Drafts & Discussions (John’s ‘Speed Junicho’ One)

As John mentioned at the end of the last Triparshva, we’ve got an opportunity to submit something to the special, 30th Anniversary edition of Going Down Swinging, who are bringing a haiku section in, but who are also willing to look at a shorter renku – hence our call for writers to participate in one or even two Junicho!

So, jump in with a candidate for the hokku, in a season of your choice!

The catch? We have to finish just before subs close on the 31st of March…

(from John)

Call for hokku submissions.

Hi everybody, Ashley has managed to get the respected lit. mag. Going Down Swinging to consider publishing renku in it’s 30th anniversary issue. Which is great. He pointed them at the text of our recent Trip as a ‘for instance’ but they’ve hummed and hawed about ‘very good, but prefer to think of shorter space’ etc. So the solution is to write another!

Only thing is that the deadline is 30 days away. We *should* be able to turn a Junicho around in 24 days. There are actually good reasons why working to this kind of time pressure is potentially a positive (see the guff about ‘fourth locus of change’ in the article Occurrence and Recurrence just posted to the Link, Shift and Variety sub menu on Renku Reckoner) – search strings could include ‘ba’, ‘za’, and ‘kaiseki’

So let’s just do it.

Call for hokku candidates. Your current season. Plus, if it isn’t already, an early autumn candidate as it could be wise to ease a new audience into the unfamiliar with a hokku that chimes with when they’re picking up the mag.

Best wishes, John

265 Responses to Drafts & Discussions (John’s ‘Speed Junicho’ One)

  1. Sandra says:

    walking
    to meet it –
    summer rain

    first cool day –
    the blackbird & I
    sing, sing, sing

  2. lorin says:

    Duh! I posted these in the wrong place…’current junicho’. Here they are again:

    ‘…so head
    on over to the snail and post a hokku canditdate!’ Ashley

    ok, here’s some Summer offers:

    shadows of clouds
    cross the lucerne field –
    a new rumour

    summer grasses
    the pup follows his nose
    until the echidna

    summer storm –
    a dozen gold beetles
    light up the fly-screen

    … two more occurred, so here they are:

    slack tide –
    the evening star clicks
    into place

    mud-crabs
    clicking in the mangroves –
    evening lull

    … all Summer ones, though. Can’t imagine Winter right now!

    lorin

  3. lorin says:

    Would you be able to delete my postings on the ‘current Junicho’ thread, please, Ashley?

    Lorin

  4. lorin says:

    …or, as a variation of my first offer:

    a cloud shadow
    crosses the lucerne field –
    small town rumours

    lorin

  5. ashleycapes says:

    dipping her quill
    into the night
    a mosquito

    dipping their quills
    in the night
    mosquitoes

    maybe too abstract for hokku, I’ll try some more tomorrow

  6. lorin says:

    lumps in the duckweed
    the heron a study
    of stillness

    lorin

  7. lorin says:

    …a variation of ‘slack tide’:

    the lull at dusk –
    stars begin to click
    into place

    lorin

  8. g’day all

    herewith some offers:

    into the mists
    a flying aussie
    grabs the gold

    spring rains
    a poddy-calf
    sucks on my fingers

    peace and love

  9. Sandra says:

    And some more from me:

    hot wind –
    the water in the bucket
    trembles

    heat lightning –
    the steel-blue ladybird
    hunkers down

    (Halmus chalybeus, if anyone’s interested, first introduced here from Australia in 1899.)

    Lorin, I like your “the lull at dusk” and the first version of “shadows of clouds”. Very nice.

    • lorin says:

      Hi Sandra 😉 thanks… love the colour-scape in your ladybird ku! …and I’ve visited the kasen (first time for a while) and loved that image of sons hanging on the persimmon tree. (a recent breast screen gave me the whereto to respond, too 😉 )

  10. g’day all

    here are a few more offers:

    newly arrived –
    chirps from up high
    on a nest of sticks

    a shrouded orchard –
    screeching cockatoos strip
    fresh pecan nuts

    summer moon
    an orange glow peeps
    above the horizon

    peace and love

  11. Willie says:

    Hey ya’ll!

    seed planting
    anticipating color
    in brick and stone

    northern windows
    the lingering cold
    in light and shadow

    halcyon days
    in river city
    harvest moon

    harvest moon
    halcyon days
    in river city

  12. Willie says:

    above the lake
    a sea of shining stars
    the rush of owl’s wings

  13. lorin says:

    Hi all 😉 Good to see you all here again…this one’s filling up quickly and it does seem as though there will be enough players for two junicho!

    I doubt that GDS would accept more than one, though.

    I think I got the preposition wrong in the heron ku, so, a variation:

    lumps in the duckweed
    the heron a study
    in stillness

    lorin

  14. ashleycapes says:

    I agree, Lorin, they’d surely not have room for two, John was thinking it might be nice to offer them a choice between 2 renku, might increase our chances? I’m hopin’ too!

    Ok, 2 more from me for now – trying to have some fun with summer:

    peeking from grass
    the bald head
    of a tennis ball

    strange rain
    this early in summer
    chubby drops

  15. Willie says:

    Bellamy, knees creaking, just scored for Man City. but after last night, he’s just a half-pint in comparison-

    the perfect stone
    curls across the ice
    cold moon

    (I think I’m in love!)

    • lorin says:

      Is that ice hockey, Willie?

      Lorin

      • Willie says:

        No dear, the Canadian and Swedish woman vied for the gold medal in Olympic curling last night. It was quite the…uh, match. Tied at the end until a sudden death…umm, sortie. (oh, what’s the name of each segment???!!!)

        Each time the ladies would throw (slide?) a stone, the camera would close up from a face-on shot, so to speak. The look of total concentration on their faces, their eyes (the most attractive feature of any woman, imo) focused on the mark, the posture, nearly prone at full stretch, their wrists, hands and fingers, and the intensity of their shouts directing the sweepers (manipulating the ice in front of a moving stone), well, as odd as it sounds, I was mesmerized.

        I’d relate it to kyudo, the Japanese art of archery, “the way of the bow”.

        Sweden took the gold, by the way.

      • Mysha says:

        (I hope this goes below Willie.)

        The 11th end.

        (And I didn’t get to see it because some quarter or semi finals in other sports were considered must-broadcasts. Curling Finals!
        Oh, well. Stuff Dutch don’t do on the ice (very well). Pursuit, Hockey, Curling.)

        Mysha

  16. Mysha says:

    Hi,

    Seen day before yesterday:

    last patches of snow
    at noon the sun is shining
    the first rays of spring

    Maybe they might accept both if there was a marked difference. Would anyone take the challenge of a full 5/7 English language Junicho, to contrast a more minimal free length one?

    free from winter storms
    the sky is holding its breath
    waiting for bird song

    under a grey sky
    dawn crawling along the dyke
    a grey gull wheeling

    Mysha

  17. Mysha says:

    And early autumn, he said:

    the seasoned farm hand
    he leans against the tractor
    as he whets his scythe

  18. lorin says:

    ok, early autumn, too:

    milky way
    a fossil jellyfish
    among the gemstones

    lorin

  19. lorin says:

    river of stars —
    picking shirt buttons out
    of the button jar

    lorin

  20. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Hi everyone,

    one golden leaf
    among the green –
    first day of autumn

    reds and golds
    between the green –
    autumn morning

  21. Genevieve Osborne says:

    city lights tremble
    in the harbour
    we button our jackets

  22. Genevieve Osborne says:

    city lights quiver
    in the harbour
    first autumn evening

  23. Genevieve Osborne says:

    light rain
    on Tumbledown Hill –
    autumn leaves

  24. Genevieve Osborne says:

    one more:

    country show – farmers
    arranging their rows
    of autumn pickles

  25. Sandra says:

    three weeks later –
    the poppy wreaths
    bled of their colour

  26. lorin says:

    ‘river of stars’ revised:

    river of stars –
    choosing shirt buttons
    from the button jar

    lorin

  27. lorin says:

    ‘Notes From the Gean’ Issue #4 is now online. We now have a haibun section, too.

    Many thanks to all who have submitted work over the past year.

    http://www.geantree.com/indexcover.html

    Please note the changes to the submission policy. The deadline for Issue #5 (online June 1st) is March 30th, but submissions may be sent at any time. Submissions that are received after March 30th will be held over to be considered for issue #6.

    Lorin

  28. John Carley says:

    Hi everybody, thanks for the rapid and wibnderfully varied resonses. I’m not entirely sure how to best facilitate this with so much quality input on offer. For the moment I’d like to suggest we go with two strands. Both of which remain open to all who would wishe to submit candidates. At some stage later, assuming both run, it might be best to break up into teams. For the moment though I’d like to propose the following twin track approach.

    Strand One:

    river of stars –
    choosing shirt buttons
    from the button jar

    lorin

    among the green
    a single golden leaf

    genevieve (provisional)

    Should Genevieve feel able to accep this abridgement of her verse as the wakiku we go to verse three. Verse three is non-season. It is probably best if it has (a) directly drawn human protagonist(s). In so far as we are asking an audience completely new to renku to have their intentions of ‘logical’ development outraged I think it is more important than ever that we pay heed to the phonics of our poem(s).

    If Gen would prefer to decline this wakiku (and no explanations are either necessary or appropriate) we go to moon.

    ……………….

    Strand Two:

    first cool day –
    the blackbird & I
    sing, sing, sing

    sandra

    This autumn verse asks for an autumn wakiku. We *could* consider ‘moon’ here but that is not a requirement.

    Best wishes, John

  29. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Hi John,

    That’s fine with me for the wakiku.

    Best wishes, G.

  30. g’day all,

    Congrats to Lorin and Genevieve.

    Herewith my offers to Strand One:

    among the green
    a single golden leaf / g

    no invitations
    for the spinster
    on the hill

    or

    teeing off
    she pulls a muscle
    before a hole in one

    or

    still going strongly,
    the old lady is pulled
    by her dog

    Peace and Love

  31. ashleycapes says:

    Yes, congrats! Great verses!

    river of stars –
    choosing shirt buttons
    from the button jar/l

    among the green
    a single golden leaf/g

    a pile of shredding
    and the letter
    ‘e’ left over

    • lorin says:

      a pile of shredding
      and the letter
      ‘e’ left over

      well, I love this one, Ashley!

      Interesting, ‘the e on the stone’, an ancient and probably indecipherable thing, intriguing, but without a context….and here’s your contemporary version…have you read Charles Olsen’s earlier poems?

      lorin

  32. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Thanks for the congrats Barbara and Ash. I like your ‘no invitations’ Barbara and love your ”e’ left over’ Ashley.

  33. Willie says:

    Strand Two:

    first cool day –
    the blackbird & I
    sing, sing, sing

    sandra

    caught in the rain,
    we’re soaked to the bone

  34. Sandra says:

    river of stars –
    choosing shirt buttons
    from the button jar

    lorin

    among the green
    a single golden leaf

    genevieve

    following his nose
    the old dog
    ends up in the nepeta

    picking petals
    for tea
    from the marigolds

  35. Sandra says:

    or

    at the bottom
    of the caddy
    chrysanethemum

    • lorin says:

      at the bottom
      of the caddy
      chrysanethemum

      hey, Sandra…very nice progression on ‘leaf’. Chrysanthemum tea!

      lorin

      • Sandra says:

        Thanks, Lorin. I loved your “shirt buttons” by the way, could see it immediately.

  36. kala says:

    Well John and all,
    Am I too late to be joining in?
    Do let me know,
    _kala

  37. lorin says:

    Kala..offer ku to either or both streams… these ones are going to be quickies. 😉

    lorin

  38. kala says:

    Thanks!!

    I need to familiarize myself with what’s going on!!!
    Will get back!
    _kala

  39. kala says:

    river of stars –
    choosing shirt buttons
    from the button jar/l

    among the green
    a single golden leaf/g

    “hey look” she says,
    her toothy white laughter
    on my camera lens/ _k

    .

  40. kala says:

    Strand Two:

    first cool day –
    the blackbird & I
    sing, sing, sing

    sandra

    as we walk the moon
    up a hill path /_k

  41. Sandra says:

    river of stars –
    choosing shirt buttons
    from the button jar/l

    among the green
    a single golden leaf/g

    shelling peas,
    our conversation
    turns blue

  42. Mysha says:

    river of stars –
    choosing shirt buttons
    from the button jar (lorin)

    among the green
    a single golden leaf (genevieve)

    the mirrored scissors
    are carefully manoeuvred
    to one hair of grey

    mediocre scores
    but an A for literature
    as she likes poems

    the first-timer shouts
    as he pockets the cue ball
    and the old men cringe

  43. John Carley says:

    river of stars –
    choosing shirt buttons
    from the button jar

    lorin

    among the green
    a single golden leaf

    genevieve

    following his nose
    the old dog
    ~~~~~~~~~~~

    sandra

    Hi team, this is the one. But I think it strongly recommened to avoid particular plants and similar because they tend to automatically gain a seasonal accretion. One alternative I can think of links to the idea of seasonal cycles. But there will be others. Sandra – where do we go?

    Here’s my take. John

    river of stars –
    choosing shirt buttons
    from the button jar

    lorin

    among the green
    a single golden leaf

    genevieve

    following his nose
    the old dog
    runs in circles

    sandra

  44. Sandra says:

    Thanks John – I don’t mind your “runs in circles”, but would also like to offer:

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone

    and

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new friend

    Your choice!

  45. lorin says:

    well, I like the connection between the dog running in circles and Genevieve’s ‘single golden leaf’. It livens things up, as it (seems to me) to show a willi-willi in operation, whirling the ‘single golden leaf’ around.

    well, I would, wouldn’t I? (wish I knew how to do the rolling eyes smiley, here…I’ve just now recalled:

    willi-willi
    the golden retriever’s
    giddy orbit

    ‘a wattle seedpod’ )

    (willi-willi = ‘dust devil’ to anyone in the USA who might be reading…a mini whirlwind)

    lorin

  46. John Carley says:

    river of stars –
    choosiing shirt buttons
    from the button jar

    among the green
    a single golden leaf

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone/friend

    Sorry for my scrappy responses to so much quality input. I’m stuck in dry dock with the world’s least user friendly kit.

    Of the two i think I prefer ‘bone’ but either could easily call for a ‘love’ verse! There are of course other routes, but I do think we need a ‘people’ verse. We stay open to all submissions.

    Please indicate which end word you intend per candidate verse and work on people-no season-poss.love.

    Best wishes, John

    • lorin says:

      Trying this as a last resort, as the system won’t let me post below:

      following his nose
      the old dog
      finds a new bone/friend
      (Sandra)

      jingle-jangle
      go the third wife’s
      chandelier earrings

      Lorin

  47. Mysha says:

    Hi,

    among the green
    a single golden leaf

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone

    “I found him in the park, ma.
    Can I bring him home with me?”

    Her holiday photograph
    With her backpack and boyfriend

    Mysha

  48. ashleycapes says:

    One from me!

    among the green
    a single golden leaf

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone

    he’s gonna mess around
    now that it’s dark

  49. g’day all

    some offers:

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new friend/s

    surprise! e-harmony
    comes up trumps

    or

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone/sandra

    so fragile,
    this bonnie babe in arms

    and just for fun:

    following his nose
    the old dog
    runs in circles

    bliss, a ménage a trios
    every three days

    Peace and Love

  50. lorin says:

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone/friend
    (Sandra)

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle

    lorin

  51. lorin says:

    whew! it’s working again. I’ve tried to post versions of that for hours!

    lorin

  52. lorin says:

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone
    (Sandra)

    the eye at the knothole
    gets a hose-down

    death by consumption
    sketched from life

    lorin

  53. John Carley says:

    river of stars –
    choosing shirt buttons
    from the button jar (l)

    among the green
    a single golden leaf (g)

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone (s)

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    Hi everybody, this is a text book progression of senses: tactile to visual to smell to sound. And a really catty link to ‘old dog+bone’!

    Not sure where next – a ‘true love’ verse could work as a reproof to Lorin. But that’s not a demand from me. I do think it’s too soon for ‘moon’, and if we go to a season it should be winter or summer. Prob non season is best. Poss love. But all welcome. We stay open and competitive.

    Thanks folks. The time pressure feels quite creative to me. Best, John

  54. ashleycapes says:

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone (s)

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    afterward
    I make the bed
    most memories aren’t this cruel

    sorry, having trouble producing verses at the mo. and love is a brutal verse position!

  55. John Carley says:

    Agreed Ashley. We are in good company though – Basho ducked them whenever poss!

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle

    lips and nipples
    even when she tries
    to think of boys

    See what mean – rubbish. John

    ps – love is not obligatory here

  56. Genevieve Osborne says:

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    as Madame Butterfly sings
    he gazes at the girl
    in the third row

  57. kala says:

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone (s)

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts

    I turn and you’ve gone far ahead!!!!!
    Nice verses!
    _kala

  58. kala says:

    I’m not getting follow-up comments from here!!

    • ashleycapes says:

      Hi _kala, is the notification feature playing up? I’ve checked at this end and it looks ok – but then, the site has been having a few different probs lately

  59. Sandra says:

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone (s)

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    the velvet curtain
    rises
    ruffle by ruffle

    as the overture begins,
    rubbing shoulders
    with a stranger

    dancing
    with a stranger
    in the hall of mirrors

  60. Genevieve Osborne says:

    or perhaps:

    concealed in his opera box
    he gazes
    at the girl below

  61. Genevieve Osborne says:

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    Pretty Woman starts
    to play, the girl on the corner
    turns his way

  62. g’day all

    good one, lorin!

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    the busker’s sign reads:
    please, put a penny
    in this old man’s hat

    peace and love

  63. oh no, old again…correction:

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    the busker’s sign reads:
    please, put a penny
    in this poor man’s hat

    peace and love

  64. her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    in the limelight
    she throws another winner
    at the tables

    peace and love

  65. her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    good fortune comes
    in a mega jackpot
    at the pokies

    Peace and Love

  66. her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    good fortune comes
    in a mega jackpot
    at the pokies

    or

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    hey, buddy
    can you spare a dime…
    I’m broke

    Peace and Love

  67. Genevieve Osborne says:

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    this morning it all looks
    less than lovely –
    tired and tawdry

    or

    this morning it all looks
    less than lovely –
    tawdry

    • Genevieve Osborne says:

      whoops – I meant to post this on Strand Two page – but then again maybe “this morning” links back to “evening market” – so perhaps it’s better here.

  68. ashleycapes says:

    Hi Genevieve, would you like me to switch it over?

    In the meantime, here’s one from me, just for fun

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone (s)

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    home late
    Nick Cave decides
    to let love in

    • Genevieve Osborne says:

      Hi Ashley, yes, thanks – as I intended it to follow the ‘colours’ it would be better over there – even though I’m not sure about a link between morning/evening.

      Your verse is lovely. Thanks.

  69. John Carley says:

    river of stars –
    choosing shirt buttons
    from the button jar (l)

    among the green
    a single golden leaf (g)

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone (s)

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    Superb. Absolutely wonderful change of pace from _kala. Specially if we do end up with a generalist audience who might well be wondering – ‘Where is the “I” in all of this?’

    Normally the Junicho would tend to a single winter verse. But one reading surely yearns for a ‘deep cold’ to respond to _kala. We *could* go to moon too. Strangely, because of the particular characteristics of the Junicho, we could also go to ‘blossom’. Now then – ‘winter blossom’ – that sounds interesting!

    But none of these musings are an absolute direction from me. More in the way of grateful maunderings ‘cos I’m out on parole for a few days.

    Let’s keep up the pressure. We stay open to all. We go to a ‘short’ verse which actualy will be *short*. Other than that everything is open.

    Good work so far team. As the English intelligensia are wont to remark: ” Make ’em ‘ave it!”

    Best wishes, John

  70. Genevieve Osborne says:

    congratulations _kala

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    an owl hoot
    slides across the ice

  71. kala says:

    Thanks John!!!

    Really happy this “I “was chosen!
    _kala

  72. g’day all

    Good one Kala!

    Thanks Lorin for comments on the pokies.

    some offers:

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    mesmerized by prisms
    on frozen catkins

    or

    tonight’s a pale moon,
    more than washed out

    a kiss on the cheeks
    under winter sakura

    another icy moon-
    washing their dirty dishes

    traces of Dracula
    on frosted blood

    peace and love

  73. Sandra says:

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    a toast, then
    to ice-fishing

    in a white bowl
    the glow of oranges

    (but does this echo too closely V2 with its colours?)

    snowfall, wishing
    it were the last

    splintering iced puddles
    with a whoop & a holler

    stiff with frost
    the web revealed

  74. lorin says:

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    another blue whale
    for ‘scientific purposes’

    lorin

  75. lorin says:

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    the moon finds us
    in his heated plunge pool

    lorin

  76. lorin says:

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    and what of frost flowers
    fine-etched by moonlight?

    lorin

  77. Genevieve Osborne says:

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    moon
    dreaming

    is that the moon
    caught beneath ice?

    the moon – caught
    in the frozen lake

    moon dreaming
    as the snow falls

    moonlight – falling
    through snow

    moonlight –
    iced on the lake

  78. Willie says:

    Oh, baby, I’ve been lost…

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone (s)

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    winter mums
    whiter than snow

    in moonlight,
    shards of ice

    through moonlit shards of ice

    with one cold look
    the glass shatters

    the iron moon
    through shattered windowpanes
    (a true story)

    through the glass
    arriving unharmed

    a walk on the ice
    to catch my breath

    • lorin says:

      well, pleased to see you back, Willie. 😉

      …but what happened to the moon haiku I sent you? It disappeared from the comments, but didn’t show up anywhere else.

      Did ya trash it?

      lorin

  79. Willie says:

    somebody say short?

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass

  80. g’day all

    revision:

    tonight’s pale moon
    washed out

    peace and love

  81. Genevieve Osborne says:

    no moon tonight
    hold the lantern high

    so pale
    the morning moon

  82. Genevieve Osborne says:

    last one:

    a tiny chink of moonlight,
    just enough

  83. John Carley says:

    river of stars –
    choosing shirt buttons
    from the button jar (l)

    among the green
    a single golden leaf (g)

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone (s)

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    Hi all, sorry for the delay – after our performance against the mighty Wolves I just had to go and get drunk!

    Again, thanks for the embarassment of riches. This harsh verse of from Willie has great resonance with _kala’s maeku. And we have just asserted ‘iron moon’ as a winter kigo. Nice one.

    There’s a very marginal chance of return between ‘chandelier’ and ‘glass’ in this verse. I don’t think it is strong enough to matter, but I’m just putting out a heads up.

    Let’s go forward. I am immensely impressed with people’s generosity and commitment. So let’s stay open to all and ‘competitive’.

    Best wishes, John

  84. Willie says:

    Thanks. There’s a story here, set in winter, but another time perhaps.

  85. kala says:

    Just for fun, posting a love verse here!

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    her eyes
    kohl lined and alluring
    she gestures to him

    or

    her eyes
    kohl lined and alluring
    she invites him in

  86. John Carley says:

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    ———–

    and here and here
    a missing temple bell,
    deep resonance

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things

    Best wishes, John

  87. g’day all

    Herewith some offers:

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    “`

    over the yardarm…
    sharing cocktails
    on the mountaintop

    river deep
    mountain high
    and higher

    attention! be wary
    if you dare vote
    today

    ~

    Peace and Love

  88. Mysha says:

    Hi,

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    two lonely squatters
    sharing a derelict house
    and sharing blankets

    Mysha

  89. colin stewart jones says:

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    ____________

    a reflection
    of the ‘Fat Elvis’
    shoots the TV

    Alan Clark
    loved it when Maggie
    showed some leg

    col

    is reflection and thoughts cannon buryani

  90. ashleycapes says:

    John’s ‘missing bell’ caught my eye, I’m throwing in a vote for that verse even as I submit one here!

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    trees line the streets
    but not a peep
    from spring

    hmmm…perhaps too close to _kala’s – I’ll try again later!

  91. lorin says:

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    confiscation list:
    four catseyes two aggies
    and a beachball

    lorin

  92. lorin says:

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    confiscated:
    four catseyes two aggies
    and a beachball

  93. lorin says:

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    confiscated:
    four catseyes two aggies
    one beachball

    lorin

  94. lorin says:

    or:

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    confiscated:
    four catseyes two aggies
    one jasper

    lorin

  95. John Carley says:

    river of stars –
    choosing shirt buttons
    from the button jar (l)

    among the green
    a single golden leaf (g)

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone (s)

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (J)

    Hi everybody, I’ve bitten the bullet and gone with my own verse here. We have gone from ‘shatter’ to ‘myriad’. I think the answering verse needs to ‘reunify’. Not sure how!

    We could go to spring, and we could go to summer, and were we to do either we could also treat the position as ‘blossom/flower’. But we could also stay non-season. We need to move away from the abstract though.

    Onwards! John

  96. Mysha says:

    Hi

    OK, I’ll take the easy one

    One thousand pieces
    And two hours of puzzling:
    A cherry blossom

    Mysha

  97. kala says:

    Lovely verse John!

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (J)

    a birdsong weaves in
    the slanting sunbeams

  98. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Yes, a lovely verse John.

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of then thousand things (j)

    champagne and pictures
    of the ancestors, a family reunion

  99. Genevieve Osborne says:

    or maybe just:

    champagne and the ancestors –
    a family reunion

    from three continents,
    a family reunion

  100. Mysha says:

    Oops.
    Doing this at work between classes, I made it too easy by confusing the line counts. Sorry. It should have been something like:

    Two hours of puzzling
    fit the jigsaw together.

    Hm, sounds a bit like Humpty Dumpty, doesn’t it?
    All the kings men
    Had scrambled eggs.

    I’m not sure that counts as together, though. Anyway, they’re probably to close to the shattered glass.

    I like the champagne and the ancestors version.
    (I fear, too often that’s “some beers and old feuds again” instead. I’d much rather be in a champagne reunion then. (-:)

    I go through the shopping list
    for the feast of this evening

    Mysha

    so I have to say “I love you”
    in a song

  101. Genevieve Osborne says:

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (j)

    the arras on the wall
    is hiding a secret door

  102. Genevieve Osborne says:

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (j)

    the intricate arras
    hides a door to a passage

    an intricate arras
    hides the door to a passage

  103. ashleycapes says:

    ok, here’s one try from me

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (J)

    new shoots
    white arrms exposed

    /

    new shoots
    white arrms in a singlet

    ?

  104. g’day all

    interesting verse, John….

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (j)

    lost in translation
    somewhere in the archives

    or

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (j)

    listed in the museum
    the bones of our past

    Peace and Love

  105. a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (j)

    only one bank
    with a friendly dragon

    or

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (j)

    which butterfly feeds
    on aristolochia praevenosa?

    (I’d like the name of the vine to be italics.)

    Peace and Love

  106. Willie says:

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (J)

    (a / one ) plume(s) of thistle down
    in the iced tea

    cottonwood seed drifts
    through the open window

  107. lorin says:

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (j)

    doing nothing
    a rose is a rose

    just as they are
    knots in the driftwood

    lorin

  108. lorin says:

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (j)

    under the wisteria
    with his jade abacus

    lorin

  109. lorin says:

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (j)

    beneath the wisteria
    a jade abacus

    lorin

  110. ashleycapes says:

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (J)

    cherry blossoms fry/shrivel
    on corrugated iron

    damn it, that probably goes back to ‘shattered’

    • lorin says:

      I like ‘corrugated iron’.

      How about ‘gumnuts clunk’? — Summer

      lorin

      • lorin says:

        well, yes ‘iron’ probably commits ‘kannonbiraki’, but you could always use gumnuts and make it into a haiku, with the right 3rd line? 😉

        lorin

      • ashleycapes says:

        That’s not a bad idea at all, Lorin! Cool.

        Yeah re: ‘iron’ def goes back. I was also worried about having shattered & shrivelled etc, those two destructive words so close together. sigh!

  111. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Hi Barbara,

    Great name. A reply:

    grateful birdwing butterflies
    fluttering to the vine

  112. g’day Genevieve

    Yes, I just love pointing out this vine..the name rolls so beautifully on the tongue.

    The Richmond Birdwing is quite exquisite! I am lucky to see them from time to time.

    Peace and Love

  113. lorin says:

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (J)

    with a deep bow
    Laozi hands over the Way

    ….or Lao Tsu

    lorin

  114. john carley says:

    Hi team – back on dodgy kit so can’t cut and paste.

    This is a tough spot. or all that I cautioned against @the abstract’ I think the link is Ashley’s

    “lost in translation”

    but I think line two needs more ‘distance’ in order to move the reader further on. I would advocate “the bones of our past” from his other candidate bot we have ‘bone’ in a different context and the danger of regression is too great.

    lost in translation
    the smile of Lao Tzu

    lost in translation
    …………..

    Your go! John

    • lorin says:

      I do like:

      lost in translation
      the smile of Lao Tzu

      Perfect for the spot, imo!

      …but isn’t the first line from Barbara’s:

      lost in translation
      somewhere in the archives

      ?

      Nice melding, in any case, John, of Barbara’s and mine and that *smile* is just right. Wish I’d had the perspicacity to think of an inscrutable smile. 🙂

      lorin

      • lorin says:

        How about Barbara’s first line, as is, and L2 as you’ve conceived it, John, but simpler, lower register in contrast to your verse?

        a tongue of flame
        to name the name
        of ten thousand things (J)

        lost in translation
        Lao Tzu’s smile

        lorin

  115. g’day John, all

    Yes, thanks Lorin for pointing to my first line. Those bones were mine also but it was silly of me not to notice bone already up there!

    lost in translation
    the smile of Lao Tzu/bandlandj

    I too like this melded verse of John’s, but wonder if it might read:

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu

    Here are some other offers using my first line:

    lost in translation…
    Polly puts the kettle on

    lost in translation
    ancient secrets

    vital elements
    lost in translation

    Peace and Love

  116. colin stewart jones says:

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (J)

    _________________

    guilt is the price
    for the liberty of knowing

    and all the days ahead
    of night beach parties

    col

  117. John Carley says:

    thanks folks. sorry for the confusion. i am reading on a very cut down version of windows ce. it is hard to see attributions. i’m minded to go with ‘that smile’. I’ll clean up the text and get a definitive workink copy up shortly when i get a tmp real pc! any last thoughts on this? next up we’ll be summer or spring. Lao Tzu could invite a trad style ‘blossom’.

    best wishes, John

  118. John Carley says:

    river of stars –
    choosing shirt buttons
    from the button jar (l)

    among the green
    a single golden leaf (g)

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone (s)

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (j)

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu (b)

    Hi all, yeah, coming back to this on a machine I can at least see the text on properly it looks good. Lorin points to an important series of considerations in suggesting that the exact register, and hence ‘prominence’, of a verse’s phrasing is a matter of precise judgement. Here though I think my ‘tongue of flame’ verse is most effectively answered by using the demonstrative adjective ‘that’ as per Barbara’s latter draft.

    Ok team, we have the last four verses. We need to round out with ‘summer’, ‘non’, ‘spring’, ‘spring’. Or ‘spring’, ‘spring’, ‘non’, ‘summer’. Because this is a Junicho we can have ‘blossom’ in association with either, and it could in fact be a more generic ‘flower’ verse.

    So – onwards. Either ‘summer’ or ‘spring’. If the former please note ‘flame’ at the last but one position. And we might be any type of flower verse – from the most radical to the most trad ‘spring blossom’.

    I note in passing that we have not used ‘mountain’, ‘sea’, or a whole load of trad ‘oriental’ topics. This is an observation, not a specific inducement.

    Best wishes, John

    • lorin says:

      I dunno, John…’that smile of Lao Tsu’ doesn’t sound right to me. …’the smile of Lao Tsu’ and ‘Lao Tsu’s smile’ both sound right, but if ‘that’ is wanted, I think it needs to be ‘that smile of Lao Tsu’s’.

      …in other words, the grammar is off, isn’t it? A difference between, eg compare ‘that portrait of Lao Tsu’ & ‘that smile of Lao Tsu’, the second seems rather surreal.

      Also, the ‘of ten thousand things’ and of again in ‘smile of Lao Tsu’… is the repetition deadening the flow a tad?

      Apologies if these queries are annoying, just have to let you know how it strikes me, whether I’m off-course or not.

      lorin

    • lorin says:

      a tongue *of* flame
      to name the name
      *of* ten thousand things (j)

      lost in translation
      that smile *of* Lao Tzu (b)

      ?

  119. ashleycapes says:

    jumping in!

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (j)

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu (b)

    vines march on
    and their little flowers
    become afterthoughts

    or maybe a variant

    the vines march on
    their little flowers
    become afterthoughts

  120. lorin says:

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (j)

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu (b)

    passages obscured
    with a purple biro…
    distant thunder

    lorin

    • lorin says:

      lost in translation
      that smile of Lao Tzu (b)

      the text obscured
      by a purple biro…
      distant thunder

      lorin

      • lorin says:

        lost in translation
        that smile of Lao Tzu (b)

        the text defaced
        by a purple biro…
        distant thunder

        lorin

  121. lorin says:

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu (b)

    leaves of grass
    mark the passages…
    lilacs after rain

    lorin

  122. lorin says:

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu (b)

    hues ever-changing
    in sunlight and shadow
    the lucerne field

    lorin

  123. g’day all

    not sure I’m permitted to offer a verse for this place
    but here’s a thought:

    blue butterflies flutter
    on the flowering spears
    of balga grass

    Peace and Love

  124. lorin says:

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu (b)

    as the fog lifts
    cluster by cluster
    plum blossoms

    one by one
    plum blossom clusters
    emerging from fog

    …fog or mist or haze

    lorin

    lorin

  125. lorin says:

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu (b)

    deep in the woods
    among apple blossoms
    the Cheshire Cat

    lorin

  126. lorin says:

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu (b)

    perched on a bough
    between apple blossoms
    the Cheshire Cat

    lorin

  127. kala says:

    We need to round out with ’summer’, ‘non’, ’spring’, ’spring’ or ’spring’, ’spring’, ‘non’, ’summer’.
    —John

    ***

    I’m going with the summer group!

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu (b)

    on a surf board
    a tiny man vanishes
    under a giant wave

    as a firefly trails
    the silence
    of a mountain treetop

    _kala

  128. kala says:

    spring group!

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu (b)

    in a straw hat
    each farmer
    dots the green hill

    _kala

  129. Genevieve Osborne says:

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu (b)

    high on the mountain
    a hidden meadow
    offers its wildflowers

  130. kala says:

    Nice verses . . .
    _kala

  131. kala says:

    My previous spring one was wrong, I guess!

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu (b)

    a champa blossom
    from within its heart
    a bee buzzes out

    _kala

  132. Genevieve Osborne says:

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu (b)

    blossom trees
    holding out their boughs
    on the street where she lives

    on the street where she lives
    blossom trees
    holding out their boughs

    blossom trees
    holding out their arms
    on the street where she lives

  133. colin stewart jones says:

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu (b)

    ____________________

    true to its name
    the heather blossoms
    on ‘Eilean Fraoich’

    red deer
    gorge themselves
    on heather blossom

    high on the moor
    a grouse nests among
    green-winged orchids

  134. John Carley says:

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu’s

    on Eilean Fraoich
    red deer graze among
    the blooming heather

    well they eat everything else! (whisper it – the
    Scots cull their deer)

    stuff like ‘of’ repetitions are more of an issue between added and last-but-one verses, and/or where the offending article/conjunction falls in a metrically identical echo. But we can’t repeat ‘name’.

    I’d very much like to go with Colin’s Scottish summer blossom because the link between Lao Tzu and the moor is pure Basho as is the simple resonance of the gaelic (gallic).

    My phrasing is indicative only. thoughts?

    best wishes, John

  135. colin stewart jones says:

    ooops sorry cannot have name twice in the space of 3 verse

    could have

    true to nature,
    the heather blossoms
    on Eilean Fraoich

    but i like the your suggestion also john
    graze is much gentler than gorge lol

    among the heather blooms

    maybe be better
    unless you want the associations with the song

    “will ye go, lassie go
    and we’ll all go together…
    all around the blooming heather”

    col

  136. john carley says:

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu’s

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich

    Thanks Colin the song may be the key here. I tried stuff like “go ye where”, which is awful. But the idea of rhetorical address and lyric/longing brings something new – talks out at us from the page.

    Are we there or thereabouts team? If so next up will be our final non-season.

    Best wishes, John

  137. John Carley says:

    river of stars –
    choosing shirt buttons
    from the button jar (l)

    among the green
    a single golden leaf (g)

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone (s)

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (j)

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu’s (b)

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    At last – a computer I can cut and paste on. How does this read from the beginning team?

    12th March. Pretty good time! John

  138. Genevieve Osborne says:

    lovely verse …

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu’s (b)

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    listen! travelling on the breeze
    a swirl of pipes

  139. Sandra says:

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu’s (b)

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    her last letter
    so carefully folded

    the smell of smoke
    … and his lies

    (hmm, maybe “smoke” links back to “flame” … and I wanted to ask too about the rhyme with “flame” and “name” x 2??)

    while the tea draws
    dancing to the radio

    more lies, but oh
    how the web shimmers

  140. g’day all

    Lovely, Colin. I have some distant rellies in those isles.

    Herewith some offers:

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    your place, or mine –
    let’s take a chance

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    forever,
    in sickness and in health

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    he will na say
    what’s under his kilt

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    found, new potential
    at the open school

    ~~

    Peace and love

  141. Genevieve Osborne says:

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    writing a note by her window
    the smell of the sea

  142. Genevieve Osborne says:

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    the war-cry of Clan MacNaughton
    thunders through the hills

    …I know – it’s too long! but that war cry (being ‘Fraoch Eilean’ – so it says) got me in … just a little diversion ..

  143. lorin says:

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    grandpa winds up
    his father’s gramophone

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone

    the heirloom gramophone
    gets pride of place

    lorin

  144. lorin says:

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    time out
    for the bagpipe player

    lorin

  145. lorin says:

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    pride of place for the
    gramophone

    lorin

  146. ashleycapes says:

    rushing to get one in before lunch

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu’s (b)

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    the shaving cream
    a little pink now

  147. kala says:

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    beyond the sway of her hips
    the surging sea

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich

    a lizard leaps
    to catch the fly

    _kala

  148. John Carley says:

    river of stars –
    choosing shirt buttons
    from the button jar (l)

    among the green
    a single golden leaf (g)

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone (s)

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (j)

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu’s (b)

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone (l)

    Hi team, nice move to pure nostalgia to a more general sense of ‘heritage’.

    Ok, on to our closing spring pair. We have used ‘moon’ and ‘blossom’. Strictly speaking we perhaps haven’t had conventional ‘love’ verses – but I’m not suggesting that we have to do so now.

    Please have a read back and consider what might be included in terms of ‘classic’ topics. Having said which – the emphasis is on grace and flow. Not absolute novelty.

    Best wishes, John

  149. John Carley says:

    Ps – sos Lorin, didn’t answer point on ryhme. Simple truth is that Japanese renku uses all sort of phonic and mnemonic techniques at all times. The idea that *haiku do not* is an occidental thing. Why? God alone knows.

    Easiest way to get one’s head around this is to read Basho and His Interpreters which carries short exerpts of critique on a whole series of hokku/haiku – the crits themselves being from three centuries back to now. The way in which his phonics are discussed is *so* revealling.

    Best wishes, John

    • lorin says:

      …that was Sandra, questioning the rhyme.

      imo, it’s one of the strengths of the verse, supporting the sense of an orator-poet in the ‘grand style’….’flame, name, name’. WB Yeats springs to mind.

      I was lucky enough to win that book a few years ago. Must go back & reread it, as I’m sure I’ll understand more after doing some renku under your tutelage.

      lorin

  150. kala says:

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone (l)

    Wow Lorin!
    Congrats! Lovely verse.

    I like what you’re saying here, about this choice John.
    _kala

  151. ashleycapes says:

    I agree, excellent choice! Love having music slip into the renku

  152. Sandra says:

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone (l)

    as she takes the
    groom’s hand
    his mother’s tears

    the way her butterfly
    tattoo flutters
    with each breath

    thirty-two years
    and still we can’t
    agree on frogs

    on the hillside
    every ewe calls
    to her lamb

  153. g’day all

    Congrats Lorin.

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone (l)

    through spring mists
    songs of praise echo
    in the hills

    peace and love

  154. g’day again

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone (l)

    front row seats
    for the Buddha’s
    birthday bash

    peace and love

  155. again and again…

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone (l)

    above us
    rainbow colours…
    grand kites fly high

    ~~

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone (l)

    come into the garden,
    our Maude is making
    a rain dance

    ~~~

    peace and love

  156. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Congratulations, lorin.

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone (l)

    a photograph
    she’s never seen,
    spring-cleaning

    spring-cleaning,
    a photograph
    she’s never seen

    spring-cleaning,
    in a hidden draw
    she finds a photograph

    spring-cleaning
    she finds a photograph
    in a hidden draw

  157. Genevieve Osborne says:

    must be the humidity Sandra…

    spring-cleaning,
    in a hidden drawer
    she finds a photograph

    spring-cleaning,
    she finds a photograph
    in a hidden drawer

  158. Genevieve Osborne says:

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone (l)

    Nat can sing
    without end, we don’t
    have to pretend

  159. kala says:

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone (l)

    floating on
    the silences of the song…
    spring breeze

    _kala

  160. John Carley says:

    river of stars –
    choosing shirt buttons
    from the button jar (l)

    among the green
    a single golden leaf (g)

    following his nose
    the old dog
    finds a new bone (s)

    her chandelier earrings
    jingle-jangle (l)

    this cold morning
    I sink deeper
    into my thoughts (_k)

    the iron moon
    through shattered glass (w)

    a tongue of flame
    to name the name
    of ten thousand things (j)

    lost in translation
    that smile of Lao Tzu’s (b)

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone (l)

    thirty-two years
    and still we can’t
    agree on frogs (s)

    Hi everybody, thanks again for the very high standard of candidate verses and the rapid turn around. Sandra’s verse is so welcome because it introduces the easy familiarity of long and acustomed love – a quality we have not had yet in the poem. Its edge of mock exasperation made me laugh outloud. This is also metrically perfect with three stessed syllables in the last line – really seems to invite a response.

    Which responding verse will of course be ageku – a word which doesn’t mean ‘last’ but has overtones of ‘thank God we finally got here!’.

    We are nominally in ‘spring’ for this last verse. Beyond that I’m saying nothing.

    Best wishes, John

    ps – sorry for the confusion Lorin and Sandra. The thing which has opened my eyes to phonics in Japanese haikai is having to perform minute analyses whilst doing translations with my colleague Eiko Yachimoto. And talking of books and translations. By far the most beautiful and radical translation of Basho is Noboyuki Yuasa’s 1966 The Narrow Road to the Deep North and Other Travel Sketches. He was pilloried for using a quatrain to translate hokku – but had very good reason.

  161. Sandra says:

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone (l)

    in the evening
    every ewe
    calls to her lamb

    (I guess hillside is too close to “where the heather blooms”.)

    repeating the story
    my mother picks up
    an asparagus spear

    in the evening
    the cry of the ewe
    with no lamb

  162. Sandra says:

    That’s great, thanks for your comments John – we were obviously posting at the same time!

  163. Genevieve Osborne says:

    take me where
    the heather blooms
    on Eilean Fraoich (c)

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone (l)

    one warm spring
    evening – dancing
    to the old LPs

  164. Genevieve Osborne says:

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone (l)

    after dinner push
    the chairs aside and
    dance to the old LPs

  165. Genevieve Osborne says:

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone (l)

    after dinner – you
    and me dancing
    to the old LPs

  166. Genevieve Osborne says:

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone (l)

    after dinner
    just you and me –
    dancing to old LPs

  167. g’day all

    congratulations Sandra!

    thirty-two years
    and still we can’t
    agree on frogs (s)

    spring mists…
    a puff on the peace pipe

    or

    thirty-two years
    and still we can’t
    agree on frogs (s)

    sharing rice crackers
    at the Nirvana Ceremony

    or

    thirty-two years
    and still we can’t
    agree on frogs (s)

    St Patrick’s Day ends
    with a flourish!

    or

    thirty-two years
    and still we can’t
    agree on frogs (s)

    five silkworms spinning
    this tranquil day

    ~~~

    Peace and Love

  168. Genevieve Osborne says:

    dancing under
    the stars
    to the old LPs

  169. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Whoops – apologies – still dancing around long after the event.

    Congratulations Sandra.

  170. Genevieve Osborne says:

    thirty-two years
    and still we can’t
    agree on frogs (s)

    this warm night –
    a serenade from the pond

    sharing a glass of wine outside –
    a serenade from the pond

  171. Genevieve Osborne says:

    …not sure if ‘serenade’ is too close to ‘gramophone’

  172. kala says:

    Absolute beauty Sandra!

    thirty-two years
    and still we can’t
    agree on frogs (s)

    with that leap
    a red kite twirls up

    tugging at heart’s string
    a red kite in the sky

    an inch worm
    reaches for the skies

  173. Genevieve Osborne says:

    thirty-two years
    and still we can’t
    agree on frogs (s)

    dinner outdoors – old
    friends and conversation

  174. kala says:

    thirty-two years
    and still we can’t
    agree on frogs (s)

    with that leap
    the red kite swirls upward

  175. colin stewart jones says:

    thirty-two years
    and still we can’t
    agree on frogs (s)

    ____________________

    mind you,
    she has good legs

    our youngest splashes
    through mud puddles

    col

  176. Genevieve Osborne says:

    thirty-two years
    and still we can’t
    agree on frogs (s)

    this warm evening
    planning our travels

  177. ashleycapes says:

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone (l)

    thirty-two years
    and still we can’t
    agree on frogs (s)

    all finished with the pruning
    and the laundry window is clear

    a fair bit too long I think, might try and come back to try again

  178. lorin says:

    thirty-two years
    and still we can’t
    agree on frogs (s)

    water chestnuts sprouting
    at the old pond

    voices from the haze
    of an old pond

    voices from the billabong,
    voices from the pond

    lorin

  179. lorin says:

    thirty-two years
    and still we can’t
    agree on frogs (s)

    voices from the haze
    at an old pond

    lorin

  180. Mysha says:

    Hi,
    I keep ending up with family gatherings and song for this one, connecting to the gramophone.

    pride of place for the
    family gramophone (l)

    thirty-two years
    and still we can’t
    agree on frogs (s)

    park in the evening
    sharing a bench

    warm evening
    sharing a park bench

    cherry blossom leaves
    falling on our shoulders

    Mysha

  181. John Carley says:

    [thirty-two years]
    and still we can’t
    agree on frogs (s)

    five silkworms spinning
    [the] tranquil day (b)

    Friends, this is the one for me. _kala’s kite was very close too. In the end I’ve gone for the silkworms spinning our poem, and the lives of the loving couple in the maeku.

    We have a possible conflict to consider. It *may* be that ‘ten thousand things’, ‘thirty two years’ and ‘five silkworms’ are on enumerator too many. The number ‘ten thousand’ comes from very early metaphysics: certainly Buddhist and _kala will probably be able to tell us much older: Vedic. It is my understanding that ‘five’ is the minimum number of insects needed to produce thread and therefore appears as a fixed expression in any number of Asian languages. ‘Thirty Two’ is wonderful because it zaps us straight into an actuality. It may be that more generic phrases such as

    all these years
    and still we can’t
    agree of frogs

    are no quite as effective. I dunno. What I can say absolutely is that no convention that is regardes as a ‘rule’ of renku is broken if we retain all three. Comments please.

    Barbara – I don’t think we can use the demonstrative adjecitive ‘this’ again at the head of a line – specially as we’ve also used ‘that’. In the text above I’ve put in the direct object. Thoughts please.

    We also need to review the whole text. In truth I can’t think of things I’ve put on my own mental backburner. But that’s just me.

    Best wishes, John

  182. kala says:

    five silkworms spinning
    [the] tranquil day (b)

    Great choice John!

    I loved this verse when I read it first and something – a woman’s intuition, perhaps ? – told me that this is the ageku you’ll choose!

    Congrats Barbara!
    Congrats to everyone, this renku has turned out real well.
    _kala

  183. lorin says:

    Congratulations, Barbara.

    “Comments please.” – J

    John, whilst ‘ten thousand things’ seems essential, for the reasons you give & the connection with Lao Tsu (one version of the Tao Te Ching has it simply: ‘Heaven and earth begin in the unnamed: name’s the mother of the ten thousand things’)
    and the specific ’32 years’ in Sandra’s ku gives a brilliant sense of actuality (to me, ‘all these years’ flattens and deadens), I find your reference to five silkworms being ‘ a fixed expression’ in Oriental languages a little arcane.

    I don’t doubt your word that it is the case, but given that it’s a ‘fixed expression’, isn’t it exactly of the order of ‘the ten thousand things’, a repetition? ‘Ten thousand things’ is also a ‘fixed expression’, but one more widely known in the West by non-speakers of Chinese etc.

    As a non-speaker of Oriental languages, ‘five silkworms spinning’ immediately struck me as a variation of the ‘counting list’ of the carol, ‘A Partridge in a Pear Tree’. The number seems to detract from an otherwise lovely verse, somehow clashing with ‘tranquil’.

    http://www.12days.com/library/carols/12daysofxmas.htm

    lorin

  184. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Congratulations Barbara! – all those mulberry leaves we used to hunt for.

  185. Sandra says:

    Ah, but my antennae have risen at the use of the word “tranquil” which I find to be almost hackneyed in any poetic use …

    • lorin says:

      hmmm… perhaps, Sandra ;-), but I have heard kigo described as ‘cliches’ by Western haiku writers, and ‘tranquil’ is a Spring kigo.

      tranquil (nodoka, all spring).

      (from Higginson’s ‘The Five Hundred Essential Japanese Kigo Words’ )

      lorin

  186. Sandra says:

    And I’ll just murmur about repitition once more … 🙂

    we have “button” twice in the hokku and “name” twice in V7.

    An observation.

    • lorin says:

      …both within the one ku, though.

      But, definitely an interesting point to raise in relation to ‘style’ repetition between the two verses.

      lorin

  187. Sandra says:

    And I’m not bothered by the numbers … a thread that subtly links all together, so very nice to finish with silkworms actually spinning the thread.

    Might I suggest (further to my previous comment on “tranquil”):

    five silkworms spinning
    one last thread

    five silkworms spinning
    their single thread

    (I didn’t know it took 5 to make 1 thread, that’s interesting.)

    Or, to be really cute:

    eight silkworms spinning
    their single thread

    (That’s us, BTW. Have I counted right?)

  188. Sandra says:

    No, it should be nine.

  189. g’day all

    Thanks all for comments.

    if revision needed
    maybe this will suffice:

    busy silkworms spinning
    their single thread

    and possibly

    decades on
    and still we can’t
    agree on frogs

    I personally love tranquil days…

    Peace and Love

    • lorin says:

      busy silkworms spinning
      the tranquil day (b)

      silkworms busy spinning
      the tranquil day (b)

      ?

      I forgot to say, before, how much I like that a reader has the choice of an implied caesura between L1 and L2, or not.

      lorin

  190. colin stewart jones says:

    lookin goode

  191. John Carley says:

    Hi everybody, coming back to this text fresh I feel I’ve been guilty of misdirection – particularily in repect of the verses using numbers. There are very few ‘rules’ in renku – the only really intractable on involves avoiding direct recall of the content of the last-but-one verse (a fault called ‘uchikoshi no kirai’). We don’t do this in any of our combinations. And we don’t have any instances of ‘gross repetition’ or ‘distant reincarnation’ (‘torinne’) where a given verse flashes us back inevitably to an early verse because there is so much similarity. The article ‘Occurrence and Reccurence’ on Renku Reckoner gives chapter and verse on this stuff.

    No, not only can this text stand as is, alterations tend to weaken it. I’d therefore like to propose we adopt it.

    I’m out of hospital and in the pub (hurray!). But I don’t have access to our recent completed poems so the text below gives single name attributions only. I’ll get it together to append the full stuff tomorrow (name, surname, place, nation).

    Id GDS don’t like this poem they won’t like any renku.

    Comments please, John

  192. john carley says:

    Sorry folks – about internal repetition: ‘button’, ‘name’ etc. There are no renku-specific or haikai-specific aesthetic judgements to be made in this regard that I’m aware of. So such issues belong to the sphere of good style or otherwise in English-language creative writing.

    Best wishes, John

  193. sandra says:

    Thanks so much for your clear advice and comment on both this strand and the other, John.

    Sorry, didn’t realise you were a patient in hospital, thought you must be working in a hospital! Glad the medical advice doesn’t involve staying off the turps. 🙂

    I’ve really enjoyed being involved with both these strands and so many fine writers.

    Best wishes,
    Sandra

  194. lorin says:

    Looking good! 😉 …as is ‘First Cool Day’!

    I’d gathered you were in hospital, John… in, then back in. I hope everything is ok with you now.

    Great learning experience, as always here, and your comments are invaluable. Will get my head around it all one day.

    😉 I rather like ‘speed renku’.

    cheers,

    lorin

  195. kala says:

    Greatv work all round,

    John,

    Last one year I tried my level best to get all editors to accept _kala

    Not everyone did, and ultimately by the end of the year, I saw my name in virious avataars:

    As:
    _kala
    _Kala
    _KALA
    Kala Ramesh

    So kindly put my name as:

    Kala Ramesh
    Pune, India

  196. colin stewart jones says:

    hi john and all

    u could if need be change the double buttons thingy
    to


    choosing shirt buttons
    from the sewing box/kit or something like

    my details:

    Colin Stewart Jones
    Aberdeen, Scotland

  197. g’day John

    All looks to me! Hope you are making a speedy recovery.
    Again, thanks for all your helpful advice and commentary.
    We’ll keep our fingers crossed for this poem.

    Peace and Love

    Barbara A Taylor
    NSW Australia

  198. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Hi John and All,

    Thank you John for all your attention and advice – and hope you are feeling better!

    It’s been another great renku journey with lots of learning along the way.

    Thanks Ashley for the site and opportunity – and when possible I would love to join in again!

    All best wishes to everyone,

    Genevieve Osborne
    NSW, Australia.

  199. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Hi John,

    They both look and sound so good!

    Just one typo – missing an ‘i’ in Lancashire.

    Thank you – ‘Speed Renku’ was so much fun!

    All best wishes,
    Genevieve.

  200. Willie says:

    Once again, I’m so fortunate to be allowed to write with you all.

  201. John Carley says:

    Tomegaki

    The term means something like ‘closure words’ – it refers to the semi formal practice of a poem leader (sabaki) giving a debrief once a composition is ended – drawing together some strands of thought that have arisen during composition. Personally I find it really useful as it obliges me to reflect on my own practice.

    The composition of these poems has been a unique experience. The submission deadline was already a constraint – though from experience I’d expect to be able to push a ‘remote’ composition through at a little more than 48 hours a verse (we averaged more like 36). What made it so particular was the unpredictable access to the internet due to a series of unanticipated stays in this and that hospital. One minute I was at home, with an optical broadband connection to a light-speed computer, next I was trying to use some antedeluvian television-based public access system which took four hours to type and upload as many paragraphs. This is not an exaggeration!

    So first to go was the ability to respond with even the minimum courtesy to all sorts of excellent queries and observations made during the composition. Next to go was the ability to track who was posting what candidate verses as the very cut down mobile interfaces I was able to get access to on most days didn’t hold the formatting which the ‘normal’ site allows. Most disconcertingly of all, I was left with little or no ‘wriggle room’ – the space in which I am used to agonising over this or that aspect of verse selection. Hell – it was hard enough to know which of the two strands I was in!

    I had little option but to select a verse at a single read-through, generally without knowing the author. So it is really interesting that each poem has a similar and broad spread of contributors. And that no person is represented more than twice in any given poem. On one level this simply indicates that there were a lot of excellent people offering excellent alternatives. But it also says something about the particular and peculiar nature of renku – the massive paradox that the more disparate the elements it draws in, the greater the unity it may achieve. Because, trust me, these are both good poems which make the most of the Junicho form.

    I have been mincing around the edges of metaphysics recently in order to present an overview of the historic and contemporary approaches to variety and change in a renku sequence – the article Occurrence and Recurrence is finally up on Renku Reckoner. To be honest I tend to resist all that sub-hippie bulldust about ‘cosmic gestalts’. And yet these poems are the most tangible proof I’ve ever witnessed that ideas of ‘renku as mandala’ are bang on the money.

    Maybe it’s simply down to all that morphine they’ve been giving me! John

    • ashleycapes says:

      Thank you, John! Hope you’re feeling better (not morphine better though, perhaps ‘real’ better!) and for leading and teaching us once again, thank you.

      I’m putting the submission together tomorrow night, so our two renku will fly off to the mercies of GDS soon, but I will try and leave these up until we get word from the eds. Gives everyone more time to have a read.

      Ashley

      • lorin says:

        Great, Ashley. (fingers crossed for us!) Don’t forget to do the required anonymous thing with the subs. Yikes, I’ll leave it to you to figure out how!

        cheers,

        lorin

  202. John Carley says:

    Q & A

    Hi folks, I’m going back into dry dock for a little while and will need to recuperate. But I’m working on the idea of getting a friend and colleague to offer to lead a poem at The Snail. Watch this space.

    Meanwhile I’m looking for all those basic questions people want to ask about renku in order to put together a Frequently Asked type page on Renku Reckoner. This might be particularly useful for people who are a bit shy, and new to the genre (i.e. most of us!).

    Please post any such queries to john@renkureckoner.co.uk with something like FAQ or Q&A in the subject line. Published queries will not be attributed.

    Best wishes, John

  203. lorin says:

    John, what a superb job you’ve done, despite hell conditions to do it in!

    Many thanks.

    “To be honest I tend to resist all that sub-hippie bulldust about ‘cosmic gestalts’. And yet these poems are the most tangible proof I’ve ever witnessed that ideas of ‘renku as mandala’ are bang on the money.”

    ‘Cosmic gestalts’ would put me right off, too, but I do find Rupert Sheldrake’s ‘morphic fields’ ideas interesting. Nothing cosmic, just part of nature.

    Best wishes for your complete recovery from whatever it is…and 😉 ‘May the Force be with you’.

    lorin

  204. Sandra says:

    Hi John,

    If you’re using “shires” and provinces for everyone else, please note that my region is Bay of Plenty (Tauranga is the city).

    Thanks.

  205. kala says:

    All the very best to you John, for a speedy complete recovery.

    _kala

  206. Sandra says:

    Just a note to all the great writers involved with this Junicho (reading and writing). Please note that the closing date for the Katikati Haiku Contest is rapidly approaching – April 16.

    Find entry details here:

    http://www.poetrysociety.org.nz/haikunews/competitions

    Many thanks for your support for this great project,
    Sandra

  207. ashleycapes says:

    Thanks, Sandra! Good luck to everyone who enters!

    And good luck to our two Junicho – both of which are now with GDS.

    Fingers crossed!

  208. John Carley says:

    Sabaki ahoy (and a real one too)!

    Hi everybody, here’s some excellent news. My friend, colleague and mentor Eiko Yachimoto will shortly be offering to lead a poem on The Snail.

    For all her personal humility Eiko has been an absolutely central figure in what might be called the ‘second wave’ of the spread of renku theory and practice into English.

    Working alongside colleagues in the Association for International Renku she has been instrumental in furthering an understanding of the potential for renku to develop as a unified world literature rather than fracture along cultural/linguistic grounds (as has tended to be the case with haiku).

    Eiko is expert in all aspects of contemporary renku from neo-classical approaches to the Kasen right the way through to the radical and challenging Rokku which has begun to attract much interest in Japan and elsewhere. I suspect that on The Snail she may choose to adopt the Shisan, Nijuin or Kasen – any and all of which will be a revealing contrast to my recent focus on the Junicho and Triparshva.

    In short, I urge you to check back – don’t miss the project’s opening – and participate directly or follow attentively.

    Eiko’s command of language is highly nuanced – she publishes in both Japanese and English – so you’ve got a treat lined up.

    Enjoy! John

    ps – you guys are pretty familiar with my style. You are about to experience the real deal. I hope the sum of the experience might lead you to consider what *your* style might be as sabaki.

  209. Genevieve Osborne says:

    Hi John,

    Sounds great.

    Best wishes,
    Genevieve.

  210. lorin says:

    John, that’s wonderful. Thank you so much for all that you’ve done and are doing for renku and for us learners.

    I’ll certainly be checking in to see when Eiko Yachimoto might be ready to be sabaki here!

    All the best to you.

    Lorin

  211. kala says:

    Great news John.
    I echo Lorin’s words,

    Waiting to hear from Eiko,
    _kala

  212. ashleycapes says:

    Greetings, Snailers!

    Just popping in with some news, I’ve been approached to lead a ‘zombie’ renku at Cordite and we’re kicking off today, love to have everyone’s support!

    Ash

    http://www.cordite.org.au/newsblog/zombie-haikunaut-renga-instructions/

  213. g’day John

    Great news, and I look forward to working again with Eiko, whose articles in Sketchbook, I have read with great interest.

    Thank you to you again for all your work with our recent works. I do hope we can have them published somewhere in the future. Where do you intend to offer them for a publisher’s consideration?

    Peace and Love

  214. lorin says:

    well, the ‘zombie’ one, being on Cordite, is published as it goes, by David Prater, and is retained in the archives, as is ‘haikunaut island’.

    lorin

  215. John Carley says:

    Hi everybody, sorry to butt into the strand. I’ve set up a page ‘Exercises’ to take any subsequent exchanges.

    http://www.renkureckoner.co.uk/beta

    I’ve been working on some exercises to add to the Renku Reckoner site. They are in a temporary folder at the url above.

    I’d be very grateful if people would have a look and give any kind of feedback on this site or direct to johncarley at virginmedia dot com

    Specifically – there’s an exercise there based on a very old Chinese verse form that might qualify for a little more serious consideration. Please have a look at the Haizekku (provisionial name, might be ‘New Zekku’).

    As you’ll see there’s provision on the page for some exemplars. How do you fancy attempting some?

    PS – my friend and colleague Eiko Yachimoto has picked up some finger damage with consequent difficulty typing these last several weeks. Hence the no show to date in terms of a further short poem led by her.

    Please post any comments (or Haizekku first verses etc) you might wish to make in this strand.

    Best wishes, John

  216. willie says:

    From a shisan renku I’ve been struggling with-
    what the heck, close my eyes and fire away…

    cherry sapling
    pavements and peeling brick
    blush pink in early light

    the detrius of years past
    tumbles down the alley

    from this vantage
    faceless voices below
    ring familiar

    clouds in water
    pierced by the whales song

  217. John Carley says:

    Hi everybody, sorry to butt into the strand. Good news though.

    After becoming involved in an altercation between a large piece of bamboo and a very sharp knife the internationally renowned renku poet Eiko Yachimoto has managed to reattach all her typing fingers. She will therefore shortly be appearting here at The Snail in order to lead a new sequence.

    Accordingly check out the page New Sequence (tab at head of this page). Soonest.

    Best wishes, John

  218. ashleycapes says:

    Hi everyone, bad news, GDS have passed on our speed renku, so it’s on to the next market!

    More news soon

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