Hi everybody, thanks for the rapid and wonderfully varied responses. I’m not entirely sure how to best facilitate this with so much quality input on offer. For the moment I’d like to suggest we go with two strands. Both of which remain open to all who would wished to submit candidates. At some stage later, assuming both run, it might be best to break up into teams. For the moment though I’d like to propose the following twin track approach.
………………
Strand Two:
first cool day –
the blackbird & I
sing, sing, sing
sandra
This autumn verse asks for an autumn wakiku. We *could* consider ‘moon’ here but that is not a requirement.
Best wishes, John
Issa's Snail - A Renku Group 
[from Bat]
g’day all
sorry I meant to say congratulations to Lorin and G last time.
Congratulations Sandra for this one!
Herewith some offers for Strand Two:
first cool day –
the blackbird & I
sing, sing, sing /sandra
scarlet fungi clings
to the moss-covered log
or
first cool day –
the blackbird & I
sing, sing, sing /sandra
thanksgiving, the preacher stands
on a giant pumpkin
or
first cool day –
the blackbird & I
sing, sing, sing /sandra
a muddied track leads
to the old woodpile
Peace and Love
Ok, and a couple from me on strand 2!
first cool day –
the blackbird & I
sing, sing, sing/s
now the fruit bowl
is full of pears
–
short afternoon
the half-stroke moon is early
Found it! – thought I was going very strange when I was just about to say to Barbara I liked her ‘scarlet fungi’ and ‘a muddied track’ and they’d disappeared. But here they are. Thanks for the congrats Barbara.
And I very much like your ‘half-stroke moon’ Ashley.
Congratulations Sandra,
and one from me:
first cool day
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (Sandra)
spilling from a window
the notes of a nocturne
first cool day
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (Sandra)
mowing the meadow with scythes
just for the love of it
or
cutting the meadow with scythes
just for the love of it
Hi all – lovely one Sandra – here’s for a try –
I don’t know if I need the comma in the last ku
all the butterflies –
where have they gone?
crunching through leaves
– my crutches
boys with their bikes
and football beanies, again
Hi Ashley – you’ll notice I was able to get through to the Junicho 2 – I don’t know whats going on with the kasen page – Rho
Me either, that is pretty odd. But it’s nice that you can post here at least!
Nice one, Sandra!
first cool day
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (Sandra)
the hills are alive
with grape harvesters!
a bumper harvest
at the vineyard
wind in the reeds
brings other voices
loin
our palates cleansed
by grapes
lorin
we clean our palates
with grapes
lorin
Strand Two:
first cool day –
the blackbird & I
sing, sing, sing
sandra
as we walk the moon
up a hill path / _k
first cool day
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (Sandra)
spilling from a window
au claire de lune (Genevieve)
Hi Genevieve, the nocturne is a beautiful, but what do you think of a moon verse? Of course the majority our audience will not get that ‘first cool day’ is an autumn kigo, likewise ‘moonlight’. But I wonder if the link between ‘blackbird’ and ‘french folk tune’ might not be directly available to them.
If this is acceptable we can go to verse three – a non season verse open to all.
Best wishes, John
first cool day
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (Sandra)
the hills are alive
with berry pickers
lorin
Hi,
first cool day –
the blackbird & I
sing, sing, sing (sandra)
walking back from the harvest
voices join in the twilight
returning from the harvest
an old song in the moonlight
whoops! Apologies for my previous post… I scrolled straight down and posted my revision on first getting up this morning and didn’t see John’s comments and Genevieve’s ku.
That said, though I’ve heard of the music ‘claire de lune’, I was unaware of any connection with blackbirds.
Beyond that (I must be honest) using a foreign language (apart from common names for eg wine varieties and generally known and used greetings (eg chiao, arrivederci) can seem…well, snobby, pompous & ‘academic’ in the context of English-language poetry intended for an English-language readership.
It’s not just ‘claire de lune’, it’s that ‘au’, as well.
We don’t even say ‘cafe au lait’ in Melbourne (where GDS is edited and published) but ‘flat white’. (;-)…a local term, probably, that might not catch on in the Southern states of the USA, for instance)
lorin
…of course, I was forgetting, John, that you live just across the water from France! As close as Tasmania is to the mainland here, probably. So it wouldn’t seem very ‘foreign’.
lorin
G’day all, Bonjour Lorin!
GDS has an international readership, the use of foreign lingo is quite apt in renku, (French, Maori, Japanese, Aussie Eng, American English, local patois, etc etc. ) We aussies are an educated mob;)
I do like Genevieve’s verse. I used to play this on the piano
and sing the words. I wondered though that the verse might be moon but doesn’t really matter does it? The link is the music of song. And the window opens to further exploration…..
If we are going with G’s verse, then herewith are my following offers:
spilling from a window
au claire de lune (G)
slapping my fingers
the piano teacher
frowns
a silver mansion slides
slips into
silvery sands
hestitant, but
grasp this opportunity
to grow
Peace and Love
Perhaps you’re right, Barbara, and my misgivings are out-dated.
Obviously, too, I’ve picked up the wrong idea somewhere that foreign words are more appropriate to the middle (ha) section of renku.
But ‘we Aussies’? I thought you’d claimed to be Irish? Your voice *sounds* Irish.
lorin
ok, some offers for the daisan to follow Genevieve’s wakiku, should there be no problems with ‘foreign words’ :
first cool day
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (Sandra)
spilling from a window
au claire de lune (Genevieve)
the bride robber
in his red Toyota
right on time
almost fluorescent
on the subway station
his white cane
at the subway station
echoes
of his white cane
come tea time
a white flag waves
from the tree house
or maybe
come tea time
a bandana waves
from the tree house
lorin
I’m wondering what’s happened to Willie? I have a feeling his internet connection might’ve failed.
lorin
[From _kala]
first cool day –
the blackbird & I
sing, sing, sing
sandra
as we walk the moon
up a hill path /_k
[From Willie]
first cool day –
the blackbird & I
sing, sing, sing
sandra
caught in the rain,
we’re soaked to the bone
Hi John,
Your “au clair de lune” is fine with me.
Best wishes,
Genevieve.
Oh deary, this is going fast. Take half an hour to post, and find out John has already picked verse.
OK, provided Genevieve approves:
first cool day
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (Sandra)
spilling from a window
au claire de lune (Genevieve)
busy take-away
China drifts into the street
with each new client
the evening market
customers navigating
by the smells of food
Mysha
It’s just that I thought “Au clair the lune” was a film, while “Au clair de la lune” was a song.
Speaking of film: Did anyone see the Graduate?
the bride robber in
his red Alfa Romeo
too late, but she comes
Lorin’s version speaks more, though.
Aarg, take ten minutes to post and Genevieve post her approval. This is getting to be, here one moment, gone the next kind of stuff:
a beat box on wheels
blasts away the neigbourhood
and leaves it silent
first cool day
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (Sandra)
spilling from a window
au claire de lune (Genevieve)
evening market,
people navigate
by the scent of food (mysha – prov)
Hi everybody, thank God – my wife has just turned up with her laptop so I don’t have to try and use the antedeluvian hosptial network.
But still short of time so please excuse the brusqueness.
Foriegn words are one of the things traditonally disbarred from the opening movement (jo) of a multi movement poem. The Junicho is deliberately a ‘single sheet’ poem. Another feature of the Junicho is that wakiku is much less closely tied to hokku than in other forms. I think this is a feature of both of our strands.
Having said which – au claire de lune whilst originally a folk song (innocent singing is very much described as ‘like a blackbird’ in French. It is also a piano piece – paced low and reflective. So I think our intellectuals should either get the link directly, or imagine that they should (which is better!).
The suggested ammendment Mysha are all to bring the syllable count and cadence down to the range that we’ve been tending to use for our poems here. This is a big topic, and one I hope to address in another place in the not too distant future. But don’t have time/space now – other than to say that if you read the Triparshva that is still on site I think the overall approach is fairly clear. And sorry for not having the opportunity to respond to your earlier invitation to write a ‘strict form’ renku. You might find the work of the Yuki Teikei Haiku Society interesting. Anway, I hope you can go with the suggestions because this is a great verse.
Should Mysha confirm folks we will stay open to everyone and go on to a second non-season verse. Just about all topics are open. At some stage we might consider something directly unpleasant. Hmmn – not too though – don’t want to scare the horses.
Best wishes, John
Hi,
I’m really going to learn this style of verses, somehow. I’m just trying to ease into it. Simply point me where I’m supposed to go. To me, though, the “gate” and “by” clash in the cadence. So, would this be OK:
evening market,
people navigate
by scents of food
Navigating “by the scent of food” would seem a bit like a bee line to me. But I had “smells” because I was looking for an omni-precense. And the cadence still seems imperfect. Hm …
evening market,
people navigating
scents of food
? Yes, this one. Will this fit?
(Ah, found it: It’s the Mondscheinsonate, right?)
Esoteric grammar aside :), I don’t see how “navigate” and by “clash”?
John’s version, I would humbly suggest, is superior, partly because it doesn’t cut out the all-important article and so has a less choppy rhythm.
It seems to me, too, that your second and preferred option, subtly changes the meaning of the word “navigate” to mean something like “making their way through the shoals”, rather than “finding their way by the stars”.
John’s version of your verse has something homely and comforting about it; your preferrred option a whiff of discord, which the words belie.
“People” is such a general word that it is necessary to bring it back to a particular to have a successful poem – big picture (market & people) then zoom in to a detail:
“navigating by the scent of food” (“scent” and “food” are able to be read as plurals, but without the generalising “s” , & we can all put our own favourite scent into the poem).
If you mean Beethoven’s ‘Moonlight Sonata’, Mysha ( I don’t speak or read German, so I’m just guessing) then, no..’it’ (if you mean ‘claire de lune’) is Debussy’s:
I don’t understand what you might mean by ‘gate’ and ‘by’ clashing.
Personally, I find your ‘people navigating scents of food’ unnecessarily complex in a way that would detract from the flow of the renku. I’d go for:
evening market,
people navigate
by the scent of food
lorin
Hi Lorin,
Yes, you guessed right. “Mondschein” translates to “Moonshine”. However, if it’s Debussy’s Claire de lune, which I didn’t know (thanks), but which fits the situation perfectly, is that also known as “Au claire de lune”? Or is this a mix up with “Au claire de la lune”?
(It’s not that I don’t understand the concept of music flowing from a window; I’m just trying to make certain we have the right words here.)
Mysha
evening market,
people navigate
by the scent of food (mysha – prov)
crocodiles, too
watch the wrecked Endeavour
lorin
g’day all
evening market,
people navigate
by the scent of food (mysha – prov)
my GPS takes me
in the wrong direction
or
only the “green” beans
have more flavour
at the crossroads
the same sign in both directions
welcome bangers and mash
at the end of the trail
now for a true taste
of what things could be
Peace and Love
evening market,
people navigate
by the scent of food (mysha – prov)
in a Kabul prison cell
not one bucket
lorin
spilling from a window
au claire de lune/G
evening market,
people navigate
by the scent of food/M (prov)
in broken English
St Mark and the pork
handshakes and
mint tea in glasses
patting his pockets
one last time
half way up the hillside
goats in his corn
ants hurry their line
for my breakfast
evening market,
people navigate
by the scent of food (mysha – prov)
bundles of spinifex
to cover our tracks
lorin
first cool day –
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing
spilling from a window
Au Claire de Lune
evening market,
people navigating
the scent of food
Thanks Mysha, your point about generality is well made. So I have dropped ‘by’ and re-instituted the present participle ‘navigating’- great word! Ok team, we have a definitive text. More on 4 pls.
Best wishes, John
Hmm, sorry to question your decision John … but here goes anyway 🙂
For me:
“navigating by” has a sense of homecoming, people being drawn towards the smells of food, perhaps all choosing different scents, and feeling the comfort of being fed.
(and “navigating by” is, I agree, a better option than “navigate by”)
“Navigating” on its own has a sense of people *avoiding* the stalls/cafes, etc, and is a much colder picture. They have no time to stop and eat.
Thanks.
Hi,
I had to sleep on this as I couldn’t make out what caused the difference in interpretation. I now think it might be the kind of evening markets we’re used to.
“Navigate by” – using things at a distance to find your way – would be like starting on one side of the market, and following the scent of food until you found one of the food stalls.
But the kind of market I meant is filled with food. Think of it as “navigating” – finding your way through – the smell of burritos, turn at the fried bananas, pass through ripe melons, to arrive at the honey waffles. (-: You go through all of them, experience, and maybe sample, them all. There’s no danger involved, though, except maybe that of growing sideways. (-:
John”s definitive version turns it into one big sea of scent being experienced; that might be even better.
Mysha
trying to get in before I am swamped by the weekend…a bit sleepy at the moment..a version of the 2nd was passed over in another renku
was that ‘no season/love,’ John?
spilling from a window
Au Claire de Lune
evening market,
people navigating
the scent of food
–
the tide is too slow
I watch for your colours
–
I’m surprised
in the park
kids still fly kites
first cool day –
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (s)
spilling from a window
Au Claire de Lune (g)
evening market,
navigating
by the scent of food (m)
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
Hi all, I’m not generally drawn to word links – but there’s a tension in Ashley’s verse that I find almost sinister – a radical evolution of emphasis is effectively mediated by an ‘obvious’ link. All that stuff you read.
The experiment with dropping the verb Ashley is princiapally that the resultant parataxis ups the ‘anxiety’ levels. But also to preserve balance and flow from the draft of Mysha’s market examining the proposition that maybe the word ‘people’ is redundant to the extent that it pushes the cadence out of kilter. Dunno. But Mysha’s further clarification, and Sandra’s welcome query suggest to m that the earlier text was not optimal. Thank you both. I’ll be infallible next year!
How does this come off the page? The semantic movement is great. Have we got the read right now?
Best wishes, John
Yes, it reads superbly…losing the overt ‘people’ from Mysha’s verse did the trick. I do like Ashley’s mysterious verse: it’s so open to several scenarios/ interpretations.
lorin
Yes, this is good, thanks John. And nice verse, Ashley.
Outstanding! Thanks, John 🙂
I’m really happy without the ‘is’ reads much smoother and I think that by ‘dropping’ people it does come together for Mysha’s, which is a fantastic verse!
And thanks, Lorin & Sandra too!
Ooops – the bit I was going to put in above, and only half cut was about word links (kotobazuke) – all that stuff you read about Basho and scent linking (nioizuke) would lead one to imagine that all Basho school Kasen only used nioizuke. In fact this is not true. There is a mixture of linking techniques. To be fair it is true that Basho’s approach went against regarding a simple word link as adequate. Often it is the ‘way in’ to a verse that is otherwise quite complex. There are also really strong arguments in favour of a kind of layered linkage which alows different readers to access different strands. One last thought – good renku doesn’t feature uniform styles of linkage, nor are they of uniform ‘tightness’ (search terms for these latter are ‘shinku’ and ‘soku’).
Best wishes, John (back on a real laptop with a real keyboard!).
evening market,
navigating
by the scent of food (m)
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
in the ultrasound image
such tiny fists
lorin
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
in the ultrasound image
her tiny fist
lorin
whoops …3 lines:
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
clenched tight
in the ultrasound image
her tiny fist
lorin
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (Ashley)
a hush falls on the crowd
as the jousting
begins
g’day all
good one ashley!
a year on,
the buntings still there
but ragged
peace and love
Thanks! 🙂
two more offers:
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (Ashley)
unnerving
a violet eye winks
in the lens
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (Ashley)
not again…
everyone’s looking
for Joseph
Peasce and Love
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (Ashley)
that taffeta dress
turning your eyes
an even deeper blue
–
please, wear the taffeta dress
it turns your eyes
an even deeper green
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (Ashley)
he hides the bottle
in the tool shed – now
we know he dyes his hair
or
now we know he dyes
his hair – he hides the bottle
in the tool shed
lovely Ashley –
groovy granny
rocking
the Paris night away
breathing into the wind –
all the city’s flags
flying
in the empty cathedral
a grain of sand
echoes
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
that heifer
in the role of Isolde
fudges the note
lorin – catwoman 🙂
evening market,
navigating
by the scent of food (m)
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
between tour groups
painting
the shadows
the mason’s
lotus
still in flower
each water-lily
opening
to the patter of rain
click of the abacus,
red bead, green bead
and a wreath of smoke
slowly discerning
the pattern
in the afghani carpet
oh, oh and
pointing
my red toenails
east
night-night all
why won’t this thing let me post???
lorin
ok…that went through, trying again
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
just can’t keep
up with a lover
with ADHD
whew!
lorin
[from Genevieve]
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a
this morning it all looks
less than lovely –
tired and tawdry
or
this morning it all looks
less than lovely –
tawdry
Hi,
Nice verse. Maybe not what I would write, with all persons fading into the background, but still. Maybe it should be attributed to John as well. (Of course, to me this worsens the cadence, but I am going to find out.)
evening market,
navigating
by the scent of food ()
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
dutiful pupil
who paints in the greenery
left by his master
/
dutiful pupil
painting in greenery
left by his master
Mysha
first cool day –
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (s)
spilling from a window
Au Claire de Lune (g)
evening market,
navigating
by the scent of food (m)
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
——–
Resident Evil –
nobody gets past
level one
year on year
the Palio and yet
no woman’s favour
il santo graal,
another can of
partially cool beer
🙂
Hi John,
Are we commenting on these? If so, I like the Palio.
Regards G.
I like Barbara’s
unnerving
a violet eye winks
in the lens
with its nod to Elizabeth Taylor.
g’day Sandra
Thanks for comment. I was thinking of photographing a bower bird!
peace and love
Funny, huh?
It made me think of how gorgeous Eliz. was in her heyday – famous for her violet eyes before she was famous for her umpteen husbands. I can imagine her giving the lens a saucy wink!
first cool day –
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (s)
spilling from a window
Au Claire de Lune (g)
evening market,
navigating
by the scent of food (m)
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
_________________
the beach ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s sombrero
she laughs
as I try to put up
a deck chair
col
Alan Summers has joined the Notes from the Gean
team as renga/renku editor
please welcome him by filling his in box with submissions
GeanRenga@withwords.org.uk
details will be avaible soon on the gean site
http://www.geantree.com
cheers me ol shipmates
col
😉
Good news, hey?
lorin
first cool day –
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (s)
spilling from a window
Au Claire de Lune (g)
evening market,
navigating
by the scent of food (m)
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
a beach ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c – prov)
Well done Colin – that is one of the funniest pieces of deflation I’ve come across for ages. Mice and men eh! We are duly cut down to size. This verse makes in interesting contrast to the way, in the other strand, _kala causes the ‘renku wave’ as Eiko Yachimoto puts it to ‘break’.
I’m suggesting the indefinite article initially as an alternative to starting two verses in a row with the definite, but in place it seems to function well as strengthening the suggestion that the ‘I’ of Ashley’s verse is the fall guy portrayed in your verse. ‘Hat’ for ‘sombrero’ purely in terms of keeping the overall cadence in balance.
What I do a lot is read from verse one aloud – often running a timed pulse and counter point either with my fingers or in my head (I’ve played percussion for 40 years). Anyone who is interested in this stuff – about proportional cadences in English – can download any number of freeward sound recorders to run on the pc. What these do is allow you to record a piece and then analyse the real time amplitude peaks and troughs. It’s very revealing. Check out Gilbert and Yoneoka here http://www.iyume.com/metrics/total2.html
Ah Mysha, your verses of reproof are both well written and well merited. You’ve helped me decide what I need to tackle next in a kind of ‘formal’ way on the Renku Reckoner site, not least beacuse my own response to working with a sabaki was one of absolute outrage. Here I would simply observe that all amendments etc are to do with phrasing, and that the semantic content is unaltered. By contrast Genevieve’s wakiku arguably underwent a greater degree of change.
Let’s go forward team. It is the 7th; in this strand we have five verses, in the other we have six. So we are doing well. I am nominally bracketing #5 here as ‘summer’ – though if anyone wishes to propose a more intense ‘heat’ verse at #6 they are very welcome – specially those people who live in very hot and sometimes arid climates. BTW I’m bracketing wakiku as ‘autumn moon’.
So, to #6. We stay open to all. We stay ‘competitive’. We are either ‘non season’ or ‘very hot’. Other than the formal topic ‘moon’ just about everything looks open to me.
Best wishes, John
a beach ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c – prov)
😉 yes, nice! Hilarious in context.
…um, a proof-reader’s query: isn’t the hyphen misplaced? I’d have it:
a beach-ride man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c
lorin
first cool day –
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (s)
spilling from a window
Au Claire de Lune (g)
evening market,
navigating
by the scent of food (m)
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
a beach ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c – prov)
———–
on pain of death
the scientists recant
greed decree agreed
with head of fed
Best wishes, John
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
a beach ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c – prov)
sun-burned shoulders
of the hay-maker,
his roll-your-own
on and on
the combine’s
dust haze
I’m away now for a couple of days, look forward to reading progress on Weds.
first cool day –
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (s)
spilling from a window
Au Claire de Lune (g)
evening market,
navigating
by the scent of food (m)
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
a beach ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c – prov)
without a shelter
it rains down tears
a beach ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c – prov)
the long haul
from bulldust to summer rain
a long haul through bulldust
to summer rain
lorin
a beach ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c – prov)
after the bulldust
fat drops of summer rain
lorin
bulldust:
http://media.photobucket.com/image/bulldust/JobMattijssen/Camping%20Dec2007-2/TrafficsignbulldustDSC01765_resize.jpg?o=11
…sorry, that’s an awfully long url. This one is better and with more pictures:
http://photobucket.com/images/bulldust/
lorin
Ooh, this sabaki is good at this! I hadn’t even noticed yet what those two verses were about. But what’s in the mind is in the pen (/keyboard). It’s an exaggeration, of course, don’t worry.
Also, can I join in the praises for Colin’s beach-ride man? I like that one, a lot! Hm, it does seem to ask for:
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
a beach ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c – prov)
her hippo boxed in
by colourful horses
doesn’t it? (-:
the shimmering sun,
on the desert horizon
Mysha
Good one Colin – what response will it bring?
‘a beach ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat’
(Colin)
dumps his rider for a peach –
the policeman’s horse
or
the policeman’s horse
dumps his rider for a peach
jogging – they all see
her unmatching shoes
breathing into the wind –
he’s been eating beans again
thx folks
i only discovered this renku today
and thought i put this one in
to see how it flew ..no pun honest
i am glad it works
the prov is fine with me john
i like hat
btw lorin the hyphe could goas u have stated
beach-ride man
but maybe
beach ride-man makes it even more ridiculous
i will let john decide
i am happy either way
thx agian
col
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
a beach ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c-prov)
he’s frying an egg
on the bonnet of his truck
her stiletto heels –
stuck in the bitumen
a beach ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c)
all around us, the plain
bucking in the heat
the heat haze
wobbling the hills
g’day all
some offers:
a beach ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat
even the cold water tap
runs burning hot
or
ouch! Ouch! OUCH!
hopping to the water’s edge
or
a plastic bag
at the end of the line
or
a mid-summer night’s dream
becomes a steamy nightmare
Peace and Love
The ‘ouch’ verse makes me smile, Barbara
first cool day –
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (s)
spilling from a window
Au Claire de Lune (g)
evening market,
navigating
by the scent of food (m)
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
a beach-ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c)
after the bulldust
fat drops of summer rain (l)
Well, I was wondering how we’d recover some dignity and this verse does it in a breath – it worked for me even before I realised the further meanings of the expression ‘bull dust’.
Onwards. We are done with ‘summer’. I think it best not to have a subversive verse next. And we go to non-season.
Best wishes, John
🙂 thank you , John. Great to get a real Australian word in the renku!
Dignity. . .well, it could’ve been ‘after all the bulldust’ 😉
lorin
trickling brooks
flowing together
feeding the river
Mysha
V nice verse Lorin!
1. the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
a beach-ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c)
after the bulldust
fat drops of summer rain (l)
digging for diamonds
a mud colour this deep
from blood shed
Thanks, Kala!
I like your ku above, too.
It reminds me of the Ballarat gold fields & Eureka, where there was indeed blood shed.
http://www.cultureandrecreation.gov.au/articles/eurekastockade/
My great-great grandparents married up there, on the goldfields.
‘Diamonds’ is good for Africa, maybe India, too? We have them, yellow diamonds, but it’s deep, industrial mines, for diamonds
lorin
g’day all
Nice one, Lorin! My offer:
after the bulldust
fat drops of summer rain (l)
before going to bed
a toddy for granpa
granma and me
Peace and Love
Thanks, Barbara.
lorin
g’day again,
another offer:
after the bulldust
fat drops of summer rain (l)
invading black ants
circle the floor
of the outside shower
Peace and Love
after the bulldust
fat drops of summer rain (l)
a brand new woman
transformed by
Oprah’s diet
pandl
after the bulldust
fat drops of summer rain (l)
the rivers run,
now the birds come
to cover the dead heart
–
now the birds come
to cover
the dead heart
Genevieve,
I sure like ‘the birds’!
My obsessive bent persuades me to suggest this format:
now the birds
come to cover
the dead heart
Cheers!
1. the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
a beach-ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c)
after the bulldust
fat drops of summer rain (l)
the phone
has a different ring
when collectors call
Thanks Willie.
Congratulations Lorin – nothing like that good old Ausie word
spreading across the world
panic….
here come H.G’s Martians
gathering stones
a hole
in her pocket
the desert rises
between
galloping camels
Hi Rhonda 😉 …thanks!
lorin
after the bulldust
fat drops of summer rain (l)
International Women’s Day
out from the frying pan
into the fire
or
after the bulldust
fat drops of summer rain (l)
when was the last time?
pure joy trickles
down my cheeks
Peace and Love
hi all – please could some one paste up Barbara’s excellent verse below in regulation style – I’m stuck with gash kit again.
We *could* go to spring next. But another non-season is probably best. Other than that no steer from me.
I’ll try to post a candidate or two at foot myself.
Best wishes, John
after the bulldust
fat drops of summer rain
when was the last time?
pure joy trickles
down my cheeks
———
(sorry about the delay!) got it now
first cool day –
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (s)
spilling from a window
Au Claire de Lune (g)
evening market,
navigating
by the scent of food (m)
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
a beach-ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c)
after the bulldust
fat drops of summer rain (l)
when was the last time?
pure joy trickles
down my cheeks (b)
click and tick and tock
the detox clock
the day the wall came down
without a shot
shaking as I touch
my baby daughter
Best wishes, John
g’day all
Oh, thanks John, I’m so pleased to be part of this.
my favourite of yours is:
shaking as I touch
my baby daughter
Not sure If I’m permitted to make offers this time
but here are some of my immediate thoughts:
when was the last time?
pure joy trickles
down my cheeks
somewhat kinky
but fun all the same
slipping on
twenty four carats
water of kindness
for Sam, the global star
Peace and Love
ps Sam is a world famous koala, sadly now departed, rescuedduring the disastrous Victorian bushfires.
shaking as I touch
my baby daughter
John,
this is my favourite of your offers too…
when was the last time?
pure joy trickles
down my cheeks
V nice verse indeed Barbara
_kala
Hm, help needed here. We can’t go with my ‘shaking’ verse, at least not as drafted, cos I think we get too many first person verses that way. Complete redrafts or simple alternatives needed.
Best wishes John
how about this john
shaking as he cradles
his new-born daughter
col
Thanks for the paste up Ashley
first cool day –
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (s)
spilling from a window
Au Claire de Lune (g)
evening market,
navigating
by the scent of food (m)
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
a beach-ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c)
after the bulldust
fat drops of summer rain (l)
when was the last time?
pure joy trickles
down my cheeks (b)
—
an upbeat email from
her favourite son
an internet cafe
in old Saigon
a trace of ectoplasm
dulls the air
How about one of these team? J
These two both seem good, in their different ways:
an upbeat email from
her favourite son
The one above fits with the maeku, completing it.
My favourite is the one below. 😉 A clear change of setting, and the skeptic’s slant on ‘tears of pure joy’:
a trace of ectoplasm
dulls the air
dims the air
deadens the air
lorin
Hi John, I like this one most (though all seem to fit)
an internet cafe
in old Saigon
just having ‘internet cafe’ placed alongside ‘old Saigon’ is a nice contrast, shot an image right into my head. I also like the way it shifts action into a totally new place.
Also, as Lorin has pointed out, the ‘ectoplasm’ does the same great shift
g’day John, all
Because it can take us wherever, I like this one:
an internet cafe
in old Saigon
Peace and Love
Hi John,
an internet cafe
in old Saigon
is my favourite too. As Ashley said, I like the contrast between the two lines – the speed & up-to-the-minuteness of the first – the slower pace & distance of the second, both in images & sound.
Your verse is lovely Barbara.
Hi John – I like
‘an internet cafe
in old Saigon’
catching
a handfull of sunlight
the valley is a buzz
with honey
my grandaughter
cries like her mother
thanks every body. we go with:
an internet cafe
in old Saigon (j)
I’ll paste up the full text shortly [still stuck unexpectedly in dry dock]
we go now to close out:
winter, non, spring, spring
or
spring, spring, non, winter
a blossom or flower verse will appear anywhere other than with the ‘non’
so – to winter or spring next. and blossom/flower if wished. please read back when full text is up to feel the whole shape
best wishes, john
when was the last time?
pure joy trickles
down my cheeks (b)
an internet cafe
in old Saigon (j)
–
plum blossoms
swept up
with the litter
g’day all
Herewith some offers:
an internet cafe
in old Saigon (j)
damn computer freezes
in the middle
of an apology
an internet cafe
in old Saigon (j)
chilly morning…
a plate of steaming noodles
from the street vendor
an internet cafe
in old Saigon (j)
bargains galore!
the latest spring fashions
on ebay
an internet cafe
in old Saigon (j)
through bamboo blinds
frangipani scents
smoothing anxiety
Peace and Love
when was the last time?
pure joy trickles
down my cheeks (b)
an internet cafe
in old Saigon (j)
at the airport
a rumour
of bamboo flowers
cup after cup
of green tea,
so many lies
when was the last time?
pure joy trickles
down my cheeks (b)
an internet cafe
in old Saigon (j)
making promises
in a sampan
on the river
–
two promises
in a sampan
on the river
on the back of his neck
goose bumps
and a freckle
street painter
in sudden rain his lilacs
run down the drain
mail from her secret lover
jasmine blossom
taps her shoulder
Hi John – I’m sending one more – if 4 is too many, please do not consider ‘street painter’
on the pond
a message
in a paper boat
an internet cafe
in Old Saigon
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a – prov)
Thats really strong Ashley. In seeking to extend the verse slightly for purely metrical reason it seemed the echoes of human detritus might be appropriate -in the context of disastrous history of the region.
If this or similar is acceptable to
Ashley and the wider team we go to our second spring verse, and turn away from bleakness.
Best wishes, John
Awesome, John – thank you!
I like the echo of the troubles you’ve included, and I like that you’ve added more of the human element – I couldn’t get that in. And I like ‘dose’ linking with ‘cafe’ too.
Hi Ashley & John, lovely verse.
Not sure if we can have more flowers in this second spring one:
an internet cafe
in Old Saigon (j)
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
across warm hills
the white mist of rice flowers
she’s working rice flowers
into bouquets
hmm, I’m thinking rice flowers in Australia, but perhaps it’s too close to Saigon…
first cool day –
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (s)
spilling from a window
Au Claire de Lune (g)
evening market,
navigating
by the scent of food (m)
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
a beach-ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c)
after the bulldust
fat drops of summer rain (l)
when was the last time?
pure joy trickles
down my cheeks (b)
an internet cafe
in Old Saigon (j)
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
————-
Many thanks Ashley. Ok, we go on to spring part the second.
I really like the bouquet verse Genevieve – nice modulation of mood. But all the conventions are against a second ‘flower’ verse really – the more so as ‘plum’ is such a classic. Put another way – if we had ‘hawthorn’ at verse two for instance then rice flowers here wouldn’t be too much of an issue (though still a ‘mistake’ for purists).
So let’s go to a different spring motif folks – and move to mood on from petals in the gutter.
We are making fantastic time here. This is the fastest I’ve ever worked on ‘remote’ composition – helped of course by the fact that many of us sleep whilst the others wake. It is quite revealing.
Best wishes, John
yes, I’ve noticed that – it’s fascinating to see us flying through based on sleeping/working patterns
Love the plum blossom verse, Ashley and John.
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a – prov)
a pure white star
on the foal’s forehead
on the foal’s forehead
a centered star
the hairdresser’s girl
in a sky blue apron
lorin
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a )
the black foal born
with a pure white star
lorin
… or
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a )
the black foal born
with a pure white blaze
lorin
whoops… can’t repeat ‘pure’!
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a – prov)
the black foal born
with a clear white star/ blaze
the black foal born
with a soft white star/ blaze
lorin
‘blaze’ is great, heaps of power in that word, Lorin!
thanks John, thinking again …
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
to the ball – green silk
from her shoulders to the floor
oh, too many ‘to the’ –
spring ball – green silk
from her shoulders to the floor
I like this one, Genevieve
Thanks Ashley.
This has been going on nicely while I’ve been away – I was looking forward to seeing the new directions, and haven’t been disappointed.
an internet cafe
in Old Saigon (j)
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
out on the hillside
a little bleating
out on the hillside
ewes calling their lambs
oak leaves on his lapel
he goes a-courting
g’day all
Thanks Genevieve for your comment on my verse.
Congrats Ashley. Lovely verse.
herewith some offers:
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
she swallows the pill
that keeps her tranquil
perhaps the above is “bleakness” ?
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
warm breezes flow
through burgeoning trees
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
five fluffy kittens
at play in lush grass
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
between pink petals
my lost gold ring
~~~
Peace and Love
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
paper lanterns glow –
the first warm evening
he takes her hand –
the first warm evening
Hi Gen,
I’m guessing that as the hokku is:
“first cool day”
so “first warm evening” may be too close. The paper lanterns are a lovely image.
Sandra, you’re right … have to keep checking between the two pages ..
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
strung between the trees
hearts and paper lanterns
so – changing ‘first warm’ and ‘evening’:
in the warm darkness
paper lanterns glow
doors open to the garden
paper lanterns glow
paper lanterns glow
he takes her hand
g’day all
revision:
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
found, between petals
my lost sapphire
peace and love
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
this spring light –
it makes things clearer
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
the spring light –
shaping her face
the spring dusk
highlighting her face
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
this spring morning –
setting her face aglow
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
________________
an old wine drinker
points to Ursa Major
a hare’s ears twitching
halfway across the field
col
Ashley.
I love your verse.
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a – prov
soul touching spring
birds in crisscross flight
**
spring returns
the raindrop to the sea
spring returns
to whispering bamboo
Thank you, _kala!
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
this spring morning –
setting your face aglow
first cool day –
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (s)
spilling from a window
Au Claire de Lune (g)
evening market,
navigating
by the scent of food (m)
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
a beach-ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c)
after the bulldust
fat drops of summer rain (l)
when was the last time?
pure joy trickles
down my cheeks (b)
an internet cafe
in Old Saigon (j)
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
first cool day –
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (s)
spilling from a window
Au Claire de Lune (g)
evening market,
navigating
by the scent of food (m)
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
a beach-ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c)
after the bulldust
fat drops of summer rain (l)
when was the last time?
pure joy trickles
down my cheeks (b)
an internet cafe
in Old Saigon (j)
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
this spring morning –
setting your face aglow (g)
Hi team, this is lovely. All of it. Technically we should not directly name two seasons. But I’m not really fussed. We *could* go with something like
this sweet morning –
setting your face aglow
But such choices don’t stop us moving on. We are on to our last non-season verse. Please read back and see what we might introduce. Not that novelty at all cost is a driver here.
Best wishes, John
Thank you John, that’s wonderful.
Not quite sure about ‘sweet’ at the moment, but will let it all keep percolating. I tried ‘bright’ or ‘warm’ but no good – her face glows for a different reason. ‘Spring’ says so much more … but perhaps something will come.
Thank you,
All best wishes,
Genevieve.
Congratulations, Genevieve
this spring morning –
setting your face aglow (g)
in the ultrasound image
all ten of his
tiny fingers
his tiny fist
in the ultrasound image
opening
lorin
…thought I’d resubmit this reworked one from earlier on, as it seems a possibility.
this spring morning –
setting your face aglow (g)
his tiny fist
on the ultrasound screen
opening
lorin
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
this spring morning –
setting your face aglow (g)
checking his watch
again, the father
of the bride
down the aisle
she pauses
to hug her father
the groom’s uncle
tells the bride’s uncle
how it can be fixed
Thanks lorin.
g’day all
Congratulations Genevieve…I love that verse!
this spring morning –
setting your face aglow (g)
her laugh lines
the only reminder
of a spirited youth
~~
this spring morning –
setting your face aglow (g)
it must be
the green fairy
absorbed in absinthe
~~
this spring morning –
setting your face aglow (g)
my gratitude to
the Plymouth Rock
for fresh eggs
~~~
this spring morning –
setting your face aglow (g)
cracked wedgewood plates
piled high
with spicy pilaf
~~~
Peace and Love
Thanks very much Barbara!
I like your ‘fresh eggs’ and ‘cracked wedgewood plates’.
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
this spring morning –
setting your face aglow (g)
lighting a candle
and saying
your name again
sorry, didn’t mean to repeat “your”:
lighting a candle
and the same prayer
over and over
this spring morning –
setting your face aglow (g)
rain steam and speed – (in italics)
Turner turns them all
into light
in Vermeer’s ‘The Letter’
that housemaid has
one up on her mistress
lorin
this spring morning –
setting your face aglow (g)
rain steam and speed (in italics)
Turner transforms them
into light
rain steam and speed (in italics)
Turner changes them all
into light
lorin
whoops…can’t have ‘rain’!
this spring morning –
setting your face aglow (g)
Keelmen Heaving in Coals. . . ( in italics)
Turner transforms them all
into light
http://www.j-m-w-turner.co.uk/turner-keelmen.htm
lorin
this spring morning –
setting your face aglow (g)
the song in the air
takes a turn
with the breeze
_kala
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
this spring morning –
setting your face aglow (g)
from the pick ‘n mix
licorice rolled
in hundreds & thousands
this spring morning –
setting your face aglow (g)
rainbow lorikeets
flush out the twitcher
in our coffee clutch
lorin
rainbow lorikeets, around all year:
http://birdsinbackyards.net/species/Trichoglossus-haematodus
first cool day –
the blackbird and I
sing, sing, sing (s)
spilling from a window
Au Claire de Lune (g)
evening market,
navigating
by the scent of food (m)
the tide too slow
I watch for your colours (a)
a beach-ride-man
unable to catch
his donkey’s hat (c)
after the bulldust
fat drops of summer rain (l)
when was the last time?
pure joy trickles
down my cheeks (b)
an internet cafe
in Old Saigon (j)
swept up with the
daily dose of litter
plum blossoms (a)
this spring morning –
setting your face aglow (g)
her laugh lines
[the only reminder]
of a spirited youth (b – prov)
Arrgh – run out of time! This is the one Barbara. Can we recast the middle line so that the tenor is more upbeat towards the protagonist – ‘her laugh lines a testament to a spirited youth’ – that kind of thing.
Sorry folks – my laptop is about to get thrown off the ward!
Team. We are effectively at ageku. I’m going to give everyone more time to think of candidates cos I think some people in some time zones are getting cut out by the turnaround speed.
This is open to everyone. It will be ‘winter.’
Best wishes, John
Congratulations, Barbara.
lorin
duh…birds!
…probably not, considering that the hokku has a blackbird.
whoops. . . we must’ve been posting at the same time, John.
her laugh lines
[the only reminder]
of a spirited youth (b – prov)
cups of cocoa
raised in salutation
lorin
her laugh lines
[the only reminder]
of a spirited youth (b – prov)
here’s cheers to hot cocoa
and the sunrise
here’s cheers to the sunrise
and hot cocoa
here’s cheers to the good years
and hot cocoa
lorin
her laugh lines
[the only reminder]
of a spirited youth (b – prov)
here’s cheers to hot cocoa
and the foxtrot
lorin
g’day all
Thanks, Lorin.
Will this revision of my verse suffice? Maybe “true symbals”? Help.
Not sure if I’m allowed to submit again but here are my thoughts:
her laugh lines
the true testament
to a spirited youth /b
melting snowflakes
on the barbie
her laugh lines
the true testament
to a spirited youth /b
cold days, my friend
we thought they’d never end…
(Do you remember this song? We started this off with a song…)
her laugh lines
the true testament
to a spirited youth /b
clarity comes
in cool clear nights
her laugh lines
the true testament
to a spirited youth /b
all wrapped up
she takes more players on
~~~
This has been such an exciting, speedy adventure, and a good learning curve. John, Ashley et al, thanks everyone
for the ride.
Peace and Love
~~~
g’day all
spelling error before…
her laugh lines
the true symbols
to a spirited youth /b
her laugh lines
symbolize
a spirited youth/b
Thanks.
Peace and Love
Congratulations Barbara.
her laugh lines
the true testament
to a spirited youth (b/prov)
it’s Dino’s refrain again –
but baby it’s cold outside
Good morning all!
You are on a roll Barbara,
I particularly love :
cold days, my friend
we thought they’d never end…
my daughter use to sing this song in school . . .
her laugh lines
[the only reminder]
of a spirited youth (b)
the little one on ice skates
a chip of the old block!
swaying to the breeze
the length of turmeric fields
*
turmeric fields is an Indian season word for winter.
we get fresh turmeric by mid Jan.
turmeric is applied on the face to keep away wrinkles, just for information!
_kala
her laugh lines
the true testament
to a spirited youth (b/prov
‘up there Cazaly’
the MCG roars
lorin
what was it mum
put in her mulled wine?
col
😉 a dram of the old team spirit?
this spring morning –
setting your face aglow (g)
her laugh lines
[the only reminder]
of a spirited youth (b – prov)
round the brazier
they pass the cup
feet out to the hearth,
how good to be home!
a wind from the pole,
your hand over mine
her laugh lines
the true testament
to a spirited youth (b/prov)
light the fire, pour the wine
it’s time for the story telling
come closer to the fire
it’s time for the story telling
her laugh lines
the true testament
to a spirited youth (b/prov)
hot pies and sauce
we all join the queue
we all join the queue
for hot pies and sauce
lorin
her laugh lines
the true testament
to a spirited youth (b/prov)
members’ stand seats
the goalposts in view
a view of the goalposts
from the members’ stand
lorin
come by the fire – it’s
time for the story telling
now by the fire – it’s
time for the story telling
her laugh lines
the true testament
to a spirited youth (b/prov)
come on, let’s go home
and light the fire
Hi,
this lovely morning – ?
setting your face aglow (g)
her laugh lines
the true testament
of a spirited youth (b – prov)
let’s hibernate
till the season turns
we’ll hibernate
till the seasons turn
(Sounds different in Frisian. l-:)
her laugh lines
the true symbols
of a spirited youth (b – prov)
punters weighing odds
for the Winter Cup.
Mysha
her laugh lines
the true testament
of a spirited youth (b)
let’s hibernate
until the season turns (m – prov)
Friends, a very experienced sabaki once said to me: “Never let an idea of ‘rules’ stand in the way of a good verse.”
In theory Mysha’s verse here is in conflict with the last-but-one on the grounds that both take authorial vperspectives that would be described as ‘ji’ in Japanese – essential as ‘first person’. But this analytic theory was propounded by Hokushi, not Basho. And I’ve just translated a passage where Basho adopts four third person verses in a row, over Hokushi’s protests – and I think just to spite him!
Anyway, Mysha’s verse is so astounding in its metaphisics that it marks a step change; it can’t be said to ‘return’ the reader to a previous part of the poem. Mysha, in the text I’ve added the extra syllable to ‘until’ purely for reasons of cadence. I hope this might be acceptable to you.
Ok team, we need to review the entire text. I can’t remember too many queries. But that’s just me. Genevieved – ‘spring’ can easily stand, if other alernatives don’t appeal to you. Specially if this poem is intended for a generalis market it is the quality of flow that is most important.
Btw – if anyone is interested in this ‘narrative perspective’ stuff I’ve got a resume up on Renku Reckoner under the More About Shift heading which is on the Link, Shift and Variety page group. You’ll find similar stuff elsewhere – like I say, Hokushi dined out on these theories claiming they were pure Basho. They weren’t. But they are a useful analytical tool to keep in the locker.
OK folks, gotta go.
Thank you all so much, John
Congratulations Mysha – great verse.
Hi John,
The only one I can think of so far that might be OK is ‘new’:
this new morning –
setting your face aglow
I don’t know though
anything else I try seems too syrupy…
The right word must be out there somewhere – does anyone have any more suggestions?
Best wishes, G.
Congratulations, Mysha… excellent verse, and a surprising turn!
lorin
I like “spring” and have no issue with it being there – after all, it’s the only directly named season in the poem, the others are “between the lines” as it were.
So far, I think “spring” is still the best word.
Congratulations Mysha – v nice verse.
_kala
g’day all
Congrats Mysha, that’s lovely.
We have summer rain and spring morning, if a change is needed, could it possibly be
morning lingers –
setting your face aglow (g)
new morning is fine by me too.
Peace and Love
Pardon me, bat, you’re right! “summer” too.
However, with that season at the end of a second line and “spring” at the start of a first line and 3 verses between, might it be enough to say “no worries”?
Hi John,
Just about ‘Au Clair de Lune’. This may not matter, but I thought I’d bring it up in case there are any music buffs among readers.
‘Au Clair de la Lune’ – is the old French folk song.
‘Clair de Lune’ – music by Debussy, a piano depiction of the Paul Verlaine poem. Also music by Faure and others.
‘Sonate au Clair de Lune’ – Beethoven’s ‘Moonlight Sonata’.
If we had ‘Clair de Lune’ it would have the connection to the Verlaine poem and I think the name would be just as familiar to many people as the folk song. Also, I think it’s music that fits well with the image ‘spilling from a window’ – the folk/children’s song seems a bit too ‘solid’ for ‘spilling’.
But, I realize the rhythm would change without ‘au’…and may not flow as well.
Whichever you think is better, the word ‘clair’ has no ‘e’.
Best wishes,
Genevieve.
Verlaine! Thanks, Genevieve, that’s interesting & something I didn’t know. Must look it up!
lorin
Hi,
Wow, and here I wasn’t sure it would come across in English. (-:
John, to me the uchikoshi is really about the other; does that make it ji-ta-han? Then the ageku is the first person talking about themselves directly, ji. Right? I’ll take another look at your explanation anyway, though.
I was in doubt about “till” or “until”, as usual, and admit I left it to the sabaki to pick the right one.
As far as I recall, the only thing left open is (Au) Clair de Lune.
Thanks,
Mysha
Hi everybody, thanks for the thoughtful review. The Debussy is indeed the most successful reference, and the metre actually seems to read better.
Inspired observation about the importance of the position in the line of the two season names. That stuff about not naming two seasons directly is anyway a purely general observation about avoiding lazy word choices – an accusation which doesn’t stick in our case, aided by the fact that there are three clear verses before the ‘repetition’.
Mysha, you are correct. In Hokushi’s terms the uchikoshi verse would be ji-ta-ha. Some would argue that in Japanese terms the tsukeku is too as it involves a rhetorical address to others. For the reasons stated I think there is so much difference in impetus and stance between the verses that there is no danger of ‘uchikoshi no kirai’ or ‘kannonbiraki’. In short – the ageku takes us forward into a metaphysical rebirth. It does not return us to any previous point in the poem. Colleagues may not be aware that English is not your first language. Bravo!
Friends, below I append the obvious title. I would like to propose that we adopt this text. I’m at the pub at the moment (glug, glug) so don’t have access to my records. Tomorrow I’ll pull up the name, surname, place, nation stuff that I have which I have for everyone but Mysha. As I recall most colleagues on the Snail publish under their given names; _kala uses a pen name. So Mysha the choice is of course yours to publish as such, or under your given name. The copyright to this text is jointly held. GDS are going to have their work cut out to decide between this poem and that generated on the other strand!
Best wishes, John
Mysha’s ‘place’ is The Netherlands ( Holland, as it once was in English)
Lorin
Thanks John – it all looks great.
Just one thing, there’s no ‘e’ on ‘Clair’ in ‘Clair de Lune’.
It’s been another wonderful experience with everyone – thank you John for all your time …(especially in hospital?) and all your teaching along the way. Each Renku feels better than the last!
Thank you Ashley for this great site – it all just gets better and better.
When there’s time and space – my hand will shoot up for another one.
…very happy that ‘spring morning’ was OK in the end.
All best wishes to everyone,
Genevieve.
Yes, apart from that superfluous ‘e’ that Genevieve mentions …we don’t want the impression that a woman named Claire is a tad soaked and spilling out of the window, I think 😉 …it’s looking good and flowing beautifully.
My thanks to you, John, for sabaki-ing these two renku with your usual style & vigour, despite hospital. I’ve really enjoyed the challenge of ‘speed renku’ and working with everyone here.
lorin
Hi Everyone,
Just reading through it again & something caught my eye – isn’t it usually ‘testament to’ something instead of ‘testament of’?
‘true testament
to a spirited youth’ ?
All the best,
G.
and I hope you’re feeling better John – being sabaki while in hospital must certainly be above the call of duty! Thank you!
yes, that’s the usual, Genevieve. 🙂 I admit to not saying anything this time, though I noticed it too. Was a bit worried I’d said too much of a critical nature already. Glad that you did.
Though prepositional idioms do vary around the world , (which is why they’re so difficult for ESL learners) and I did have the 2nd thought that ‘testament of’ might be the norm in some parts of the English speaking world.
lorin
yes! I agree, above & beyond! thank you, John
Hi,
I recently got published as Mysha, with a haiga in Notes from the Gean, so let’s stick with that.
For those who don’t mind politics I’m from “Frisia”; otherwise you could use “The Netherlands”. Note that Frisians are never from “Holland”; that’s like telling Scotsmen they’re from England.
And yes, this was fun. Speedy, but maybe that was part of the attraction. That, and sharing it with all of you.
Thanks,
Mysha
Mysha I am a scotsman from england lol
i was born in england to an english father
and scottish mother and brought up in scotland
and i have chosen to live in scotland
so i am 60% scottish
and 40% english
no wonder i am a crazy mixed-up kid
my details:
Colin Stewart Jones
Aberdeen, Scotland
g’day John, all
I’d much prefer to see:
her laugh lines
true testament
to a spirited youth
It all looks good and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that we have success in publishing somewhere….
Thanks Ashley, for this space, and to John for his guidance,
and to all for making this exciting journey. After recuperation hopefully we can make nother trip.
Peace and Love
Barbara A Taylor
NSW Australia
Hi everybody, herewith the completed text which I respectfully propose we allow Ashley to submit to GDS on our collective behalf.
I’ll get a brief tomegaki (poem leader’s commentary) online tomorrow.
Thanks everybody, this has been a blast! John
Tomegaki
The term means something like ‘closure words’ – it refers to the semi formal practice of a poem leader (sabaki) giving a debrief once a composition is ended – drawing together some strands of thought that have arisen during composition. Personally I find it really useful as it obliges me to reflect on my own practice.
The composition of these poems has been a unique experience. The submission deadline was already a constraint – though from experience I’d expect to be able to push a ‘remote’ composition through at a little more than 48 hours a verse (we averaged more like 36). What made it so particular was the unpredictable access to the internet due to a series of unanticipated stays in this and that hospital. One minute I was at home, with an optical broadband connection to a light-speed computer, next I was trying to use some antedeluvian television-based public access system which took four hours to type and upload as many paragraphs. This is not an exaggeration!
So first to go was the ability to respond with even the minimum courtesy to all sorts of excellent queries and observations made during the composition. Next to go was the ability to track who was posting what candidate verses as the very cut down mobile interfaces I was able to get access to on most days didn’t hold the formatting which the ‘normal’ site allows. Most disconcertingly of all, I was left with little or no ‘wriggle room’ – the space in which I am used to agonising over this or that aspect of verse selection. Hell – it was hard enough to know which of the two strands I was in!
I had little option but to select a verse at a single read-through, generally without knowing the author. So it is really interesting that each poem has a similar and broad spread of contributors. And that no person is represented more than twice in any given poem. On one level this simply indicates that there were a lot of excellent people offering excellent alternatives. But it also says something about the particular and peculiar nature of renku – the massive paradox that the more disparate the elements it draws in, the greater the unity it may achieve. Because, trust me, these are both good poems which make the most of the Junicho form.
I have been mincing around the edges of metaphysics recently in order to present an overview of the historic and contemporary approaches to variety and change in a renku sequence – the article Occurrence and Recurrence is finally up on Renku Reckoner. To be honest I tend to resist all that sub-hippie bulldust about ‘cosmic gestalts’. And yet these poems are the most tangible proof I’ve ever witnessed that ideas of ‘renku as mandala’ are bang on the money.
Maybe it’s simply down to all that morphine they’ve been giving me! John
Thank you, John! Hope you’re feeling better (not morphine better though, perhaps ‘real’ better!) and for leading and teaching us once again, thank you.
I’m putting the submission together tomorrow night, so our two renku will fly off to the mercies of GDS soon, but I will try and leave these up until we get word from the eds. Gives everyone more time to have a read.
Ashley
Q & A
Hi folks, I’m going back into dry dock for a little while and will need to recuperate. But I’m working on the idea of getting a friend and colleague to offer to lead a poem at The Snail. Watch this space.
Meanwhile I’m looking for all those basic questions people want to ask about renku in order to put together a Frequently Asked type page on Renku Reckoner. This might be particularly useful for people who are a bit shy, and new to the genre (i.e. most of us!).
Please post any such queries to john@renkureckoner.co.uk with something like FAQ or Q&A in the subject line. Published queries will not be attributed.
Best wishes, John
best for your health john
as a note of continuity
this renku , u have me from aberdeen
and aberdeenshire in t’other
col
Hi John,
If you’re using “shires” and provinces for everyone else, please note that my region is Bay of Plenty (Tauranga is the city).
Thanks.
Just a note to all the great writers involved with this Junicho (reading and writing). Please note that the closing date for the Katikati Haiku Contest is rapidly approaching – April 16.
Find entry details here:
http://www.poetrysociety.org.nz/haikunews/competitions
Many thanks for your support for this great project,
Sandra
Thanks, Sandra! Good luck to everyone who enters!
And good luck to our two Junicho – both of which are now with GDS.
Fingers crossed!
Sabaki ahoy (and a real one too)!
Hi everybody, here’s some excellent news. My friend, colleague and mentor Eiko Yachimoto will shortly be offering to lead a poem on The Snail.
For all her personal humility Eiko has been an absolutely central figure in what might be called the ‘second wave’ of the spread of renku theory and practice into English.
Working alongside colleagues in the Association for International Renku she has been instrumental in furthering an understanding of the potential for renku to develop as a unified world literature rather than fracture along cultural/linguistic grounds (as has tended to be the case with haiku).
Eiko is expert in all aspects of contemporary renku from neo-classical approaches to the Kasen right the way through to the radical and challenging Rokku which has begun to attract much interest in Japan and elsewhere. I suspect that on The Snail she may choose to adopt the Shisan, Nijuin or Kasen – any and all of which will be a revealing contrast to my recent focus on the Junicho and Triparshva.
In short, I urge you to check back – don’t miss the project’s opening – and participate directly or follow attentively.
Eiko’s command of language is highly nuanced – she publishes in both Japanese and English – so you’ve got a treat lined up.
Enjoy! John
ps – you guys are pretty familiar with my style. You are about to experience the real deal. I hope the sum of the experience might lead you to consider what *your* style might be as sabaki.
Wow, fantastic, John! Thanks for setting this up – pretty exciting stuff, we’ll definitely keep an eye out!
Sounds great John.
Best wishes,
Genevieve.
Greetings, Snailers!
Just popping in with some news, I’ve been approached to lead a ‘zombie’ renku at Cordite and we’re kicking off today, love to have everyone’s support!
Ash
http://www.cordite.org.au/newsblog/zombie-haikunaut-renga-instructions/
g’day John
I’ve had the pleasure of working and publishing renku with Eiko before and I most certainly look forward to participating with her again. She is a wonderful sabaki.
Peace and Love
Hi everybody, sorry to butt into the strand. I’ve set up a page ‘Exercises’ to take any subsequent exchanges.
http://www.renkureckoner.co.uk/beta
I’ve been working on some exercises to add to the Renku Reckoner site. They are in a temporary folder at the url above.
I’d be very grateful if people would have a look and give any kind of feedback on this site or direct to johncarley at virginmedia dot com
Specifically – there’s an exercise there based on a very old Chinese verse form that might qualify for a little more serious consideration. Please have a look at the Haizekku (provisionial name, might be ‘New Zekku’).
As you’ll see there’s provision on the page for some exemplars. How do you fancy attempting some?
PS – my friend and colleague Eiko Yachimoto has picked up some finger damage with consequent difficulty typing these last several weeks. Hence the no show to date in terms of a further short poem led by her.
Please post any comments (or Haizekku first verses etc) you might wish to make in this strand.
Best wishes, John
Hi everybody, sorry to butt into the strand. Good news though.
After becoming involved in an altercation between a large piece of bamboo and a very sharp knife the internationally renowned renku poet Eiko Yachimoto has managed to reattach all her typing fingers. She will therefore shortly be appearting here at The Snail in order to lead a new sequence.
Accordingly check out the page New Sequence (tab at head of this page). Soonest.
Best wishes, John
Hi everyone, bad news, GDS have passed on our speed renku, so it’s on to the next market!
More news soon