As John mentioned at the end of the last Triparshva, we’ve got an opportunity to submit something to the special, 30th Anniversary edition of Going Down Swinging, who are bringing a haiku section in, but who are also willing to look at a shorter renku – hence our call for writers to participate in one or even two Junicho!
So, jump in with a candidate for the hokku, in a season of your choice!
The catch? We have to finish just before subs close on the 31st of March…
(from John)
Call for hokku submissions.
Hi everybody, Ashley has managed to get the respected lit. mag. Going Down Swinging to consider publishing renku in it’s 30th anniversary issue. Which is great. He pointed them at the text of our recent Trip as a ‘for instance’ but they’ve hummed and hawed about ‘very good, but prefer to think of shorter space’ etc. So the solution is to write another!
Only thing is that the deadline is 30 days away. We *should* be able to turn a Junicho around in 24 days. There are actually good reasons why working to this kind of time pressure is potentially a positive (see the guff about ‘fourth locus of change’ in the article Occurrence and Recurrence just posted to the Link, Shift and Variety sub menu on Renku Reckoner) – search strings could include ‘ba’, ‘za’, and ‘kaiseki’
So let’s just do it.
Call for hokku candidates. Your current season. Plus, if it isn’t already, an early autumn candidate as it could be wise to ease a new audience into the unfamiliar with a hokku that chimes with when they’re picking up the mag.
Best wishes, John
Issa's Snail - A Renku Group 
walking
to meet it –
summer rain
first cool day –
the blackbird & I
sing, sing, sing
Duh! I posted these in the wrong place…’current junicho’. Here they are again:
‘…so head
on over to the snail and post a hokku canditdate!’ Ashley
ok, here’s some Summer offers:
shadows of clouds
cross the lucerne field –
a new rumour
summer grasses
the pup follows his nose
until the echidna
summer storm –
a dozen gold beetles
light up the fly-screen
… two more occurred, so here they are:
slack tide –
the evening star clicks
into place
mud-crabs
clicking in the mangroves –
evening lull
… all Summer ones, though. Can’t imagine Winter right now!
lorin
Would you be able to delete my postings on the ‘current Junicho’ thread, please, Ashley?
Lorin
…or, as a variation of my first offer:
a cloud shadow
crosses the lucerne field –
small town rumours
lorin
dipping her quill
into the night
a mosquito
–
dipping their quills
in the night
mosquitoes
maybe too abstract for hokku, I’ll try some more tomorrow
lumps in the duckweed
the heron a study
of stillness
lorin
…a variation of ‘slack tide’:
the lull at dusk –
stars begin to click
into place
lorin
g’day all
herewith some offers:
into the mists
a flying aussie
grabs the gold
spring rains
a poddy-calf
sucks on my fingers
peace and love
And some more from me:
hot wind –
the water in the bucket
trembles
heat lightning –
the steel-blue ladybird
hunkers down
(Halmus chalybeus, if anyone’s interested, first introduced here from Australia in 1899.)
Lorin, I like your “the lull at dusk” and the first version of “shadows of clouds”. Very nice.
Hi Sandra 😉 thanks… love the colour-scape in your ladybird ku! …and I’ve visited the kasen (first time for a while) and loved that image of sons hanging on the persimmon tree. (a recent breast screen gave me the whereto to respond, too 😉 )
g’day all
here are a few more offers:
newly arrived –
chirps from up high
on a nest of sticks
a shrouded orchard –
screeching cockatoos strip
fresh pecan nuts
summer moon
an orange glow peeps
above the horizon
peace and love
Hey ya’ll!
seed planting
anticipating color
in brick and stone
northern windows
the lingering cold
in light and shadow
halcyon days
in river city
harvest moon
harvest moon
halcyon days
in river city
above the lake
a sea of shining stars
the rush of owl’s wings
Hi all 😉 Good to see you all here again…this one’s filling up quickly and it does seem as though there will be enough players for two junicho!
I doubt that GDS would accept more than one, though.
I think I got the preposition wrong in the heron ku, so, a variation:
lumps in the duckweed
the heron a study
in stillness
lorin
I agree, Lorin, they’d surely not have room for two, John was thinking it might be nice to offer them a choice between 2 renku, might increase our chances? I’m hopin’ too!
Ok, 2 more from me for now – trying to have some fun with summer:
peeking from grass
the bald head
of a tennis ball
–
strange rain
this early in summer
chubby drops
Bellamy, knees creaking, just scored for Man City. but after last night, he’s just a half-pint in comparison-
the perfect stone
curls across the ice
cold moon
(I think I’m in love!)
Is that ice hockey, Willie?
Lorin
No dear, the Canadian and Swedish woman vied for the gold medal in Olympic curling last night. It was quite the…uh, match. Tied at the end until a sudden death…umm, sortie. (oh, what’s the name of each segment???!!!)
Each time the ladies would throw (slide?) a stone, the camera would close up from a face-on shot, so to speak. The look of total concentration on their faces, their eyes (the most attractive feature of any woman, imo) focused on the mark, the posture, nearly prone at full stretch, their wrists, hands and fingers, and the intensity of their shouts directing the sweepers (manipulating the ice in front of a moving stone), well, as odd as it sounds, I was mesmerized.
I’d relate it to kyudo, the Japanese art of archery, “the way of the bow”.
Sweden took the gold, by the way.
(I hope this goes below Willie.)
The 11th end.
(And I didn’t get to see it because some quarter or semi finals in other sports were considered must-broadcasts. Curling Finals!
Oh, well. Stuff Dutch don’t do on the ice (very well). Pursuit, Hockey, Curling.)
Mysha
Hi,
Seen day before yesterday:
last patches of snow
at noon the sun is shining
the first rays of spring
Maybe they might accept both if there was a marked difference. Would anyone take the challenge of a full 5/7 English language Junicho, to contrast a more minimal free length one?
free from winter storms
the sky is holding its breath
waiting for bird song
under a grey sky
dawn crawling along the dyke
a grey gull wheeling
Mysha
And early autumn, he said:
the seasoned farm hand
he leans against the tractor
as he whets his scythe
ok, early autumn, too:
milky way
a fossil jellyfish
among the gemstones
lorin
river of stars —
picking shirt buttons out
of the button jar
lorin
Hi everyone,
one golden leaf
among the green –
first day of autumn
reds and golds
between the green –
autumn morning
city lights tremble
in the harbour
we button our jackets
city lights quiver
in the harbour
first autumn evening
light rain
on Tumbledown Hill –
autumn leaves
one more:
country show – farmers
arranging their rows
of autumn pickles
or perhaps:
at the country show
she’s polishing her jars
of autumn pickles
three weeks later –
the poppy wreaths
bled of their colour
‘river of stars’ revised:
river of stars –
choosing shirt buttons
from the button jar
lorin
‘Notes From the Gean’ Issue #4 is now online. We now have a haibun section, too.
Many thanks to all who have submitted work over the past year.
http://www.geantree.com/indexcover.html
Please note the changes to the submission policy. The deadline for Issue #5 (online June 1st) is March 30th, but submissions may be sent at any time. Submissions that are received after March 30th will be held over to be considered for issue #6.
Lorin
Hi everybody, thanks for the rapid and wibnderfully varied resonses. I’m not entirely sure how to best facilitate this with so much quality input on offer. For the moment I’d like to suggest we go with two strands. Both of which remain open to all who would wishe to submit candidates. At some stage later, assuming both run, it might be best to break up into teams. For the moment though I’d like to propose the following twin track approach.
Strand One:
river of stars –
choosing shirt buttons
from the button jar
lorin
among the green
a single golden leaf
genevieve (provisional)
Should Genevieve feel able to accep this abridgement of her verse as the wakiku we go to verse three. Verse three is non-season. It is probably best if it has (a) directly drawn human protagonist(s). In so far as we are asking an audience completely new to renku to have their intentions of ‘logical’ development outraged I think it is more important than ever that we pay heed to the phonics of our poem(s).
If Gen would prefer to decline this wakiku (and no explanations are either necessary or appropriate) we go to moon.
……………….
Strand Two:
first cool day –
the blackbird & I
sing, sing, sing
sandra
This autumn verse asks for an autumn wakiku. We *could* consider ‘moon’ here but that is not a requirement.
Best wishes, John
Hi John,
That’s fine with me for the wakiku.
Best wishes, G.
g’day all,
Congrats to Lorin and Genevieve.
Herewith my offers to Strand One:
among the green
a single golden leaf / g
no invitations
for the spinster
on the hill
or
teeing off
she pulls a muscle
before a hole in one
or
still going strongly,
the old lady is pulled
by her dog
Peace and Love
Yes, congrats! Great verses!
river of stars –
choosing shirt buttons
from the button jar/l
among the green
a single golden leaf/g
a pile of shredding
and the letter
‘e’ left over
a pile of shredding
and the letter
‘e’ left over
well, I love this one, Ashley!
Interesting, ‘the e on the stone’, an ancient and probably indecipherable thing, intriguing, but without a context….and here’s your contemporary version…have you read Charles Olsen’s earlier poems?
lorin
Thanks for the congrats Barbara and Ash. I like your ‘no invitations’ Barbara and love your ”e’ left over’ Ashley.
Strand Two:
first cool day –
the blackbird & I
sing, sing, sing
sandra
caught in the rain,
we’re soaked to the bone
river of stars –
choosing shirt buttons
from the button jar
lorin
among the green
a single golden leaf
genevieve
following his nose
the old dog
ends up in the nepeta
picking petals
for tea
from the marigolds
or
at the bottom
of the caddy
chrysanethemum
at the bottom
of the caddy
chrysanethemum
hey, Sandra…very nice progression on ‘leaf’. Chrysanthemum tea!
lorin
Thanks, Lorin. I loved your “shirt buttons” by the way, could see it immediately.
Well John and all,
Am I too late to be joining in?
Do let me know,
_kala
😉 …just join in, Kala!
lorin
Kala..offer ku to either or both streams… these ones are going to be quickies. 😉
lorin
Thanks!!
I need to familiarize myself with what’s going on!!!
Will get back!
_kala
river of stars –
choosing shirt buttons
from the button jar/l
among the green
a single golden leaf/g
“hey look” she says,
her toothy white laughter
on my camera lens/ _k
.
Strand Two:
first cool day –
the blackbird & I
sing, sing, sing
sandra
as we walk the moon
up a hill path /_k
Just a note – and I should have said to Willie too – but there is a Strand Two page to help John keep ’em seperate
river of stars –
choosing shirt buttons
from the button jar/l
among the green
a single golden leaf/g
shelling peas,
our conversation
turns blue
river of stars –
choosing shirt buttons
from the button jar (lorin)
among the green
a single golden leaf (genevieve)
the mirrored scissors
are carefully manoeuvred
to one hair of grey
mediocre scores
but an A for literature
as she likes poems
the first-timer shouts
as he pockets the cue ball
and the old men cringe
river of stars –
choosing shirt buttons
from the button jar
lorin
among the green
a single golden leaf
genevieve
following his nose
the old dog
~~~~~~~~~~~
sandra
Hi team, this is the one. But I think it strongly recommened to avoid particular plants and similar because they tend to automatically gain a seasonal accretion. One alternative I can think of links to the idea of seasonal cycles. But there will be others. Sandra – where do we go?
Here’s my take. John
river of stars –
choosing shirt buttons
from the button jar
lorin
among the green
a single golden leaf
genevieve
following his nose
the old dog
runs in circles
sandra
Thanks John – I don’t mind your “runs in circles”, but would also like to offer:
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone
and
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new friend
Your choice!
well, I like the connection between the dog running in circles and Genevieve’s ‘single golden leaf’. It livens things up, as it (seems to me) to show a willi-willi in operation, whirling the ‘single golden leaf’ around.
well, I would, wouldn’t I? (wish I knew how to do the rolling eyes smiley, here…I’ve just now recalled:
willi-willi
the golden retriever’s
giddy orbit
‘a wattle seedpod’ )
(willi-willi = ‘dust devil’ to anyone in the USA who might be reading…a mini whirlwind)
lorin
river of stars –
choosiing shirt buttons
from the button jar
among the green
a single golden leaf
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone/friend
Sorry for my scrappy responses to so much quality input. I’m stuck in dry dock with the world’s least user friendly kit.
Of the two i think I prefer ‘bone’ but either could easily call for a ‘love’ verse! There are of course other routes, but I do think we need a ‘people’ verse. We stay open to all submissions.
Please indicate which end word you intend per candidate verse and work on people-no season-poss.love.
Best wishes, John
Trying this as a last resort, as the system won’t let me post below:
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone/friend
(Sandra)
jingle-jangle
go the third wife’s
chandelier earrings
Lorin
Hi,
among the green
a single golden leaf
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone
“I found him in the park, ma.
Can I bring him home with me?”
Her holiday photograph
With her backpack and boyfriend
Mysha
One from me!
among the green
a single golden leaf
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone
–
he’s gonna mess around
now that it’s dark
g’day all
some offers:
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new friend/s
surprise! e-harmony
comes up trumps
or
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone/sandra
so fragile,
this bonnie babe in arms
and just for fun:
following his nose
the old dog
runs in circles
bliss, a ménage a trios
every three days
Peace and Love
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone/friend
(Sandra)
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle
lorin
ps…John asked…my preference is for ‘bone’ over ‘friend’ in Sandra’s ku.
lorin
whew! it’s working again. I’ve tried to post versions of that for hours!
lorin
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone
(Sandra)
the eye at the knothole
gets a hose-down
death by consumption
sketched from life
lorin
river of stars –
choosing shirt buttons
from the button jar (l)
among the green
a single golden leaf (g)
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone (s)
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
Hi everybody, this is a text book progression of senses: tactile to visual to smell to sound. And a really catty link to ‘old dog+bone’!
Not sure where next – a ‘true love’ verse could work as a reproof to Lorin. But that’s not a demand from me. I do think it’s too soon for ‘moon’, and if we go to a season it should be winter or summer. Prob non season is best. Poss love. But all welcome. We stay open and competitive.
Thanks folks. The time pressure feels quite creative to me. Best, John
🙂 Thanks, John!
cheers,
Catwoman
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone (s)
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
afterward
I make the bed
most memories aren’t this cruel
sorry, having trouble producing verses at the mo. and love is a brutal verse position!
Agreed Ashley. We are in good company though – Basho ducked them whenever poss!
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle
lips and nipples
even when she tries
to think of boys
See what mean – rubbish. John
ps – love is not obligatory here
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
as Madame Butterfly sings
he gazes at the girl
in the third row
Ooh, I like this one. The sounds, the distraction.
Mysha
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone (s)
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts
I turn and you’ve gone far ahead!!!!!
Nice verses!
_kala
I’m not getting follow-up comments from here!!
Hi _kala, is the notification feature playing up? I’ve checked at this end and it looks ok – but then, the site has been having a few different probs lately
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone (s)
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
the velvet curtain
rises
ruffle by ruffle
as the overture begins,
rubbing shoulders
with a stranger
dancing
with a stranger
in the hall of mirrors
or perhaps:
concealed in his opera box
he gazes
at the girl below
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
Pretty Woman starts
to play, the girl on the corner
turns his way
g’day all
good one, lorin!
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
the busker’s sign reads:
please, put a penny
in this old man’s hat
peace and love
oh no, old again…correction:
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
the busker’s sign reads:
please, put a penny
in this poor man’s hat
peace and love
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
in the limelight
she throws another winner
at the tables
peace and love
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
good fortune comes
in a mega jackpot
at the pokies
Peace and Love
good fortune comes
in a mega jackpot
at the pokies
Barbara
I like this!
lorin
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
good fortune comes
in a mega jackpot
at the pokies
or
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
hey, buddy
can you spare a dime…
I’m broke
Peace and Love
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
this morning it all looks
less than lovely –
tired and tawdry
or
this morning it all looks
less than lovely –
tawdry
whoops – I meant to post this on Strand Two page – but then again maybe “this morning” links back to “evening market” – so perhaps it’s better here.
Hi Genevieve, would you like me to switch it over?
In the meantime, here’s one from me, just for fun
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone (s)
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
–
home late
Nick Cave decides
to let love in
Hi Ashley, yes, thanks – as I intended it to follow the ‘colours’ it would be better over there – even though I’m not sure about a link between morning/evening.
Your verse is lovely. Thanks.
river of stars –
choosing shirt buttons
from the button jar (l)
among the green
a single golden leaf (g)
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone (s)
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
Superb. Absolutely wonderful change of pace from _kala. Specially if we do end up with a generalist audience who might well be wondering – ‘Where is the “I” in all of this?’
Normally the Junicho would tend to a single winter verse. But one reading surely yearns for a ‘deep cold’ to respond to _kala. We *could* go to moon too. Strangely, because of the particular characteristics of the Junicho, we could also go to ‘blossom’. Now then – ‘winter blossom’ – that sounds interesting!
But none of these musings are an absolute direction from me. More in the way of grateful maunderings ‘cos I’m out on parole for a few days.
Let’s keep up the pressure. We stay open to all. We go to a ‘short’ verse which actualy will be *short*. Other than that everything is open.
Good work so far team. As the English intelligensia are wont to remark: ” Make ’em ‘ave it!”
Best wishes, John
congratulations _kala
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
an owl hoot
slides across the ice
Thanks John!!!
Really happy this “I “was chosen!
_kala
g’day all
Good one Kala!
Thanks Lorin for comments on the pokies.
some offers:
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
mesmerized by prisms
on frozen catkins
or
tonight’s a pale moon,
more than washed out
a kiss on the cheeks
under winter sakura
another icy moon-
washing their dirty dishes
traces of Dracula
on frosted blood
peace and love
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
a toast, then
to ice-fishing
in a white bowl
the glow of oranges
(but does this echo too closely V2 with its colours?)
snowfall, wishing
it were the last
splintering iced puddles
with a whoop & a holler
stiff with frost
the web revealed
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
another blue whale
for ‘scientific purposes’
lorin
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
the moon finds us
in his heated plunge pool
lorin
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
and what of frost flowers
fine-etched by moonlight?
lorin
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
moon
dreaming
—
is that the moon
caught beneath ice?
—
the moon – caught
in the frozen lake
—
moon dreaming
as the snow falls
—
moonlight – falling
through snow
—
moonlight –
iced on the lake
Oh, baby, I’ve been lost…
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone (s)
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
winter mums
whiter than snow
in moonlight,
shards of ice
through moonlit shards of ice
with one cold look
the glass shatters
the iron moon
through shattered windowpanes
(a true story)
through the glass
arriving unharmed
a walk on the ice
to catch my breath
well, pleased to see you back, Willie. 😉
…but what happened to the moon haiku I sent you? It disappeared from the comments, but didn’t show up anywhere else.
Did ya trash it?
lorin
Well, gol dang it, had your comment but didn’t catch a poem! Shoot, I don’t know! Sorry ’bout that.
somebody say short?
the iron moon
through shattered glass
Love this one, Willie!
g’day all
revision:
tonight’s pale moon
washed out
peace and love
no moon tonight
hold the lantern high
so pale
the morning moon
last one:
a tiny chink of moonlight,
just enough
river of stars –
choosing shirt buttons
from the button jar (l)
among the green
a single golden leaf (g)
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone (s)
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
the iron moon
through shattered glass
Hi all, sorry for the delay – after our performance against the mighty Wolves I just had to go and get drunk!
Again, thanks for the embarassment of riches. This harsh verse of from Willie has great resonance with _kala’s maeku. And we have just asserted ‘iron moon’ as a winter kigo. Nice one.
There’s a very marginal chance of return between ‘chandelier’ and ‘glass’ in this verse. I don’t think it is strong enough to matter, but I’m just putting out a heads up.
Let’s go forward. I am immensely impressed with people’s generosity and commitment. So let’s stay open to all and ‘competitive’.
Best wishes, John
Thanks. There’s a story here, set in winter, but another time perhaps.
Just for fun, posting a love verse here!
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
the iron moon
through shattered glass
her eyes
kohl lined and alluring
she gestures to him
or
her eyes
kohl lined and alluring
she invites him in
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
the iron moon
through shattered glass
———–
and here and here
a missing temple bell,
deep resonance
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things
Best wishes, John
g’day all
Herewith some offers:
the iron moon
through shattered glass
“`
over the yardarm…
sharing cocktails
on the mountaintop
river deep
mountain high
and higher
attention! be wary
if you dare vote
today
~
Peace and Love
Hi,
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
the iron moon
through shattered glass
two lonely squatters
sharing a derelict house
and sharing blankets
Mysha
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
the iron moon
through shattered glass
____________
a reflection
of the ‘Fat Elvis’
shoots the TV
Alan Clark
loved it when Maggie
showed some leg
col
is reflection and thoughts cannon buryani
John’s ‘missing bell’ caught my eye, I’m throwing in a vote for that verse even as I submit one here!
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
the iron moon
through shattered glass
–
trees line the streets
but not a peep
from spring
hmmm…perhaps too close to _kala’s – I’ll try again later!
the iron moon
through shattered glass
confiscation list:
four catseyes two aggies
and a beachball
lorin
the iron moon
through shattered glass
confiscated:
four catseyes two aggies
and a beachball
the iron moon
through shattered glass
confiscated:
four catseyes two aggies
one beachball
lorin
or:
the iron moon
through shattered glass
confiscated:
four catseyes two aggies
one jasper
lorin
river of stars –
choosing shirt buttons
from the button jar (l)
among the green
a single golden leaf (g)
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone (s)
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
the iron moon
through shattered glass
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (J)
Hi everybody, I’ve bitten the bullet and gone with my own verse here. We have gone from ‘shatter’ to ‘myriad’. I think the answering verse needs to ‘reunify’. Not sure how!
We could go to spring, and we could go to summer, and were we to do either we could also treat the position as ‘blossom/flower’. But we could also stay non-season. We need to move away from the abstract though.
Onwards! John
Hi
OK, I’ll take the easy one
One thousand pieces
And two hours of puzzling:
A cherry blossom
Mysha
Lovely verse John!
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
the iron moon
through shattered glass
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (J)
a birdsong weaves in
the slanting sunbeams
Yes, a lovely verse John.
the iron moon
through shattered glass
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of then thousand things (j)
champagne and pictures
of the ancestors, a family reunion
or maybe just:
champagne and the ancestors –
a family reunion
from three continents,
a family reunion
Oops.
Doing this at work between classes, I made it too easy by confusing the line counts. Sorry. It should have been something like:
Two hours of puzzling
fit the jigsaw together.
Hm, sounds a bit like Humpty Dumpty, doesn’t it?
All the kings men
Had scrambled eggs.
I’m not sure that counts as together, though. Anyway, they’re probably to close to the shattered glass.
I like the champagne and the ancestors version.
(I fear, too often that’s “some beers and old feuds again” instead. I’d much rather be in a champagne reunion then. (-:)
I go through the shopping list
for the feast of this evening
Mysha
so I have to say “I love you”
in a song
the iron moon
through shattered glass
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (j)
the arras on the wall
is hiding a secret door
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (j)
the intricate arras
hides a door to a passage
an intricate arras
hides the door to a passage
ok, here’s one try from me
the iron moon
through shattered glass
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (J)
–
new shoots
white arrms exposed
/
new shoots
white arrms in a singlet
?
g’day all
interesting verse, John….
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (j)
lost in translation
somewhere in the archives
or
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (j)
listed in the museum
the bones of our past
Peace and Love
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (j)
only one bank
with a friendly dragon
or
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (j)
which butterfly feeds
on aristolochia praevenosa?
(I’d like the name of the vine to be italics.)
Peace and Love
got it
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
the iron moon
through shattered glass
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (J)
(a / one ) plume(s) of thistle down
in the iced tea
cottonwood seed drifts
through the open window
the iron moon
through shattered glass
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (j)
doing nothing
a rose is a rose
just as they are
knots in the driftwood
lorin
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (j)
under the wisteria
with his jade abacus
lorin
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (j)
beneath the wisteria
a jade abacus
lorin
the iron moon
through shattered glass
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (J)
–
cherry blossoms fry/shrivel
on corrugated iron
damn it, that probably goes back to ‘shattered’
I like ‘corrugated iron’.
How about ‘gumnuts clunk’? — Summer
lorin
well, yes ‘iron’ probably commits ‘kannonbiraki’, but you could always use gumnuts and make it into a haiku, with the right 3rd line? 😉
lorin
That’s not a bad idea at all, Lorin! Cool.
Yeah re: ‘iron’ def goes back. I was also worried about having shattered & shrivelled etc, those two destructive words so close together. sigh!
Hi Barbara,
Great name. A reply:
grateful birdwing butterflies
fluttering to the vine
g’day Genevieve
Yes, I just love pointing out this vine..the name rolls so beautifully on the tongue.
The Richmond Birdwing is quite exquisite! I am lucky to see them from time to time.
Peace and Love
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (J)
with a deep bow
Laozi hands over the Way
….or Lao Tsu
lorin
Hi team – back on dodgy kit so can’t cut and paste.
This is a tough spot. or all that I cautioned against @the abstract’ I think the link is Ashley’s
“lost in translation”
but I think line two needs more ‘distance’ in order to move the reader further on. I would advocate “the bones of our past” from his other candidate bot we have ‘bone’ in a different context and the danger of regression is too great.
lost in translation
the smile of Lao Tzu
lost in translation
…………..
Your go! John
I do like:
lost in translation
the smile of Lao Tzu
Perfect for the spot, imo!
…but isn’t the first line from Barbara’s:
lost in translation
somewhere in the archives
?
Nice melding, in any case, John, of Barbara’s and mine and that *smile* is just right. Wish I’d had the perspicacity to think of an inscrutable smile. 🙂
lorin
How about Barbara’s first line, as is, and L2 as you’ve conceived it, John, but simpler, lower register in contrast to your verse?
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (J)
lost in translation
Lao Tzu’s smile
lorin
g’day John, all
Yes, thanks Lorin for pointing to my first line. Those bones were mine also but it was silly of me not to notice bone already up there!
lost in translation
the smile of Lao Tzu/bandlandj
I too like this melded verse of John’s, but wonder if it might read:
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu
Here are some other offers using my first line:
lost in translation…
Polly puts the kettle on
lost in translation
ancient secrets
vital elements
lost in translation
Peace and Love
the iron moon
through shattered glass
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (J)
_________________
guilt is the price
for the liberty of knowing
and all the days ahead
of night beach parties
col
thanks folks. sorry for the confusion. i am reading on a very cut down version of windows ce. it is hard to see attributions. i’m minded to go with ‘that smile’. I’ll clean up the text and get a definitive workink copy up shortly when i get a tmp real pc! any last thoughts on this? next up we’ll be summer or spring. Lao Tzu could invite a trad style ‘blossom’.
best wishes, John
river of stars –
choosing shirt buttons
from the button jar (l)
among the green
a single golden leaf (g)
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone (s)
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
the iron moon
through shattered glass
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (j)
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu (b)
Hi all, yeah, coming back to this on a machine I can at least see the text on properly it looks good. Lorin points to an important series of considerations in suggesting that the exact register, and hence ‘prominence’, of a verse’s phrasing is a matter of precise judgement. Here though I think my ‘tongue of flame’ verse is most effectively answered by using the demonstrative adjective ‘that’ as per Barbara’s latter draft.
Ok team, we have the last four verses. We need to round out with ‘summer’, ‘non’, ‘spring’, ‘spring’. Or ‘spring’, ‘spring’, ‘non’, ‘summer’. Because this is a Junicho we can have ‘blossom’ in association with either, and it could in fact be a more generic ‘flower’ verse.
So – onwards. Either ‘summer’ or ‘spring’. If the former please note ‘flame’ at the last but one position. And we might be any type of flower verse – from the most radical to the most trad ‘spring blossom’.
I note in passing that we have not used ‘mountain’, ‘sea’, or a whole load of trad ‘oriental’ topics. This is an observation, not a specific inducement.
Best wishes, John
I dunno, John…’that smile of Lao Tsu’ doesn’t sound right to me. …’the smile of Lao Tsu’ and ‘Lao Tsu’s smile’ both sound right, but if ‘that’ is wanted, I think it needs to be ‘that smile of Lao Tsu’s’.
…in other words, the grammar is off, isn’t it? A difference between, eg compare ‘that portrait of Lao Tsu’ & ‘that smile of Lao Tsu’, the second seems rather surreal.
Also, the ‘of ten thousand things’ and of again in ‘smile of Lao Tsu’… is the repetition deadening the flow a tad?
Apologies if these queries are annoying, just have to let you know how it strikes me, whether I’m off-course or not.
lorin
a tongue *of* flame
to name the name
*of* ten thousand things (j)
lost in translation
that smile *of* Lao Tzu (b)
?
jumping in!
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (j)
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu (b)
–
vines march on
and their little flowers
become afterthoughts
or maybe a variant
the vines march on
their little flowers
become afterthoughts
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (j)
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu (b)
passages obscured
with a purple biro…
distant thunder
lorin
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu (b)
the text obscured
by a purple biro…
distant thunder
lorin
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu (b)
the text defaced
by a purple biro…
distant thunder
lorin
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu (b)
leaves of grass
mark the passages…
lilacs after rain
lorin
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu (b)
hues ever-changing
in sunlight and shadow
the lucerne field
lorin
g’day all
not sure I’m permitted to offer a verse for this place
but here’s a thought:
blue butterflies flutter
on the flowering spears
of balga grass
Peace and Love
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu (b)
as the fog lifts
cluster by cluster
plum blossoms
one by one
plum blossom clusters
emerging from fog
…fog or mist or haze
lorin
lorin
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu (b)
deep in the woods
among apple blossoms
the Cheshire Cat
lorin
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu (b)
perched on a bough
between apple blossoms
the Cheshire Cat
lorin
We need to round out with ’summer’, ‘non’, ’spring’, ’spring’ or ’spring’, ’spring’, ‘non’, ’summer’.
—John
***
I’m going with the summer group!
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu (b)
on a surf board
a tiny man vanishes
under a giant wave
as a firefly trails
the silence
of a mountain treetop
_kala
spring group!
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu (b)
in a straw hat
each farmer
dots the green hill
_kala
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu (b)
high on the mountain
a hidden meadow
offers its wildflowers
Nice verses . . .
_kala
My previous spring one was wrong, I guess!
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu (b)
a champa blossom
from within its heart
a bee buzzes out
_kala
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu (b)
blossom trees
holding out their boughs
on the street where she lives
on the street where she lives
blossom trees
holding out their boughs
blossom trees
holding out their arms
on the street where she lives
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu (b)
____________________
true to its name
the heather blossoms
on ‘Eilean Fraoich’
red deer
gorge themselves
on heather blossom
high on the moor
a grouse nests among
green-winged orchids
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu’s
on Eilean Fraoich
red deer graze among
the blooming heather
well they eat everything else! (whisper it – the
Scots cull their deer)
stuff like ‘of’ repetitions are more of an issue between added and last-but-one verses, and/or where the offending article/conjunction falls in a metrically identical echo. But we can’t repeat ‘name’.
I’d very much like to go with Colin’s Scottish summer blossom because the link between Lao Tzu and the moor is pure Basho as is the simple resonance of the gaelic (gallic).
My phrasing is indicative only. thoughts?
best wishes, John
ooops sorry cannot have name twice in the space of 3 verse
could have
true to nature,
the heather blossoms
on Eilean Fraoich
but i like the your suggestion also john
graze is much gentler than gorge lol
among the heather blooms
maybe be better
unless you want the associations with the song
“will ye go, lassie go
and we’ll all go together…
all around the blooming heather”
col
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu’s
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich
Thanks Colin the song may be the key here. I tried stuff like “go ye where”, which is awful. But the idea of rhetorical address and lyric/longing brings something new – talks out at us from the page.
Are we there or thereabouts team? If so next up will be our final non-season.
Best wishes, John
river of stars –
choosing shirt buttons
from the button jar (l)
among the green
a single golden leaf (g)
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone (s)
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
the iron moon
through shattered glass
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (j)
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu’s (b)
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
At last – a computer I can cut and paste on. How does this read from the beginning team?
12th March. Pretty good time! John
lovely verse …
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu’s (b)
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
listen! travelling on the breeze
a swirl of pipes
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu’s (b)
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
her last letter
so carefully folded
the smell of smoke
… and his lies
(hmm, maybe “smoke” links back to “flame” … and I wanted to ask too about the rhyme with “flame” and “name” x 2??)
while the tea draws
dancing to the radio
more lies, but oh
how the web shimmers
g’day all
Lovely, Colin. I have some distant rellies in those isles.
Herewith some offers:
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
your place, or mine –
let’s take a chance
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
forever,
in sickness and in health
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
he will na say
what’s under his kilt
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
found, new potential
at the open school
~~
Peace and love
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
writing a note by her window
the smell of the sea
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
the war-cry of Clan MacNaughton
thunders through the hills
…I know – it’s too long! but that war cry (being ‘Fraoch Eilean’ – so it says) got me in … just a little diversion ..
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
grandpa winds up
his father’s gramophone
pride of place for the
family gramophone
the heirloom gramophone
gets pride of place
lorin
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
time out
for the bagpipe player
lorin
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
pride of place for the
gramophone
lorin
Cool, Lorin – love this one, makes me smile. I try to treat all my music&devices in such a way
rushing to get one in before lunch
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu’s (b)
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
–
the shaving cream
a little pink now
😉 ah, well pink heath is the Victorian emblem flower, now, isn’t it? Since bloody Canberra took our wattle for the national. Subtley done, Ashley! (never mind the facial gashes 😉
pink heath:
http://www.anbg.gov.au/emblems/vic.emblem.html
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
beyond the sway of her hips
the surging sea
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich
a lizard leaps
to catch the fly
_kala
river of stars –
choosing shirt buttons
from the button jar (l)
among the green
a single golden leaf (g)
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone (s)
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
the iron moon
through shattered glass
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (j)
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu’s (b)
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
pride of place for the
family gramophone (l)
Hi team, nice move to pure nostalgia to a more general sense of ‘heritage’.
Ok, on to our closing spring pair. We have used ‘moon’ and ‘blossom’. Strictly speaking we perhaps haven’t had conventional ‘love’ verses – but I’m not suggesting that we have to do so now.
Please have a read back and consider what might be included in terms of ‘classic’ topics. Having said which – the emphasis is on grace and flow. Not absolute novelty.
Best wishes, John
Ps – sos Lorin, didn’t answer point on ryhme. Simple truth is that Japanese renku uses all sort of phonic and mnemonic techniques at all times. The idea that *haiku do not* is an occidental thing. Why? God alone knows.
Easiest way to get one’s head around this is to read Basho and His Interpreters which carries short exerpts of critique on a whole series of hokku/haiku – the crits themselves being from three centuries back to now. The way in which his phonics are discussed is *so* revealling.
Best wishes, John
…that was Sandra, questioning the rhyme.
imo, it’s one of the strengths of the verse, supporting the sense of an orator-poet in the ‘grand style’….’flame, name, name’. WB Yeats springs to mind.
I was lucky enough to win that book a few years ago. Must go back & reread it, as I’m sure I’ll understand more after doing some renku under your tutelage.
lorin
pride of place for the
family gramophone (l)
Wow Lorin!
Congrats! Lovely verse.
I like what you’re saying here, about this choice John.
_kala
Thanks, Kala…and thank you John for choosing my ku and your comments.
lorin
I agree, excellent choice! Love having music slip into the renku
😉 …thanks, Ashley.
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
pride of place for the
family gramophone (l)
as she takes the
groom’s hand
his mother’s tears
the way her butterfly
tattoo flutters
with each breath
thirty-two years
and still we can’t
agree on frogs
on the hillside
every ewe calls
to her lamb
g’day all
Congrats Lorin.
pride of place for the
family gramophone (l)
through spring mists
songs of praise echo
in the hills
peace and love
g’day again
pride of place for the
family gramophone (l)
front row seats
for the Buddha’s
birthday bash
peace and love
again and again…
pride of place for the
family gramophone (l)
above us
rainbow colours…
grand kites fly high
~~
pride of place for the
family gramophone (l)
come into the garden,
our Maude is making
a rain dance
~~~
peace and love
Congratulations, lorin.
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
pride of place for the
family gramophone (l)
a photograph
she’s never seen,
spring-cleaning
spring-cleaning,
a photograph
she’s never seen
spring-cleaning,
in a hidden draw
she finds a photograph
spring-cleaning
she finds a photograph
in a hidden draw
ahem, that would be drawer, Gen. (It’s pronounced the same as draw.)
must be the humidity Sandra…
spring-cleaning,
in a hidden drawer
she finds a photograph
spring-cleaning,
she finds a photograph
in a hidden drawer
pride of place for the
family gramophone (l)
Nat can sing
without end, we don’t
have to pretend
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
pride of place for the
family gramophone (l)
floating on
the silences of the song…
spring breeze
_kala
river of stars –
choosing shirt buttons
from the button jar (l)
among the green
a single golden leaf (g)
following his nose
the old dog
finds a new bone (s)
her chandelier earrings
jingle-jangle (l)
this cold morning
I sink deeper
into my thoughts (_k)
the iron moon
through shattered glass
a tongue of flame
to name the name
of ten thousand things (j)
lost in translation
that smile of Lao Tzu’s (b)
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
pride of place for the
family gramophone (l)
thirty-two years
and still we can’t
agree on frogs (s)
Hi everybody, thanks again for the very high standard of candidate verses and the rapid turn around. Sandra’s verse is so welcome because it introduces the easy familiarity of long and acustomed love – a quality we have not had yet in the poem. Its edge of mock exasperation made me laugh outloud. This is also metrically perfect with three stessed syllables in the last line – really seems to invite a response.
Which responding verse will of course be ageku – a word which doesn’t mean ‘last’ but has overtones of ‘thank God we finally got here!’.
We are nominally in ‘spring’ for this last verse. Beyond that I’m saying nothing.
Best wishes, John
ps – sorry for the confusion Lorin and Sandra. The thing which has opened my eyes to phonics in Japanese haikai is having to perform minute analyses whilst doing translations with my colleague Eiko Yachimoto. And talking of books and translations. By far the most beautiful and radical translation of Basho is Noboyuki Yuasa’s 1966 The Narrow Road to the Deep North and Other Travel Sketches. He was pilloried for using a quatrain to translate hokku – but had very good reason.
Lovely verse, warm and funny. Congratulations, Sandra.
Lorin
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
pride of place for the
family gramophone (l)
in the evening
every ewe
calls to her lamb
(I guess hillside is too close to “where the heather blooms”.)
repeating the story
my mother picks up
an asparagus spear
in the evening
the cry of the ewe
with no lamb
That’s great, thanks for your comments John – we were obviously posting at the same time!
take me where
the heather blooms
on Eilean Fraoich (c)
pride of place for the
family gramophone (l)
one warm spring
evening – dancing
to the old LPs
pride of place for the
family gramophone (l)
after dinner push
the chairs aside and
dance to the old LPs
pride of place for the
family gramophone (l)
after dinner – you
and me dancing
to the old LPs
pride of place for the
family gramophone (l)
after dinner
just you and me –
dancing to old LPs
g’day all
congratulations Sandra!
thirty-two years
and still we can’t
agree on frogs (s)
spring mists…
a puff on the peace pipe
or
thirty-two years
and still we can’t
agree on frogs (s)
sharing rice crackers
at the Nirvana Ceremony
or
thirty-two years
and still we can’t
agree on frogs (s)
St Patrick’s Day ends
with a flourish!
or
thirty-two years
and still we can’t
agree on frogs (s)
five silkworms spinning
this tranquil day
~~~
Peace and Love
dancing under
the stars
to the old LPs
Whoops – apologies – still dancing around long after the event.
Congratulations Sandra.
thirty-two years
and still we can’t
agree on frogs (s)
this warm night –
a serenade from the pond
sharing a glass of wine outside –
a serenade from the pond
…not sure if ‘serenade’ is too close to ‘gramophone’
Absolute beauty Sandra!
thirty-two years
and still we can’t
agree on frogs (s)
with that leap
a red kite twirls up
tugging at heart’s string
a red kite in the sky
an inch worm
reaches for the skies
Thanks kala, and to others too, for the kind words. Much appreciated.
thirty-two years
and still we can’t
agree on frogs (s)
dinner outdoors – old
friends and conversation
thirty-two years
and still we can’t
agree on frogs (s)
with that leap
the red kite swirls upward
thirty-two years
and still we can’t
agree on frogs (s)
____________________
mind you,
she has good legs
our youngest splashes
through mud puddles
col
thirty-two years
and still we can’t
agree on frogs (s)
this warm evening
planning our travels
pride of place for the
family gramophone (l)
thirty-two years
and still we can’t
agree on frogs (s)
–
all finished with the pruning
and the laundry window is clear
a fair bit too long I think, might try and come back to try again
thirty-two years
and still we can’t
agree on frogs (s)
water chestnuts sprouting
at the old pond
voices from the haze
of an old pond
voices from the billabong,
voices from the pond
lorin
thirty-two years
and still we can’t
agree on frogs (s)
voices from the haze
at an old pond
lorin
Hi,
I keep ending up with family gatherings and song for this one, connecting to the gramophone.
pride of place for the
family gramophone (l)
thirty-two years
and still we can’t
agree on frogs (s)
park in the evening
sharing a bench
warm evening
sharing a park bench
cherry blossom leaves
falling on our shoulders
Mysha
[thirty-two years]
and still we can’t
agree on frogs (s)
five silkworms spinning
[the] tranquil day (b)
Friends, this is the one for me. _kala’s kite was very close too. In the end I’ve gone for the silkworms spinning our poem, and the lives of the loving couple in the maeku.
We have a possible conflict to consider. It *may* be that ‘ten thousand things’, ‘thirty two years’ and ‘five silkworms’ are on enumerator too many. The number ‘ten thousand’ comes from very early metaphysics: certainly Buddhist and _kala will probably be able to tell us much older: Vedic. It is my understanding that ‘five’ is the minimum number of insects needed to produce thread and therefore appears as a fixed expression in any number of Asian languages. ‘Thirty Two’ is wonderful because it zaps us straight into an actuality. It may be that more generic phrases such as
all these years
and still we can’t
agree of frogs
are no quite as effective. I dunno. What I can say absolutely is that no convention that is regardes as a ‘rule’ of renku is broken if we retain all three. Comments please.
Barbara – I don’t think we can use the demonstrative adjecitive ‘this’ again at the head of a line – specially as we’ve also used ‘that’. In the text above I’ve put in the direct object. Thoughts please.
We also need to review the whole text. In truth I can’t think of things I’ve put on my own mental backburner. But that’s just me.
Best wishes, John
five silkworms spinning
[the] tranquil day (b)
Great choice John!
I loved this verse when I read it first and something – a woman’s intuition, perhaps ? – told me that this is the ageku you’ll choose!
Congrats Barbara!
Congrats to everyone, this renku has turned out real well.
_kala
Congratulations, Barbara.
“Comments please.” – J
John, whilst ‘ten thousand things’ seems essential, for the reasons you give & the connection with Lao Tsu (one version of the Tao Te Ching has it simply: ‘Heaven and earth begin in the unnamed: name’s the mother of the ten thousand things’)
and the specific ’32 years’ in Sandra’s ku gives a brilliant sense of actuality (to me, ‘all these years’ flattens and deadens), I find your reference to five silkworms being ‘ a fixed expression’ in Oriental languages a little arcane.
I don’t doubt your word that it is the case, but given that it’s a ‘fixed expression’, isn’t it exactly of the order of ‘the ten thousand things’, a repetition? ‘Ten thousand things’ is also a ‘fixed expression’, but one more widely known in the West by non-speakers of Chinese etc.
As a non-speaker of Oriental languages, ‘five silkworms spinning’ immediately struck me as a variation of the ‘counting list’ of the carol, ‘A Partridge in a Pear Tree’. The number seems to detract from an otherwise lovely verse, somehow clashing with ‘tranquil’.
http://www.12days.com/library/carols/12daysofxmas.htm
lorin
Congratulations Barbara! – all those mulberry leaves we used to hunt for.
Ah, but my antennae have risen at the use of the word “tranquil” which I find to be almost hackneyed in any poetic use …
hmmm… perhaps, Sandra ;-), but I have heard kigo described as ‘cliches’ by Western haiku writers, and ‘tranquil’ is a Spring kigo.
tranquil (nodoka, all spring).
(from Higginson’s ‘The Five Hundred Essential Japanese Kigo Words’ )
lorin
And I’ll just murmur about repitition once more … 🙂
we have “button” twice in the hokku and “name” twice in V7.
An observation.
…both within the one ku, though.
But, definitely an interesting point to raise in relation to ‘style’ repetition between the two verses.
lorin
And I’m not bothered by the numbers … a thread that subtly links all together, so very nice to finish with silkworms actually spinning the thread.
Might I suggest (further to my previous comment on “tranquil”):
five silkworms spinning
one last thread
five silkworms spinning
their single thread
(I didn’t know it took 5 to make 1 thread, that’s interesting.)
Or, to be really cute:
eight silkworms spinning
their single thread
(That’s us, BTW. Have I counted right?)
No, it should be nine.
g’day all
Thanks all for comments.
if revision needed
maybe this will suffice:
busy silkworms spinning
their single thread
and possibly
decades on
and still we can’t
agree on frogs
I personally love tranquil days…
Peace and Love
busy silkworms spinning
the tranquil day (b)
silkworms busy spinning
the tranquil day (b)
?
I forgot to say, before, how much I like that a reader has the choice of an implied caesura between L1 and L2, or not.
lorin
lookin goode
Hi everybody, coming back to this text fresh I feel I’ve been guilty of misdirection – particularily in repect of the verses using numbers. There are very few ‘rules’ in renku – the only really intractable on involves avoiding direct recall of the content of the last-but-one verse (a fault called ‘uchikoshi no kirai’). We don’t do this in any of our combinations. And we don’t have any instances of ‘gross repetition’ or ‘distant reincarnation’ (‘torinne’) where a given verse flashes us back inevitably to an early verse because there is so much similarity. The article ‘Occurrence and Reccurence’ on Renku Reckoner gives chapter and verse on this stuff.
No, not only can this text stand as is, alterations tend to weaken it. I’d therefore like to propose we adopt it.
I’m out of hospital and in the pub (hurray!). But I don’t have access to our recent completed poems so the text below gives single name attributions only. I’ll get it together to append the full stuff tomorrow (name, surname, place, nation).
Id GDS don’t like this poem they won’t like any renku.
Comments please, John
Sorry folks – about internal repetition: ‘button’, ‘name’ etc. There are no renku-specific or haikai-specific aesthetic judgements to be made in this regard that I’m aware of. So such issues belong to the sphere of good style or otherwise in English-language creative writing.
Best wishes, John
Thanks so much for your clear advice and comment on both this strand and the other, John.
Sorry, didn’t realise you were a patient in hospital, thought you must be working in a hospital! Glad the medical advice doesn’t involve staying off the turps. 🙂
I’ve really enjoyed being involved with both these strands and so many fine writers.
Best wishes,
Sandra
Looking good! 😉 …as is ‘First Cool Day’!
I’d gathered you were in hospital, John… in, then back in. I hope everything is ok with you now.
Great learning experience, as always here, and your comments are invaluable. Will get my head around it all one day.
😉 I rather like ‘speed renku’.
cheers,
lorin
Greatv work all round,
John,
Last one year I tried my level best to get all editors to accept _kala
Not everyone did, and ultimately by the end of the year, I saw my name in virious avataars:
As:
_kala
_Kala
_KALA
Kala Ramesh
So kindly put my name as:
Kala Ramesh
Pune, India
hi john and all
u could if need be change the double buttons thingy
to
…
choosing shirt buttons
from the sewing box/kit or something like
my details:
Colin Stewart Jones
Aberdeen, Scotland
Hi Col…???
Lorin Ford, Victoria, Australia
g’day John
All looks to me! Hope you are making a speedy recovery.
Again, thanks for all your helpful advice and commentary.
We’ll keep our fingers crossed for this poem.
Peace and Love
Barbara A Taylor
NSW Australia
Hi John and All,
Thank you John for all your attention and advice – and hope you are feeling better!
It’s been another great renku journey with lots of learning along the way.
Thanks Ashley for the site and opportunity – and when possible I would love to join in again!
All best wishes to everyone,
Genevieve Osborne
NSW, Australia.
Hi John,
They both look and sound so good!
Just one typo – missing an ‘i’ in Lancashire.
Thank you – ‘Speed Renku’ was so much fun!
All best wishes,
Genevieve.
Once again, I’m so fortunate to be allowed to write with you all.
Tomegaki
The term means something like ‘closure words’ – it refers to the semi formal practice of a poem leader (sabaki) giving a debrief once a composition is ended – drawing together some strands of thought that have arisen during composition. Personally I find it really useful as it obliges me to reflect on my own practice.
The composition of these poems has been a unique experience. The submission deadline was already a constraint – though from experience I’d expect to be able to push a ‘remote’ composition through at a little more than 48 hours a verse (we averaged more like 36). What made it so particular was the unpredictable access to the internet due to a series of unanticipated stays in this and that hospital. One minute I was at home, with an optical broadband connection to a light-speed computer, next I was trying to use some antedeluvian television-based public access system which took four hours to type and upload as many paragraphs. This is not an exaggeration!
So first to go was the ability to respond with even the minimum courtesy to all sorts of excellent queries and observations made during the composition. Next to go was the ability to track who was posting what candidate verses as the very cut down mobile interfaces I was able to get access to on most days didn’t hold the formatting which the ‘normal’ site allows. Most disconcertingly of all, I was left with little or no ‘wriggle room’ – the space in which I am used to agonising over this or that aspect of verse selection. Hell – it was hard enough to know which of the two strands I was in!
I had little option but to select a verse at a single read-through, generally without knowing the author. So it is really interesting that each poem has a similar and broad spread of contributors. And that no person is represented more than twice in any given poem. On one level this simply indicates that there were a lot of excellent people offering excellent alternatives. But it also says something about the particular and peculiar nature of renku – the massive paradox that the more disparate the elements it draws in, the greater the unity it may achieve. Because, trust me, these are both good poems which make the most of the Junicho form.
I have been mincing around the edges of metaphysics recently in order to present an overview of the historic and contemporary approaches to variety and change in a renku sequence – the article Occurrence and Recurrence is finally up on Renku Reckoner. To be honest I tend to resist all that sub-hippie bulldust about ‘cosmic gestalts’. And yet these poems are the most tangible proof I’ve ever witnessed that ideas of ‘renku as mandala’ are bang on the money.
Maybe it’s simply down to all that morphine they’ve been giving me! John
Thank you, John! Hope you’re feeling better (not morphine better though, perhaps ‘real’ better!) and for leading and teaching us once again, thank you.
I’m putting the submission together tomorrow night, so our two renku will fly off to the mercies of GDS soon, but I will try and leave these up until we get word from the eds. Gives everyone more time to have a read.
Ashley
Great, Ashley. (fingers crossed for us!) Don’t forget to do the required anonymous thing with the subs. Yikes, I’ll leave it to you to figure out how!
cheers,
lorin
Q & A
Hi folks, I’m going back into dry dock for a little while and will need to recuperate. But I’m working on the idea of getting a friend and colleague to offer to lead a poem at The Snail. Watch this space.
Meanwhile I’m looking for all those basic questions people want to ask about renku in order to put together a Frequently Asked type page on Renku Reckoner. This might be particularly useful for people who are a bit shy, and new to the genre (i.e. most of us!).
Please post any such queries to john@renkureckoner.co.uk with something like FAQ or Q&A in the subject line. Published queries will not be attributed.
Best wishes, John
John, what a superb job you’ve done, despite hell conditions to do it in!
Many thanks.
“To be honest I tend to resist all that sub-hippie bulldust about ‘cosmic gestalts’. And yet these poems are the most tangible proof I’ve ever witnessed that ideas of ‘renku as mandala’ are bang on the money.”
‘Cosmic gestalts’ would put me right off, too, but I do find Rupert Sheldrake’s ‘morphic fields’ ideas interesting. Nothing cosmic, just part of nature.
Best wishes for your complete recovery from whatever it is…and 😉 ‘May the Force be with you’.
lorin
Hi John,
If you’re using “shires” and provinces for everyone else, please note that my region is Bay of Plenty (Tauranga is the city).
Thanks.
All the very best to you John, for a speedy complete recovery.
_kala
Just a note to all the great writers involved with this Junicho (reading and writing). Please note that the closing date for the Katikati Haiku Contest is rapidly approaching – April 16.
Find entry details here:
http://www.poetrysociety.org.nz/haikunews/competitions
Many thanks for your support for this great project,
Sandra
Thanks, Sandra! Good luck to everyone who enters!
And good luck to our two Junicho – both of which are now with GDS.
Fingers crossed!
Sabaki ahoy (and a real one too)!
Hi everybody, here’s some excellent news. My friend, colleague and mentor Eiko Yachimoto will shortly be offering to lead a poem on The Snail.
For all her personal humility Eiko has been an absolutely central figure in what might be called the ‘second wave’ of the spread of renku theory and practice into English.
Working alongside colleagues in the Association for International Renku she has been instrumental in furthering an understanding of the potential for renku to develop as a unified world literature rather than fracture along cultural/linguistic grounds (as has tended to be the case with haiku).
Eiko is expert in all aspects of contemporary renku from neo-classical approaches to the Kasen right the way through to the radical and challenging Rokku which has begun to attract much interest in Japan and elsewhere. I suspect that on The Snail she may choose to adopt the Shisan, Nijuin or Kasen – any and all of which will be a revealing contrast to my recent focus on the Junicho and Triparshva.
In short, I urge you to check back – don’t miss the project’s opening – and participate directly or follow attentively.
Eiko’s command of language is highly nuanced – she publishes in both Japanese and English – so you’ve got a treat lined up.
Enjoy! John
ps – you guys are pretty familiar with my style. You are about to experience the real deal. I hope the sum of the experience might lead you to consider what *your* style might be as sabaki.
Wow, fantastic, John! Thanks for setting this up – pretty exciting stuff, we’ll definitely keep an eye out!
Hi John,
Sounds great.
Best wishes,
Genevieve.
John, that’s wonderful. Thank you so much for all that you’ve done and are doing for renku and for us learners.
I’ll certainly be checking in to see when Eiko Yachimoto might be ready to be sabaki here!
All the best to you.
Lorin
Great news John.
I echo Lorin’s words,
Waiting to hear from Eiko,
_kala
Greetings, Snailers!
Just popping in with some news, I’ve been approached to lead a ‘zombie’ renku at Cordite and we’re kicking off today, love to have everyone’s support!
Ash
http://www.cordite.org.au/newsblog/zombie-haikunaut-renga-instructions/
g’day John
Great news, and I look forward to working again with Eiko, whose articles in Sketchbook, I have read with great interest.
Thank you to you again for all your work with our recent works. I do hope we can have them published somewhere in the future. Where do you intend to offer them for a publisher’s consideration?
Peace and Love
well, the ‘zombie’ one, being on Cordite, is published as it goes, by David Prater, and is retained in the archives, as is ‘haikunaut island’.
lorin
Hi everybody, sorry to butt into the strand. I’ve set up a page ‘Exercises’ to take any subsequent exchanges.
http://www.renkureckoner.co.uk/beta
I’ve been working on some exercises to add to the Renku Reckoner site. They are in a temporary folder at the url above.
I’d be very grateful if people would have a look and give any kind of feedback on this site or direct to johncarley at virginmedia dot com
Specifically – there’s an exercise there based on a very old Chinese verse form that might qualify for a little more serious consideration. Please have a look at the Haizekku (provisionial name, might be ‘New Zekku’).
As you’ll see there’s provision on the page for some exemplars. How do you fancy attempting some?
PS – my friend and colleague Eiko Yachimoto has picked up some finger damage with consequent difficulty typing these last several weeks. Hence the no show to date in terms of a further short poem led by her.
Please post any comments (or Haizekku first verses etc) you might wish to make in this strand.
Best wishes, John
From a shisan renku I’ve been struggling with-
what the heck, close my eyes and fire away…
cherry sapling
pavements and peeling brick
blush pink in early light
the detrius of years past
tumbles down the alley
from this vantage
faceless voices below
ring familiar
clouds in water
pierced by the whales song
Hi everybody, sorry to butt into the strand. Good news though.
After becoming involved in an altercation between a large piece of bamboo and a very sharp knife the internationally renowned renku poet Eiko Yachimoto has managed to reattach all her typing fingers. She will therefore shortly be appearting here at The Snail in order to lead a new sequence.
Accordingly check out the page New Sequence (tab at head of this page). Soonest.
Best wishes, John
Hi everyone, bad news, GDS have passed on our speed renku, so it’s on to the next market!
More news soon