Drafts & Discussions (John’s ‘Speed Junicho’ Two)

Hi everybody, thanks for the rapid and wonderfully varied responses. I’m not entirely sure how to best facilitate this with so much quality input on offer. For the moment I’d like to suggest we go with two strands. Both of which remain open to all who would wished to submit candidates. At some stage later, assuming both run, it might be best to break up into teams. For the moment though I’d like to propose the following twin track approach.

………………

Strand Two:

first cool day –
the blackbird & I
sing, sing, sing

sandra

This autumn verse asks for an autumn wakiku. We *could* consider ‘moon’ here but that is not a requirement.

Best wishes, John

232 Responses to Drafts & Discussions (John’s ‘Speed Junicho’ Two)

  1. ashleycapes says:

    [from Bat]

    g’day all

    sorry I meant to say congratulations to Lorin and G last time.

    Congratulations Sandra for this one!

    Herewith some offers for Strand Two:

    first cool day –
    the blackbird & I
    sing, sing, sing /sandra

    scarlet fungi clings
    to the moss-covered log

    or

    first cool day –
    the blackbird & I
    sing, sing, sing /sandra

    thanksgiving, the preacher stands
    on a giant pumpkin

    or

    first cool day –
    the blackbird & I
    sing, sing, sing /sandra

    a muddied track leads
    to the old woodpile

    Peace and Love

  2. ashleycapes says:

    Ok, and a couple from me on strand 2!

    first cool day –
    the blackbird & I
    sing, sing, sing/s

    now the fruit bowl
    is full of pears

    short afternoon
    the half-stroke moon is early

  3. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Found it! – thought I was going very strange when I was just about to say to Barbara I liked her ‘scarlet fungi’ and ‘a muddied track’ and they’d disappeared. But here they are. Thanks for the congrats Barbara.

    And I very much like your ‘half-stroke moon’ Ashley.

  4. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Congratulations Sandra,

    and one from me:

    first cool day
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (Sandra)

    spilling from a window
    the notes of a nocturne

  5. Genevieve Osborne says:

    first cool day
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (Sandra)

    mowing the meadow with scythes
    just for the love of it

    or

    cutting the meadow with scythes
    just for the love of it

  6. Rhonda Poholke says:

    Hi all – lovely one Sandra – here’s for a try –

    I don’t know if I need the comma in the last ku

    all the butterflies –
    where have they gone?

    crunching through leaves
    – my crutches

    boys with their bikes
    and football beanies, again

  7. Rhonda Poholke says:

    Hi Ashley – you’ll notice I was able to get through to the Junicho 2 – I don’t know whats going on with the kasen page – Rho

  8. lorin says:

    Nice one, Sandra!

    first cool day
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (Sandra)

    the hills are alive
    with grape harvesters!

    a bumper harvest
    at the vineyard

    wind in the reeds
    brings other voices

    loin

  9. lorin says:

    our palates cleansed
    by grapes

    lorin

  10. lorin says:

    we clean our palates
    with grapes

    lorin

  11. kala says:

    Strand Two:

    first cool day –
    the blackbird & I
    sing, sing, sing

    sandra

    as we walk the moon
    up a hill path / _k

  12. John Carley says:

    first cool day
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (Sandra)

    spilling from a window
    au claire de lune (Genevieve)

    Hi Genevieve, the nocturne is a beautiful, but what do you think of a moon verse? Of course the majority our audience will not get that ‘first cool day’ is an autumn kigo, likewise ‘moonlight’. But I wonder if the link between ‘blackbird’ and ‘french folk tune’ might not be directly available to them.

    If this is acceptable we can go to verse three – a non season verse open to all.

    Best wishes, John

  13. lorin says:

    first cool day
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (Sandra)

    the hills are alive
    with berry pickers

    lorin

  14. Mysha says:

    Hi,

    first cool day –
    the blackbird & I
    sing, sing, sing (sandra)

    walking back from the harvest
    voices join in the twilight

    returning from the harvest
    an old song in the moonlight

  15. lorin says:

    whoops! Apologies for my previous post… I scrolled straight down and posted my revision on first getting up this morning and didn’t see John’s comments and Genevieve’s ku.

    That said, though I’ve heard of the music ‘claire de lune’, I was unaware of any connection with blackbirds.

    Beyond that (I must be honest) using a foreign language (apart from common names for eg wine varieties and generally known and used greetings (eg chiao, arrivederci) can seem…well, snobby, pompous & ‘academic’ in the context of English-language poetry intended for an English-language readership.

    It’s not just ‘claire de lune’, it’s that ‘au’, as well.

    We don’t even say ‘cafe au lait’ in Melbourne (where GDS is edited and published) but ‘flat white’. (;-)…a local term, probably, that might not catch on in the Southern states of the USA, for instance)

    lorin

  16. lorin says:

    …of course, I was forgetting, John, that you live just across the water from France! As close as Tasmania is to the mainland here, probably. So it wouldn’t seem very ‘foreign’.

    lorin

  17. G’day all, Bonjour Lorin!

    GDS has an international readership, the use of foreign lingo is quite apt in renku, (French, Maori, Japanese, Aussie Eng, American English, local patois, etc etc. ) We aussies are an educated mob;)

    I do like Genevieve’s verse. I used to play this on the piano
    and sing the words. I wondered though that the verse might be moon but doesn’t really matter does it? The link is the music of song. And the window opens to further exploration…..

    If we are going with G’s verse, then herewith are my following offers:

    spilling from a window
    au claire de lune (G)

    slapping my fingers
    the piano teacher
    frowns

    a silver mansion slides
    slips into
    silvery sands

    hestitant, but
    grasp this opportunity
    to grow

    Peace and Love

    • lorin says:

      Perhaps you’re right, Barbara, and my misgivings are out-dated.

      Obviously, too, I’ve picked up the wrong idea somewhere that foreign words are more appropriate to the middle (ha) section of renku.

      But ‘we Aussies’? I thought you’d claimed to be Irish? Your voice *sounds* Irish.

      lorin

  18. lorin says:

    ok, some offers for the daisan to follow Genevieve’s wakiku, should there be no problems with ‘foreign words’ :

    first cool day
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (Sandra)

    spilling from a window
    au claire de lune (Genevieve)

    the bride robber
    in his red Toyota
    right on time

    almost fluorescent
    on the subway station
    his white cane

    at the subway station
    echoes
    of his white cane

    come tea time
    a white flag waves
    from the tree house

    or maybe

    come tea time
    a bandana waves
    from the tree house

    lorin

  19. lorin says:

    I’m wondering what’s happened to Willie? I have a feeling his internet connection might’ve failed.

    lorin

  20. ashleycapes says:

    [From _kala]

    first cool day –
    the blackbird & I
    sing, sing, sing

    sandra

    as we walk the moon
    up a hill path /_k

    [From Willie]

    first cool day –
    the blackbird & I
    sing, sing, sing

    sandra

    caught in the rain,
    we’re soaked to the bone

  21. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Hi John,

    Your “au clair de lune” is fine with me.

    Best wishes,
    Genevieve.

  22. Mysha says:

    Oh deary, this is going fast. Take half an hour to post, and find out John has already picked verse.

    OK, provided Genevieve approves:

    first cool day
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (Sandra)

    spilling from a window
    au claire de lune (Genevieve)

    busy take-away
    China drifts into the street
    with each new client

    the evening market
    customers navigating
    by the smells of food

    Mysha

    It’s just that I thought “Au clair the lune” was a film, while “Au clair de la lune” was a song.

    Speaking of film: Did anyone see the Graduate?
    the bride robber in
    his red Alfa Romeo
    too late, but she comes

    Lorin’s version speaks more, though.

  23. Mysha says:

    Aarg, take ten minutes to post and Genevieve post her approval. This is getting to be, here one moment, gone the next kind of stuff:

    a beat box on wheels
    blasts away the neigbourhood
    and leaves it silent

  24. John Carley says:

    first cool day
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (Sandra)

    spilling from a window
    au claire de lune (Genevieve)

    evening market,
    people navigate
    by the scent of food (mysha – prov)

    Hi everybody, thank God – my wife has just turned up with her laptop so I don’t have to try and use the antedeluvian hosptial network.

    But still short of time so please excuse the brusqueness.

    Foriegn words are one of the things traditonally disbarred from the opening movement (jo) of a multi movement poem. The Junicho is deliberately a ‘single sheet’ poem. Another feature of the Junicho is that wakiku is much less closely tied to hokku than in other forms. I think this is a feature of both of our strands.

    Having said which – au claire de lune whilst originally a folk song (innocent singing is very much described as ‘like a blackbird’ in French. It is also a piano piece – paced low and reflective. So I think our intellectuals should either get the link directly, or imagine that they should (which is better!).

    The suggested ammendment Mysha are all to bring the syllable count and cadence down to the range that we’ve been tending to use for our poems here. This is a big topic, and one I hope to address in another place in the not too distant future. But don’t have time/space now – other than to say that if you read the Triparshva that is still on site I think the overall approach is fairly clear. And sorry for not having the opportunity to respond to your earlier invitation to write a ‘strict form’ renku. You might find the work of the Yuki Teikei Haiku Society interesting. Anway, I hope you can go with the suggestions because this is a great verse.

    Should Mysha confirm folks we will stay open to everyone and go on to a second non-season verse. Just about all topics are open. At some stage we might consider something directly unpleasant. Hmmn – not too though – don’t want to scare the horses.

    Best wishes, John

  25. Mysha says:

    Hi,
    I’m really going to learn this style of verses, somehow. I’m just trying to ease into it. Simply point me where I’m supposed to go. To me, though, the “gate” and “by” clash in the cadence. So, would this be OK:

    evening market,
    people navigate
    by scents of food

    Navigating “by the scent of food” would seem a bit like a bee line to me. But I had “smells” because I was looking for an omni-precense. And the cadence still seems imperfect. Hm …

    evening market,
    people navigating
    scents of food

    ? Yes, this one. Will this fit?

    (Ah, found it: It’s the Mondscheinsonate, right?)

    • Sandra says:

      Esoteric grammar aside :), I don’t see how “navigate” and by “clash”?

      John’s version, I would humbly suggest, is superior, partly because it doesn’t cut out the all-important article and so has a less choppy rhythm.

      It seems to me, too, that your second and preferred option, subtly changes the meaning of the word “navigate” to mean something like “making their way through the shoals”, rather than “finding their way by the stars”.

      John’s version of your verse has something homely and comforting about it; your preferrred option a whiff of discord, which the words belie.

      “People” is such a general word that it is necessary to bring it back to a particular to have a successful poem – big picture (market & people) then zoom in to a detail:
      “navigating by the scent of food” (“scent” and “food” are able to be read as plurals, but without the generalising “s” , & we can all put our own favourite scent into the poem).

    • lorin says:

      If you mean Beethoven’s ‘Moonlight Sonata’, Mysha ( I don’t speak or read German, so I’m just guessing) then, no..’it’ (if you mean ‘claire de lune’) is Debussy’s:

      I don’t understand what you might mean by ‘gate’ and ‘by’ clashing.

      Personally, I find your ‘people navigating scents of food’ unnecessarily complex in a way that would detract from the flow of the renku. I’d go for:

      evening market,
      people navigate
      by the scent of food

      lorin

      • Mysha says:

        Hi Lorin,
        Yes, you guessed right. “Mondschein” translates to “Moonshine”. However, if it’s Debussy’s Claire de lune, which I didn’t know (thanks), but which fits the situation perfectly, is that also known as “Au claire de lune”? Or is this a mix up with “Au claire de la lune”?

        (It’s not that I don’t understand the concept of music flowing from a window; I’m just trying to make certain we have the right words here.)

        Mysha

  26. lorin says:

    evening market,
    people navigate
    by the scent of food (mysha – prov)

    crocodiles, too
    watch the wrecked Endeavour

    lorin

  27. g’day all

    evening market,
    people navigate
    by the scent of food (mysha – prov)

    my GPS takes me
    in the wrong direction

    or

    only the “green” beans
    have more flavour

    at the crossroads
    the same sign in both directions

    welcome bangers and mash
    at the end of the trail

    now for a true taste
    of what things could be

    Peace and Love

  28. lorin says:

    evening market,
    people navigate
    by the scent of food (mysha – prov)

    in a Kabul prison cell
    not one bucket

    lorin

  29. Sandra says:

    spilling from a window
    au claire de lune/G

    evening market,
    people navigate
    by the scent of food/M (prov)

    in broken English
    St Mark and the pork

    handshakes and
    mint tea in glasses

    patting his pockets
    one last time

  30. Rhonda Poholke says:

    half way up the hillside
    goats in his corn

    ants hurry their line
    for my breakfast

  31. lorin says:

    evening market,
    people navigate
    by the scent of food (mysha – prov)

    bundles of spinifex
    to cover our tracks

    lorin

  32. John Carley says:

    first cool day –
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing

    spilling from a window
    Au Claire de Lune

    evening market,
    people navigating
    the scent of food

    Thanks Mysha, your point about generality is well made. So I have dropped ‘by’ and re-instituted the present participle ‘navigating’- great word! Ok team, we have a definitive text. More on 4 pls.

    Best wishes, John

  33. Sandra says:

    Hmm, sorry to question your decision John … but here goes anyway 🙂

    For me:

    “navigating by” has a sense of homecoming, people being drawn towards the smells of food, perhaps all choosing different scents, and feeling the comfort of being fed.

    (and “navigating by” is, I agree, a better option than “navigate by”)

    “Navigating” on its own has a sense of people *avoiding* the stalls/cafes, etc, and is a much colder picture. They have no time to stop and eat.

    Thanks.

  34. Mysha says:

    Hi,

    I had to sleep on this as I couldn’t make out what caused the difference in interpretation. I now think it might be the kind of evening markets we’re used to.

    “Navigate by” – using things at a distance to find your way – would be like starting on one side of the market, and following the scent of food until you found one of the food stalls.

    But the kind of market I meant is filled with food. Think of it as “navigating” – finding your way through – the smell of burritos, turn at the fried bananas, pass through ripe melons, to arrive at the honey waffles. (-: You go through all of them, experience, and maybe sample, them all. There’s no danger involved, though, except maybe that of growing sideways. (-:

    John”s definitive version turns it into one big sea of scent being experienced; that might be even better.

    Mysha

    • ashleycapes says:

      trying to get in before I am swamped by the weekend…a bit sleepy at the moment..a version of the 2nd was passed over in another renku

      was that ‘no season/love,’ John?

      spilling from a window
      Au Claire de Lune

      evening market,
      people navigating
      the scent of food

      the tide is too slow
      I watch for your colours

      I’m surprised
      in the park
      kids still fly kites

  35. John Carley says:

    first cool day –
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (s)

    spilling from a window
    Au Claire de Lune (g)

    evening market,
    navigating
    by the scent of food (m)

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    Hi all, I’m not generally drawn to word links – but there’s a tension in Ashley’s verse that I find almost sinister – a radical evolution of emphasis is effectively mediated by an ‘obvious’ link. All that stuff you read.

    The experiment with dropping the verb Ashley is princiapally that the resultant parataxis ups the ‘anxiety’ levels. But also to preserve balance and flow from the draft of Mysha’s market examining the proposition that maybe the word ‘people’ is redundant to the extent that it pushes the cadence out of kilter. Dunno. But Mysha’s further clarification, and Sandra’s welcome query suggest to m that the earlier text was not optimal. Thank you both. I’ll be infallible next year!

    How does this come off the page? The semantic movement is great. Have we got the read right now?

    Best wishes, John

    • lorin says:

      Yes, it reads superbly…losing the overt ‘people’ from Mysha’s verse did the trick. I do like Ashley’s mysterious verse: it’s so open to several scenarios/ interpretations.

      lorin

    • ashleycapes says:

      Outstanding! Thanks, John 🙂
      I’m really happy without the ‘is’ reads much smoother and I think that by ‘dropping’ people it does come together for Mysha’s, which is a fantastic verse!

      And thanks, Lorin & Sandra too!

  36. John Carley says:

    Ooops – the bit I was going to put in above, and only half cut was about word links (kotobazuke) – all that stuff you read about Basho and scent linking (nioizuke) would lead one to imagine that all Basho school Kasen only used nioizuke. In fact this is not true. There is a mixture of linking techniques. To be fair it is true that Basho’s approach went against regarding a simple word link as adequate. Often it is the ‘way in’ to a verse that is otherwise quite complex. There are also really strong arguments in favour of a kind of layered linkage which alows different readers to access different strands. One last thought – good renku doesn’t feature uniform styles of linkage, nor are they of uniform ‘tightness’ (search terms for these latter are ‘shinku’ and ‘soku’).

    Best wishes, John (back on a real laptop with a real keyboard!).

  37. lorin says:

    evening market,
    navigating
    by the scent of food (m)

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    in the ultrasound image
    such tiny fists

    lorin

  38. lorin says:

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    in the ultrasound image
    her tiny fist

    lorin

  39. lorin says:

    whoops …3 lines:

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    clenched tight
    in the ultrasound image
    her tiny fist

    lorin

  40. Genevieve Osborne says:

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (Ashley)

    a hush falls on the crowd
    as the jousting
    begins

  41. g’day all

    good one ashley!

    a year on,
    the buntings still there
    but ragged

    peace and love

  42. two more offers:

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (Ashley)

    unnerving
    a violet eye winks
    in the lens

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (Ashley)

    not again…
    everyone’s looking
    for Joseph

    Peasce and Love

  43. Genevieve Osborne says:

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (Ashley)

    that taffeta dress
    turning your eyes
    an even deeper blue

    please, wear the taffeta dress
    it turns your eyes
    an even deeper green

  44. Genevieve Osborne says:

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (Ashley)

    he hides the bottle
    in the tool shed – now
    we know he dyes his hair

    or

    now we know he dyes
    his hair – he hides the bottle
    in the tool shed

  45. Rhonda Poholke says:

    lovely Ashley –

    groovy granny
    rocking
    the Paris night away

    breathing into the wind –
    all the city’s flags
    flying

    in the empty cathedral
    a grain of sand
    echoes

  46. lorin says:

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    that heifer
    in the role of Isolde
    fudges the note

    lorin – catwoman 🙂

  47. Sandra says:

    evening market,
    navigating
    by the scent of food (m)

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    between tour groups
    painting
    the shadows

    the mason’s
    lotus
    still in flower

    each water-lily
    opening
    to the patter of rain

  48. Sandra says:

    click of the abacus,
    red bead, green bead
    and a wreath of smoke

    slowly discerning
    the pattern
    in the afghani carpet

  49. Sandra says:

    oh, oh and

    pointing
    my red toenails
    east

    night-night all

  50. lorin says:

    why won’t this thing let me post???

    lorin

  51. lorin says:

    ok…that went through, trying again

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    just can’t keep
    up with a lover
    with ADHD

  52. lorin says:

    whew!

    lorin

  53. ashleycapes says:

    [from Genevieve]

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a

    this morning it all looks
    less than lovely –
    tired and tawdry

    or

    this morning it all looks
    less than lovely –
    tawdry

  54. Mysha says:

    Hi,

    Nice verse. Maybe not what I would write, with all persons fading into the background, but still. Maybe it should be attributed to John as well. (Of course, to me this worsens the cadence, but I am going to find out.)

    evening market,
    navigating
    by the scent of food ()

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    dutiful pupil
    who paints in the greenery
    left by his master
    /
    dutiful pupil
    painting in greenery
    left by his master

    Mysha

  55. John Carley says:

    first cool day –
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (s)

    spilling from a window
    Au Claire de Lune (g)

    evening market,
    navigating
    by the scent of food (m)

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    ——–

    Resident Evil –
    nobody gets past
    level one

    year on year
    the Palio and yet
    no woman’s favour

    il santo graal,
    another can of
    partially cool beer

  56. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Hi John,

    Are we commenting on these? If so, I like the Palio.

    Regards G.

  57. Sandra says:

    I like Barbara’s

    unnerving
    a violet eye winks
    in the lens

    with its nod to Elizabeth Taylor.

  58. g’day Sandra

    Thanks for comment. I was thinking of photographing a bower bird!

    peace and love

    • Sandra says:

      Funny, huh?

      It made me think of how gorgeous Eliz. was in her heyday – famous for her violet eyes before she was famous for her umpteen husbands. I can imagine her giving the lens a saucy wink!

  59. colin stewart jones says:

    first cool day –
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (s)

    spilling from a window
    Au Claire de Lune (g)

    evening market,
    navigating
    by the scent of food (m)

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    _________________

    the beach ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s sombrero

    she laughs
    as I try to put up
    a deck chair

    col

  60. colin stewart jones says:

    Alan Summers has joined the Notes from the Gean
    team as renga/renku editor

    please welcome him by filling his in box with submissions

    GeanRenga@withwords.org.uk

    details will be avaible soon on the gean site

    http://www.geantree.com

    cheers me ol shipmates

    col

  61. John Carley says:

    first cool day –
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (s)

    spilling from a window
    Au Claire de Lune (g)

    evening market,
    navigating
    by the scent of food (m)

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    a beach ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s hat (c – prov)

    Well done Colin – that is one of the funniest pieces of deflation I’ve come across for ages. Mice and men eh! We are duly cut down to size. This verse makes in interesting contrast to the way, in the other strand, _kala causes the ‘renku wave’ as Eiko Yachimoto puts it to ‘break’.

    I’m suggesting the indefinite article initially as an alternative to starting two verses in a row with the definite, but in place it seems to function well as strengthening the suggestion that the ‘I’ of Ashley’s verse is the fall guy portrayed in your verse. ‘Hat’ for ‘sombrero’ purely in terms of keeping the overall cadence in balance.

    What I do a lot is read from verse one aloud – often running a timed pulse and counter point either with my fingers or in my head (I’ve played percussion for 40 years). Anyone who is interested in this stuff – about proportional cadences in English – can download any number of freeward sound recorders to run on the pc. What these do is allow you to record a piece and then analyse the real time amplitude peaks and troughs. It’s very revealing. Check out Gilbert and Yoneoka here http://www.iyume.com/metrics/total2.html

    Ah Mysha, your verses of reproof are both well written and well merited. You’ve helped me decide what I need to tackle next in a kind of ‘formal’ way on the Renku Reckoner site, not least beacuse my own response to working with a sabaki was one of absolute outrage. Here I would simply observe that all amendments etc are to do with phrasing, and that the semantic content is unaltered. By contrast Genevieve’s wakiku arguably underwent a greater degree of change.

    Let’s go forward team. It is the 7th; in this strand we have five verses, in the other we have six. So we are doing well. I am nominally bracketing #5 here as ‘summer’ – though if anyone wishes to propose a more intense ‘heat’ verse at #6 they are very welcome – specially those people who live in very hot and sometimes arid climates. BTW I’m bracketing wakiku as ‘autumn moon’.

    So, to #6. We stay open to all. We stay ‘competitive’. We are either ‘non season’ or ‘very hot’. Other than the formal topic ‘moon’ just about everything looks open to me.

    Best wishes, John

    • lorin says:

      a beach ride-man
      unable to catch
      his donkey’s hat (c – prov)

      😉 yes, nice! Hilarious in context.

      …um, a proof-reader’s query: isn’t the hyphen misplaced? I’d have it:

      a beach-ride man
      unable to catch
      his donkey’s hat (c

      lorin

  62. John Carley says:

    first cool day –
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (s)

    spilling from a window
    Au Claire de Lune (g)

    evening market,
    navigating
    by the scent of food (m)

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    a beach ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s hat (c – prov)

    ———–

    on pain of death
    the scientists recant

    greed decree agreed
    with head of fed

    Best wishes, John

  63. Sandra says:

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    a beach ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s hat (c – prov)

    sun-burned shoulders
    of the hay-maker,
    his roll-your-own

    on and on
    the combine’s
    dust haze

    I’m away now for a couple of days, look forward to reading progress on Weds.

  64. Willie says:

    first cool day –
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (s)

    spilling from a window
    Au Claire de Lune (g)

    evening market,
    navigating
    by the scent of food (m)

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    a beach ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s hat (c – prov)

    without a shelter
    it rains down tears

  65. lorin says:

    a beach ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s hat (c – prov)

    the long haul
    from bulldust to summer rain

    a long haul through bulldust
    to summer rain

    lorin

    • lorin says:

      a beach ride-man
      unable to catch
      his donkey’s hat (c – prov)

      after the bulldust
      fat drops of summer rain

      lorin

  66. lorin says:

    …sorry, that’s an awfully long url. This one is better and with more pictures:

    http://photobucket.com/images/bulldust/

    lorin

  67. Mysha says:

    Ooh, this sabaki is good at this! I hadn’t even noticed yet what those two verses were about. But what’s in the mind is in the pen (/keyboard). It’s an exaggeration, of course, don’t worry.
    Also, can I join in the praises for Colin’s beach-ride man? I like that one, a lot! Hm, it does seem to ask for:

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    a beach ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s hat (c – prov)

    her hippo boxed in
    by colourful horses

    doesn’t it? (-:

    the shimmering sun,
    on the desert horizon

    Mysha

  68. Rhonda Poholke says:

    Good one Colin – what response will it bring?

    ‘a beach ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s hat’
    (Colin)

    dumps his rider for a peach –
    the policeman’s horse

    or

    the policeman’s horse
    dumps his rider for a peach

    jogging – they all see
    her unmatching shoes

    breathing into the wind –
    he’s been eating beans again

  69. colin stewart jones says:

    thx folks
    i only discovered this renku today
    and thought i put this one in
    to see how it flew ..no pun honest

    i am glad it works

    the prov is fine with me john
    i like hat

    btw lorin the hyphe could goas u have stated

    beach-ride man

    but maybe

    beach ride-man makes it even more ridiculous
    i will let john decide
    i am happy either way

    thx agian

    col

  70. Genevieve Osborne says:

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    a beach ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s hat (c-prov)

    he’s frying an egg
    on the bonnet of his truck

    her stiletto heels –
    stuck in the bitumen

  71. Genevieve Osborne says:

    a beach ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s hat (c)

    all around us, the plain
    bucking in the heat

    the heat haze
    wobbling the hills

  72. g’day all

    some offers:

    a beach ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s hat

    even the cold water tap
    runs burning hot

    or

    ouch! Ouch! OUCH!
    hopping to the water’s edge

    or

    a plastic bag
    at the end of the line

    or

    a mid-summer night’s dream
    becomes a steamy nightmare

    Peace and Love

  73. John Carley says:

    first cool day –
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (s)

    spilling from a window
    Au Claire de Lune (g)

    evening market,
    navigating
    by the scent of food (m)

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    a beach-ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s hat (c)

    after the bulldust
    fat drops of summer rain (l)

    Well, I was wondering how we’d recover some dignity and this verse does it in a breath – it worked for me even before I realised the further meanings of the expression ‘bull dust’.

    Onwards. We are done with ‘summer’. I think it best not to have a subversive verse next. And we go to non-season.

    Best wishes, John

    • lorin says:

      🙂 thank you , John. Great to get a real Australian word in the renku!

      Dignity. . .well, it could’ve been ‘after all the bulldust’ 😉

      lorin

  74. Mysha says:

    trickling brooks
    flowing together
    feeding the river

    Mysha

  75. kala says:

    V nice verse Lorin!

    1. the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    a beach-ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s hat (c)

    after the bulldust
    fat drops of summer rain (l)

    digging for diamonds
    a mud colour this deep
    from blood shed

  76. g’day all

    Nice one, Lorin! My offer:

    after the bulldust
    fat drops of summer rain (l)

    before going to bed
    a toddy for granpa
    granma and me

    Peace and Love

  77. g’day again,

    another offer:

    after the bulldust
    fat drops of summer rain (l)

    invading black ants
    circle the floor
    of the outside shower

    Peace and Love

  78. after the bulldust
    fat drops of summer rain (l)

    a brand new woman
    transformed by
    Oprah’s diet

    pandl

  79. Genevieve Osborne says:

    after the bulldust
    fat drops of summer rain (l)

    the rivers run,
    now the birds come
    to cover the dead heart

    now the birds come
    to cover
    the dead heart

  80. Willie says:

    Genevieve,

    I sure like ‘the birds’!
    My obsessive bent persuades me to suggest this format:

    now the birds
    come to cover
    the dead heart

    Cheers!

  81. Willie says:

    1. the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    a beach-ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s hat (c)

    after the bulldust
    fat drops of summer rain (l)

    the phone
    has a different ring
    when collectors call

  82. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Thanks Willie.

  83. Rhonda Poholke says:

    Congratulations Lorin – nothing like that good old Ausie word

    spreading across the world
    panic….
    here come H.G’s Martians

    gathering stones
    a hole
    in her pocket

    the desert rises
    between
    galloping camels

  84. after the bulldust
    fat drops of summer rain (l)

    International Women’s Day
    out from the frying pan
    into the fire

    or

    after the bulldust
    fat drops of summer rain (l)

    when was the last time?
    pure joy trickles
    down my cheeks

    Peace and Love

  85. john carley says:

    hi all – please could some one paste up Barbara’s excellent verse below in regulation style – I’m stuck with gash kit again.

    We *could* go to spring next. But another non-season is probably best. Other than that no steer from me.

    I’ll try to post a candidate or two at foot myself.

    Best wishes, John

    after the bulldust
    fat drops of summer rain

    when was the last time?
    pure joy trickles
    down my cheeks

    ———

    • ashleycapes says:

      (sorry about the delay!) got it now

      first cool day –
      the blackbird and I
      sing, sing, sing (s)

      spilling from a window
      Au Claire de Lune (g)

      evening market,
      navigating
      by the scent of food (m)

      the tide too slow
      I watch for your colours (a)

      a beach-ride-man
      unable to catch
      his donkey’s hat (c)

      after the bulldust
      fat drops of summer rain (l)

      when was the last time?
      pure joy trickles
      down my cheeks (b)

  86. john carley says:

    click and tick and tock
    the detox clock

    the day the wall came down
    without a shot

    shaking as I touch
    my baby daughter

    Best wishes, John

  87. g’day all

    Oh, thanks John, I’m so pleased to be part of this.

    my favourite of yours is:

    shaking as I touch
    my baby daughter

    Not sure If I’m permitted to make offers this time
    but here are some of my immediate thoughts:

    when was the last time?
    pure joy trickles
    down my cheeks

    somewhat kinky
    but fun all the same

    slipping on
    twenty four carats

    water of kindness
    for Sam, the global star

    Peace and Love

    ps Sam is a world famous koala, sadly now departed, rescuedduring the disastrous Victorian bushfires.

  88. kala says:

    shaking as I touch
    my baby daughter

    John,
    this is my favourite of your offers too…

    when was the last time?
    pure joy trickles
    down my cheeks

    V nice verse indeed Barbara
    _kala

  89. John Carley says:

    Hm, help needed here. We can’t go with my ‘shaking’ verse, at least not as drafted, cos I think we get too many first person verses that way. Complete redrafts or simple alternatives needed.

    Best wishes John

  90. colin stewart jones says:

    how about this john

    shaking as he cradles
    his new-born daughter

    col

  91. John Carley says:

    Thanks for the paste up Ashley

    first cool day –
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (s)

    spilling from a window
    Au Claire de Lune (g)

    evening market,
    navigating
    by the scent of food (m)

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    a beach-ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s hat (c)

    after the bulldust
    fat drops of summer rain (l)

    when was the last time?
    pure joy trickles
    down my cheeks (b)

    an upbeat email from
    her favourite son

    an internet cafe
    in old Saigon

    a trace of ectoplasm
    dulls the air

    How about one of these team? J

  92. lorin says:

    These two both seem good, in their different ways:

    an upbeat email from
    her favourite son

    The one above fits with the maeku, completing it.

    My favourite is the one below. 😉 A clear change of setting, and the skeptic’s slant on ‘tears of pure joy’:

    a trace of ectoplasm
    dulls the air

    dims the air

    deadens the air

    lorin

  93. ashleycapes says:

    Hi John, I like this one most (though all seem to fit)

    an internet cafe
    in old Saigon

    just having ‘internet cafe’ placed alongside ‘old Saigon’ is a nice contrast, shot an image right into my head. I also like the way it shifts action into a totally new place.

    Also, as Lorin has pointed out, the ‘ectoplasm’ does the same great shift

  94. g’day John, all

    Because it can take us wherever, I like this one:

    an internet cafe
    in old Saigon

    Peace and Love

  95. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Hi John,

    an internet cafe
    in old Saigon

    is my favourite too. As Ashley said, I like the contrast between the two lines – the speed & up-to-the-minuteness of the first – the slower pace & distance of the second, both in images & sound.

  96. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Your verse is lovely Barbara.

  97. Rhonda Poholke says:

    Hi John – I like

    ‘an internet cafe
    in old Saigon’

    catching
    a handfull of sunlight

    the valley is a buzz
    with honey

    my grandaughter
    cries like her mother

  98. John Carley says:

    thanks every body. we go with:

    an internet cafe
    in old Saigon (j)

    I’ll paste up the full text shortly [still stuck unexpectedly in dry dock]

    we go now to close out:
    winter, non, spring, spring
    or
    spring, spring, non, winter

    a blossom or flower verse will appear anywhere other than with the ‘non’

    so – to winter or spring next. and blossom/flower if wished. please read back when full text is up to feel the whole shape

    best wishes, john

  99. ashleycapes says:

    when was the last time?
    pure joy trickles
    down my cheeks (b)

    an internet cafe
    in old Saigon (j)

    plum blossoms
    swept up
    with the litter

  100. g’day all

    Herewith some offers:

    an internet cafe
    in old Saigon (j)

    damn computer freezes
    in the middle
    of an apology

    an internet cafe
    in old Saigon (j)

    chilly morning…
    a plate of steaming noodles
    from the street vendor

    an internet cafe
    in old Saigon (j)

    bargains galore!
    the latest spring fashions
    on ebay

    an internet cafe
    in old Saigon (j)

    through bamboo blinds
    frangipani scents
    smoothing anxiety

    Peace and Love

  101. Sandra says:

    when was the last time?
    pure joy trickles
    down my cheeks (b)

    an internet cafe
    in old Saigon (j)

    at the airport
    a rumour
    of bamboo flowers

    cup after cup
    of green tea,
    so many lies

  102. Genevieve Osborne says:

    when was the last time?
    pure joy trickles
    down my cheeks (b)

    an internet cafe
    in old Saigon (j)

    making promises
    in a sampan
    on the river

    two promises
    in a sampan
    on the river

  103. Rhonda Poholke says:

    on the back of his neck
    goose bumps
    and a freckle

    street painter
    in sudden rain his lilacs
    run down the drain

    mail from her secret lover
    jasmine blossom
    taps her shoulder

  104. Rhonda Poholke says:

    Hi John – I’m sending one more – if 4 is too many, please do not consider ‘street painter’

    on the pond
    a message
    in a paper boat

  105. john carley says:

    an internet cafe
    in Old Saigon

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a – prov)

    Thats really strong Ashley. In seeking to extend the verse slightly for purely metrical reason it seemed the echoes of human detritus might be appropriate -in the context of disastrous history of the region.

    If this or similar is acceptable to
    Ashley and the wider team we go to our second spring verse, and turn away from bleakness.

    Best wishes, John

  106. ashleycapes says:

    Awesome, John – thank you!

    I like the echo of the troubles you’ve included, and I like that you’ve added more of the human element – I couldn’t get that in. And I like ‘dose’ linking with ‘cafe’ too.

  107. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Hi Ashley & John, lovely verse.

    Not sure if we can have more flowers in this second spring one:

    an internet cafe
    in Old Saigon (j)

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    across warm hills
    the white mist of rice flowers

    she’s working rice flowers
    into bouquets

    hmm, I’m thinking rice flowers in Australia, but perhaps it’s too close to Saigon…

  108. John Carley says:

    first cool day –
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (s)

    spilling from a window
    Au Claire de Lune (g)

    evening market,
    navigating
    by the scent of food (m)

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    a beach-ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s hat (c)

    after the bulldust
    fat drops of summer rain (l)

    when was the last time?
    pure joy trickles
    down my cheeks (b)

    an internet cafe
    in Old Saigon (j)

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    ————-

    Many thanks Ashley. Ok, we go on to spring part the second.

    I really like the bouquet verse Genevieve – nice modulation of mood. But all the conventions are against a second ‘flower’ verse really – the more so as ‘plum’ is such a classic. Put another way – if we had ‘hawthorn’ at verse two for instance then rice flowers here wouldn’t be too much of an issue (though still a ‘mistake’ for purists).

    So let’s go to a different spring motif folks – and move to mood on from petals in the gutter.

    We are making fantastic time here. This is the fastest I’ve ever worked on ‘remote’ composition – helped of course by the fact that many of us sleep whilst the others wake. It is quite revealing.

    Best wishes, John

  109. lorin says:

    Love the plum blossom verse, Ashley and John.

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a – prov)

    a pure white star
    on the foal’s forehead

    on the foal’s forehead
    a centered star

    the hairdresser’s girl
    in a sky blue apron

    lorin

  110. lorin says:

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a )

    the black foal born
    with a pure white star

    lorin

  111. lorin says:

    … or

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a )

    the black foal born
    with a pure white blaze

    lorin

  112. lorin says:

    whoops… can’t repeat ‘pure’!

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a – prov)

    the black foal born
    with a clear white star/ blaze

    the black foal born
    with a soft white star/ blaze

    lorin

  113. Genevieve Osborne says:

    thanks John, thinking again …

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    to the ball – green silk
    from her shoulders to the floor

  114. Genevieve Osborne says:

    oh, too many ‘to the’ –

    spring ball – green silk
    from her shoulders to the floor

  115. Sandra says:

    This has been going on nicely while I’ve been away – I was looking forward to seeing the new directions, and haven’t been disappointed.

    an internet cafe
    in Old Saigon (j)

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    out on the hillside
    a little bleating

    out on the hillside
    ewes calling their lambs

    oak leaves on his lapel
    he goes a-courting

  116. g’day all

    Thanks Genevieve for your comment on my verse.

    Congrats Ashley. Lovely verse.

    herewith some offers:

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    she swallows the pill
    that keeps her tranquil

    perhaps the above is “bleakness” ?

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    warm breezes flow
    through burgeoning trees

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    five fluffy kittens
    at play in lush grass

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    between pink petals
    my lost gold ring

    ~~~

    Peace and Love

  117. Genevieve Osborne says:

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    paper lanterns glow –
    the first warm evening

    he takes her hand –
    the first warm evening

    • Sandra says:

      Hi Gen,

      I’m guessing that as the hokku is:

      “first cool day”

      so “first warm evening” may be too close. The paper lanterns are a lovely image.

  118. Genevieve Osborne says:

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    strung between the trees
    hearts and paper lanterns

  119. Genevieve Osborne says:

    so – changing ‘first warm’ and ‘evening’:

    in the warm darkness
    paper lanterns glow

    doors open to the garden
    paper lanterns glow

    paper lanterns glow
    he takes her hand

  120. g’day all

    revision:

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    found, between petals
    my lost sapphire

    peace and love

  121. Genevieve Osborne says:

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    this spring light –
    it makes things clearer

  122. Genevieve Osborne says:

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    the spring light –
    shaping her face

  123. Genevieve Osborne says:

    the spring dusk
    highlighting her face

  124. Genevieve Osborne says:

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    this spring morning –
    setting her face aglow

  125. colin stewart jones says:

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    ________________

    an old wine drinker
    points to Ursa Major

    a hare’s ears twitching
    halfway across the field

    col

  126. kala says:

    Ashley.

    I love your verse.

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a – prov

    soul touching spring
    birds in crisscross flight

    **

    spring returns
    the raindrop to the sea

    spring returns
    to whispering bamboo

  127. Genevieve Osborne says:

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    this spring morning –
    setting your face aglow

  128. John Carley says:

    first cool day –
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (s)

    spilling from a window
    Au Claire de Lune (g)

    evening market,
    navigating
    by the scent of food (m)

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    a beach-ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s hat (c)

    after the bulldust
    fat drops of summer rain (l)

    when was the last time?
    pure joy trickles
    down my cheeks (b)

    an internet cafe
    in Old Saigon (j)

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

  129. John Carley says:

    first cool day –
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (s)

    spilling from a window
    Au Claire de Lune (g)

    evening market,
    navigating
    by the scent of food (m)

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    a beach-ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s hat (c)

    after the bulldust
    fat drops of summer rain (l)

    when was the last time?
    pure joy trickles
    down my cheeks (b)

    an internet cafe
    in Old Saigon (j)

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    this spring morning –
    setting your face aglow (g)

    Hi team, this is lovely. All of it. Technically we should not directly name two seasons. But I’m not really fussed. We *could* go with something like

    this sweet morning –
    setting your face aglow

    But such choices don’t stop us moving on. We are on to our last non-season verse. Please read back and see what we might introduce. Not that novelty at all cost is a driver here.

    Best wishes, John

  130. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Thank you John, that’s wonderful.

    Not quite sure about ‘sweet’ at the moment, but will let it all keep percolating. I tried ‘bright’ or ‘warm’ but no good – her face glows for a different reason. ‘Spring’ says so much more … but perhaps something will come.

    Thank you,
    All best wishes,
    Genevieve.

  131. lorin says:

    Congratulations, Genevieve

    this spring morning –
    setting your face aglow (g)

    in the ultrasound image
    all ten of his
    tiny fingers

    his tiny fist
    in the ultrasound image
    opening

    lorin

    …thought I’d resubmit this reworked one from earlier on, as it seems a possibility.

  132. Sandra says:

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    this spring morning –
    setting your face aglow (g)

    checking his watch
    again, the father
    of the bride

    down the aisle
    she pauses
    to hug her father

    the groom’s uncle
    tells the bride’s uncle
    how it can be fixed

  133. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Thanks lorin.

  134. g’day all

    Congratulations Genevieve…I love that verse!

    this spring morning –
    setting your face aglow (g)

    her laugh lines
    the only reminder
    of a spirited youth

    ~~

    this spring morning –
    setting your face aglow (g)

    it must be
    the green fairy
    absorbed in absinthe

    ~~

    this spring morning –
    setting your face aglow (g)

    my gratitude to
    the Plymouth Rock
    for fresh eggs

    ~~~

    this spring morning –
    setting your face aglow (g)

    cracked wedgewood plates
    piled high
    with spicy pilaf

    ~~~

    Peace and Love

  135. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Thanks very much Barbara!

    I like your ‘fresh eggs’ and ‘cracked wedgewood plates’.

  136. Sandra says:

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    this spring morning –
    setting your face aglow (g)

    lighting a candle
    and saying
    your name again

  137. lorin says:

    this spring morning –
    setting your face aglow (g)

    rain steam and speed – (in italics)
    Turner turns them all
    into light

    in Vermeer’s ‘The Letter’
    that housemaid has
    one up on her mistress

    lorin

  138. lorin says:

    this spring morning –
    setting your face aglow (g)

    rain steam and speed (in italics)
    Turner transforms them
    into light

    rain steam and speed (in italics)
    Turner changes them all
    into light

    lorin

  139. lorin says:

    whoops…can’t have ‘rain’!

    this spring morning –
    setting your face aglow (g)

    Keelmen Heaving in Coals. . . ( in italics)
    Turner transforms them all
    into light

    http://www.j-m-w-turner.co.uk/turner-keelmen.htm

    lorin

  140. kala says:

    this spring morning –
    setting your face aglow (g)

    the song in the air
    takes a turn
    with the breeze

    _kala

  141. Sandra says:

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    this spring morning –
    setting your face aglow (g)

    from the pick ‘n mix
    licorice rolled
    in hundreds & thousands

  142. lorin says:

    this spring morning –
    setting your face aglow (g)

    rainbow lorikeets
    flush out the twitcher
    in our coffee clutch

    lorin

  143. John Carley says:

    first cool day –
    the blackbird and I
    sing, sing, sing (s)

    spilling from a window
    Au Claire de Lune (g)

    evening market,
    navigating
    by the scent of food (m)

    the tide too slow
    I watch for your colours (a)

    a beach-ride-man
    unable to catch
    his donkey’s hat (c)

    after the bulldust
    fat drops of summer rain (l)

    when was the last time?
    pure joy trickles
    down my cheeks (b)

    an internet cafe
    in Old Saigon (j)

    swept up with the
    daily dose of litter
    plum blossoms (a)

    this spring morning –
    setting your face aglow (g)

    her laugh lines
    [the only reminder]
    of a spirited youth (b – prov)

    Arrgh – run out of time! This is the one Barbara. Can we recast the middle line so that the tenor is more upbeat towards the protagonist – ‘her laugh lines a testament to a spirited youth’ – that kind of thing.

    Sorry folks – my laptop is about to get thrown off the ward!

    Team. We are effectively at ageku. I’m going to give everyone more time to think of candidates cos I think some people in some time zones are getting cut out by the turnaround speed.

    This is open to everyone. It will be ‘winter.’

    Best wishes, John

  144. lorin says:

    duh…birds!

    …probably not, considering that the hokku has a blackbird.

  145. lorin says:

    her laugh lines
    [the only reminder]
    of a spirited youth (b – prov)

    cups of cocoa
    raised in salutation

    lorin

  146. lorin says:

    her laugh lines
    [the only reminder]
    of a spirited youth (b – prov)

    here’s cheers to hot cocoa
    and the sunrise

    here’s cheers to the sunrise
    and hot cocoa

    here’s cheers to the good years
    and hot cocoa

    lorin

  147. lorin says:

    her laugh lines
    [the only reminder]
    of a spirited youth (b – prov)

    here’s cheers to hot cocoa
    and the foxtrot

    lorin

  148. g’day all

    Thanks, Lorin.

    Will this revision of my verse suffice? Maybe “true symbals”? Help.

    Not sure if I’m allowed to submit again but here are my thoughts:

    her laugh lines
    the true testament
    to a spirited youth /b

    melting snowflakes
    on the barbie

    her laugh lines
    the true testament
    to a spirited youth /b

    cold days, my friend
    we thought they’d never end…

    (Do you remember this song? We started this off with a song…)

    her laugh lines
    the true testament
    to a spirited youth /b

    clarity comes
    in cool clear nights

    her laugh lines
    the true testament
    to a spirited youth /b

    all wrapped up
    she takes more players on

    ~~~

    This has been such an exciting, speedy adventure, and a good learning curve. John, Ashley et al, thanks everyone
    for the ride.

    Peace and Love

    ~~~

  149. g’day all

    spelling error before…

    her laugh lines
    the true symbols
    to a spirited youth /b

    her laugh lines
    symbolize
    a spirited youth/b

    Thanks.
    Peace and Love

  150. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Congratulations Barbara.

    her laugh lines
    the true testament
    to a spirited youth (b/prov)

    it’s Dino’s refrain again –
    but baby it’s cold outside

  151. kala says:

    Good morning all!

    You are on a roll Barbara,
    I particularly love :

    cold days, my friend
    we thought they’d never end…

    my daughter use to sing this song in school . . .

    her laugh lines
    [the only reminder]
    of a spirited youth (b)

    the little one on ice skates
    a chip of the old block!

    swaying to the breeze
    the length of turmeric fields

    *
    turmeric fields is an Indian season word for winter.
    we get fresh turmeric by mid Jan.

    turmeric is applied on the face to keep away wrinkles, just for information!
    _kala

  152. lorin says:

    her laugh lines
    the true testament
    to a spirited youth (b/prov

    ‘up there Cazaly’
    the MCG roars

    lorin

  153. colin stewart jones says:

    what was it mum
    put in her mulled wine?

    col

  154. Sandra says:

    this spring morning –
    setting your face aglow (g)

    her laugh lines
    [the only reminder]
    of a spirited youth (b – prov)

    round the brazier
    they pass the cup

    feet out to the hearth,
    how good to be home!

    a wind from the pole,
    your hand over mine

  155. Genevieve Osborne says:

    her laugh lines
    the true testament
    to a spirited youth (b/prov)

    light the fire, pour the wine
    it’s time for the story telling

    come closer to the fire
    it’s time for the story telling

  156. lorin says:

    her laugh lines
    the true testament
    to a spirited youth (b/prov)

    hot pies and sauce
    we all join the queue

    we all join the queue
    for hot pies and sauce

    lorin

  157. lorin says:

    her laugh lines
    the true testament
    to a spirited youth (b/prov)

    members’ stand seats
    the goalposts in view

    a view of the goalposts
    from the members’ stand

    lorin

  158. Genevieve Osborne says:

    come by the fire – it’s
    time for the story telling

    now by the fire – it’s
    time for the story telling

  159. Genevieve Osborne says:

    her laugh lines
    the true testament
    to a spirited youth (b/prov)

    come on, let’s go home
    and light the fire

  160. Mysha says:

    Hi,

    this lovely morning – ?
    setting your face aglow (g)

    her laugh lines
    the true testament
    of a spirited youth (b – prov)

    let’s hibernate
    till the season turns

    we’ll hibernate
    till the seasons turn

    (Sounds different in Frisian. l-:)

    her laugh lines
    the true symbols
    of a spirited youth (b – prov)

    punters weighing odds
    for the Winter Cup.

    Mysha

  161. John Carley says:

    her laugh lines
    the true testament
    of a spirited youth (b)

    let’s hibernate
    until the season turns (m – prov)

    Friends, a very experienced sabaki once said to me: “Never let an idea of ‘rules’ stand in the way of a good verse.”

    In theory Mysha’s verse here is in conflict with the last-but-one on the grounds that both take authorial vperspectives that would be described as ‘ji’ in Japanese – essential as ‘first person’. But this analytic theory was propounded by Hokushi, not Basho. And I’ve just translated a passage where Basho adopts four third person verses in a row, over Hokushi’s protests – and I think just to spite him!

    Anyway, Mysha’s verse is so astounding in its metaphisics that it marks a step change; it can’t be said to ‘return’ the reader to a previous part of the poem. Mysha, in the text I’ve added the extra syllable to ‘until’ purely for reasons of cadence. I hope this might be acceptable to you.

    Ok team, we need to review the entire text. I can’t remember too many queries. But that’s just me. Genevieved – ‘spring’ can easily stand, if other alernatives don’t appeal to you. Specially if this poem is intended for a generalis market it is the quality of flow that is most important.

    Btw – if anyone is interested in this ‘narrative perspective’ stuff I’ve got a resume up on Renku Reckoner under the More About Shift heading which is on the Link, Shift and Variety page group. You’ll find similar stuff elsewhere – like I say, Hokushi dined out on these theories claiming they were pure Basho. They weren’t. But they are a useful analytical tool to keep in the locker.

    OK folks, gotta go.

    Thank you all so much, John

  162. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Congratulations Mysha – great verse.

  163. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Hi John,

    The only one I can think of so far that might be OK is ‘new’:

    this new morning –
    setting your face aglow

    I don’t know though

    anything else I try seems too syrupy…

    The right word must be out there somewhere – does anyone have any more suggestions?

    Best wishes, G.

  164. lorin says:

    Congratulations, Mysha… excellent verse, and a surprising turn!

    lorin

  165. Sandra says:

    I like “spring” and have no issue with it being there – after all, it’s the only directly named season in the poem, the others are “between the lines” as it were.

    So far, I think “spring” is still the best word.

  166. kala says:

    Congratulations Mysha – v nice verse.

    _kala

  167. g’day all

    Congrats Mysha, that’s lovely.

    We have summer rain and spring morning, if a change is needed, could it possibly be

    morning lingers –
    setting your face aglow (g)

    new morning is fine by me too.

    Peace and Love

    • Sandra says:

      Pardon me, bat, you’re right! “summer” too.

      However, with that season at the end of a second line and “spring” at the start of a first line and 3 verses between, might it be enough to say “no worries”?

  168. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Hi John,

    Just about ‘Au Clair de Lune’. This may not matter, but I thought I’d bring it up in case there are any music buffs among readers.

    ‘Au Clair de la Lune’ – is the old French folk song.

    ‘Clair de Lune’ – music by Debussy, a piano depiction of the Paul Verlaine poem. Also music by Faure and others.

    ‘Sonate au Clair de Lune’ – Beethoven’s ‘Moonlight Sonata’.

    If we had ‘Clair de Lune’ it would have the connection to the Verlaine poem and I think the name would be just as familiar to many people as the folk song. Also, I think it’s music that fits well with the image ‘spilling from a window’ – the folk/children’s song seems a bit too ‘solid’ for ‘spilling’.

    But, I realize the rhythm would change without ‘au’…and may not flow as well.

    Whichever you think is better, the word ‘clair’ has no ‘e’.

    Best wishes,
    Genevieve.

  169. Mysha says:

    Hi,

    Wow, and here I wasn’t sure it would come across in English. (-:

    John, to me the uchikoshi is really about the other; does that make it ji-ta-han? Then the ageku is the first person talking about themselves directly, ji. Right? I’ll take another look at your explanation anyway, though.

    I was in doubt about “till” or “until”, as usual, and admit I left it to the sabaki to pick the right one.

    As far as I recall, the only thing left open is (Au) Clair de Lune.

    Thanks,
    Mysha

  170. john carley says:

    Hi everybody, thanks for the thoughtful review. The Debussy is indeed the most successful reference, and the metre actually seems to read better.

    Inspired observation about the importance of the position in the line of the two season names. That stuff about not naming two seasons directly is anyway a purely general observation about avoiding lazy word choices – an accusation which doesn’t stick in our case, aided by the fact that there are three clear verses before the ‘repetition’.

    Mysha, you are correct. In Hokushi’s terms the uchikoshi verse would be ji-ta-ha. Some would argue that in Japanese terms the tsukeku is too as it involves a rhetorical address to others. For the reasons stated I think there is so much difference in impetus and stance between the verses that there is no danger of ‘uchikoshi no kirai’ or ‘kannonbiraki’. In short – the ageku takes us forward into a metaphysical rebirth. It does not return us to any previous point in the poem. Colleagues may not be aware that English is not your first language. Bravo!

    Friends, below I append the obvious title. I would like to propose that we adopt this text. I’m at the pub at the moment (glug, glug) so don’t have access to my records. Tomorrow I’ll pull up the name, surname, place, nation stuff that I have which I have for everyone but Mysha. As I recall most colleagues on the Snail publish under their given names; _kala uses a pen name. So Mysha the choice is of course yours to publish as such, or under your given name. The copyright to this text is jointly held. GDS are going to have their work cut out to decide between this poem and that generated on the other strand!

    Best wishes, John

  171. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Thanks John – it all looks great.

    Just one thing, there’s no ‘e’ on ‘Clair’ in ‘Clair de Lune’.

    It’s been another wonderful experience with everyone – thank you John for all your time …(especially in hospital?) and all your teaching along the way. Each Renku feels better than the last!

    Thank you Ashley for this great site – it all just gets better and better.

    When there’s time and space – my hand will shoot up for another one.

    …very happy that ‘spring morning’ was OK in the end.

    All best wishes to everyone,
    Genevieve.

  172. lorin says:

    Yes, apart from that superfluous ‘e’ that Genevieve mentions …we don’t want the impression that a woman named Claire is a tad soaked and spilling out of the window, I think 😉 …it’s looking good and flowing beautifully.

    My thanks to you, John, for sabaki-ing these two renku with your usual style & vigour, despite hospital. I’ve really enjoyed the challenge of ‘speed renku’ and working with everyone here.

    lorin

  173. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Hi Everyone,

    Just reading through it again & something caught my eye – isn’t it usually ‘testament to’ something instead of ‘testament of’?

    ‘true testament
    to a spirited youth’ ?

    All the best,
    G.

    and I hope you’re feeling better John – being sabaki while in hospital must certainly be above the call of duty! Thank you!

    • lorin says:

      yes, that’s the usual, Genevieve. 🙂 I admit to not saying anything this time, though I noticed it too. Was a bit worried I’d said too much of a critical nature already. Glad that you did.

      Though prepositional idioms do vary around the world , (which is why they’re so difficult for ESL learners) and I did have the 2nd thought that ‘testament of’ might be the norm in some parts of the English speaking world.

      lorin

    • ashleycapes says:

      yes! I agree, above & beyond! thank you, John

  174. Mysha says:

    Hi,

    I recently got published as Mysha, with a haiga in Notes from the Gean, so let’s stick with that.
    For those who don’t mind politics I’m from “Frisia”; otherwise you could use “The Netherlands”. Note that Frisians are never from “Holland”; that’s like telling Scotsmen they’re from England.

    And yes, this was fun. Speedy, but maybe that was part of the attraction. That, and sharing it with all of you.

    Thanks,
    Mysha

  175. colin stewart jones says:

    Mysha I am a scotsman from england lol

    i was born in england to an english father
    and scottish mother and brought up in scotland
    and i have chosen to live in scotland

    so i am 60% scottish
    and 40% english

    no wonder i am a crazy mixed-up kid

    my details:

    Colin Stewart Jones
    Aberdeen, Scotland

  176. g’day John, all

    I’d much prefer to see:

    her laugh lines
    true testament
    to a spirited youth

    It all looks good and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that we have success in publishing somewhere….

    Thanks Ashley, for this space, and to John for his guidance,
    and to all for making this exciting journey. After recuperation hopefully we can make nother trip.

    Peace and Love

    Barbara A Taylor
    NSW Australia

  177. John Carley says:

    Hi everybody, herewith the completed text which I respectfully propose we allow Ashley to submit to GDS on our collective behalf.

    I’ll get a brief tomegaki (poem leader’s commentary) online tomorrow.

    Thanks everybody, this has been a blast! John

  178. John Carley says:

    Tomegaki

    The term means something like ‘closure words’ – it refers to the semi formal practice of a poem leader (sabaki) giving a debrief once a composition is ended – drawing together some strands of thought that have arisen during composition. Personally I find it really useful as it obliges me to reflect on my own practice.

    The composition of these poems has been a unique experience. The submission deadline was already a constraint – though from experience I’d expect to be able to push a ‘remote’ composition through at a little more than 48 hours a verse (we averaged more like 36). What made it so particular was the unpredictable access to the internet due to a series of unanticipated stays in this and that hospital. One minute I was at home, with an optical broadband connection to a light-speed computer, next I was trying to use some antedeluvian television-based public access system which took four hours to type and upload as many paragraphs. This is not an exaggeration!

    So first to go was the ability to respond with even the minimum courtesy to all sorts of excellent queries and observations made during the composition. Next to go was the ability to track who was posting what candidate verses as the very cut down mobile interfaces I was able to get access to on most days didn’t hold the formatting which the ‘normal’ site allows. Most disconcertingly of all, I was left with little or no ‘wriggle room’ – the space in which I am used to agonising over this or that aspect of verse selection. Hell – it was hard enough to know which of the two strands I was in!

    I had little option but to select a verse at a single read-through, generally without knowing the author. So it is really interesting that each poem has a similar and broad spread of contributors. And that no person is represented more than twice in any given poem. On one level this simply indicates that there were a lot of excellent people offering excellent alternatives. But it also says something about the particular and peculiar nature of renku – the massive paradox that the more disparate the elements it draws in, the greater the unity it may achieve. Because, trust me, these are both good poems which make the most of the Junicho form.

    I have been mincing around the edges of metaphysics recently in order to present an overview of the historic and contemporary approaches to variety and change in a renku sequence – the article Occurrence and Recurrence is finally up on Renku Reckoner. To be honest I tend to resist all that sub-hippie bulldust about ‘cosmic gestalts’. And yet these poems are the most tangible proof I’ve ever witnessed that ideas of ‘renku as mandala’ are bang on the money.

    Maybe it’s simply down to all that morphine they’ve been giving me! John

    • ashleycapes says:

      Thank you, John! Hope you’re feeling better (not morphine better though, perhaps ‘real’ better!) and for leading and teaching us once again, thank you.

      I’m putting the submission together tomorrow night, so our two renku will fly off to the mercies of GDS soon, but I will try and leave these up until we get word from the eds. Gives everyone more time to have a read.

      Ashley

  179. John Carley says:

    Q & A

    Hi folks, I’m going back into dry dock for a little while and will need to recuperate. But I’m working on the idea of getting a friend and colleague to offer to lead a poem at The Snail. Watch this space.

    Meanwhile I’m looking for all those basic questions people want to ask about renku in order to put together a Frequently Asked type page on Renku Reckoner. This might be particularly useful for people who are a bit shy, and new to the genre (i.e. most of us!).

    Please post any such queries to john@renkureckoner.co.uk with something like FAQ or Q&A in the subject line. Published queries will not be attributed.

    Best wishes, John

  180. colin stewart jones says:

    best for your health john

    as a note of continuity
    this renku , u have me from aberdeen
    and aberdeenshire in t’other

    col

  181. Sandra says:

    Hi John,

    If you’re using “shires” and provinces for everyone else, please note that my region is Bay of Plenty (Tauranga is the city).

    Thanks.

  182. Sandra says:

    Just a note to all the great writers involved with this Junicho (reading and writing). Please note that the closing date for the Katikati Haiku Contest is rapidly approaching – April 16.

    Find entry details here:

    http://www.poetrysociety.org.nz/haikunews/competitions

    Many thanks for your support for this great project,
    Sandra

  183. ashleycapes says:

    Thanks, Sandra! Good luck to everyone who enters!

    And good luck to our two Junicho – both of which are now with GDS.

    Fingers crossed!

  184. John Carley says:

    Sabaki ahoy (and a real one too)!

    Hi everybody, here’s some excellent news. My friend, colleague and mentor Eiko Yachimoto will shortly be offering to lead a poem on The Snail.

    For all her personal humility Eiko has been an absolutely central figure in what might be called the ‘second wave’ of the spread of renku theory and practice into English.

    Working alongside colleagues in the Association for International Renku she has been instrumental in furthering an understanding of the potential for renku to develop as a unified world literature rather than fracture along cultural/linguistic grounds (as has tended to be the case with haiku).

    Eiko is expert in all aspects of contemporary renku from neo-classical approaches to the Kasen right the way through to the radical and challenging Rokku which has begun to attract much interest in Japan and elsewhere. I suspect that on The Snail she may choose to adopt the Shisan, Nijuin or Kasen – any and all of which will be a revealing contrast to my recent focus on the Junicho and Triparshva.

    In short, I urge you to check back – don’t miss the project’s opening – and participate directly or follow attentively.

    Eiko’s command of language is highly nuanced – she publishes in both Japanese and English – so you’ve got a treat lined up.

    Enjoy! John

    ps – you guys are pretty familiar with my style. You are about to experience the real deal. I hope the sum of the experience might lead you to consider what *your* style might be as sabaki.

  185. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Sounds great John.

    Best wishes,
    Genevieve.

  186. ashleycapes says:

    Greetings, Snailers!

    Just popping in with some news, I’ve been approached to lead a ‘zombie’ renku at Cordite and we’re kicking off today, love to have everyone’s support!

    Ash

    http://www.cordite.org.au/newsblog/zombie-haikunaut-renga-instructions/

  187. g’day John

    I’ve had the pleasure of working and publishing renku with Eiko before and I most certainly look forward to participating with her again. She is a wonderful sabaki.

    Peace and Love

  188. John Carley says:

    Hi everybody, sorry to butt into the strand. I’ve set up a page ‘Exercises’ to take any subsequent exchanges.

    http://www.renkureckoner.co.uk/beta

    I’ve been working on some exercises to add to the Renku Reckoner site. They are in a temporary folder at the url above.

    I’d be very grateful if people would have a look and give any kind of feedback on this site or direct to johncarley at virginmedia dot com

    Specifically – there’s an exercise there based on a very old Chinese verse form that might qualify for a little more serious consideration. Please have a look at the Haizekku (provisionial name, might be ‘New Zekku’).

    As you’ll see there’s provision on the page for some exemplars. How do you fancy attempting some?

    PS – my friend and colleague Eiko Yachimoto has picked up some finger damage with consequent difficulty typing these last several weeks. Hence the no show to date in terms of a further short poem led by her.

    Please post any comments (or Haizekku first verses etc) you might wish to make in this strand.

    Best wishes, John

  189. John Carley says:

    Hi everybody, sorry to butt into the strand. Good news though.

    After becoming involved in an altercation between a large piece of bamboo and a very sharp knife the internationally renowned renku poet Eiko Yachimoto has managed to reattach all her typing fingers. She will therefore shortly be appearting here at The Snail in order to lead a new sequence.

    Accordingly check out the page New Sequence (tab at head of this page). Soonest.

    Best wishes, John

  190. ashleycapes says:

    Hi everyone, bad news, GDS have passed on our speed renku, so it’s on to the next market!

    More news soon

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