline
      fly home! fly home!
      (j)

      moving towards me
      your closed eyes
      (g)

      one woman’s kiss
      and two subway changes
      his lips still parted
      (j)

      • gnunn says:

        Like it alot Joseph! And thanks Ash for taking my ‘closed eyes’ 2-liner. Some nice progression happening here.

  57. Joseph Mueller says:

    Thanks, Graham and Ashley. I can’t wait to see what Claire has up her sleeve!

  58. g’day all

    nice progression…here’s to Claire’s moon….

    now Claire,
    could it possibly be
    mon ami, Pierrot?

    Peace and Love

  59. Claire says:

    Two great three liners by Joseph !

    a woman’s kiss
    and two subway changes
    his lips still parted
    (Joseph)

    such a balmy autumn
    harvesting moonlight words

    *
    her moon perfume lingers
    above the haystacks

    *
    lend me your pen, dear
    this moonlight poem for you

    *
    now, shifting,

    full autumn moon
    the red car by her door

  60. Claire says:

    Oh, yes, Barbara, mon ami, Pierrot
    It’s Pierrot de la lune, too, and,
    of course, Pierrot dans la lune….

    6:16 am, here!

    • lorin says:

      I like your ‘moon perfume’ verse, Claire, but think about Barbara’s Pierrot suggestion, too… in that area, anyway

      moving towards me
      your closed eyes
      (g)

      one woman’s kiss
      and two subway changes
      his lips still parted

      (j)
      I think you have a great opportunity to bring in a mime artist here after that ‘his lips still parted’…just a thought. It has to be Autumn, too. Hmmm… at this stage of the renku you could even name him!

      – Lorin

  61. Joseph Mueller says:

    Claire! I love “moon perfume”! Beautiful ocular and olfactory image!

    J.

  62. g’day all

    my feelings are that a non human verse is preferable here.
    moon by itself is of itself autumn kigo.

    this revision would work well:

    moon perfume lingers
    above the haystacks

    peace and love

  63. lorin says:

    I’d say you’re right, Barbara, if you mean that another pronoun, for the 3rd verse in a row, might be a tad too much.

    moon perfume lingers
    above the haystacks

    But haven’t we got perfume, or scent, aroma or the like in your verse 2?

    vanilla permeates
    the icy night
    (b)

    Vanilla is one of my favourite aromas, and I can’t help imagining that if the moon had a perfume (or a perfume was called ‘moon perfume’) it’d be a vanilla-based one, maybe YSL’s ‘Cinema’.

    – Lorin

  64. ashleycapes says:

    Hey team, I do agree with Barbara and Lorin here. I probably should have mentioned that we ought to avoid any pronouns up next, but it’s easy enough to alter.

    Claire, would you mind submitting 3 more or rework your first 3 verses,s till with moon & autumn, but not a ‘person’ verse?

    I’ll be away from the computer for a day or so, but will check back as soon as I can!

  65. Claire says:

    Hi again,
    Sorry to do with/without characters…

    one woman’s kiss
    and two subway changes
    his lips still parted
    (Joseph)

    moon lullaby
    a lovers’ dream

    *
    at the Oktoberfest Marceau
    miming a pin-up girl

    *
    in the moonlight the grapes
    for a vintage year

    *
    ripe grapes and folk songs
    moon harvests

    *
    moon perfume lingers
    above the haystacks

    *
    moonbeams linger
    in the october night

    *
    a moonlight sonata
    in the harvested field !

  66. lorin says:

    Hi Claire,
    I like the ‘moonlight sonata’, but I especially like

    in the moonlight the grapes
    for a vintage year

    …for its great link to those ‘open lips’ of Joseph’s, also for its rhythm (the two definite articles are working beautifully here, which they very rarely do) Very nicely shows early Autumn, too, with the ripe grapes.

    (Like the Marceau one, too, of course, but I think Ashley’s note about ‘no person’ would include M. too. Never mind, you’ll be able to use it or a variation another time)

    -Lorin

    – Lorin

  67. g’day all

    oh, yes indeed, vanilla and perfume….

    Getting away from people, I really like this:

    in the moonlight the grapes
    for a vintage year

    I suppose those ripening grapes will make a good vintage for consumers.

    peace and love

  68. Claire says:

    Thanks Lorin and Barbara for your help and comments. It seemed to me abnormal to directly link to the two previous love verse and continue the story.
    The grapes were an alternative. So, I’m glad to have rummaged a bit!
    I don’t know, though, if Marcel Marceau would have mimed a pin-up girl. He
    rather had classical themes. I like my first one which turns to be a love verse
    rather than a moon verse.
    Thanks, anyway, for learning me to learn! Waiting for Ashley’s decision…

  69. genevieve osborne says:

    Hi Ashley and all,
    Enjoying reading this new Junicho.
    Just back yesterday from the south coast – what a mistake – 42 degrees in Sydney, seriously horrible, but the heat is a small thing compared with this new threat for Queensland and we’re thinking of all those in the path of the cyclone in the next 24 hours.
    Will keep reading with interest as the ku come in,
    All best wishes to everyone,
    Genevieve.

    • ashleycapes says:

      Hi Genevieve! Great to have you back, sounds like a rough trip, but as you say, it will get rougher for Queensland soon.
      If you like, stick around for the 3rd renga too, as we’ve got a bit of a back log of writers waiting for a spot at the snail!

  70. ashleycapes says:

    Yep, I’m taken with this one too, great verse, Claire

    in the moonlight the grapes
    for a vintage year

    For basically all the reasons already so aptly expressed by the team! I think, especially as we’ve already had our 2 love verses, this one is the best for this position. I’m also going to jump in myself with some candidates for the next verse, which is 3 lines and our second and last autumn verse. (Next will be a n/s)

    Back soon

  71. ashleycapes says:

    Ok, here’s my offers, please let me know what you think, make suggestions etc and we’ll see if any will fit

    one woman’s kiss
    and two subway changes
    his lips still parted
    (j)

    in the moonlight the grapes
    for a vintage year
    (c)

    interrupted!
    loose shutters
    in a windstorm
    (a)

    teens bunch together
    in the schoolyard
    a wild wind
    (a)

    shouting directions
    wind tugs
    at the old sign
    (a)

  72. Claire says:

    Thanks Ashley for choosing the vintage year.

    Now, which one of yours to choose? The three of them are a leap to opening something new. The third one offers much opportunity for the following verse. However, the second (with characters) puts up back in the human realm. Probably, my choice, humm, the first has a direct link, stops the dream and links to to-day’s news.
    Depends on what your choice leads you… Will try to think at it better…

    • ashleycapes says:

      My pleasure, Claire, it’s a really interesting link for me, with the grapes & lips, I definitely like it.

      And great point, those ‘teens’ are a problem there. I wonder if another word will suit? ‘Leaves’ or something less obvious perhaps.

  73. Claire says:

    According to John’s Rck, it should be a non-season position. And, moon, too.
    “Leaves” should be good, but, then, why entering a schoolyard?
    leaves bunch together/wind tugs/at the old sign/. Or, if it has to be more general, your third one!
    Where is the team ?!
    Well, this 270 km/h wind on Cairns and Queesland. Difficult to realize, the worst I know is 100 km/h.

    • ashleycapes says:

      Hi Claire, I’m using a modified version of the winter schema from John’s site, so that’s why the moon is in a different spot (and a few other verses too)

      Yes, such crazy, crazy winds, it’s just so difficult to comprehend.

  74. Joseph Mueller says:

    Hey All! Love the “vintage” Claire!

    We’ve been receiving (gratefully) much snow here in Vermont and I have been trying to ski often before teaching all day and into the night.

    Of your submissions, Ash, I prefer the first:

    interrupted!
    loose shutters
    in a windstorm
    (a)

    But could be persuaded to amend the third somehow from “tugs” to “batters” or so.

    Joe

  75. Joseph Mueller says:

    Be safe in those ridiculously dangerous winds!

  76. g’day all

    Ashley, of these offers I prefer:

    interrupted!
    loose shutters
    in a windstorm

    feel it could be tweaked to

    interruptions…
    loose shutters bang
    in a windstorm

    ~

    peace and love

  77. Claire says:

    Hi everybody,

    “Interruptions” is (to me) better than “interrupted”.
    However, why not, “crazy winds”, or “strains”

    crazy strains
    loose shutters bang
    in a windstorm

    So, that would be a clear approach to those global warming effects nobody wants to recognize!

    Well, this is just my idea!

    Cheers to all,

  78. ashleycapes says:

    Hi everyone, thank you for all the feedback, excellent. I’ve immediately eliminated number 2, so it comes down to either team fav #1 or #3.

    We have a no season verse coming up next and so my choice will be influenced on what serves that best, but also, the more I read them, the more I doubt that I’ve nailed the link with #1, and it’s sharpness might have been better served in the verse position where Claire’s ‘grapes’ now lies.

    And while changing it to ‘interruptions’ would soften this (a great suggestion in itself too) – I still feel the link is a bit stronger in #3 – so I’ll take Joe’s advice and offer an alteration indebted to his suggestion. I think the verb form works nicely here:

    shouting directions
    the wind
    batters an old sign
    (a)

    So, there we have it. Now I’d like to call on Valeria to supply us with some candidates for the next position if she can, 2 lines and no-season, looking forward to seeing what you come up with, Valeria!

    • gnunn says:

      That is a great edit Ash and with Yasi recently crossing our QLD coast, very topical (or shoudl I say tropical)… what a tough start to the year we have had up here… here’s hoping for some calmer weather in the next couple of months. Look forward to reading your contributions Valeria!

  79. Joseph Mueller says:

    What have you got, Valeria? Can’t wait to see. Joe

  80. Claire says:

    Bonjour!

    Do we have to introduce a character as the two previous ones had none? Just wondering…

  81. valeria says:

    Sorry for the delay!
    As we haven’t yet had any literal allusion, I offer this one:

    “The Way of All Flesh”
    read to the end

    Will write more offers a little bit later)

  82. valeria says:

    the City of Pompeii
    forever empty

  83. Joseph Mueller says:

    Hmm… I like both, but feel them both so “direct”? Thinking of ends and emptiness, I came up with this:

    the city of ashes
    forever empty

    Valeria’s verse, but with a twist. Just a thought.

  84. ashleycapes says:

    I like both too, and the directness appeals to me also. I’ll be back tomorrow sometime!

  85. valeria says:

    Tell me if you need new offers. I like Joseph’s suggestion!

  86. ashleycapes says:

    Joe’s tweak is great, I agree, Valeria – it’s open nature retains nice subtlety, but I think you’ve provided the perfect verse for the sequence in the first version Valeria, as we don’t actually have any direct references to a specific place/person/time etc, and the rich history of Pompeii should provide a superb leaping off point for whoever follows with our one and only summer verse, so I’d like to take:

    the City of Pompeii
    forever empty

    So I’m nominating Graham next, Graham could you please submit some candidates for our next verse, a 3 liner, summer?

    • gnunn says:

      3 line summer verse… okay here goes:

      (the first one is a reworking of a verse i submitted earlier)

      still dawn
      every cloud is
      a dead lamb

      lightning
      sky to sea
      and back again

      kissing
      behind a stand of pines
      the sun slips

      look forward to hearing your thoughts!

      cheers,

      graham

  87. valeria says:

    Thanks, Ashley! 🙂

  88. g’day all

    of these I think

    still dawn
    every cloud is
    a dead lamb

    we have already had a kiss, fir tree is in hokku and pine is autumn kigo

    This verse links well to Valeria’s.

    peace and love

  89. Joseph Mueller says:

    Hey Graham, I like this one too:

    still dawn
    every cloud is
    a dead lamb

    but what if?

    still dawn
    with every cloud
    a dead lamb

    the verb is, just didn’t resonate with me.

    Who’s next?

  90. ashleycapes says:

    Will be back later tonight with a selection!
    Ash

  91. Claire says:

    I just like how Joseph re-modelled Graham’s verse without a verb, but I’m wondering about… summer (a lamb is a spring kigo here), if it has to be summer ?
    Then, the “lightning” one should be summertime typical, and would bring some rythm in this second part of the renku ??? Wondering!
    Has the second folio of a Junicho to be negative to the first? Wondering again !

    A nice day to everybody,

  92. ashleycapes says:

    Hi team! Thanks for the discussion while I made my slow way back to the computer, great to come back and see it.
    I am still a huge fan of the lamb verse but I actually lean toward Graham’s second offer for our Junicho – and agree with Claire that ‘lightning’ may be the best kigo for our purposes. While I love the ‘sun slips’ too, I think this one must be it:

    lightning
    sky to sea
    and back again
    (g)

    Especially for the energy and movement within this verse, and as it is such a clear shift too – as we certainly haven’t heard from the sea yet and the lightning itself is even its own tight little metaphor for the idea of renku with its link & shift, back and forth.

    So, thank you Graham!

    Next up is going to be me, I’ll be submitting a 2 line no-season verse, hopefully in a few minutes. As before, please make suggestions and let me know what you feel will work best (after me is the spring blossom verse, followed by a spring ageku)

  93. ashleycapes says:

    lightning
    sky to sea
    and back again
    (g)

    winding string in a
    clumsy cat’s cradle

    tiling his roof at dawn
    an inconsiderate rhythm

    I imagine Kerouac
    and his pen drinking

    Ok, there’s 3, I put Kerouac back in there on a whim, if anyone can convince me that there’s actually a link there, I’d be happy to consider it 🙂 Also, cannot remember renku protocol on words that are kigo not used as kigo, like ‘cat’ which may or may not be an early spring kigo but here isn’t really meant to be a cat as such.

    Anyway, I can always write more or we think these won’t work!

    • gnunn says:

      I love:

      winding string in a
      clumsy cat’s cradle

      I think it embellishes on the image of the lightning, wonderfully well!

      I also like the roof tiler verse and think that Barbara’s edit is really strong.

      Look forward to reading your final choice Ash,

      G

  94. g’day Ashley

    The one I prefer is:

    tiling his roof at dawn
    an inconsiderate rhythm

    but because there are several verbs alaready commencing with ing
    it could be tweaked thus:

    lightning
    sky to sea
    and back again

    inconsiderate rhythms-
    the roof tiler at dawn

    peace and love

  95. ashleycapes says:

    Thanks, BAT & Graham! I’ve been thinking over the last couple of days what to do here. I really think Barbara’s re-working of the tiles verse is perfect, but also, there is something in the string verse too.

    My concern remains with the potential spring kigo in there with ‘cat’ in a no-season position, especially before 2 spring verses. It clearly isn’t a cat as in an animal, but I still hesitate. And Graham has picked up on the visual link that I was going for between string & the lightening, but it might be best to use a sound link here.

    And so our next verse is:

    inconsiderate rhythms –
    the roof-tiler at dawn
    (a)

    And so on to our second last verse! I’d like to ask Barbara to submit 3 candidates for our next verse when possible? 3 lines, spring blossom, Barbara.

  96. g’day all

    some offers:

    inconsiderate rhythms –
    the roof-tiler at dawn

    a Richmond Birdwing
    dodges the flying
    nashi blooms

    inconsiderate rhythms –
    the roof-tiler at dawn

    outside her workshop
    peach fragrance fires
    up hayfever

    inconsiderate rhythms –
    the roof-tiler at dawn

    higher! higher!
    push till my feet reach
    the cherry blossom

    ~~~

    peace and love

  97. Claire says:

    Of Barbara’s ku, I tend to have a preference for her first one ; “a nashi bloom” is a spring kigo – the “Richmond birdwing dodging” links perfectly to the the roof tiler’s inconsiderate rythm – this ku, all by itself, is to me, a nice representation of spring ( colors, nature life and rythm).
    As the “inconsiderate rythm” was (to me) a climax, then, once again, I prefer this one.
    I love the “peach fragrance” and the humoristic aspect of the hayfever, but, if it has to be a bloom…
    Anyway, both of them are exquisite !

  98. ashleycapes says:

    outside her workshop
    peach fragrance fires
    up hayfever
    (b)

    Might just be the one, out of 3 great verses. I choose this verse over the highly effective ‘Richmond’ as we have a few sky/flight references throughout – but the reason I like this one especially for this position, is that is references the blossom so subtly. Perhaps without a direct reference the blossom would go unnnoticed anywhere else in the Junicho, but at verse position eleven, historically so often a blossom position, it is quite clear to me.

    I also really like the fires-up/workshop/hayfever relationship within the verse, it’s a nice shift and should allow for an interesting ageku.

    And so, to our final verse now, Claire, would you be able to submit 3 candidates for a spring ageku, 2 lines?

  99. Claire says:

    Will try to post my candidates to-night or saturday. I wanted to watch “Xynthia, one year later”, so, I’m a bit late. Sorry,

  100. Claire says:

    So, let’s go, now,

    outside her workshop
    peach fragrance fires
    up hayfever
    (Barbara)

    a blue mist tops
    the mountain peaks

    outside her workshop
    peach fragrance fires
    up hayfever

    over the rainbow
    thgis is Koinobori day

    outside her workshop
    peach fragrance fires
    up hayfever

    throwing confetti all over
    Harlequin revels

  101. Claire says:

    Adding one,

    confettis on and on
    carnival is in full swing

  102. ashleycapes says:

    Hi Claire! Thank you for these, I’ll be back tonight to have a look and see which one will be our ageku!

  103. ashleycapes says:

    My apologies, just one more day team – getting a lot of ‘bonus’ work at work at the moment, so I will return as soon as I can
    Ash

  104. Graham Nunn says:

    Hi everyone,

    Been travelling, but am glad I am back looking over all the action that has happened. My pick for the ageku is Claire’s blue mist verse.

    I would like to make the following suggestion:

    blue mist
    tops the mountain peaks

    Look forward to reading your choice Ash,

    Graham

  105. lorin says:

    Hi Ashley, Claire and All,

    …popping in, now I have some time again, to see how this renku is shaping up…very nicely, I see!

    I do see one or two possible problems with the ‘tops the mountain peaks’ verse:

    inconsiderate rhythms –
    the roof-tiler at dawn

    outside her workshop
    peach fragrance fires
    up hayfever

    blue mist
    tops the mountain peaks

    It takes me back to the roof-tiler… ‘up’. But I also know that the ageku is free from all usual restrictions, so this problem is probably only in my mind. I do like Graham’s edit…great line break! The other problem is that ‘mist’ is listed as a venerable Autumn kigo (just as ‘moon’ is) ; it needs to be qualified if it’s to show Spring…’spring mist’.

    Or it could be fixed by substituting ‘haze’ for ‘mist’, as ‘haze’, unqualified is a Spring kigo.

    – Lorin

    – Lorin

  106. lorin says:

    When is the main carnival time in France, Claire? Spring?

    – Lorin

  107. g’day all

    Thanks Claire for your comments on my verses.

    Wondering, isn’t blue introducing another colour…vanilla at the start?

    peace and love

  108. lorin says:

    Hi Barbara,
    I think that the ageku is released from the usual restrictions, but now that you’ve brought up the subject:

    vanilla permeates
    the icy night – B

    outside her workshop
    peach fragrance fires
    up hayfever -B

    I think you have two ‘fragrance ‘ ku going in this renku. Whether it’s considered that the separation between the two verses is sufficient or not will be up to sabaki, or ultimately, readers.

    – Lorin

  109. Claire says:

    Hi de petit matin,

    Thanks to you all for your comments and questions,

    I have tried to link to the preceding ku and to the hokku, ageku speaking.So, the mist topping in place of the snow and fir tree swaying… Snow/mountain-peaks.
    “Blue spring mist”, then. I just haven’t thought of “mist” being a kigo. Is-it a problem to have another color? As there is anoter season? Don’t know! “Vanilla’ in the second ku, I feel it as a scent, some winter perfume coming up from the snow, quiet and light as fresh snow.
    It seemed Ihad to deepen the force of “fires up/hayfever (atchoum!), so, “tops” and “peaks”. An, blue… because of spring and relief from “hayfever”.

    Then, Graham’s idea of suppressing the article gives more force to the link, and reads better. So, ok for “blue spring mist”. I choose “mist” to “haze” because of the assonance i/ea which seemed to close the poem.
    Then, “a blue spring mist”? to qualify again… spring?

    And, finally, it may not be so good, if Barbara has something better, we can exchange with the “ice crystals!” (global market story…)

    Carnival, asks Lorin. Le Carnaval de Nice is in february, it’s considered spring, although it’s still somewhat winter, even there… Even with the floats decorated with oranges and lemons the same in Menton, a flower festival, there, too). Generally speaking, carnivals are related to spring, even if north and south do not really share the same temperatures and vegetation.

    We’ll wait for Ashley’s view… Thanks again to have shared this with you!

    Well, what else? I don’t know!

  110. lorin says:

    Hi Claire,
    I’ve been thinking…

    throwing confetti all over
    Harlequin revels

    confettis on and on
    carnival is in full swing

    …you could also do something with harlequin/ carnival using harlequin beetles:

    http://www.google.com.au/images?hl=en&rlz=1G1GGLQ_ENAU339&=&q=harelquin+beetle&um=1&ie=UTF-8&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&biw=1024&bih=605

    harlequin beetles
    brighten the carnival

    …or other similar possibilities, as an allusion to the renku that’s closing & those taking part. Just a thought.

    – Lorin

  111. ashleycapes says:

    Hello everyone!

    Wonderful to have so much discussion, thanks for picking up the slack. I’ve had a lot to think on for this verse, and I’m going to make a selection based on a few beliefs that may need clarification, but I will do so during our editing stage.

    Now, this verse tempted me, Claire, with its joyful nature:

    throwing confetti all over
    Harlequin revels

    But I also found the mountain verse quite exultant, which is a really satisfying way to end a renku I feel, and it’s the verse I think we should use.

    blue mist
    tops the mountain peaks

    So firstly, I like Graham’s revision too, and as Claire is also happy with it, let’s adopt it.

    In regards to colour – I believe we have to decide whether a word represents a colour or a scent (or something else), in the context of the verse, to then decide on regression in the renku. So, ‘peach’ ‘snowy’ ‘vanilla’ ‘blue’ I see two as colours and two as scents, I feel less concern about too many colours. This is partly because the ageku is a little more free of constraint, as Lorin has noted.

    I also like the way this ageku returns in feeling to hokku, I prefer that ‘echo’ in an ageku as I feel snow & fir bring mountains to mind.

    Now, more questions to be answered! I agree with Claire with about the assonance of ‘mist’, though we do appear to have a kigo problem. So at this point, I’d like to take the ageku as is, then look at the whole renku and see where else there may be issues, as the group sees them, then make my final choices and edits based on your input.

    So, anything you feel may be worth discussing, please let me know.

    And well done, I really, really enjoyed working on this one with you all, your input, humour and willingness to accept alterations etc is what makes renku so good to participate in!

    Ashley

  112. Claire says:

    Well, well, well…

    Just seems to me that we can have two scents as the seasons are different, why not?
    “Blue… mist” resonate in me as of nice weather, “mist” is light anyway and “blue” is always springlike (and, hayfever is spring, too, kigo, probably) >> two spring verses have to follow, renku rule.
    To me, this is quite nice like that!

    Then, those beetles. In past times, children used to play “beetles”, attaching one paw with a thread and have them fly around (what an idea).

    That should too long, I think, but the ageku such as it is may be a bit short…

    Just, this :

    Harlequin beetles twirl, blue mist
    tops the mountain peaks

    are “beetles” kigo? Anyway, they are spring symbols, especially those Harlequin… brighly-colored.
    It can help to qualify “mist” into spring if “blue” is not sufficient?

    Yes, renku brings something quite special to haiku itself, sharing a mood above the words!!

  113. Joseph Mueller says:

    Hey All! Sorry to be absent so long…teaching, teaching, teaching. Nice to hear Lorin’s input, as always. I did like this suggestion for ageku:
    confettis on and on
    carnival is in full swing

    with a modification:

    confetti like snow
    carnival in full swing

    I don’t know if winter is suitable (I can never remember), but drop the verb in the second line for image.

    I hope to write with you all soon, Joe

    • ashleycapes says:

      That’s a nice reworking Joe, but with the modified schema I’ve used, the ageku is spring, though no reason it couldn’t be another season, based on how traditional we were feeling?

  114. lorin says:

    “are “beetles” kigo? Anyway, they are spring symbols, especially those Harlequin… brighly-colored.”

    Hi Claire,
    I don’t know whether harlequin beetles are a Spring kigo, but kigo are based on Japanese seasons and literature. Beetles of all kinds seem to come out here, where I am, from mid to late Spring and continue en masse until mid-summer, when many die. I don’t know when they come out in your area.

    If you wanted to find out if beetles (in general) are a kigo (Japanese) you could google.

    I agree with Ashley that the colour blue isn’t a problem in your ageku , by the way. Just wanted to let you know there are possibilities for your ‘harlequin/ carnival’ ku , too…whether for now or another time.

    – Lorin

    – Lorin

  115. Bill Dennis says:

    While waiting in hope of participating in a later junicho, I’ve been following “year of the rabbit.” At the same time, I have been reading on Renku Reconer about linking by fragrance. My understanding of “fragrance” is not clear, but I suspect that the term is meant to be suggestive rather than connotative. Whatever! Rightly or in error, in my mind I have derived a sense of the emotional atmosphere of each verse serving as a link, and I’ve done some singleton practice junicho focused on that as the means of linking, with which I was rather more pleased than I had been when using more concrete links. Looking at “year of the rabbit,” and relying on my own impressions to derive a series of moods (which I admit could be interperted differently, even by me), I arrive at the following sequence. The number refers to the links involved. I think it does produce a sequence with emotional logic, and that, I feel was inevitable–part of the human condition. I present it for consideration and comment.

    1-2. Mood: cold insouciance-cold richness
    2-3. Mood: cold richness-chaotic collapse
    3-4. Mood: chaotic collapse-entranced approach
    4-5. Mood: entranced approach-entranced withdrawal
    5-6. Mood: entranced withdrawal- future hope
    6-7. Mood: future hope-angry instruction
    7-8. Mood: angry instruction-failure
    8-9. Mood: failure-violent exchange
    9-10. Mood: violent exchange-impersonal progress
    10-11. Mood: impersonal progress-progress humorously impeded
    11-12. Mood: progress humorously impeded-striving subsides into tranquility

  116. ashleycapes says:

    Thank you, Bill, for such a wonderfully detailed analysis, very, very appreciated! It’s fascinating to see it that way, I’ll be back to share some thoughts soon!

    Ashley

  117. ashleycapes says:

    Still running behind, putting a studio together at school, will return when I can, sorry all!

  118. ashleycapes says:

    Hi team – a quick update: Admin duties at the Snail, combined with a hectic end of the teaching term (still not quite over), combined with University assignments, have left me time poor.

    Our Winter Junicho is in my mind and I will be back to wrap it up, but even though I love renku, I cannot risk failing my first Honours assignment. It would be a little embarrassing, not doubt!

    Back later tonight

  119. ashleycapes says:

    Re: ‘mist’ in the ageku.

    ‘Haze’ doesn’t sound as pleasant, perhaps, to my ear. And mist is, according to this source, both spring or autumn kigo, but how can we tell which is being used, in English?

    http://worldkigodatabase.blogspot.com/2005/06/fog-mist-haze-and-more.html

    We might assume the reader will know which season is being invoked by reason of verse position 12 in a Winter Junicho – which will usually be spring or autumn. And because 11 is spring, and as they come in pairs, 12 too, must be spring. (Just as a pair of autumn verses have already appeared) I’ve used a slightly modified schema for this particular Junicho, but I did leave the verses as pairs for the most part.

    That I believe might solve the problem, though it may not be enough. I will seek guidance and return. So too, in regard to the spread between ‘fragrances’ in our renku. Is there enough space between them? In a short sequence, perhaps, perhaps not. Part of me thinks there is enough distance between them, at 2 & 11.

    Time away from this piece has helped me find something else that is of some concern. I see some recurrences between ideas of ‘the city’ and locating a lot of our action in ‘high places’ in our renku, and believe we need to do some tweaking. Below is a list of the verses, and you will no doubt see the connections I do. Some are perhaps too close to kannonbiraki in the context of where they lie, while others seem to direct the mind to similar places, ie: ‘high places’ or ‘the city.’

    strange shadows
    gird the city skyline
    fly home! fly home!

    one woman’s kiss
    and two subway changes
    his lips still parted

    the City of Pompeii
    forever empty

    inconsiderate rhythms –
    the roof-tiler at dawn

    blue mist
    tops the mountain peaks

    So, what do you think?

  120. g’day Ashley, and anyone who’s still here,

    Yes, I see what you are saying. We could tweak things by taking out city in verses#3;
    we could take out roof in verse#10. In verse #11 I guess I could change fragrance to blossom. I rather liked the use of all the f sounds.

    I also think Claire’s Harlequin beetles may well have a place as the ageku.

    Peace and Love

  121. Claire says:

    Good evening Ashley, Barbara, and all,

    According to what Ashley says, here seems to me there are too many “high places” in this junicho. What about “high places” ? Contrarily to Barbara, I understand, “above”, flying… over rooves”, just like, “skyline”, the kiss… drifting in the air, the roof-tyler and, finally, my own (!) “tops the mountain peak”.

    So, do you mean the ageku has to be on the earth ?

    Then, it would avoid another climax… Although I like my assonances, i, ea, and considering the ageku is spring, then, “spring mist” ?

    However, if it has to be …down… to…. earth…

    Just an idea…

    floats parading
    Mr Carnival plays oranges and lemons

    as earlier (Barbara’s ku), she was going out of a workshop, so could be working on floats’ decoration

    Well, can’t be longer right now because of a short story, the defense of the langue française, a very laborious challenging experience !!!
    Sleeping… almost one am !
    Let’s go to the Roman de Renart…

  122. Claire says:

    the ageku… on the earth-level, sorry!

  123. ashleycapes says:

    Coming in with one proposed ‘solution’ or alteration to our Junicho – what does everyone, particularly Claire, think of this for our ending 3:

    inconsiderate rhythms –
    the floor-tiler at dawn

    outside her workshop
    peach fragrance fires
    up hayfever

    harlequin beetles
    brighten the carnival

    As Barbara has suggested, perhaps there is room for Claire’s beetles here? Adopting this edit, we avoid another reference to a ‘high place’ (and I change my roof-tiler to ‘floor-tiler’ too) and we still end on a uplifting note with Lorin’s excellent version of Claire’s beetle/harlequin verse.

    Keen to hear from Joe here too, especially in regard to our concerns for the ‘city’ imagery throughout, before I propose any changes there. It’s actually quite tough, because both verses rely on the city and use it effectively. Though perhaps something in the area of ‘bright’ instead of ‘city’ in the ‘fly home’ verse.

    Any way, thoughts please!

  124. Claire says:

    Hello!

    Yes, this is a nice ending, the flight of the colors (the “Harlequin beetles”) intensifying
    the rejoicement. A good conclusion following the intense activity of the preceding verses.
    So, thanks to Lorin and Barbara to have reworked this junicho.

    Why not ?

    strange shadows
    gird the pond’s empty banks
    fly home! fly home!

    Anyway, I’m very glad to have been part of tis winter junicho!

    So, waiting for Joseph’ views…

  125. Claire says:

    Bill spoke of human mood and linking by fragrance, this junicho represents this schema quite well, doesn’t-it? And, tranquility in the ageku to emphasize the realisation of the different phases…

  126. ashleycapes says:

    Excellent, thank you, Claire! Appreciate your quick response too! Just waiting for Joe now, I’ll shoot him an e-mail and see what he thinks.
    And I agree, Bill has a good eye, huh? It does seem to link quite nicely with fragrance. Actually, the wide variety of possible linkage is still something that convinces me I could learn about renku for dozens of years and only get half way in!

  127. Claire says:

    So, finalised, not finalised?
    I’m a bit lost, time erases our lines, it seems.

    strange shadows
    gird the pond’s banks
    fly home! fly home!

    would be long enough.
    What about Joe’s thought?

  128. ashleycapes says:

    Hi Claire, I’ve heard from Joe and he’s well, busy helping out after Hurricaine Irene in the States,and I’ve just got to post up his response – as he gave it to me a little while ago. Will be back soon 🙂

  129. ashleycapes says:

    Sorry folks, I’ve been in Italy struggled to catch up after getting back

    Here’s what Joe said – what do you think?

    I like the emendation of city skyline to pond, though the change may “over-naturalize” what is, in my mind, a more urban poem.

    I also believe we can drop the word “City” from “City of Pompeii.”

    I have been teaching and travelling and haven’t had so much email access lately. I start teaching full time at two colleges in three weeks and have been reading and plotting classes!

  130. barbara says:

    g’day all if you’re here

    Well, welcome back Ashley. You, as sabaki, now must make a decision.

    I think Joe is right but it can work without city skyline, and city of before Pompeii, although that would be a very short verse indeed. Maybe dusty Pompeii. And maybe something before pond, eg koi or lily. It’s up to you. I expect everyone involved will be pleased to see this poem finalised, and completed in the year of the rabbit before the dragon steps in!

    Here are some suggestions for title:

    year of the rabbit

    strange shadows

    inconsiderate rhythms

    Here is the version I am working with:

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail /v

    vanilla permeates
    the icy night /b

    strange shadows
    gird the pond
    fly home! fly home!/j

    moving towards me
    your closed eyes(g)

    one woman’s kiss
    and two subway changes
    his lips still parted (Joseph)

    in the moonlight the grapes
    for a vintage year/c

    *

    shouting directions
    the wind
    batters an old sign/Ashley

    Pompeii
    forever empty/v

    lightning
    sky to sea
    and back again(g)

    inconsiderate rhythms –
    the floor-tiler at dawn(a)

    outside her workshop
    peach fragrance fires
    up hayfever /bat spring

    harlequin beetles
    brighten the carnival /(c)

    ~~~

    Season’s Greetings
    Peace and Love

  131. Joseph Mueller says:

    Barbara! I, too, would like to see this poem finalized before the dragon comes in. Hello to everyone. I look forward to writing with you all again soon. (It’s been a long semester.)

    I like Barbara’s take on the flow.

  132. ashleycapes says:

    Ace, let’s go with that then! I’ve posted a slight revision of Valeria’s verse too – and will confirm with her to see if it’s ok, as I agree, it needs the syllables.

    Great work team! Thanks for hanging on so long, we sneak in before the dragon!

    year of the rabbit

    year of the rabbit –
    a fir branch sways
    its snowy tail
    (v)

    vanilla permeates
    the icy night
    (b)

    strange shadows
    gird the pond
    fly home! fly home!
    (j)

    moving towards me
    your closed eyes
    (g)

    one woman’s kiss
    and two subway changes
    his lips still parted
    (j)

    in the moonlight the grapes
    for a vintage year
    (c)

    shouting directions
    the wind
    batters an old sign
    (a)

    the streets of Pompeii
    forever empty (prov)
    (v)

    lightning
    sky to sea
    and back again
    (g)

    inconsiderate rhythms –
    the roof-tiler at dawn
    (a)

    outside her workshop
    peach fragrance fires
    up hayfever
    (b)

    harlequin beetles
    brighten the carnival
    (c)

  133. John Carley says:

    Great read – moves well at all levels music/semantics in balance. This seems to do everything a Junicho can do. Nice one. J

  134. Claire says:

    Reading Ashley again back to August 12th, I would be interested to read two (or more…) Junicho beginning with the same hokku, to see where it could lead with some other participants.
    Anyway, I like how this one unrolls, how the climax(es) lead us to spring.

    • ashleycapes says:

      Me too, it’s nice to come back to Spring for an ending!
      And I agree, Claire – that would be a most excellent experiment. With the same participants, of with new writers, who haven’t seen this renku?

  135. Joseph says:

    Happy Holidays, All!

  136. If I would, I’d be better to get in line. A few folks have waited for some time it appears.

    Best not – a few pans on the fire, but thanks anyway.

  137. Claire says:

    2012, Greetings to all of you for a better year…
    Other participants would probably enjoy taking part in the last year winter Junicho, except the hokku wouldn’t suit anymore…

  138. barbara says:

    g’day Ashley

    If this junicho is finished, then perhaps you can move it to “Finished Renku”
    and it would be great if you submitted it somewhere as seems to have been done with others formulated here. After such a long birthing period, it would be most gratifying to see it published. Please keep us informed.Thanks.

    peace and love
    B

  139. Joseph Mueller says:

    I think that is a wonderful idea. And let me know about any other planned writing, Ash!

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