Hi all, I tried to post an brief intro yesterday but messed up – being on a public access network. Anyway, here goes:
My friend, colleague and respected mentor Eiko Yachimoto is the real thing – first and foremost a poet of uncontested ability who just happens to have a huge understanding of, and passion for, renku. With Eiko the poetry comes first, second and third; technical considerations come fourth.
I guess it was inevitable that the early spread of interest in renku amongst English speaking people would be accompanied by all sorts of misconceptions, rigidities, simplifications and distortions. But where Eiko, and a number of her colleagues from the Association for International Renku, shine is in instinctive understanding of the universality of the human condition. Therefore, although renku has arisen in a particular linguistic and cultural setting, there is nothing in it which may not be understood.
How do you do? I am much less than what or who my friend, John, kindly described above. But he is right in one point. I strongly believe in renku power. And I feel truly excited about getting to know you as we collaborate.
The site above is where I occasionally write just for myself and this is the first time I let people have the address. Having
visited some pages of Issa’s Snail, I feel like sharing
my *naked*thoughts . Well, I have to warn you for the language…( I write there in Japanese)
Dear Barbara and kala,
So good to see you here. We have collaborated a couple of
times and I know what a talented poet each of you are.
Let us explore the mystery and the charm of renku again.
Do correct my Japanese accent and strange phrasing. Never
take them as cute or something. I count on you! I have
a sincere respect for the English language.
Dear John,
My white bandage still attracted attention in today’s mass!
But the wound seems to start healing and now I wonder
why I do not blame my right hand that did the cut. I get
philosophical and ponder on the mission of a ring finger
vs all fingers etc. Meanwhile thank you for introducing me to this nice group of poets!
Everyone,
I have one deadline to meet and plan to start New Sequence
on May 8. Please look around and in you and write a couple of
hokku candidates when you have time.
Very much looking forward to working with you! I wish I knew how to translate your website, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve read the renku ‘October Rain’ and your tomegaki for it at ‘Simply Haiku’.
“Please *look around and in you* and write a couple of
hokku candidates when you have time.”
I would assume that whatever season it is where we are is what’s wanted, and therefore whether we write a Spring or Autumn verse is up to us.
Five of the participants are located in the Southern Hemisphere (where it’s Autumn) I don’t think there’s any basis for assuming that Eiko would want a Spring hokku particularly, though of course it’s an option.
I haven’t been able to write a thing! Never mind, a couple of days still to go. 🙂
the banners
for Buddha’s birthday – a smile
ripples in the wind
(even in Melbourne we have these banners advertising the events held in the City to mark the occasion…this year, the weekend of 15th-16th May: http://www.buddhaday.org.au/
Though officially our Winter doesn’t begin until June, I noticed this on Bill Higginson’s site:
Early Winter = Nov (Northern Hemisphere) or May (Southern Hemisphere)
Mid Winter = Dec or Jun
Late Winter = Jan or Jul
It doesn’t feel right to me, especially since it makes December here mid-Summer instead of early Summer, with scorching February late Summer, but just in case, here’s another hokku candidate:
winter shower –
the words I can’t find
might fall from the sky
I can relate to this, Lorin.
Late spring here, (our northern border U.S. spring lingers interminably, recalling winter and /or harkening summer) I sat knocked back with a cruel sinus headache (too much info, I know, but my head is like some ancient barometric device) writing some posh talk to our buddy John C., when I heard pellets of hail rain down on the dirty asphalt outside the window. It sounded like dropping a trout filet (head attached, the only way to eat fresh caught Rainbow) into a frying pan on low heat.
It either meant I was hungry or a signal to produce something relevant to the human condition.
I’m still hungry…
Thank you for warming the house for a coming session!
I would like to share with you two texts I happened to encounter while wondering how to answer one gigantic question directed to me two months ago: “What is the purpose of renku?”
(text 1)
Some people say that there is nothing more vivid or memorable than a picture, but this claim is simply not true. No visual image is as clear as the image created by the mind in response to words. The main function of the writer or poet, in fact, is to enable people to see more deeply into things than they can with the unaided eye. There is more to life than meets the eye, and this is what good prose or poetry is all about. It is not true that one picture is worth a 1000 words. It takes only a few words – if they are the right words – to ignite the imagination and produce pictures far more colorful than anything within the range of electronic communication.
(text 2)
If poetry is to survive as a means of communication, it must become necessary to people. Necessary, not in the way that bread is necessary, but in the way that an annual holiday in the country is necessary to town-workers: as a refreshment of the emotional life. This may sound to modern ears as an extravagant claim. But consider. Poetry is a recreation. It is, first, a perpetual recreation of language; the poet must have
an unusually sensitive ear for words; he listens to the idioms of his age and heightens it into a poetical language. He is a scientist of words; his experiments with them depend for their success on a hair’s-breadth accuracy; he is perpetually seeking new combinations of them, as a scientist seeks new chemical combinations. In a period such as the present, when language suffers from exhaustion, this function of the poet is of utmost importance.
I have not yet worded my answer for the questioner,
but I AM seeing it and it includes two points in the texts above
plus the need of a soul of being in touch with another soul living in THIS world as a person not only with all those wars, problems, prejudices but also with wonderful mysteries of nature.
Oh, my finger is almost healed and I can type like this!
Had a chance to read/write some catch phrases and general thoughts and scenes of various seasons.
Someone from Sendai, Japan found our fledging (one year old) renku blog via a tea company’s web site link, so I linked back and learned a little about tea farming throughout the year.
Maybe I can use something from that excursion, yet, I had more pleasure imagining working on a tea farm. Not being the owner, just someone who works there. Of course if one worked there long enough, one could acquire some skill and knowledge.
evening rain
under the porchlight
dad calls us all in
a fine garden
in the traffic circle
once more around
spring melancholy
the green glass tortoise
in morning dew
without regret
hanging up her beret
she slips into autumn
green dampness
through the open window
prickly milk thistle
passing through
the rusty gate
wild gardens
second harvest
in the tea tree’s grove
frog’s serenade
tender dreams
of my old black hat
snow on tea leaves
first strong gusts
the hawk as still life
gliding, soaring
Since we live in various parts of the earth, don’t worry about kigo as code language. For the hokku, include a word that will give a hint on the real season you are in.
I would like to choose our hokku in three steps:
step one: I make a short list tomorrow . (about 12 hours from now)
Barbara, if you write more candidates, please
send them by that time. Same to everyone.
step two: I ask everyone to pick one out of the short list.
The verse that gain most votes becomes the renju’s choice.
*if renju and your sabaki choose the same verse, that becomes our hokku.
*If not, we will have a discussion session to compare the two.
step three: We will edit one or the other so it qualifies as a good hokku.
Meanwhile I would like to decide which form of renku we
will be writing after we have written our hokku, waki and daisan.
As I don’t know at all the “zekku” and feel interested in Japanese poetry, I would be glad to try myself with you again (drop out in case…).
Poetry is a recretion, yes, it is, it’s blowing air in a balloon, it is, above all ((to me) an emtional experience… translate one’s feelings into words. By the way, the interest of renku, that has the capacity of writing your personnal life all along it’s way nd sharing emotions with the others. A link between humans? This -not so wonderful world- needs it. Not in India perhaps, where people experience everyday the sharing of their life with others. In the occidental world, this is quite different, walls everyday tighten the already opened -gaps that separate people… sorts of class ghettos.
So poetry could play the role of having people united, re-united?-. A link, just like in renku ! (Remembering that wondrous Indian film (beginswith a man in a whiteshirt cimbing down of a bus, if I remember well) shot in a hardest poverty’s surrounding where people share their single roupi and only have their smile to offer to be happy and make the others happy !
the cow on
the road – peacefully resting
among humans
bamboos weeping over
River Li – the cormorant’s
fisherman
right out there
there is a path enlarging
with blubells and stars
Sorry, Kala, I… don’t think I’m Sprite !! However, Sprite (kokkshut, here) sometimes appears on haiku.fr.
I have no idea of the film’ title. Maybe, fifteen years ago ? Just watched on Wikipedia without results. Vityajit Ray was the single name I know.
Smiling is their only reason to live on… A great film
smiling is their gold
on their hands and faces
the full moon ‘s light
Keep that quietness, nothing is worse than the cost of industry on people’s souls !
Here is my short list numbered only for the purpose of
your voting. Please read my comments down below.
1) in rising mist
a silver cockatoo calls
to hold the valley (mist/autumn)
2) * if this is the first letter
snowflakes,
I have to smile (first snowflakes/early winter)
3) * through a window
cows line up afloat
on morning fog (fog/autumn)
4) gathering of friends-
a fresh wind burnishes
the rose-hips (rose-hips/autumn)
5) in from icy paddocks–
the pot-belly
chuckles its welcome (icy/winter)
6) *”count me in”
persimmons lighting
our way home (persimmons/autumn)
7) *water ripples
beneath a boatman’s song
…summer moon (summer moon/summer)
8)*the wind shakes loose
a few autumn leaves–
Mother’s Day (autumn leaves/autumn)
9)*there is a path
ever enlarging with
bluebells and stars (bluebell/summer)
10) spring melancholy
the green glass tortoise
in morning dew (spring/spring)
================
I feel daunted being aware that I am to be judged by my selection.
Those candidates with the * mark have been tweaked
by your sabaki.
I lengthened some of your offers because it is Vital for
any renku to have ripples generated by chaining long and
short verses in turn. Hokku is a long verse and if
it is not long enough, we have problem in writing a short
verse.
Hokku/waki pair is about the real situation we are in.
We go into the renku world of wild imagination from the
third (Daisan) onward.
Renku is an art of momentum. And it is best we compose
in a pleasant tempo.
Those offers not selected Do have grace. Thank you so
much for sending them.
I should note I’m very pleased to meet you even after my late appearance, by the way! (Funny…and John warned me to be ready!)
Tonight, I’ve risen to check the sequence…
I enjoy #4 for it’s reference to a gathering and the burnishing; as though we might practice our best writing, even though it is the wind, fickle it may be, that actually refines the “product”. The verse seems suitable for a beginning, all of us a little nervous early on (read the previous commentary!) yet still friends, even though we haven’t been together for awhile.
Not to judge you, but I was surprised you picked my # 10-
I wasn’t sure ‘melancholy’ would be suitable, plus it included the season name this early on, though secretly it was my favorite of my submissions; I’ll not go into why.
I think you mean cirrus, but at the moment we are not submitting new verses, but commenting on the selection that the sabaki has made so as to choose a hokku (lead verse for the poem).
I’ve been out, Mothers’ Day here today, and pleasant weather…lunch and then an afternoon in the Botanical Gardens with my son.
There are some excellent offers here.
After mulling them all over, my first choice (leaving my own aside, of course) is
5) in from icy paddocks–
the pot-belly [stove]
chuckles its welcome (icy/winter)
…though I’d prefer the full, less ambiguous term, ‘pot-belly stove’ in a hokku. It gives a sense of hearty warmth and sets a welcoming, sheltered Winter scene.
Good choices you’ve made and what a spread we have before us.
It’s difficult to choose one . . .
Lorin, I think “the pot-belly” here is the laughing Buddha?
Or I might be wrong, of course!
Thanks Sandra and Barbara for your votes.
water ripples / beneath a boatman’s song
Yes Barbara, summer has begun in full eanest.
India has six seasons, two months each and so March / April is spring for us, and May / June is summer followed by monsoon for the next two months!!
Mangoes are flooding the market . . .
This verse is about our trip to Banaras, and about the boat ride on river Ganga. Unforgetable.
Yes! The boat ride across life | across the renku journey! 🙂
My first choice ( would be mine: for reasons stated above) but leaving that aside it would be:
verse # 1
in rising mist
a silver cockatoo calls
to hold the valley
But . . .
I’m not very comfortable with L 3 here. . .
can a cockatoo call “to hold the valley”
Maybe it’s a term I’m not aware of . . .
My second choice is verse # 8.
Very nice, and topical.
That image of the tortoise is a strong and original image. It was a toss-up between this of Willie’s and Kala’s ‘boatman’ for my second choice.
It’s a little revelation to me, though, that a renku may begin on a note of overt melancholy. (That probably makes it obvious to you that I’ve not been involved in as many renku as most of the others in the group)
I notice you’ve taken out ‘green’ from the original, and am curious as to your reasons why, (though I do see that without ‘green’, the reader can infer a clear glass tortoise or a blue one (I have a blue glass turtle! ) or any colour that comes to mind.
Green glass, though, has interesting historical/cultural references in relation to melancholy. The green glass of a certain era (pre WW2) is often referred to now as ‘Depression Glass’, is ‘collectible’ in a minor way, and is called so because it was the cheapest and most available form of glassware during the Depression years.
Whether Willie intended that allusion or not, I can’t tell, nor whether the melancholy wit of a big city dweller is at play here with ‘green’ (green/greening so Spring related, but grass and trees rare in a city)
Just ‘glass’ does leave the poem more open the readers.
I’d love to know your thinking behind to cut, though, otherwise I’m just guessing.
I am hugely embarrassed! It is my careless mistake not to have typed ‘green’ before ‘glass’. In my image I do have a green glass tortoise. Taking as many as three syllables
(mi-do-ri), it can’t be included in Japanese translation, but that is irrelevant here. I am very very Very sorry
for this careless mistake. I chose this without any change, as it was offered originally.
(verses with a clear cut)
To have a cut means or should mean that
a poem is charged with energy in between.
And this poetic energy should happen in between verses
in following verses, in other words tsukeku (a verse
composed to link) must not have a cut. Hokku is the only
verse with a cut, well theoretically speaking it is.
All three make a good hokku.
In fact I was thinking of a waki for spring melancholy verse so
a pair becomes positive. please see below.
gathering of friends-
a fresh wind burnishes
the rose-hips
the wind shakes loose
a few autumn leaves–
Mother’s Day
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise (sits)
in morning dew
across from a muddy aisle
the scent of wild rose
(verses with nice social greetings)
I was Very much attracted to the following verses.
A cockatoo can be a sabaki… A letter from the sky
received with a smile is wonderful.
But excluding the rose-hip verse, they have the prosody of tsukeku to me.
in from icy paddocks–
the pot-belly stove*
chuckles its welcome
gathering of friends–
a fresh wind burnishes
the rose-hips
in rising mist
a silver cockatoo calls
to hold the valley
if this is the first letter,*
snowflakes,
I have to smile
Frankly speaking I chose all ten telling myself
any can be a hokku with its own poetry, but alas,
I have to pick one to start our renku.
Many people seem to believe that war, love, sickness, negative feelings can not make a hokku. I learned that all those taboos are applied to omote (first six verses excluding a hokku) in modern times. This way people can write a renku when they are triggered to do so by the power of a particular poem that they encountered.
Hokku will be OUR hokku and I would like to hear from
everyone.
“I learned that all those taboos are applied to omote (first six verses excluding a hokku) . . . ”
ah! Thank you, Eiko. Through John, I had learnt that the hokku was exempt from certain restrictions which applied to other verses, but I had not understood well enough. Now I am much clearer about it, thanks to you.
That’s great! It certainly allows for much more of a variety of hokku in renku, and in the tone of a renku.
I didn’t think of translation being a factor in deciding whether or not the glass turtle would be ‘green’ or not. That was silly of me, but I’m really pleased you explained it. This is how I learn. 😉
I am most certainly not offended by the omission of one word! Rather, it humorously reminds me of my own fallibility. Thank you for the lesson!
I should withold comment on the verse submitted until others have a chance to “weigh in”. I will mention now it was initially a sub-conscious feeling I immediately seized on.
Willie, omote means front/surface ura back/ reverse side.
What stuck me was the word privateness! I guess Japanese
people in the time of Basho or before did not have the
concept of privacy. Front/back, outside/inside.
Lorin, you might find the following interesting, even though
we most probably Not writing a shisan renku this time.
Thank you for the link, Eiko. The part about translating EL verses into Japanese was very interesting! Debate still continues within the EL haiku community as to whether EL haiku without a strict syllable count is ‘free verse’ or not, so it is quite pertinent.
I do not envy the predicaments that translators find themselves in!
Beyond that point, all of the essay is valuable for us to read and learn a little more about renku and about y6our findings and conclusions.
I am happy to see all these offers; the sign that you have
accepted the hokku as ours.
Barbara, you are Not mistaken. I copy my word from the screen above:
” If you accept this as YOUR hokku, please write a waki
with a spring kigo.”
And there ARE a few waki offers including a spring kigo. To
those of you who forgot to do so, I say I used to forget it
all the time and felt why the inclusion of a kigo’s so important.
Here is a short list:
Lorin, thank you for reading the tomegaki. The funny thing is
I tend to enjoy this predicament! eiko
Seen from here in full spring with nature surgingS, nature ablaze with colours, with yellow blooming everywhere, the spring melancholy has an unfortunate mood… Green glass is pallid (to me), transluscent, almost unseen… A tortoise (so neat the ground) doesn’t elevate your soul.
As for the dew… dew in spring is tainted with bright colours, it shimmers in the sun, it sparkles on petals – so, well, I’am a bit stunned ! Rather dull to me, lacking juice… Well, I’m no specilaist for choosing this hokku. However, wondering where is thesubstnce in this green glass tortoise.
Really prefer the boatman’s song and thesound of water.
The choice lays in Eiko and the sabaji’s thought !
rising sun
dreaming awake with the
blackbirds’ sugared song
spring melancholy
the green glass tortoise
in morning dew (Willie)
I like Willie’s verse a lot.
My first choice was #7 – water ripples/beneath a boatman’s song – for its lovely sense of movement and momentum. For me it has a magnetism – pulling us all in and starting us on the forward journey of the renga and also nice connections between ‘boatman’ and sabaki, the one steering, and ‘song’, the song offered by us and chosen by the boatman.
But I agree that Willie’s verse is ‘truly independent and original’ and a fresh, strong image – and I’m sure melancholy can attach itself to any season.
Thanks for all your votes for the boatman’s song.
It feels really good 🙂
But, in one way, I’m happy Eiko didn’t choose it because I wrote it with the spring moon in mind and Eiko had changed it to a summer moon, which to me – living in India is sort of a bright moon.
It seemed to spoil the whole effect for me.
I still remember the full pregnant Ganga and the serene ambience as I took that ride, a year back.
water ripples
beneath a boatman’s song . . .
hazy moon
well, I hope you can take the glass tortoise as something
we are going to nurture feeding our verses so it grows
to its potential.
let us wait for ashley and barbara.
kala, a season’s name (spring in this case) is the strongest kigo and we don’t have to worry about “dew” which is listed as an autumn kigo. We all know dew exists in spring.
An example of three kigo haiku which is So popular from Edo period:
mini wakaba(5) yama hototogisu (7) hatsu gatsuo(5)
green leaves for eyes
mountain cockoos for ears
first bonito to eat
I understood you perfectly Eiko.
but I also know that not all hokku are from the present felt moment – many are written before and used as a hokku 🙂
There is no proof – we just have to take the poet’s word for it!
And I see no difference in writing in the present moment or submitting something that was written in the past, which was also the “present moment” then.
Just some thoughts that I thought I could exchange, because we go through the renku journey, time and again, with all these issues unresolved!
I may understand Kala’s point regarding hokku; isn’t it true some might arrive at a renku party with a verse “in hand’, something prepared, compared, worked on and saved for just such an event? Maybe I’m just confusing things…
It’s two in the morning here, and I’ve just awakened; allow me to make this comment out of turn, please.
When I observed our green glass tortoise the other day, I considered the obvious lack of wildlife in an old city. Oh, it exists: one has only to look carefully.
I hear crows call at dawn before the noise of traffic begins, or hear the pigeons murmuring as they prepare to take their exercise from their billboard roosting place next door.
Sometimes rats emerge from the city sewer to play and hunt on the quiet streets late at night, while moths and insects abound beneath city streetlights.
Some call the populated city a dead place, not suitable for the heart of hokku composition, but we all work with what we have.
I commend the notice of my double kigo ( spring melancholy, morning dew) though I’ve read that to be successful in such a choice, one must be more powerful than the other to stand out and define a season or add depth to a poem.
I’d be interested to learn more of the origins of “spring melancholy”: I’m sure its roots are very deep. I think, perhaps, even today I can understand it.
Someone mentioned the color green as wit, and in retrospect, I agree that is a good observation! Not only that, I propose reference to a third kigo after further contemplation!
My haiku friend Hisashi from Kyoto recently wrote a verse describing Tortoises Crying; I believe this kigo’s origins to be 1000 years old, a fictional device from a long ago author, a time much further back than the age of this old city I live in.
I saw the tortoise’s face dripping with dewy tears, as though lamenting the season, or its own fate, and I found this image to be humorously ironic!
I’m really enjoying this discussion! I;ll be quiet now so others may join in-goodnight my renju friends!
whoops! I was going to respond to Kala but then changed my mind, went off and made a cup of tea, thought about Willie’s hokku and came back, but obviously I made a mistake and posted a potential waki there. Sorry, Eiko and All.
…re-posting it here, where it should be:
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew/ willie
footprints leading
beyond the menagerie
* Willie’s hokku put me in mind of the Tennessee Williams play, ‘The Glass Menagerie’.
Well, well, when we attend a renku session, we most likely
take trains. And we, renkujin, agree based on years’ expeirence that we can make a good hokku candidate in the train ride to a particular session.
As far as I know, hardly anyone brings in his/her favorite precious saved for many months, years? for the hokku purpose. Believe it or not, we do see the difference when that should in fact the case. (such a verse is called harami-ku and not respected for the renku purpose)
The idea is sharing. Sharing of the same day. (in our internet renku, not necessarily same day, but same period)
Sharing our existence in the same planet (almost) in the same time.
It is revolutionarily wonderful
to feel from each of you that the globe is circling and the axis
of the globe has that angle to generate each different season in varioust parts, all thanks to your presence and the space age technology we are living in. I maybe
naive, but I want to start all renku from sharing the same time. (not same season) Renku is a poem of time. And time
means life.
Willie, thank you for telling us the scene! Which city do you live?
I know you are fast asleep by now! good night,eiko
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew/ willie
it’s tortoises
all the way down
(not a serious submission 🙂 but it occurred as fitting with melancholy/ depression as much as with the ‘infinite regression’ it’s used to illustrate, and if one looked at a dewdrop reflecting a tortoise, there’s be many tortoise images…or that’s how dew or raindrops can reflect things sometimes, anyway.
longest night –
a rat drags my soap cake
down the hall
…but I actually formed a bond with that rat (in the end) and learnt a bit about rats. I can tell stories about it! So glad it didn’t choose to nest at my place, though.
“If you accept this as YOUR hokku, please write a waki
with a spring kigo.”
I am not sure I follow this. I usually have written waki as a linking verse in the same season but not necessarily with a kigo word, so this was new to me.
Apologies, green is already in hokku, so here is
another replacement offer:
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
haunting screeches soar
between the mists
~~~
Here I have, as in my previous offers, aimed to use a
spring kigo word. But noone else has, so I must be misunderstanding somethings.
Here’s my spontaneous reaction to this hokku:
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
Eiko has a post in the wordpress system, but it won’t show up for some reason, something is wrong with the website I think, but I will repost if it doesn’t appear soon
I am happy to see all these offers; the sign that you have
accepted the hokku as ours.
Barbara, you are Not mistaken. I copy my word from the screen above:
” If you accept this as YOUR hokku, please write a waki
with a spring kigo.”
And there ARE a few waki offers including a spring kigo. To
those of you who forgot to do so, I say I used to forget it
all the time and felt why the inclusion of a kigo’s so important.
Here is a short list:
1.
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
one slow shoots curls
around my finger
2
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
*wafting on balmy wind
window-cleaner’s whistle
3
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
across from a muddy aisle
the scent of wild rose
4
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway
5
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
*willow leaves rustle
beyond the menagerie
6
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
on trees, the birds
weaving their songs
7
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
*blooming rosemary
on the neighbor’s windowsill
*I am having a problem using this narrow window! I wanted to put a mark
on those offer that I tweaked to add a kigo, but I can not go back!
*Ashley, a hokku/waki pair is supposed to be in the same place, at the same time
I assume the protagonist is already outdoor.
Please let me know which number is your favorite. When I count the vote, I count
the one you chose as the best. But please feel free to talk about all offers.
This selection has beautiful verses and combinations. Lovely to read them all.
Because I feel sad by the hokku I must give my vote to
#6. It shifts us to joy from melancholy, the firm linkwith nature wherein we are the birds, here to tell our story…
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
it’s a beautiful image of the coiled fern fronds framing the path – and perhaps can also echo a certain swaying in the gait of the tortoise – and in the word ‘fiddle’, brings music in. Could we be the ‘fiddlers’?
o, I had read your note to Barbara (repeated here above your selections) , Eiko and went away to look up kigo, have breakfast and write a few offers which included kigo. Looks like I missed the deadline. Never mind.
I like the shoot curling round the finger, ‘shoot’ seems a natural sort of kigo that’d be common in many parts of the world, and Spring is the ‘quickening’, in both senses of the word:
#1
one slow shoots curls
around my finger
I imagine a pea shoot, that fresh, bright green, and someone gone out to check on his climbing peas. I’m not sure about ‘slow’ shoot, though … 🙂 the shoots of climbing plants such as peas are quick compared with other shoots, and to glass tortoises, but slow compared to human or animal movement. The unmoving tortoise and the rapid growth of Spring shoots is a nice contrast.
a pea shoot curls ?
I also like:
#3
across from a muddy aisle
the scent of wild rose
…yet ‘aisle’ takes me indoors, perhaps to a church. Perhaps it’s meant to?
…also,
#4:
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway
…again, like the shoots ku, an echo of the tortoise’s green in a living thing and the contrast of moving/ life with unmoving, art.
Oh, first you asked what city do I live in, Ms Eiko:
St. Paul, Minnesota, USA, the state capital. Minneapolis adjoining is much more well known. The two together are known as the Twin Cities.
St. Paul is the northernmost port on the Mississippi River for riverboats and barges, and was once also a railroad hub. It owed its early success and growth to being a transportation point for the breadbasket of the central US.
harvest moon
halcyon days
in river town
My first thought is of verse length, then prosody, then applicability to hokku:
#1
one slow shoot curls
around my finger
a strong declaration, simply worded
# 2
I may like this image most of all, yet find the grammar a little odd, and yet, rearranged, it is still 14 syllables:
the window cleaner’s whistle
wafting on a balmy breeze
#3
across the muddy aisle
scent of wild rose
I changed this slightly so it made more sense to me.
#5
willow leaves rustle
beyond the menagerie
I wasn’t sure of ‘rustle’, but now I like the ambiguity of perception of something commonplace that could be surreal. Perhaps now this is my first choice…
#6
May I suggest, please
the birds weaving song
in the trees
this version may be so succinct, it could possibly use an adjective for the trees
#3
across from a muddy aisle
the scent of wild rose/ Eiko
across the muddy aisle
scent of wild rose – W’s variation
That’s interesting, Willie, but you may be right.
English prepositional idioms are hard, and also vary from region to region!
…I ‘m not keen on your leaving out the article in L2, though Willie. Tonto rides again 😉
Eiko, ‘across from…’ shows the place where the scent of wild is (as in ‘Across from the Town Hall is the Post Office.’) whilst ‘across …’ shows that the scent moves across the aisle. eg “Across the muddy aisle (comes) the scent of wild roses’.
I still think of ‘muddy’ being outdoors, rather than indoors.
along the/ this muddy lane
the scent of wild roses
Do you refer to the surname Sorlien, of which there are very few? My mother’s first name was Ceclia, middle name …Anne? Haven’t seen her for 50 years…a long story.
Even I felt ‘from’ was redundant, Willie.
This verse would be my first choice.
Eiko, isn’t rose a summer season word?
Is ‘muddy’ a spring word, and so this was chosen?
Yes, this is definitely a beautiful verse. This melancholy gives a slow rythm to the verse… The heart of the verse and inside the life with the turtle,
spring melancoly
a green glass turtoise
on morning dew
a drop quivers at the tip
of an unfurling lilac’s leave
or
spring melancholy
a green glass turtoise
on morning dew
the lamb gently sucks
the ewe’s full teats
or
spring melancoly
a green glass turtle
on morning dew
murmurs of the sap – the eagle
glides over the corrie
? better like that :
the eagle glides over
the corrie – the sap’s murmurs
Please, how many are-we allowed to ? Do we have to stay in spring ?
Let me choose one . Your submission came
a little later than expected, but not too late.
a drop quivers
at the tip of lilac
Everyone this has got the number 8. Claire, we are writing
a short verse now, so I have to shorten your offer…
Willie,
Sorry to get excited. St. Paul did it. I have a lot of fond memories on your old city. Willie happens to be the name
of Anne’s son who must be twenty three this year.
I am leaving to see my friend and will get back three hours
or so later.
I was too late to submit some verses with kigo, after I’d read the post re kigo, which I’d misunderstood in the original mention, looked up possible Spring kigo, had breakfast and written one attempt which I was about to post when I discovered that the selections had already been made this morning, yet Claire, two hours later, was *not* too late?
I must say I’m having difficulty working out the time frame for submissions in this renku.
I’ll be back in the morning again to check what’s happening, but I have commitments for the day and may not have time before I leave to even try to jot something off for the next verse, which is disappointing.
Oh, dear lorin, don’t be disappointed. Claire hasn’t
submitted anything and that was why I extended
the time. The reason why I said Not too late is because I did make a short list but I have not yet
selected a waki.
The last thing I want to do is to disappoint you by
the time frame for submission.
Everyone,
When you are going to submit additional offer(s) later,
please warn me. When one takes part in a sit in session
it is often the case that a sabaki makes decision even
before you turn in any of your candidate verse. It is all because the session becomes alive with the momentum.
Since we are not meeting in person, to
breathe in a communal tempo is not easy, some difficulty arises inevitably.
Let us
find a nice balance between gaining momentum and
including all offers for assessment!
Since we have not talked about this , I won’t make a decision on which to become the waki for our hokku for the next 24 hours from now. Those of you who would
like to replace the one edited by me with your offer including a spring kigo picked up by you, please send
it to me.
Sandra, thank you for dropping me a line. That really helps.
With a bow,
eiko
*if you have some time to spare, read the new chapter
of my Hisajo series which has just become on line, will you please?
Sorry, I simply won’t get back to this today – taxi driver to a violin lesson NOW, back to be chief cook and bottlewasher, then off to a committee meeting.
I wouldn’t change it, Barb, though I suppose a Yank would just say “path”, and I ‘spose I prefer that rhythm.
The two verses I find most applicable to hokku reference glass-The window cleaner and the menagerie. I wonder if window cleaner is too long and is there another choice for the action in menagerie.
Of course, some of the stuff I conjure is really out of “left field” sometimes-lots of folks find it inappropriate, unintelligible even…
“It’s my environment, Officer Krupke!”
West Side Story
The green glass turtoise stunned me because… it is equal to “une tortue de verre vert” (verre(glass) and vert (green) have the same pronunciation in my language ; still better, une tortue et un ver de terre (earthworm) en verre vert ! However, yes there is some melancoly at the beginning of spring when the air is somewhat mild and trees… black, yet…
Good luck for your greased pig. Don’t blood it… poor thing !!!
Hi Eiko,
No, I don’t want to submit any more offers for the waka position : I accepted that it was too late when I saw you’d made selections, and that was fine. But I’d assumed that it would be too late for anybody to submit after that time.
I had somehow missed that you wanted kigo in the waka, and only understood when I read your reply to Barbara (or was or Genevieve?) yesterday morning. That is the reason I would’ve submitted further verses, had it not been too late: my prior submissions were invalid, as they contained no kigo.
I was concerned yesterday afternoon that you would’ve made your selection for the waki sometime last night and I wouldn’t have time to write anything to offer for the third verse between this morning and this evening, and this would’ve made it two consecutive verses I’d missed…the first because of a misunderstanding (no kigo in my subs) the second because I wouldn’t have had time to submit anything at all before the next selections were made.
Thank you for extending the time, though it was the ‘workable’ time between ‘call for submissions’ and ‘1st selections’ I was concerned about.
Will be back tonight, and looking forward to reading about your final selection for the waka. 😉
I spent part of last night reading and trying to understand how zekku worked on John’ s “exercise page. I haven’t read any finished zekku yet ! I just feel as if I had stolen your place ! Which is untrue as I never copied anybody’ writing on the kasen.
I posted my three right after in the night. How could I know what time it was all around the world ? These were the onlu three submissions I did ! I do think I didn’t take much place !
Are-we in the army or the world football cup ?
Pleasure of writing and humility, first
Claire
PS : Should a deadline be necessary ?
It’s 01 : 11 pm and now, go to slee p….. kana ya !
Hi Claire, no, nothing to do with you ‘having stolen my place’! You haven’t. How could you? That’s clearly a misinterpretation on your part.
As to ‘deadline’, I would appreciate a guideline of some sort as to when selections might be made. As you say, it is different times all around the world and we all probably have different sleeping, waking, working and free times, even if we were all in the same time zone (which we’re not)
I do appreciate Eiko’s understanding that it’s a balance between keeping a momentum going and allowing people in all time zones to read and participate. I want to co-operate as much as possible!
7:45 pm here, Weds. 12th, and it’s dinner, then sleep for me until the morning.
Sorry, Lorin… When I opened the zekku page, it just appeared as a beehive to me ! And not knowing about time here and there, I just wondered what. Just remember, there was a one day, one night, and part of another day flight to Sydney bck to 2000 Olympics !
Down Under is far below ! And a whole week for letters from my penpal in Bli Bli, cheers too… Cl
reason: I am afraid ‘fresh’ is an autumn kigo.
window/glass like is too nice to discard.
claire,
I do not like the word ‘deadline’ either. However
renku is an art of time and momentum and I would appreciate
if you keep your eye to the development as if you keep an eye
to your stew pot on the fire.
lorin,
thank you for clarifying your concern. That is kind of you.
Thank you, Eiko, that is a better version. I didn’t consult a sajiki, guessed that “fresh” was spring – badly, as it turned out. 🙂 Sorry about that.
It’s nice of you to take the time with my verse.
I didn’t particularly care for “balmy breeze” because it’s part of a well-known lyric to an old pop song here and when I hear those two words together in my head it always, but always, brings that song to mind (if not to my lips). Oddly enough, it’s a song about a weather forecast (and was a big hit and still gets played a lot)!
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew willie
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway barbara
春愁やガラスの亀に朝の露
小径を行けば揺れる早蕨
＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝
If we were composing a tan-renga consisting of two verses,
I might have chosen one with glass connection. For a longer
form, waki functions as waki (=sub), meaning to flank the hokku quietly. With minor changes in prosody, these two make a nice tanka (also refered as waka).
春愁のガラスの亀は露にぬれ朝の小径に揺れる早蕨
shunju no (5) garasu no kame wa (7)tsuyu ni nure(5)
asa no komichi ni (7) yureru sawarabi(7)
As Barbara wrote, the collection of all waki candidates
Is a poem by itself. Let us save all the images in our hearts.
============
I have decided to compose a Koyomi, for the first time even
for me! This was invented by Prof. Sugiura of Hokkaido
Education College. It consists of omote (front) and ura (back)
six plus six. We are to observe the kasen tradition in omote:
be formal, mild and general. In ura we are free to write
about love, war, specific names etc. A moon verse is at
the fifth posiition of omote and a blossom verse is at the fifth
in ura.
============
Please write your offer(s) for Dai3 (the third verse).
Make it a no season verse. Dai3 is crucial for our imaginary
tour of renku. The hokku sets up a theater, and a waki (not waka) can be compared to a stage. In Dai3 a performer finally appears.
Try to open the window in your brain, it is also called
a break-away verse with the emphasis on the shift.
Yet be aware that we Are in omote.
I am hoping to complete this Koyomi in a week or so:–)
before my another deadline approaches…
With great expectations.
eiko
ps. Willie and Barbara, please feel free to send your offers.
Do train your renku muscles:–. Chances are I take the one
offered by those whose verse are not yet taken.
So far I received two candidates, (good ones), but
let me add some more out of those verses you
wrote for hokku or waki.
(candidates for Dai3)
from the bluer sky
the words he can’t find
falling as shower (lorin)*
red front door
of their first home pushed
together with smiles (sandra)*
from nowhere
a tuneless whistle floating
to a classroom (sandra)*
in the cinema
the cow on the road
peacefully resting (claire)
Barbara, your zebra crossing verse will make a nice
Dai3, I am sure. I just can’t picture the “shared umbrellas
streak”??? Could you try ?
===
and here is my offer;-)
a pianist’s ring finger
new pink skin will close
the knife-scar soon
some notes:
Our hokku is a first-person verse. In this uchikoshi position
we had better avoid first-person verses.
genevieve,
There should be no cut in all verses except the hokku and
I understand the punctuation: — ,in English haiku is taken
as a simbol of cut. Your offer is perfect without -.
Kengin, as Mr. Takiguchi of WHC used to say to me.
(I think kengin means “please enjoy writing more)
We are composing a Koyomi, which is a name for
12 verse renku consisting of two folios: front folio (omote)
and reverse folio (ura).
Don’t worry about the form though. I will explain
what is expected for each position.
#1
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit
*does a timber jinker mean a person who cuts timber?
is the image of annual rings of trees in here?
#2
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
pink tutu, white tutu
a ballerina
stepping, dancing
#3
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
for visitors
the observatory plays
music of a galaxy
============
A giant thank you to everyone.
kala, for reminding me of indoor/outdoor distinction.
barbara, for such a rainbow-colored verse
lorin, for abundant offers
willie, for “revealing, repeat, =ing.
genevieve, for daity images that I am attracted to.
sandra, for the contribution of winding image
ashley, for my favorite sound of seawater (except for
floating debris…)
I would like to hear your preference about the short list above.
And the yardstick I used is the shift, the shift from
melancholy. I avoided the verse that might/could have be born from the same basket, if there were such. And yet
I wanted a little bit of link…
“*does a timber jinker mean a person who cuts timber?
is the image of annual rings of trees in here?”
The jinker is a type of trailer that felled logs are loaded onto , to be transported to the mill. It is separable from the cab of the truck (UK Eng, lorry?) Here are two photos I’ve found for you, the first showing an oxen-drawn jinker (from the old days) and the second two truck-drawn jinkers:
Yes, Willie, a load of logs on the jinker, though we wouldn’t call the driver a ‘jinker’ but a log-hauler.
‘turn’ ? ok, thanks for translating ‘bend’ into US English, but I prefer the AUS Eng, as it reads and sounds more natural to my ear. (At least you didn’t suggest ‘bobby pin turn’! 😉 )
To me, shortening ‘speed limit’ to just ‘limit’ sounds strange, but as well, without the qualifier (‘speed’) is there enough information to show what kind of limit is being exceeded? These haulers have been known to exceed the loading limit now and then.
Yes, Eiko, the cut ends of the logs show the annual circles down to the ‘moon’ of the heartwood, and a ‘hairpin bend’ on a mountain / hilly road often winds around like the spiral of a fern frond which is yet to unfurl.
Right you are-I thought perhaps bend was common to AUS speak.
I figured: slows-speed limit
slows- limit
It’s the speech thing for me, rhythmically in league with the preceding verses. Some folks say create a pause.
I don’t know for sure whats right or wrong at this juncture of the poem.
Damn right that sumbitch is overloaded-time is money!
Them ol’ logging roads are pretty “hairy”, too.
Interesting, though, because it seemed to me that, of my offers, this one had the most chance:
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway /Barbara
shoulder to shoulder
on the down escalator
the commuters
…since the setting is changed from Barbara’s outdoor to the ‘indoor’ of a subway, the escalator is a ‘moving pathway’, and the commuters, in contrast to the swaying ferns, are packed so tight that there’s no room for the freedom of movement of swaying (even if some of them had been drinking) Also because the scene is changed to city from rural and introduces a crowd of people, who are involved in the communal workaday world, rather than the solitary contemplation/ observations of verses #1 and #2.
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
======================
good Friday morning, my dear renju,
Let me choose lorin’s timber verse for our dai3.
Daisan is supposed to be descent(or dignified), open-minded and energetic in the long tradition of kasen composition.
(lorin, I understand your analysis of the subway scene, but
preferred the smell of timber.)
(kala, indoor/outdoor switch is a nice hint so we can break away from the hokku/waki pair, but it is not an adamant rule)
In fact I fell in love with the black and white picture of
a timber-jinker driven by cows! thank you lorin, for finding the picture from the web. The modern one
I can imagine from my driving on Minnesota highways. (lorin, the web-page can’t be opened, but never mind).
As Ashley wrote, we are away from melancholy and into the world of business, civilization and laws, which still Is connected to nature, the world of fiddleheads.
Those of you who wanted to vote for this position, please
accept my apology for giving priority to momentum this time.
*Now please send your candidates for verse four.
Verse four is a no season SHORT verse and is supposed to be light.
It ushers in our glorious moon at the fifth position.
Thank you, Eiko. I’m really pleased you liked the timber-jinker one. I’m from timber country, in East Gippsland, here in Victoria, so it is actually my personal favourite of my offers. The reason why those roads have so many hairpin bends is that when making the roads they followed the old bullock trails! Very winding indeed 🙂
I’m not sure why the web page of the truck-plus-jinkers photo won’t open for you. I was going to find it and try again, but the link above still opens for me.
…and thank you Ashley and Genevieve for approving of this one, too.
With my “pink tuttu, white tuttu”, it was, of course, the same tuttu I wanted to quote, front and back – pink on one side, white on the reverse side. I just thought it would be well in accordance with the Barbara’s strings and of the same register, range.
Should-I have said :
pink and white tuttu
the ballerina
stepping, dancing
question of rythm (ballett is no gymnastics)
Well, I’m posting the koyomi on haiku.fr, so to have 575, Ploc!, and assunssolo’s views.
What about Kala’s “old man’s gait” ? Makes me think to “singing in the rain” and its music.
best wishes,
“Well, I’m posting the koyomi on haiku.fr, so to have 575, Ploc!, and assunssolo’s views.” – Claire
um, Claire… I don’t think you should be posting anything from here anywhere else on-line, including haiku.fr (apart from your own verses, of course) without Ashley’s and Eiko’s explicit permission, and also without the explicit permission of any person whose verse you might wish to post.
For one, I EXPLICITLY DO NOT give you permission to post any of my verses from this renku anywhere else.
Have some respect for the copyright of your fellow renkujin, as well as for the renku process , please.
Claire, thank you for clarifying a pink and white tutu:
that was really lovely. And kala’s offer does have a nice link
to our waki. We needed a shift for this break-away position, though.
Now please send your offer for the fourth position.
A short and light verse that ushers in a moon verse.
Lorin, this is just for discussing “haiku”, neither Serge Tome, Dominique Chipot (with Mrs Madoka Mayuzumi, and Mr Kemmotu), nor isabel Assunsolo (Liroli) would steal your work, nor I.
This is only, “the francophone haiku”, defending the Rights of the French language. Only two Belgians (Serge Tome and Marcel Peltier -Décantation du temps-). Not even a single Swiss French speaker.
Nobody else from the world – as you know, nobody learns/speaks French.
Believe that I have all respects for your coyrights.
No problem for your kus, I won’t post them!
Personnally, I don’t even have a blog…
Claire, I have a lot of respect for Serge Tome. Why don’t you have a private word with him, asking him his view about posting part or all of an unpublished renku without permission from the site owner, the sabaki or any of the renkujin involved?
Don’t bother addressing any further notes to me. It’s not my job to handle you, and I will not be personally responding to anything you do or say here or anywhere else from this time.
Yes, either first person or third person will do here.
The point always is not to return, but to go forward:
This is why renku works as a great therapy as well.
Renku has taught me many many tips for having a rich and good human relationships, which we all appreciate in trodding our way through long years of life!
The previous verse (lorin’s jinker verse) is a third person verse
(well, the subject of the sentence is a truck, but we know
the driver does the action). We can repeat a third person verse, but we try Not Return to the uchikoshi verse (=barbara’s fiddlehead verse. we could call this as a verse on the place, but this categorization is not absolute. Safely speaking, no nature scene verse in this slot.)
Remember ji-ta-ba (first person/third person/place) for the fun of the sound.
Thank you, Eiko. I think what was confusing me was ‘uchikoshi’ – I looked it up and it said the verse before the maeku. I didn’t realise it could mean simply the verse two before. I do know about not making the link to the ku two before but I’m really only just learning the Japanese terms.
Thank you Willie and Eiko for hearing the music of the tea-seller’s bowls.
In Beirut, where I lived for a little while, the coffee-sellers walk along the Corniche chinking their little bowls to advertise their ware (they had something like a tank on their backs that the coffee was poured from).
I transposed the image to tea (I’m not a coffee drinker) … but the music’s still the same.
Eiko, I am going to be absent from my computer for the weekend, so please excuse me for not participating over the next couple of days.
Dear renju,
I have an idea. I would like to ask kala to write us
a moon verse, preferably a happy harvest moon, definitely of the autumn season.
Dear Kala,
I sincerely ask you to accept this invitation!
Now here is the short list for the 4th verse.
#1
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
nearly dry now
I take in my bedsheets*
(breeze/stir touches uchikoshi)
#2
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
bright cushions ease
sharp bumps and jolts (barbara)
(offering brings up religion, too early for omote)
#3
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
…stopped at the top
of the ferris wheel
#4
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
of cones on the fire
==============
Now, send to me your preference and thoughts, will you please?
I can’t go back to read this post from the beginning, but I
am sure all 4 above read exceptionally great.
Kala, I am curious which you find it Very difficult to link!
sandra’s cone is a kigo for autumn. Even though I asked
a no season verse, it really can be an autumn verse as well
because we are writing an autumn moon next.
if some accident scene is suggested in clarire’s offer,
then the offer is not appropriate for omote…
claire, don’t worry. Your verse will be taken later on for sure.
Wow! eiko,
This is going too fast, and I think my India time is just not working out.
I’m generally tied up in the mornings, I get time in the afternoon, and I just came to send in my offers – I’m late! 🙂
I have a painting class now, and will be back only be late evening, in case the voting is over please don’t bother to wait for me.
Just choose the 4th verse.
Thanks eiko, for giving me the blossom verse.
Most kind of you,
warmly,
_kala
I mean the big lid placed (or not?) on the oil slick (was-it the term used?) off the coast of Louisiana to avoid damage to the ecosystem (really bad said, sorry, I just heard about it. Didn’t open the tv or read a newspaper…
I hope my pityful explanation can be of help !
Excuse me, Kala! Not the blossom verse, but the moon
verse coming up next, at the 5th position. Thank you for your accepting to write the MOON verse. We all know you are a great moon watcher.
Claire, don’t worry about uchikoshi. Just remember you go forward in renku. I liked your last offer most of all your offers. I am afraid to say that hairpin/bun link depends
only on one word. We strive for linking in total poetry of each verse. Thank you for trying this hard, though.
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
of cones on the fire
(sandra)
This would be my first choice of those offered. Though sound was implied in the previous verse (thanks, Genevieve, for putting yourself in the scenario …or recalling a similar one… and hearing that awful sound of brakes being applied on a loaded jinker!) , with ‘snap, crackle, pop’, sounds enter the renku overtly for the first time.
It is as though, if the logs had been pine, the observer of the timber jinker had collected pine-cones from the site of the felling, for their home fire or for a bush camp, perhaps the logging camp itself.
We go from the energy of the petrol-fuelled (gas, Willie 😉 ) vehicle carting logs to the energy of the pine cones as they burn and give off heat, light and sound.
I love #2 & #4 – Barbara’s for it’s striking (implied) colour and Sandra’s for not just the sound – but the smell of smoke and pine. I was struck by that right away!
I’m back. . .
& waiting for Eiko to choose the 4th verse,
then yes, I go for the moon verse.
I was in a hurry in the afternoon 🙂 and called it the blossom verse!
(omote)
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire * (sandra)
=======================
dear renju,
I really liked Ashley’s “almost dry” for the similarity in our brain’s conceiving each situation (slowing down process vs drying up process) but sandra’s offer is my choice, too.
In order to make it a third-person verse (barbara’s fiddlehead verse is ba, or a place verse and we had better write ji or ta)
七曲り丸太切り出し運ぶらん
松ぼっくり を投げる火の上
thank you, sandra, for this unanimously loved contribution!
dear kala,
would you send to me two or three candidates?
I confirm “moon” is an autumn kigo by itself.
Yet please write one candidate verse with “harvest moon”.
as a haiku, “swathed by/ the harvest moon/a surfer rises with a waves” is sharp and wonderful, but a surfer is a summer kigo and is a very strong one…besides I wanted a serene moonlight…away from the motion scene at uchikoshi.
‘ crane arriving’ is an
autumn kigo…..with harvest moon in entry we don’t have to
worry about kigo issues… but the personification of a crane
is my concern.
hmmm I love a peaceful tone of the third offer,
yet in the sheen of the harvest moonlight, can we see so many stars…. does ‘walk the harvest moon’ mean t o follow/chase the moon?
Well, nothing yet to comment or vote on. Perhaps I’ll look in again early tonight. Tomorrow, (Sunday) I have commitments with friends and family and on Monday I celebrate having been born and living this long. 😉
Just to share an old ‘harvest moon’ ku of mine with you all :
harvest moon
the sideshow alley clowns
open-mouthed
In the crane ku, I thought it was the personification of the crane which is the strong point here and a wonderful link to Sandra’s cone sounds. The “fire” in them to the fire in the belly (of the cranes)
So, to me the crane ku is not a personification because it is not easy to fly so many miles on wings, if they didn’t have their dreams to take this journey, thousands of miles across continents on mere feathers
I wish I understood why personification is so wrong when Japanese masters have done it again and again?
But I go by your verdict and with a smile 🙂
Of course I’m basing my argument on haiku, maybe renku has its own rules.
I’m pasting one mail from Susumu san, in which he has explained what anthropomorphism / persionification is all about
***
Dear Susumu,
If you have the time – can you help me out here?
Is this anthropomorphism?
waterfall…
do darting birds
tickle it?
Later he published it in the World Haiku Review 2008
***
Some anthropomorphism makes a particular haiku rather weak, gimmicky and even silly, in which case it is a failed case of anthropomorphism. In any situation, whatever works will do, whatever does not will not do.
waterfall…
do darting birds
tickle it?
I think this is a wonderful haiku. I would even go so far as:
waterfall…
tickled by
darting birds
‘Tickled’ is a feeling of the author and if the author feels that the birds tickle the waterfall, that is the poem and that is the haiku. For exactly the same reason, they are opposing to it, killing a good haiku by a silly rule. Which is more important, a rule or a good haiku?
dear kala, I could have caught your poetry if you had had free wings and could have written;
whooping cranes/ wing their dreams/ across seven oceans
I totally agree with you and Susumu: the poetry should win over a rule.
Thank you for writing an alternative offer. To avoid the uchikoshi of timber/treetops, I tweaked a little.
Let me know how you like the below, would you please?
Now Everyone, let me know how YOU read our renku so far.
I plan to finish our omote Very soon;–)
And in fact started thinking of the closing verse of omote
from all those beautiful offers of our precious renju: genevieve which
I have been keeping under my sleeve (as we say in Japan).
Let us have a family/friend/church weekend out in a breeze.
sincerely,
eiko
———————–
Koyomi: spring melancholy
led by ey
(omote)
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire * (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a prominent mountain
full moon rising* (kala)
o, I rather like ‘prominent mountain’. Without naming, it alludes to a large mountain which is a well-known landmark…can be seen from a distance… so it moves the ‘observer’ away from the site of the fire with the pine-cones to a different (distant) perspective.
in the gathering stillness
of a prominent mountain
full moon rising* (kala)
…another possible take on it, avoiding both ‘tonto’ in L3 and the ‘cut’ (kire) after ‘mountain’
in a prominent mountain’s
gathering stillness
the rising moon
Eiko, if you aren’t happy with these verses, please give me some time.
I ‘m having my breakfast as I write this . . . I just got up two hours back!
Thanks a ton,
_kala
There are many words in English that are ‘loan words’ from Indian words. ‘Verandah’ and ‘pyjamas’ are just two more which spring immediately to mind. 😉
(omote)
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire * (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon * (kala)
====
now, Genevieve, would you *grade the below for
the concluding 6th position:
#1 trail clouds part
as slowly dyed golden
#2 let’s begin the twist
at the policeman’s ball
#3 to each bow stroke
the cello gently tells me …
And please feel free to write from scratch if you so desires.
Yes, I like the ‘policeman’s ball’ – but I am concerned that it links back to ‘speed limit’ in Lorin’s verse. If that is not anything to worry about then the verse is fine with me.
I rather like the ‘twist’ here – it could be seen as twisting around from the ‘front’ to look at the ‘back’, or to ‘welcome in’ the ‘back’.
The majestic mountain and along, the elevation of the soul (or, of the moon…here, a beautiful serene verse. Thanks for this moon verse…A very visual and resh ku, indeed.
The moon is not really present in the occidental world, however. The policeman’s ball… still moon verse.
As I had asked for the word “cirque” (Cirque de Gavarnie),
here is this corrie in the Pyrenees’ mountains :
Hi Eiko and Genevieve,
It strikes me, too, that ‘twist’ harks back to the ‘hairpin bend’, and also if we take the ‘sway’ in the fiddleheads into account in relation to dancing (as many of us did, I think). 😉
Wouldn’t this be an instance of ‘ distant reincarnation’ (rinne or torinne) ?
…an oldie, but still being covered (English language version about halfway through) :
But of course it is not as cut & dried as that, and John has written about the issue at length, under the heading ‘Occurrence and Recurrence: variety and change in a renku sequence’:
Very unusually
(maybe the first time ever ) we did not compose any renku.
We spent half a day discussing issues such as hizaokuri vs degachi, authoritative “!” in renku, the role of sabaki, the purpose of renku based on our recent shisan text. We do have differences, but we all agreed on the preciousness of the form and the importance of
mutual respect.
Of course, we toasted with a glass of beer.
Now I read two comments indicating a concern on
the 6th verse I tentatively chose. I withdraw my proposal
to use genevieve’s verse which had been written for another slot.
My new plan is:
#6 written by eiko
ura, or second folio
#1 a love verse (n/s, summer or winter)
by degachi (everyone is asked to offer candidate(s))
#2 a love verse to follow (Claire)
#3 a religious verse (Genevieve)
#4 a verse on any possible topic
by degachi
#5 a blossom verse (Ashley)
#6 ageku (the last verse with the topic on animal/bird)
by degachi
===============================
Koyomi: spring melancholy
started May 9, 2010
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire * (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
king has seated and
a concert master nods (eiko)
===========================
Let me hear your words on my verse offer and on my proposal.
This is a quite humble offer after the size of the mountain… So, I really enjoy your “ku King” coming right after the “mountain highlight”. Human size and human sized.
That the master nods after tne King’s sitting is a very resting scene, there is still the serenity of the mountain silence/scene,
Personnally, I like (but my native language is not English, so the judgment of all renju here can only better than mine) “has seated”(this is present to me, the (action of sitting, so with a big “K”) : “King implying that the concert master nods (in approval).
A good day to all of you, and a happy bithday to Lorin (special fruit dish ? A “charlotte” ? Second one has been my favourite since a long time!)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
king has seated and
a concert master nods (eiko)
Yes, this verse works very well, imo, Eiko.
May I suggest, for the English version:
the king is seated and
the concert master nods
or
the king is seated and
our concert master nods
or
our king is seated and
the concert master nods
This is because if we wanted past tense for ‘the king’ we would need to say either ‘the king has been seated’, (which isn’t quite right for a king) or ‘the king has seated himself’ which is probably too long.
Hi again Eiko, today is my birthday and it’s already 10:30am here, so I’ll make one quick offer now and hope to return later this afternoon or evening:
king has seated and
a concert master nods (eiko)
gazing into mine
Salome’s eyes
above the last veil
or
gazing into mine
the dancer’s eyes
above the last veil
or
gazing into mine
the stripper’s eyes
above the last veil
or any of these variations of ‘dancer’ in this form:
above the last veil
the private dancer’s eyes
gazing into mine
I am now in country NSW taking part in a five day art course – painting and drawing in a wool shed. Can’t get my computer to work so someone has brought one in for me – it will have to go back each night, so my responses might be a little slow, but I will try to keep a watch.
Sad to see the policeman go but I think he did have his feet in other verses.
Your plan seems fine.
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated
and the concert master nods (eiko)
she’s watching the pianist
his fingers sure
and gentle on the keys
Back on board – would have posted earlier today but have spent all morning and some of the afternoon talking about and photographing trees! Very nice it has been too – one tree is known to date back to pre-European times and although is now in the middle of a housing area still retained its spirituality (and is obviously a good place to play truant judging by the three teenage girls in its arms).
Happy birthday Lorin, and many more to come.
If I may back up a little:
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire * (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
king has seated and
a concert master nods (eiko)
I’m so glad you like “snap, crackle and pop”.
I wonder if “cones thrown to the fire” is quite natural? I would be more likely to say “cones thrown on the fire”. One would throw a ball to another person, but one would not say that something had been thrown to a fire. I am happy to discuss further if you had a particular reason for using the word “to”.
I would like to raise the use of the word “majestic” in Karla’s verse. Aren’t all mountains majestic, or at least it can be taken as read that they are? Is using “majestic mountain” introducing a redundancy?
And yes, for the final verse in folio one, I agree with Lauren that to have it read naturally in English, we need to introduce an article:
the king takes his seat
as the concert-master nods
(which is in the present tense rather than the past)
I feel attracted to pre-European time tree living in residential area. In Japan you have to take a long-distance trip (usually)
to pay a visit to such a tree. eiko
I’ll try to make a list of websites. Do you just wish trees or forests, parcs with trees ? There are probably more trees than humans, here. Or, castles with forests around.
“I wonder if “cones thrown to the fire” is quite natural? I would be more likely to say “cones thrown on the fire”. One would throw a ball to another person, but one would not say that something had been thrown to a fire.”
I do see what you’re saying, but ‘thrown to the fire is just as ‘natural’, though it has a different nuance.
I would never throw cones ‘on the fire’… (though I am aware that it’s said, probably in the wake of US English) I would throw them *onto* or *into* the fire, without a second thought. But *if I wanted a sense of feeding the fire*, then I would throw the cones ‘to the fire’, just as I might throw seeds or caution ‘to the wind’. It depends whether one wants that nuance.
the king takes his seat
as the concert-master nods
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
Both perfectly acceptable. Your version implies that the king is a little late and the concert master hasn’t waited for him to be seated. The second shows that precedence is observed and that the king being seated is a sign to the concert master that the concert may begin.
Again, it depends on which nuance of implied meaning one wishes to have.
I’d humbly suggest that you’re wrong on not needing an article Claire. One of the errors that most beginner writers make (me included) is to write a haiku like it’s a telegram:
cat bounding
over rocks –
sparrow
It’s not exactly wrong, but it’s also not good English. Brevity doesn’t have to equal staccato.
Thank you, Sandra. Yes, I should have written “alders”, the reason is that in Fr, we say “aulnes”. Aulnes’ murmurs in spring on the Seine River banks, that’s were is the blessing.
So, you are in the afternoon ? Here, it’s 4 : 07 am!
In fact, the words king or queen have to be followed by a first name, just like”Queen Elizabeth”. This is English grammar.
Now, saying “our king” is a bit out of time. Kings… Where ? Scandinavia, yes, however, this is another era… That is just why I had thought of King with a big K, and not to have brevity, although haiku is rather brevity. Generally speaking, mine are rather a bit long. The sort you cite as exemple, … “sparrow”, I don’t and can’t understand because there is no context around this single word in line3, except one understand that the sparrow is definitely determined to lose its life… What is underlined, implied, the true hidden story, you can’t define.
Thank you, Sandra, to have “raised the curtain” on the question. Difficult to say, “King Lear”, of course.
So, let’go for the senryû. It sounds like a piece of theater, but we cannot diScuss on and on.
And, it’s time to sleep, 2 : 06 am (brevity of time!)!
Eiko and our sbaki will choose for what thinkthe best is !
Sorry, I just wanted to see what tree family alders belong.
So, they are related to birches and poplars, growing near water, on river banks, embankments, river sources, where there is water. They are light trees with light foliage, murmuring in the breeze (some have silver foliage) and wear chatons in spring just as willows.
And, on the quays and Île-de-la-Cité (where is Notre-Dame) such trees grow because of the Seine River.
Their foliage murmuring in spring is quite poetry-like for strolling ; I spoke of a blessing because of that murmur, the blessing of such trees, before entering the church of Sint-Germain-des-Prés wher future married couples aure going to have the church blessing.
So, one consider strolling on the quays as a blessing, because it means having air, the river Seine, the trees’murmurs and freedom of the place : promenade for lovers (and anybody, of course).
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (pré = fields, prairies) is a square with a church and a rendez-vous’ place in the famous Cafés (Café de Flore, ETC) where artists, journalists, actors, singers, meet. It is a symbol of freedom, rest, and culture.
I just think the place is enchanting (personnally), with all the old and rare books’ stalls (bouquinistes… books) ; and, well, yes, many lovers, visitors, students (not far from the Sorbonne…) stroll there for water and trees.
If you have the Michelin Guide on Paris, you can learn more on the subject. Or, any other books.
Sorry, I have been long! There are willows behind Notre-Dame, on the Île-de-la-Cité, in the middle of the river. It’s just poetry-like, especially in Spring.
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown on the fire (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated and
a concert master nods (eiko)
—————————-
(ura) V1 short list
(1)
on the throne
a black widow spider
devours her mate (summer)
2
gazing into mine
Salome’s eyes
above the last veil (no season)
3
along the cool quays
lovers strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Pres* (summer)
4
thirty years later
and my heart’s
still doing somersaults (no season)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
note to willie: To me a majestic mountain Is one of the Himalayas and I would like to avoid uchikoshi. (that is one reason I did
not choose the ghazal verse. Concert master and ghazal do not necessarily link, which may be another…
Claire, sorry to have edited your offer. I like your image a lot, but
wanted to avoid the tree because we have had a strong image of a
timber-jinker and we ARE going have a blossom of a tree later on as well.
Choice 1 shocks us by the incident on the throne elsewhere, which
Is a contribution to our renku.
Choice 2 can be taken as a scene that came up while listening to the music.
Choice 3 can be taken as a scene after the concert in Paris.
Choice 4 can be taken as a memory of the concert date.
I would like to wait for Claire, because I have to
know how she likes the edited version.
Now that Barbara pointed out, I see the similarity
between #2, omote and #1, ura… We might escape
uchikoshi by editing further… but this Is Claire’s verse.
and I have to wait.
willie, I happen to read this today:
renku is a great training for those who want to acquire
the power for decision making.
I am also intrigued by Ashley’s comment: the process of
renku indicates there can be So many variations.
Does anyone know a new broadway drama on Bethoven:
the title must be”36 variations”!
ps…though I like your edit of Claire’s ku, Eiko (nicely atmospheric with ‘cool quays’…and I don’t see word-play, as US spelling for quays is ‘keys’…think of Florida and that general area) I’m still not prepared to vote for any of the three you’ve selected for this position.
One seems too predictably romantic, one seems to go too much for ‘shock value’ with a conventional image and one seems less connected/ linked.
Well, lorin, the language is the sound first, the symbol
next. I was fascinated when I learned the etemology
of OK, meaning to the quay (good enough to be exported).
I assume many will enjoy this word play.
But thank you for your honest opinion; I believe linking is even more important than shifting.
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown on the fire (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated and
a concert master nods (eiko)
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (claire)
=========================
dear claire,
let me know if you could accept the love verse above as yours.
I tweaked based on your explanation last night. I had to
avoid the tree image, though.
I chose your offer (1) for its pleasing scene with voices of lively conversation, (2) for the water-front location,(3) for a specific
name which can now be written here in ura (back folio).
(4) for the word play between quay for ships and key in music.
This verse reminds me of Yosano Akiko’s tanka poem:
kiyomizu e (5) Gion wo yogiru (7) sakura tsukiyo (6)
koyoi au hito (7) mina utsukushiki (7)
Across Gion
To Kiyomizu
Cherry blossoms brightened by the moon
Beautiful,
Each face I meet this night
(translated by S. Goldstein)
with a crane’s long neck, (=waiting anxiously)
eiko
lorin,
there are many languages in the world that do not
have any written form by any symbol systems.
on the other hand Each and Every languages has its particular sound system.
eiko
I can’t help but wonder, though, Eiko, now that you have honed Claire’s verse so nicely and selected it, whether you are going to stick to your plan for the next and successive verses or not.
“ura, or second folio
#1 a love verse (n/s, summer or winter)
by degachi (everyone is asked to offer candidate(s))
#2 a love verse to follow (Claire)
#3 a religious verse (Genevieve)
#4 a verse on any possible topic
by degachi
#5 a blossom verse (Ashley)
#6 ageku (the last verse with the topic on animal/bird)
by degachi “
Thank you so much, Eiko… It’s a bit confusing to me… so glad, though !
I like the “present progressif progressif present, you added to this stanza (are strolling) which gives such a different rythm to the very quiet and very peaceful tone implied in the previous “king is seated and concert master nods”.
Wondering, however if “smooth cool quays” with “smooth” taken in a very poetic way wouldn’t be better ? Because the air there is smooth-like ! Too much, maybe… interaction with with “cool”. And there, I ca’t just ask to you, native Rnglish speakers who can feel deeper in your language.
Anyway, it’s ok like that. I just ask, that’all.
Than you for the Japanese verse by Yosano Akiko, it’s a quite nice offer ! Cherry blossoms brightened by the moon… fanciful vision… Will write it on my haiku list in Japanese, if you don’t mind (and the Englih translation, of course).
(tsuki and sakura, I knew the words n –
mizu? Isn’t-it rain ?
——
Yes, Sandra, explain the pronunciation of “Germain” (germanopratin is the qualyfing adjectiive for allthe Latin quarter (student quarter)
—
Beethoven’s variations… There are the ‘Diabelli Variations” (very smooth music)
—
So next one, would-it be fair to have my name twice?
At tne same time, wondering if it has to be “negative” to the “quays one” ? Difficult to imagine a negative love verse !
I am glad you become a fan of Saint Germain verse.
I was going to ask Claire to make #2 a degachi verse
in replacement of #1. It seems to me Claire is caught
by life’s unpredictable errands and can not sit for
our Koyomi for the moment.
Let me take responsibility and change the plan
accordingly.
Everyone, please write a short love verse to follow up the cool quay verse. Make it a no season verse, please.
============================
Koyomi: spring melancholy
started May 9, 2010
(omote)
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown on the fire (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
*** ***
(ura)
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (claire)
Wow, Claire, we posted at about the same time! I am glad
you ok’ed the edit! The verse is very smooth without
the word “smooth”, isn’t it? And I am glad you understand
the need to change the original order and make the next verse a degachi verse.
Claire, the back folio (or ura) does Not mean a negative folio at all.
The concept of the distinction is
general/specific, mild/dramatic,
formal/realistic.
Another way of explaining : omote is
compared to one’s education period with the time
flowing gently and ura is compared to one’s adulthood dotted with unpredictable dramas and happenings (Not excluding
happy moments).
Eiko has posted Saint-Germain-des-Pres correctly, Claire. My note re a plural has nothing to do with your verse.
My comment, and if you read it clearly you will notice the word “Hawaiian”, applies to the verse above it, specifically the word lei (= flower garland). I was pointing out for people not familiar with the way Polynesian words are constructed that lei is also the plural, no “s” required.
sandra, I have corrected de Pre to des Pres a moment ago.
My French is nearly none. When I stranded in
Trois-Rivieras (sic?) in French Canada, I survived with two words (merushii and ekuse kyuze moa) for 3 days. I still enjoyed the visit a great deal.
(just a little info irrelevant of our renku.)
Pas de confusion ! Je suis désolée aussi (too!)!
I love your “black and white heart”, mi-figue mi-raisin (half-fig half-grape), plenty of things behind…
the orchestra of Saint-Martin-in-the-fields, just the same meaning as St-G-des-Prés, except Martin and Germain.
“Trois-Rivières means “Three-Rivers”… All that space, whales and snow…
Och aye, Lorin, seems to be scottish ? Henriette Walter has written several study books on languages – they are on amazon. Don’t know if she has been translated.
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (cl)
lifting the bride’s train
his heart flutters to his teens’ years
or
gliding the ring on her finger
the old bigot’s sneaky glance
or
(their) hymen after the fancy layered cake*
leaves the bride all shaked
or “fancy choux’ cake – pièce montée made of several layers of little custard & pastry cakes (in the form of a cone)on top of wich are a bride and groom and all cakes stuck with caramel
Just wanted to ask everyone to take extra time and care in reading and responding to each other’s posts – and I’m not saying that anyone has said anything inappropriate yet – but we’re not all native English speakers so let’s keep that in mind.
And I don’t want this to come across like a rap on the knuckles, it isn’t, just let’s keep going gently when it comes to our posts.
＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝
Hi, let’s proceed. I agree with Ashley and take #1.
This verse quietly conveys the joy of getting married.
How unpredictable the renku flows, isn’t it just like our life!
I have to ask Genevieve to give the next position
to everyone ( including you, Genevieve.)
In stead of assigning #3 to be a religious verse, I want to
open the door to any themes not yet explored; It is because I learned that Saint-Germain-des-Pres conjures the church image.
I repeat: We go degachi.
Please send a long verse that links with
the red door verse and at the same time shifts from Saint-Germain verse. A nature verse with an animal is a possibility here.
Your offer can be either a no seasonal or a winter verse.
After #3/ura, we are getting into the last stage of the renku, where
things speed up in the tempo of kyu. All renku forms
follow the total musical structure called jo-ha-kyu.
Jo-introductory flow Ha-dramatic development Kyu- speedy
conclusion, is a kind of aethetics in all Japanese arts.
Poets’ energy to imagine and write link after link of verses
is not as high level as when they started, which may not be
the case in our short renku, but it was the case in 100in or kasen. So it is a practical teaching too
to speed up the session and celebrate the conclusion in
enthusiasm.
Another teaching is: An ageku, the very last verse, is exempt from
uchikoshi and it is OK to start composing the ageku for the work in progress, ahead of time.
Please take note that ageku is another special verse as hokku/waki and daisan.
A positively nuanced spring verse in two lines will be our ageku.
Please, Eiko, what do the words jo, ha, kyu mean ?
Or do they only significate “rhythm and tone” of the verse?
Someting very difficult to realize ! Translate the sound with words ?!
I have no dictionnary Japanese-French. On amazon, the “Berlitz English/Japanese” is recommended.
I wonder which dictionnary they use at “Langues O”. Will be visiting their websites.
a sudden thud
of a golden eagle’s landing
soldiers quiver
~~~~~~~~~~
dear kala, they do not quiver Usually, but they might
if such a landing happened unexpectedly right by
the troop, maybe not out of fear but out of excitement.
If Barbara agrees with this o) mixture, it’s ok for me. As this is (to some extent, alas) today’s “gai Paris”…
Well, I have to write a sea haibun (until midnight) in French. And, 3 sea haiku along with 3 sea senryû !
Is-there somebody to do it for me ? Ah… Pouf……………….
No time left for my little delicacy :”biscuits à la cuiller” (the biscuits used for a charlotte) with cream… crème fraîche !
Good Morning, Barbara, Claire, Kala, Ashley, Genevieve,
Sandra, Lorin and Willie, (so nice to have all these names
in me now)
claire, thanks for your permission.
In translating the following version comes up:
the keyhole sees
a vixen with her cubs
freely scavenging * (barbara, claire, eiko)
a winter kigo: vixen
鍵穴は雌ギツネ一家の跋扈見る
barbara, let me tentatively take the above as our #3/ura.
and kala, your offer works so well to follow the vixen verse.
An eagle is a winter kigo. Please see below.
＝＝＝
Koyomi: spring melancholy
started May 9, 2010
(omote)
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown on the fire (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
*** ***
(ura)
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (claire)
across the square the red
door of our first home(geneviève)
the keyhole sees
a vixen with her cubs
freely scavenging * (barbara, claire, eiko)
…a sudden thud
of an eagle’s landing (kala)
==========================
dear ashley,
it must be challenging to compose a blossom verse
directly after the winter scene.
In a longer form so many verses come inbetween, but
the brevity has its merits too.
could you please
try? Send me two or three candidates.
the keyhole sees
a vixen with her cubs
freely scavenging * (barbara, claire, eiko)
…a sudden thud
of an eagle’s landing (kala)
Eiko,
Some points:
1.
Maybe a comma after square?
otherwise L1 doesn’t make any sense.
across the square the red (?)
across the square, the red
door of our first home(geneviève)
2.
A Doubt:
For Ura to be effective ( since it has only 6 verses on this side, shouldn’t the shift be a leap away, otherwise we are circling around the same place / idea)
across the square, the red
door of our first home(geneviève)
the keyhole sees
a vixen with her cubs
freely scavenging * (barbara, claire, eiko)
Too close – first we were across the house, now we are inside the house.
3.
I liked Barbara’s first choice of words:
through the keyhole
How can – the keyhole see
?
Still not changing too much, my take on these two verses would be:
through the keyhole
the vixen with her cubs
seen scavaging
. . . a sudden thud
as the eagle lands
again we are in the same area . . . there is no shift in the scene.
They do say in kasen, which is 6/12/12/6/ verses in total, we can have mild shifts, but in shorter renku trips to be effective – the leaps need to show.
Maybe all I’ve said here is rubbish, for it’s 3.45 am and I’m going back to sleep!
_kala
regarding the red front door verse, I kind of liked the version without the comma for its flow of consciousness
approach, but if everyone insists, we certainly can
ask genevieve to add the punctuation.
renku is as much about reading as composition and
our reading differs here. V2 in conjunction with V1
is an inner city outdoor verse, but when read in conjunction with V3 it changes into an indoor verse of a farm house located in a hamlet.
The change of view point angle, offered by
Claire Is precious.
Shifting from uchikoshi (Not from the previous verse) is important, but linking to the previous verse is as important. I don’t think we are circling in the same spot.
Well, we don’t see an eagle suddenly landing in any inner city, usually…
I wanted a personification, if it is effective…. Doesn’t
keyhole look like an eye?
freshly picked!
=====
wow, how envious am I!
I will certainly consider
retaining claire’s phrase.
thank you, barbara for
accepting co-authorship
of one verse.
please, Lorin, don’t go away like that ; I have found a document of the republic fr on the role played by Fr explorers, in the discovering of the Australian continent. In both languages. That should be interesting for you all down there to read.
I’m now back from the country – the paddocks white with frost and misty in the mornings and the Belted Galloway cattle (a Scottish breed with a wide, white stripe around their middles) looking as though they have only front and back ends.
I don’t mind if the verse has a comma or not. I think the meaning is clear without it and the comma will not change the enjambment between the lines. I’m quite happy though if you would like to put a comma in.
genevieve, I feel like seeing a movie opening with mist
gradually lifting… thank you for sending the autumn flavor to us in early summer! Today was the first summer -hot day here in Japan.
everyone, I WILL tweak those verses any of you have
discussed on. It is inevitable to tweak so that a renku
born between us can become a poem for the public to enjoy.
claire, thank you so much for google search a golden eagle.
In this form( Koyomi), we do not have many verses to
develop a drama. But life’s biggest drama is right here IMO.
One of the cubs looking for food with its mother is in turn
the target of an eagle…
Isn’t it nice, though, that we are always invited to redirect
our attention to another face of nature, to the glorious
and dignified blossoms, or to the sheen of moonlight?
Hi Ashley, I like the car-park verse, I can feel that sudden, cold, ‘willy-willy’ wind swirling the blossoms and the panic in the pit of your stomach when you realise you don’t have the keys – which are usually in the car…(in my case).
It was difficult to choose one out of the three offers written from heart:
offer one: attracted to the verse’s gesture of saving fish…
offer two: I share her feeling of coming to senses, one layer deeper than daily-conversation-level awareness, breathing in the swirl…
offer three: This can not be a nature scene with a spring kigo. But qualifies as a no-season blossom verse.
Japanese tradition on
‘the blossom’ starts, of course, from the gorgeous cherry-blossoms in the spring time, but does not end there.
They
(or should I say we , even though modern Japanese are not necessarily the faithful observers of old traditions…) see
the precious, the philosophical, the mystery
from the blossom: example: we call a bride hana-yome (blossom wife), a bridegroom (blossom husband), a star actor, hanagata (blossom figure) etc, etc.
This tradition includes artificial flower crafted by hands from the sheer appreciation of the beautify of blossoms. Natural blossom is not here, but
here is the heart that appreciates it.
I hope and wish I could convince everyone of my decision. I think the space between an eagle’s sharp beak and
the cutting scissors is filled or charged with renku energy.
Let’s celebrate the first Koyomi ever written in English with your ageku offers!
Be sure to include a spring kigo. (A two line verse, positively nuanced.)
Thank you, Eiko! Really happy that #3 was chosen, I was surprised when I wrote it, that it came so easily!
And thanks too for the notes on the blossom verse, I hadn’t realised that a non-season verse could work here, perhaps that makes it easier to get to spring from winter now?
And the hana-yome etc is very interesting. I don’t know if there are many English-language equivalents at all.
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread across the table/ Ashley
Excellent! Works for me on all levels, from the traditional, annual kindergarten/early primary school classroom activities in Spring through to more complex and subtle possibilities related to renku making.
A fresh and original verse which links with startling insight to the eagle’s beak and bodes well for a smooth transition to the ageku.
… though I don’t understand why this verse would be classified as ‘no-season’, since as I see it, the season is implied by the activity.
Though it’s true that people (including children) can make paper blossoms year round if they choose to, the ‘cut out blossom’ activities tend to happen by the calendar, here in Victoria, anyway. Similarly, people can make eg pine tree with star at the top cut-outs year round if they choose to, but the association is with Christmas.
Lorin, wow, I tend to agree with you! When I
wrote “no season verse”, I followed the writing
from my little booklet for renkujin! In our Koyomi,
we can either call it a no season blossom verse or a spring
blossom verse. I am positive. eiko
Yes, I can see how it could be either ‘no-season’ or ‘Spring’, depending on how one looked at it…and perhaps also on how a reading of it might depend on the context of the surrounding verses? (the verse before and the verse after)
Who knows where? We all feel this way. One teaching says
you bring a never ending renku flow to a temporary stop
by writing a different poem.
Thus it is customary (exception always
arises) that the poet who wrote the hokku/waki pair
do not write an ageku.
Barbara, forgive me for not telling that ahead of time.
EVERYONE, thank you so much for your abundant contribution and
thank you, Ashley, for writing a “reproductive” blossom verse.
(as Claire admires)
I have made a short list. (some of the offers that included
the words already used (green, spring) are not here).
Since this is the last verse, why don’t you renju (8 poets)
decide the ageku? Let’s say each of you have two points
and you can vote 0 to 1 point to the offer you yourself wrote. Then you vote remaining point (s) to your fellow renju’s offer.
Out of 16 points (14 if willie is not yet well), the verse
that gets the biggest number of vote will be OUR ageku.
John and I do not vote. Please choose a nice ageku for
Our Koyomi.
~~~
“. . . each of you have two points
and you can vote 0 to 1 point to the offer you yourself wrote. Then you vote remaining point (s) to your fellow renju’s offer.” – Eiko
ok ! 😉
1
Buddha Day – a smile
ripples in the wind – 1 point
5
a warming breeze
tugs at our writing sheet – 1 point
just arriving ! I’ve slept through the whole day !
A week of renku nights, and I’m kaput !
How great it was, learning so much in such a few time. At the beginning, I thought it would last a long time, so didn’t really care (renku being allnew to me) ! Then, I found myself INVOLVED in a TWIRLING season of words -), and really enjoyed the quick pace that (and in which) our ideas bloomed…
At the same time, Eiko’strong implication in explaining the whole koyomi and each ku.
I feel as if I were on a ladder with a large step in the middle, with a long crane’ neck (!).
Eiko, I feel sorry you didn’t write you own ageku, too. Why not ? We would have shared much more !
I have to vote (is-it so serious ?), for some general ku that involves the world around.
So, I give two points to John’ kite.
The kite explodes into life in the brigt sky, and, at the same time, in a larger spectre involves all cut-blossoms (suddenly dangling, swinging) up there!
Hi, Claire,
The last ku (ageku) does not have to have a relationship
with the hokku. As both are with spring kigo, readers
naturally feel some relationship anyways.
Koyomi was not invented by Basho, but a present-day
professor in Hokkaido. He needed a short form so that
students can complete alive in his class hours. But
it does observe some of the tradition of kasen invented by Basho nearly 400 years ago.
The series of images and the space in between images–
do we feel like riding on a wave?
Koyomi: spring melancholy & the red door
started May 9, 2010
(omote)
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown on the fire (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
*** ***
(ura)
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (claire)
across the square the red
door of our first home(geneviève)
through the keyhole
a vixen with her cubs
scavenging (barbara, claire)
…a sudden thud
as an eagle lands (kala)
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table (ashley)
the warming breeze
tugs at our writing sheet(john)
========================
Good Afternoon, my renju friends,
With your consent I would like to call the above our final text. Please examine your verse and the title on the top .
Some explanatory comments:
1. I would like to keep the adjective; majestic, to ignite readers
imagination hopefully towards the Himalayas.
” Mountrain “without
“majectic” could include some hills that used to be higher.
2. I would like to use ‘thrown on’ for it is sandra’s verse and
she prefers on to to.
3. I would like “through the keyhole” for the same reason.
4. I like the shortness of the eagle verse, for it contributes to
the effective linkage with the following verse.
5. Barbara, thank you for bringing up the repetition of the same article. I would like to take John’s alternative offer of using
“the”. (this way we can avoid starting two verses in a row
with plural subject)
6. I sincerely hope you like my idea of adding “the red door”
to our title.
Hello, Eiko,
Now that the renku is done, I wonder if you’d tell us a bit about the Koyomi? I did try to google, but came up with nothing related to renku/ renga, though it appears the word translates into English as ‘calendar’ or ‘almanac ‘, and is also the name of a female manga personality. That’s all I could find!
In what way, for instance, might the Koyomi be expected to differ from the Junicho, which also has 12 verses?
Yes, I agree that Sandra’s verse is best in her voice, with ‘on’, and ‘through the keyhole’ is preferable to the alternative in the ‘vixen’ verse, as it avoids the shock of the absurd.
Congratulations John. Nice finishing verse.
Silly of me not to see that with the plural openings.
I still wonder, however, if this verse might be altered:
the warming breeze
tugs at our writing sheet(john)
to
the warming breeze
tugs at our writing sheets
I do like the title. This koyomi has been an enjoyable and interesting trip. I particularly was impressed with your speed and generosity of explanations on each verse. Thank you sabaki.
Like Claire, I too, thought there was a prerequisite
for the ageku to not only round off the overall essences
of the total preceding verses, but also, to come a full circle by having a link to the hokku and daisan. Thanks for clearing that up.
I am eager to learn more about/practise this form, and appreciate your time and patience with us. Thank you
to everyone for being so speedy with creative verses.
I wanted to emphasize the momentum, because
I wanted everyone to feel that the muse sometimes come down right
into the heated session in a renku composition!
Koyomi is Not a well-known form. I presume
Prof. Sugiura named it such simply because
the number of verses coincides with the number of
months in a year.
As far as I know there are three different forms of
12 verse renku: Junicho, Shisan and Koyomi.
They are all shortened form of a kasen with 36 verses.
How to shorten is different.
Junicho- sacrifices four folio structure of a kasen. There is only One folio and that’s it. No omote, no ura.
This way it observes the lyrical (or singing) link in between verses just like in a kasen. A finely weaved renku without the
ambition of recreating the whole world.
Shisan has four folios just like a kasen. But there are only
three verses in a folio, which necessitates a distant link often.
I feel a shisan can be compared to an abstract picture.
It strives to recreate the world just like a kasen does.
To tell you the truth I really like this form. I did not
choose shisan for it is best to write a shisan after you have
experienced a number of kasen-writing experiences.
Koyomi has omote/ura distinction, which is a very
important feature of a kasen. I Do feel a Kasen is
the best renku form for many reasons I can not explain
in this short box! I think this can be a good exercise
for future kasen writers. But this is the very first time
even for me!
Hi Eiko,
Thank you very much for explaining Koyomi in relation to other kinds of renku. It is really good to have an idea now, of the differences and similarities …which would make for differences in the overall flow of a renku, too.
…and many thanks for introducing us to the Koyomi here at ‘issa’s snail’.
Is lovely as a title – most arresting!
Love the whole renku . . .
v V nice ageku! John peeps in to say ‘bye’ 🙂
Thanks Eiko.
Yes, ‘through the keyhole’ sounds good, so also the eagle verse in its shortened form.
But I’m still not ok with the word “majestic” —too telly, I feel. . .
but the sabaki knows best, so I go with it willingly!
Hi Eiko and Kala,
Just to say that I do understand Kala’s concern about ‘majestic’ within her verse here.
Of course there is nothing wrong with ‘majestic’ in itself…the problem is that great mountains have been for so long spoken and written about as ‘majestic’ that it is probably the first qualifier for ‘mountain’ that comes to most people’s minds. Mountains are conventionally ‘majestic’ : the expression has become a cliche. It might be better to imply majestic?
One possibility which might suggest great height and majesty might be ‘snow-capped’. I don’t know, only guessing, but wouldn’t a mountain that was snow-capped at the time of the Autumn full moon necessarily be a very high one?
in the gathering stillness
of a snow-capped mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
For me, ‘snow-capped’ adds to the mountain’s presence, and by analogy with this presence, the king enters easily: the King is to his subjects as the Mountain is to surrounding landscape. We don’t have to actually say ‘majestic’, since it’s part of the implied presence.
hmmm…could, be, Genevieve, but with ‘crag’ I tend to think of Scotland, deer & antlers, shaggy cattle and ‘the country seat ‘, as in the keyhole/ vixen & cubs verse … Tally-ho! Och Aye & all that.
I had dropped this on my list (but did not post the KOYOMI at all :
je deviens marron d’Inde
Kala sur le renku
… the golden eagle
marron d’Inde is the fruit of the “horse-chestnut”
I’m becoming “brown-chestnut”
Kala on the renku
… the golden eagle
Serge Tome answered, giving me the link to a new site,
So, do you allow me to post it to (only) Serge (Tempslibres.org & 575)? Or, Kala’s two, Kala, please, tell-me… ? I know that Serge would be very interested…
Thank you for the explanation of the various forms of 12-verse renku, much appreciated. It’s nice that people are still iventing new forms so long after Basho and his friends gathered to writer 1000-verse poems.
A point of typography. I would like to see a space inserted after the ellipsis in kala’s eagle verse. This would create an emphasis for the ellipsis and allow it to create an emphasis it.
Thus:
… a sudden thud
as an eagle lands (kala)
The speed of composition has been both fascinating and frustrating (in about equal amounts). I’m not convinced it aids the process of producing poetry, but anyway have enjoyed this speedy ride!
And apologies for the typos in this post. Yuck. Pouring with rain here, sticky keys on the keyboard and trying to go too fast. My first try at posting didn’t work at all.
So, one more time:
It’s nice that people are still inventing new forms so long after Basho and his friends gathered to write 1000-verse poems.
A point of typography. I would like to see a space inserted after the ellipsis in kala’s eagle verse. This would create an emphasis for the ellipsis and allow it to create an emphasis.
And my comment about finding the speed of the poem difficult wouldn’t apply, I’m sure, if we were all in a room together.
The more I use haiku forums on the web, the more disillusioned I seem to be become about the lines of communication.
Still, that’s just me – Ashley, please don’t read anything extra into that. Like I said, it’s raining and damp and chilly … and Monday! I have always found Issa’s Snail to be a delightful site.
Hi Eiko,
I do like the idea of ‘red door’ as part of the title, but find ‘spring melancholy & the red door’ a bit like a ‘description of contents’. For a poem title, something like ‘ Green Glass, Red Door’ would appeal to my tastes more… but of course we are all different in regard to taste!
I have opened the can of worms , haven’t I?!
Traditionally we are supposed to name the work
using the line from our hokku. I desired
a little deviation, but not a revolutionary one;–)
ps. (about the snow-capped mountain)
we need an autumn moon verse…..
I know the peaks are eternally snow-capped,
but we want to respect the code side of kigo…
Hi Eiko, I’m a little confused (again!) so I hope you will clarify this issue for me.
” I know the peaks are eternally snow-capped,
but we want to respect the code side of kigo…
How does this fit with your argument for ‘morning dew’ in Willie’s hokku? That the ‘strongest kigo’ is the one which dominates in a verse where it may be thought to have more than one kigo?
“. . .the strongest kigo and we don’t have to worry about “dew” which is listed as an autumn kigo. We all know dew exists in spring.
An example of three kigo haiku which is So popular from Edo period:
mini wakaba(5) yama hototogisu (7) hatsu gatsuo(5)
green leaves for eyes
mountain cockoos for ears
first bonito to eat” / Eiko
I would’ve thought that the Autumn full moon was a stronger kigo than ‘snow-capped’, since it is only (I’m assuming, though I don’t live near high mountains so could be wrong) very high mountains which are likely to be snow-capped around the time of the main Autumn moon.
Can you please explain this seeming inconstancy? Has it to do with the ‘special exemptions’ in regard to the hokku, perhaps?
spring melancholy—-it is obvious the verse is
a spring verse not based
on the code, based on “spring”
spelled out.
full moon rising—– without any contradictory kigo
this Is an autumn verse based
on the code. (without the knowledge
of the code, one can not determine
it as autumn moon.
example:
sakura tsukiyo–cherry blossom brightened by the moon
(is not autumn, but Is spring)
Scientifically speaking, the moon is around us anytime
of the year.
a solution if this were a haiku: you change full moon into autumn moon.
================================
In a renku, there is a strict aethetics: you can use
the name of a season only once in one renku.
We have the name of a season in our hokku. That is
why we can not use the solution for haiku.
I do follow Sandra for the space creating an ellipse (and, (but don’t hear me!) would suppress “as” to emphazise the thud, the weight, the importance of the golden eagle which is more than a simple eagle… a true dramatic image.
That’s my view, nobody has to share it. Such as,
… sudden thud
an eagle lands
Geneviève’s idea for crag may be quite good. if this can suit to Himalaya (it seems so, but… kala knows better).
“Green glass, red Door”, why not ?
= omote and ura !
—
Well, the only real problem for me, is the ageku which takes back the ida of PAPER in the cut-out blossom. Two verses on paper ?
“lifting my face”, or even “scent of fresly dug earth”, wouldbring another final way, it seems…
Beyond this renku, though, it shows me that there must be different guidelines or interpretations of guidelines about, since I’ve been under the impression from various other sources that the (unqualified) moon was considered an Autumn kigo by default, unless over-ridden by a stronger or contradictory kigo! (such as it is in the moon plus cherry blossoms example you give)
That understanding, which seems misplaced here in regard to this renku, is the reason I’d assumed that ‘snow-capped’, if it is a kigo at all, would be a weaker kigo than the ‘Autumn-by-default’ moon.
I’ve not been able to find ‘snow-capped’ in any online saijiki, but a print of ‘Tatsuta-hime, the Shintō goddess of autumn’ has a snow-capped Mt. Fuji in the background, which suggests to me that a snow-capped mountain might not necessarily be a contradictory thing in this context.
thank you for the Yumeji’s art! I too can see your line
of thought clearly. Besides your tweak Is a great one
as sandra mentioned…. I instantly thought so, too.
yet….in order to call our Koyomi a renku… we had better
not use the word :snow with the moon in the autumn position.
believe me, it takes some years to get used to this kigo issue side
of renku(it took me much more years than ‘some’ !)
promise me to read this Koyomi five years later.
(on condition that you continue writing renku)
” “neiges éternelles” “eternal snow, everlasting snow”, so they can’t be used as a kigo word.” – Claire
Thanks for that information, Claire. I suspected that was the case….at least it seems logical. And the French certainly makes the connection with ‘non-seasonal’ clear!
However, we don’t know, not having access to saijiki, that ‘snow-cap/ neiges eternelles’ in the Japanese word/s aren’t listed in a saijiki under a particular season. This is the frustration…in the dark, one can only guess!
Kigo is a Japanese cultural concept which doesn’t always translate well into other languages/ cultures, even those with the ‘traditional’ four seasons, such as Europe, the UK and the Northern part of North America, let alone countries such as India and Australia. And that is the reason I prefer ‘seasonal reference’ over kigo when referring renku or haiku written in English.
I take it that it’s the word ‘snow’ that’s the problem, whether or not it’s in the context of ‘year-round snow’ or in the French as Claire has shown, “neiges éternelles”.
If the word ‘snow’ appears, no matter how qualified in context, it is considered to be a Winter kigo? So an Autumn moon cannot (as far as the conventions of renku go) rise by a mountain with a snow-cap.
Though in reality, that big, yellow Autumn moon also rises in Antarctica, where there is nothing but ice and snow. 😉
ah, well ;-), I do enjoy finding out things, am happiest when learning…the eternal student!
Hi Kala, but May isn’t Autumn for India, is it Kala? Can’t be! It’s the last month of Autumn here, in the SH!
I thought your moon verse was an Autumn verse?
“I would like to ask kala to write us
a moon verse, preferably a happy harvest moon, definitely of the autumn season.” Eiko
imo, in Winter, when it snows, just ‘snow-capped’ would be out, and it’d be more likely ‘snow-covered’. Even here we have the ‘Australian Alps’, in Victoria and NSW, which have snow in Winter. But they are not high enough to have a ‘snow-cap’ in other seasons, like the high Himalayan mountains.
Anyway 😉 interesting to be able to exchange our different views.
I like ‘spring melancholy and the red door’. To me it invites the reader into a story. It gives a suggestion that the red door will have some effect on the melancholy – perhaps as a symbol of happiness that could take the melancholy away.
September / October / November is our autumn months, Lorin . . .
So what I meant is that from May ( when the snow is melting) to November when the whether has cleared, it’s all fine for trekking
So even though we see the far away mountains snow-capped, we cannot generalise the Himalayas as snow-capped in the autumn months
Hope I’m clear, Lorin?
***
It was fun playing around with the title Eiko.
Tradition stagnates, if we have to stick to conventions. The fact we did Koyomi itself proves that tradition has to move, and I salute the prof who invented this . . .
Hi Kala, yep 😉 …I got what you were saying confused.
For conventions sake we could say that the months for Indian seasons are the opposite to here…but, interestingly, where I live, as in the India you have described, we really have six seasons as well:
The seasons around Australia vary. The native people of the various areas had them down to a fine art, of course, having survived here for so many thousands of years.
But 🙂 (…and I wish I could find a way to do our ‘tongue-poking-out’ smiley here) I reckon you could find at least *one* snow-capped mountain which could be seen from somewhere in India (or Nepal) all the year around, and in Autumn …and that was my main point.
Let me say, we call them “neiges éternelles” “eternal snow, everlasting snow”, so they can’t be used as a kigo word.
Yes, Serge Tomé would be glad to read the koyomi or, at least Kala’s ones. Two months ago, he was doing some work on Indian documents he had benn keeping for some seven years…
He gave the following link on the list :
about a film shot in 1999, in Nepal, with a child, Karma Wangiel (Passang), Thilen Lhondup… shot in the Dolpo in the north-west of the Himalayan mountains (title would be ; Himalaya, a chief’s childhood”)
Today is Pentecost Monday, so it’s holy-day. I close the computer…
Hi Claire, yes, Ashley’s suggestion is the best thing… send the ‘snail’ url to Serge so that he can read it here.
Once something is put on ‘temps libre’, you know, it is considered published. I know that Serge doesn’t like work on ‘temps libre’ to be regarded as published, but I have been through this (and so have many others) and that’s how the journals, both online and print, view the matter.
Eiko would like to submit this renku for publication. It is better that no part of it should appear anywhere but here prior to publication.
Lorin, I hope this post pops up in the right place!
In Japanese we have the idiom: mannen yuki,
ten thousand year old snow, which is the equivalent of that
French: eternal snow. (sorry I can’t type French)
This is not a kigo.
Yukigefuji— or “Mt Fuji with melting snow” is a kigo for summer.
The artist of the woodblock may have this kigo in mind.
In my saijiki there are about 100 kigo that include the word: snow (or yuki), most of them are winter kigo
but quite a few are spring kigo (such as snowmelt,
snow avalanche, remaining snow etc). And a few are summer kigo. I can’t find any for autumn. Can you think of any?
Hi Eiko,
No, I can’t think of any seasonal reference (& certainly not kigo!) for snow in Autumn. I live in a practically snowless country, though there is snow in the mountains here in Winter (& in Winter only, and relatively briefly)
🙂 …my only thought, and it might be absurd, is that I wonder if there is an expression in Japanese equivalent to ‘ten thousand year-old snow-caps’… mannen yuki – um, ‘caps’. That snow which remains the year around on the peaks of the really high mountains of the world, and which would have to be, as you say ‘10,000 year-old snow’ is, categorised as non-seasonal.
Hello Eiko,
Yes, I think I have learnt a bit more about the role of kigo in Japanese renku and haiku over the course of this renku and I sincerely thank you for this opportunity to gain a little more insight. I can also understand that the translation of this renku into Japanese, and the extent to which it might be acceptable to a Japanese audience, has been a determining factor.
Kigo, as listed in saijiki, has been a very important factor from the beginning, with Willie’s ‘spring melancholy’ and Barbara’s ‘fiddleheads’ both to be found in Kenkichi Yamamoto’s (translated) ‘The Five Hundred Essential Japanese Keywords’
The priority, in Kala’s moon verse, even though it is in a traditional ‘moon verse’ position at verse #5, was that there be not even a trace of a suggestion of any other possible season to conflict with the Autumn-by-default moon.
Listed in saijiki there are:
“… 100 kigo that include the word: snow (or yuki). . .” which pertain to Winter, Spring and Summer, but not one for Autumn.
And ‘snow-caps’ /’eternal snow’ would have to be a ‘no-season’ word, but it doesn’t easily translate into Japanese and is not listed as a ‘no-season’ word.
I think I understand a bit better, now: kigo first, all other considerations secondary.
Please find the definitive text and its translation below.
Falling love with this poem, I will try to find a home
for it so that many renku lovers around the world can enjoy our work.
sincerely yours,
eiko yachimoto
25 May, 2010
=========================
The definitive text:
Koyomi: spring melancholy & the red door
led by eiko yachimoto
started May 9, 2010
completed May 22, 2010
(omote)
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie) （spring)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara) (spring)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin) (no season)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown on the fire (sandra) (autumn)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala) (autumn)
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko) (no season)
*** ***
(ura)
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (claire) (summer/love)
across the square the red
door of our first home(geneviève) (no season/love)
through the keyhole
a vixen with her cubs
scavenging (barbara, claire) (winter)
… a sudden thud
as an eagle lands (kala) (winter)
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table (ashley) (no season with spring flavor)
the warming breeze
tugs at our writing sheets(john) (spring)
I do like the title. Thank you for this translation, and for your patience with us. I am appreciative of your efforts to share our exercise with a wider audience.
Thanks everyone. Looking forward to our next adventures….
“mannen”, is on the online Japanese-Français, and means “eternal”. Definitely, not a kigo word !
Yes, I’ll give the link to Serge. Then, I don’t know if he can choose to have it in Tempslibres. I don’t think so, as it is all new and this Eiko’s priority. He may, however, choose to have it on list for us all to get some experience. We are not many (10? 15? taking part). Some have quite a good English, Danièle (who got the third place on the Japanese embassy contest in Dakar, Damien, who won the “Cherry blossoms Vancouver Contest” some years ago, Vincent, Danièle’s daughter”and Meriem who helps Serge with 575 ; so, then, that may bring you other candidates ! Altough, I’m not at all sure they are interested in renku.
So, please, tell-me, if you wish ONLY Serge. Then, I tell him.
Thank you, Eiko, for all the time granted to us, your interest and contribution, too !
I’ve just seen that John has updated his ‘excercises’ page on Renku Reckoner, and has added the four verse Yotsomuno to his guides under ‘Common Sequences’.
Another exciting possibility from the man who created the ‘zip’ form of haiku/ renku verse!
Thank you, Eiko. It’s been very interesting working with you – and an exciting experience to be part of the first Koyomi composed in English. Thank you for all your guidance.
Thank you everyone – as Barbara said, I look forward to our next adventure.
And as always, thank you Ashley for this great site!
I hope Willy will make a speedy and complete recovery.
It was a great experience all through and I loved the discussions and interactions!
Thanks to all . . . nice getting to know you all through this renku trip 🙂
Hi all, it’s great to see this completed text of the first Koyomi in English. Thank you for selecting that ageku candidate of mine. And many thanks to Eiko for tightening the draft. I’d like to add my own appreciation of our sabaki’s comprehensive and inclusive effort.
On a technical level I find this six plus six idea of the Koyomi is quite attractive – not least because, as Eiko pointed out earlier, it allows us to consider aspects of Basho’s style that other 12 verse sequences will not accomodate.
Claire, I believe I can answer your specific question. The Koyomi is a contemporary proposal for a specific arrangement of 12 verses. The Shisan is another and slightly earlier proposal. The Junicho likewise. All of these are renku sequences – that is, they are directly in the line of development from Matsuo Basho’s school of haikai-no-renga. So they are autonomous – one does not depend upon the other.
The zekku is a very much older style of short sequence which is only related to haikai-no-renga in that (a) it may have influenced the development of early linked verse technique and (b) I have cited it as an paradigm for aspects of the Yotsumono, a controversial proposal for a four verse sequence which I have just made public (thanks Lorin) at Renku Reckoner.
I’d respectfully like to make a general suggestion to everybody: please take time out to read back through all of Eiko’s comments during the course of this composition. There is a fantastic ammount of information there which, I know from personal experience, can be quite easy to overlook at the time as one concentrates purely on the specifics of this or that draft of a particular verse.
It would be a shame to allow this creative energy to dissipate. And, given that we have composed several Junicho here, and now a Koyomi, it might make sense to examine the other 12 verse sequence, the Shisan.
Thank you, John.
I wanted to know more on these renku forms, and am glad to learn they are not directly linked… so, that, there are real different forms.
Our koyomi represents the world through its images, ondoor/outdoor, seasons, name places (directly or indirectly), jo, ha, kyu (But, how did they come to invent those forms…) and, of course its developping form, omote and ura. Time will help to realize better, I think ; reading again and get to know.
shi (death ?) sa (difference ?) san (three) ???
So, Ill be going on the newRenkureckoner…
Thank you again, it wasa great experience to share between us all, whereas the occidental poetry, at Bsho’s time was especially an individual form (Ronsard, DuBellay, … the lakist poets…) Here, there is the conviviality of sharing whih is not known in the occidental world.
To Eiko :
who had the patience of hearing my fumbling fingers !
Claire Gardien, Hirson, Aisne, France
Warm wishes to you all !
Claire
ps: don’t worry, Kala, my “Indian” is no better than your French (and if tou had an idea of our verbs…)
Please, Ashley, if you could erase the long passage on, “la scène du lac”.
It did not turn out as I wanted ! The film is on amazon France, however… I don’t know if it was put into English…
It was shot in the Himalayan mountains (Dolpo) with a caravan of yaks and cameras on the yacks’ backs around a lake (altitude, 5000 mètres. I” buy it, personnally…
Himalaya, a Jack Valli film (1988 or 1989)
Snow as an autumn kigo…
I can’t judge in the case of Japan, and especially concerning Mount Fuji’s characteristics. However, kigos are old Japan’s season words, so real to the country’s geographic peculiarities.
With the global warming, won’t they count as some historical database of Japan?
Following Gabi’s everyday entries on the Worldkigo database, I happen to realize (or, am-I wrong?) that kigos are of a very large amount, much larger than what I could imagine…
Snow can come early anyway, as there are now so many winters without a single fluff of snow (mid-northen part of France). What about it in Germany-Bayern?
Dérangements climatiques…
It sometimes happens that the Tour de France meets snow on its way in the Alps, which, of course, is undue at that period of the year (july, summer), even if there are eternal snows on top of the highest peaks (Mont Blanc… ). Right now, there is a very large pool of water in the underground there which is being pumped (it already happened in the 1850’s and, (of course) neither episodic snow nor undue pool of water can’t count as kigos (or, even seasonal words?).
So… is early autumn snow on Mount Fuji something common, as to be registered as kigo?
As for your previous entry on late summer kigos, there are here, the little sugared yellow plums of the east (mirabelles), figs in the south, table grapes (esp. chasselas (white) and muscat (blue), soon to come the wine grapes in Champagne and everywhere, berries…
The same in Germany (quetsches?) and grapes, too. Everywhere, the autumn crops, anyway…
Just wondering…
Strange Australian winter/early spring, it seems.
Greetings, too, with a hot september sun after a cold period in august.
Thanks for your note in the other threads, John.
Eiko, I’m looking forward to this, so I’m putting my hand up to be part of the group now.
Lorin
Yes, thank you John for the news – I’d very much like to be part of the group so I’m putting my hand up now too.
Best wishes,
Genevieve.
Outstanding! I’m very keen, looking forward to it, thanks for the warning John.
Thanks for being being so kind and offering your time, Eiko!
Ashley
Eiko, I would love to be a part of this trip too.
_kala
Hello Eiko, glad to hear the knife didn’t win! Please count me in on this.
Best wishes,
Sandra
g’day Eiko
Just saw John’s message. Love to join in too.
Wishing you a speedy healing and pleased you are here.
Peace and Love
Hi all, I tried to post an brief intro yesterday but messed up – being on a public access network. Anyway, here goes:
My friend, colleague and respected mentor Eiko Yachimoto is the real thing – first and foremost a poet of uncontested ability who just happens to have a huge understanding of, and passion for, renku. With Eiko the poetry comes first, second and third; technical considerations come fourth.
I guess it was inevitable that the early spread of interest in renku amongst English speaking people would be accompanied by all sorts of misconceptions, rigidities, simplifications and distortions. But where Eiko, and a number of her colleagues from the Association for International Renku, shine is in instinctive understanding of the universality of the human condition. Therefore, although renku has arisen in a particular linguistic and cultural setting, there is nothing in it which may not be understood.
You are about to get a master class. Enjoy. John
…a large piece of bamboo and a very sharp knife!!?
You didn’t literally…oh dear, oh dear!
Looks like I might make a crowd here so I’ll hang back and see what happens-Hi, everybody!
http://plaza.rakuten.co.jp/garasagrace/
——–
Dear Ashley,Lorin, Geenevieve,Sanda and Willie,
How do you do? I am much less than what or who my friend, John, kindly described above. But he is right in one point. I strongly believe in renku power. And I feel truly excited about getting to know you as we collaborate.
The site above is where I occasionally write just for myself and this is the first time I let people have the address. Having
visited some pages of Issa’s Snail, I feel like sharing
my *naked*thoughts . Well, I have to warn you for the language…( I write there in Japanese)
Dear Barbara and kala,
So good to see you here. We have collaborated a couple of
times and I know what a talented poet each of you are.
Let us explore the mystery and the charm of renku again.
Do correct my Japanese accent and strange phrasing. Never
take them as cute or something. I count on you! I have
a sincere respect for the English language.
Dear John,
My white bandage still attracted attention in today’s mass!
But the wound seems to start healing and now I wonder
why I do not blame my right hand that did the cut. I get
philosophical and ponder on the mission of a ring finger
vs all fingers etc. Meanwhile thank you for introducing me to this nice group of poets!
Everyone,
I have one deadline to meet and plan to start New Sequence
on May 8. Please look around and in you and write a couple of
hokku candidates when you have time.
With warm regards,
eiko
Hey Eiko,
Welcome!
I’m sure Barbara and me look forward to this renku trip, as much as all the rest of us here.
love,
_kala
morning star
the way I hold on
to my dreams
Dear Eiko,
Very much looking forward to working with you! I wish I knew how to translate your website, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve read the renku ‘October Rain’ and your tomegaki for it at ‘Simply Haiku’.
http://www.simplyhaiku.com/SHv6n3/index-issue.html
I’m sure we’ll all have a go at writing a hokku, but I can’t help recalling this haiku of Bill Kenney’s, considering your recent accident:
daffodil shoots . . .
underneath a bandage
the cut begins to itch
Bill Kenney, 1st published ‘The Heron’s Nest’, Volume XI, Number 2: June, 2009.
The itching is of course a sign of healing and new growth of tissue, and I hope this is happening for you.
warmly,
Lorin
Dear Eiko,
Thank you for the warm welcome. I too am greatly looking forward to working with you.
Best wishes,
Genevieve.
a thought for a hokku:
the red door
opening
to our first home
g’day Eiko
Really looking forward to this new sequence.
Heal well, and thanks for taking us on.
Here is an offer for hokku. I will think on others…
changing the colours…
our different thoughts
on each new day
Peace and Love
Dear Eiko,
I’m assuming when you said 8 th May – you want a spring hokku?
[In India we are beginning Summer and May end is peak summer for us . . . :)]
flecks of yellow
near the garden gate —
tiny butterflies
at my window . . .
looking for something
beyond spring rain
water ripples
along a boatman’s song . . .
hazy moon
_kala
Hi Eiko, thank you again for coming to lead us, really looking forward to it!
Ok, going to have a shot at the hokku
if this is the first
snowflake
I have to smile
Hi Everyone – the joy of a new computer … that actually works!
another offer (autumn in Australia, so not sure what is required):
through an autumn
window – cows
afloat on morning fog
Hi Kala and Genevieve,
Considering that this is what Eiko has said
“Please *look around and in you* and write a couple of
hokku candidates when you have time.”
I would assume that whatever season it is where we are is what’s wanted, and therefore whether we write a Spring or Autumn verse is up to us.
Five of the participants are located in the Southern Hemisphere (where it’s Autumn) I don’t think there’s any basis for assuming that Eiko would want a Spring hokku particularly, though of course it’s an option.
I haven’t been able to write a thing! Never mind, a couple of days still to go. 🙂
maybe:
a boatman’s song
above the rippling waters . . .
hazy moon
_kala
.
boatman’s song . . .
above the rippling waters
a hazy moon
🙂
_kala
g’day Eiko, all
Here are two more offers:
in rising mists
a silver cockatoo calls
to hold the valley
refreshing…
finding the truth
in our science
“`
Peace and Love
One more try for now, will try coming back soon for another
all the grass
unwinding now
sunlight
Lorin, yes, but India is closer to spring than autumn, though actually speaking we have just entered summer!
🙂
_kala
Summer already for you, Kala! 😉 ah, we’ll begin Winter officially here on the 1st of June. Different everywhere!
cheers,
lorin
Hi Lorin,
Yes, I agree.
Ashley, I love your image of the grass unwinding in the sunlight,
and Kala I do like your ‘water ripples/along a boatman’s song …’
this welcome rain –
a warm scent of mushrooms
in the pine grove
the banners
for Buddha’s birthday – a smile
ripples in the wind
(even in Melbourne we have these banners advertising the events held in the City to mark the occasion…this year, the weekend of 15th-16th May:
http://www.buddhaday.org.au/
or more simply:
Buddha Day –
a smile
ripples in the wind
Yeah, I like this one, Lorin
..thanks, Ashley…yet I wonder whether it’d be clear enough if I hadn’t mentioned ‘banners’ in the previous draft?
Buddha Day –
his smile
ripples in the wind
…hmmmm
Though officially our Winter doesn’t begin until June, I noticed this on Bill Higginson’s site:
Early Winter = Nov (Northern Hemisphere) or May (Southern Hemisphere)
Mid Winter = Dec or Jun
Late Winter = Jan or Jul
It doesn’t feel right to me, especially since it makes December here mid-Summer instead of early Summer, with scorching February late Summer, but just in case, here’s another hokku candidate:
winter shower –
the words I can’t find
might fall from the sky
I can relate to this, Lorin.
Late spring here, (our northern border U.S. spring lingers interminably, recalling winter and /or harkening summer) I sat knocked back with a cruel sinus headache (too much info, I know, but my head is like some ancient barometric device) writing some posh talk to our buddy John C., when I heard pellets of hail rain down on the dirty asphalt outside the window. It sounded like dropping a trout filet (head attached, the only way to eat fresh caught Rainbow) into a frying pan on low heat.
It either meant I was hungry or a signal to produce something relevant to the human condition.
I’m still hungry…
…and another mushroom one:
soft rain is falling
on the mushroom hunters’
coloured umbrellas
gathering mushrooms
the circle
unbroken
lighting
our way home –
persimmons
the maple
with the reddest leaves
my neighbour’s
Greetings to my dearest renju,
Thank you for warming the house for a coming session!
I would like to share with you two texts I happened to encounter while wondering how to answer one gigantic question directed to me two months ago: “What is the purpose of renku?”
(text 1)
Some people say that there is nothing more vivid or memorable than a picture, but this claim is simply not true. No visual image is as clear as the image created by the mind in response to words. The main function of the writer or poet, in fact, is to enable people to see more deeply into things than they can with the unaided eye. There is more to life than meets the eye, and this is what good prose or poetry is all about. It is not true that one picture is worth a 1000 words. It takes only a few words – if they are the right words – to ignite the imagination and produce pictures far more colorful than anything within the range of electronic communication.
(text 2)
If poetry is to survive as a means of communication, it must become necessary to people. Necessary, not in the way that bread is necessary, but in the way that an annual holiday in the country is necessary to town-workers: as a refreshment of the emotional life. This may sound to modern ears as an extravagant claim. But consider. Poetry is a recreation. It is, first, a perpetual recreation of language; the poet must have
an unusually sensitive ear for words; he listens to the idioms of his age and heightens it into a poetical language. He is a scientist of words; his experiments with them depend for their success on a hair’s-breadth accuracy; he is perpetually seeking new combinations of them, as a scientist seeks new chemical combinations. In a period such as the present, when language suffers from exhaustion, this function of the poet is of utmost importance.
I have not yet worded my answer for the questioner,
but I AM seeing it and it includes two points in the texts above
plus the need of a soul of being in touch with another soul living in THIS world as a person not only with all those wars, problems, prejudices but also with wonderful mysteries of nature.
Oh, my finger is almost healed and I can type like this!
With a smile,
eiko
I will be p
We do renku because we
Good morning, or evening! (As the case may be)
Had a chance to read/write some catch phrases and general thoughts and scenes of various seasons.
Someone from Sendai, Japan found our fledging (one year old) renku blog via a tea company’s web site link, so I linked back and learned a little about tea farming throughout the year.
Maybe I can use something from that excursion, yet, I had more pleasure imagining working on a tea farm. Not being the owner, just someone who works there. Of course if one worked there long enough, one could acquire some skill and knowledge.
evening rain
under the porchlight
dad calls us all in
a fine garden
in the traffic circle
once more around
spring melancholy
the green glass tortoise
in morning dew
without regret
hanging up her beret
she slips into autumn
green dampness
through the open window
prickly milk thistle
passing through
the rusty gate
wild gardens
second harvest
in the tea tree’s grove
frog’s serenade
tender dreams
of my old black hat
snow on tea leaves
first strong gusts
the hawk as still life
gliding, soaring
Some lovely verses there, Willie, esp like the hawk as a “still life”. How true of these majestic birds (we have native harrier hawks).
😉 …you’re on a roll, Willie!
dancing with strangers –
I zag
while the others zig
g’day Eiko, all
I’d like to offer another:
morning rush hour
shared umbrellas streak
the zebra crossing
Is there a limit to the number of verses we can offer?
Peace and love
in from icy paddocks –
the pot-belly
chuckles its welcome
discarding the day’s boots
a long stretch …
toes to the fire
If there’s a limit, I made certain to exceed it, Barb.
Hello,
Since we live in various parts of the earth, don’t worry about kigo as code language. For the hokku, include a word that will give a hint on the real season you are in.
I would like to choose our hokku in three steps:
step one: I make a short list tomorrow . (about 12 hours from now)
Barbara, if you write more candidates, please
send them by that time. Same to everyone.
step two: I ask everyone to pick one out of the short list.
The verse that gain most votes becomes the renju’s choice.
*if renju and your sabaki choose the same verse, that becomes our hokku.
*If not, we will have a discussion session to compare the two.
step three: We will edit one or the other so it qualifies as a good hokku.
Meanwhile I would like to decide which form of renku we
will be writing after we have written our hokku, waki and daisan.
Stop me anytime when I do not make any sense.
humbly yours,
eiko
Hello everybody,
Is-there a little place for me ? Wondering…
As I don’t know at all the “zekku” and feel interested in Japanese poetry, I would be glad to try myself with you again (drop out in case…).
Poetry is a recretion, yes, it is, it’s blowing air in a balloon, it is, above all ((to me) an emtional experience… translate one’s feelings into words. By the way, the interest of renku, that has the capacity of writing your personnal life all along it’s way nd sharing emotions with the others. A link between humans? This -not so wonderful world- needs it. Not in India perhaps, where people experience everyday the sharing of their life with others. In the occidental world, this is quite different, walls everyday tighten the already opened -gaps that separate people… sorts of class ghettos.
So poetry could play the role of having people united, re-united?-. A link, just like in renku ! (Remembering that wondrous Indian film (beginswith a man in a whiteshirt cimbing down of a bus, if I remember well) shot in a hardest poverty’s surrounding where people share their single roupi and only have their smile to offer to be happy and make the others happy !
the cow on
the road – peacefully resting
among humans
bamboos weeping over
River Li – the cormorant’s
fisherman
right out there
there is a path enlarging
with blubells and stars
can I be with you ?
rest !
Claire
I’m sure there is Claire, though Eiko may let us know if there isn’t a space when we get closer to having a form chosen, kasen, junicho etc
Sprite?
Is that you?
Which movie is this you are talking about?
I don’t remember seeing this . . .
We not only have cows, we have our street dogs too “peacefully “sleeping in the middle of a busy road . . . and the traffic moves around them!
india!
_kala
Dear Eiko,
How well and organised even your start seems to me 🙂
Keenly looking forward to this experience,
one more variation of the boatman
water ripples
beneath a boatman’s song . . .
hazy moon
?
_kala
Sorry, Kala, I… don’t think I’m Sprite !! However, Sprite (kokkshut, here) sometimes appears on haiku.fr.
I have no idea of the film’ title. Maybe, fifteen years ago ? Just watched on Wikipedia without results. Vityajit Ray was the single name I know.
Smiling is their only reason to live on… A great film
smiling is their gold
on their hands and faces
the full moon ‘s light
Keep that quietness, nothing is worse than the cost of industry on people’s souls !
Happy dogs !
Claire
a wind gust
bares the grapevine’s trunk –
Mother’s Day
Lorin
the wind shakes loose
a few yellow leaves –
Mothers’ Day
Lorin
gathering of friends –
a fresh wind burnishes
the rose-hips
…or ‘rosehips’ or ‘rose hips’… all are acceptable alternatives, by the looks of a quick google.
or
a fresh wind
burnishes the rose-hips –
gathering of friends
Hi, everyone,
Here is my short list numbered only for the purpose of
your voting. Please read my comments down below.
1) in rising mist
a silver cockatoo calls
to hold the valley (mist/autumn)
2) * if this is the first letter
snowflakes,
I have to smile (first snowflakes/early winter)
3) * through a window
cows line up afloat
on morning fog (fog/autumn)
4) gathering of friends-
a fresh wind burnishes
the rose-hips (rose-hips/autumn)
5) in from icy paddocks–
the pot-belly
chuckles its welcome (icy/winter)
6) *”count me in”
persimmons lighting
our way home (persimmons/autumn)
7) *water ripples
beneath a boatman’s song
…summer moon (summer moon/summer)
8)*the wind shakes loose
a few autumn leaves–
Mother’s Day (autumn leaves/autumn)
9)*there is a path
ever enlarging with
bluebells and stars (bluebell/summer)
10) spring melancholy
the green glass tortoise
in morning dew (spring/spring)
================
I feel daunted being aware that I am to be judged by my selection.
Those candidates with the * mark have been tweaked
by your sabaki.
I lengthened some of your offers because it is Vital for
any renku to have ripples generated by chaining long and
short verses in turn. Hokku is a long verse and if
it is not long enough, we have problem in writing a short
verse.
Hokku/waki pair is about the real situation we are in.
We go into the renku world of wild imagination from the
third (Daisan) onward.
Renku is an art of momentum. And it is best we compose
in a pleasant tempo.
Those offers not selected Do have grace. Thank you so
much for sending them.
Would you send me your feel with your vote?
With warmest regards,
eiko
adding
to the wood pile –
centipedes
his white camellia
flowering best on my side
of the fence
last mosquito bite
of summer,
delicious itch
Eiko, please excuse the late offering, above (we were submitting at the same time, it seems). Please ignore.
In the traditon of not voting for onself, ahem, I would like to support verse #7, which has a seductive atmosphere.
And the ripples could be said to be the verses that follow …
way up to mountain
summer pasture
shepherd, ewes and lambs
*
spring mood
all the birds
in the same chorus
*
Claire
Hello, Ms Eiko,
I should note I’m very pleased to meet you even after my late appearance, by the way! (Funny…and John warned me to be ready!)
Tonight, I’ve risen to check the sequence…
I enjoy #4 for it’s reference to a gathering and the burnishing; as though we might practice our best writing, even though it is the wind, fickle it may be, that actually refines the “product”. The verse seems suitable for a beginning, all of us a little nervous early on (read the previous commentary!) yet still friends, even though we haven’t been together for awhile.
Not to judge you, but I was surprised you picked my # 10-
I wasn’t sure ‘melancholy’ would be suitable, plus it included the season name this early on, though secretly it was my favorite of my submissions; I’ll not go into why.
Hi Eiko!
Thank you – it’s nice to be reminded that the longer verse needs to be longer, if only to make it easier on those following with the short verse.
My favourites are #1 & 3 – I love the ethereal feel of them.
Looking forward to see what happens next!
Ash
an eagle’ glide
over the mountain’s circus
shimmering clouds
am not sure of theword “circus”… corrie ?
*
spring mood
alle the birds at dawn
in te same chorus
Hi Claire,
I think you mean cirrus, but at the moment we are not submitting new verses, but commenting on the selection that the sabaki has made so as to choose a hokku (lead verse for the poem).
hello Eiko and All,
I’ve been out, Mothers’ Day here today, and pleasant weather…lunch and then an afternoon in the Botanical Gardens with my son.
There are some excellent offers here.
After mulling them all over, my first choice (leaving my own aside, of course) is
5) in from icy paddocks–
the pot-belly [stove]
chuckles its welcome (icy/winter)
…though I’d prefer the full, less ambiguous term, ‘pot-belly stove’ in a hokku. It gives a sense of hearty warmth and sets a welcoming, sheltered Winter scene.
Lorin
g’day all
I like #7, and can see we are indeed the ripples that will surely follow beneath those lines.
Kala, it is summer already in India? Still, with global warning, we know that everything comes earlier.
Peace and Love
Eiko,
Good choices you’ve made and what a spread we have before us.
It’s difficult to choose one . . .
Lorin, I think “the pot-belly” here is the laughing Buddha?
Or I might be wrong, of course!
Thanks Sandra and Barbara for your votes.
water ripples / beneath a boatman’s song
Yes Barbara, summer has begun in full eanest.
India has six seasons, two months each and so March / April is spring for us, and May / June is summer followed by monsoon for the next two months!!
Mangoes are flooding the market . . .
This verse is about our trip to Banaras, and about the boat ride on river Ganga. Unforgetable.
Yes! The boat ride across life | across the renku journey! 🙂
My first choice ( would be mine: for reasons stated above) but leaving that aside it would be:
verse # 1
in rising mist
a silver cockatoo calls
to hold the valley
But . . .
I’m not very comfortable with L 3 here. . .
can a cockatoo call “to hold the valley”
Maybe it’s a term I’m not aware of . . .
My second choice is verse # 8.
Very nice, and topical.
_kala
good evening, genevieve and claire,
would you send your vote?
sincerely,
eiko
ps. sandra, I was sorry not to have included your last
submission. and thank you for your kind help!
Hi, I guess I had better proceed.
#1 and #7 are close ties…
Your sabaki would like a clear cut for a hokku.
Both ARE exceptional verses, but I see the moon on water…
For that reason plus to make a point of hokku being
a truly independent original poem, I would like to choose:
spring melancholy
a glass tortoise
in morning dew
春愁やガラスの亀に朝の露
I can see the tortoise as if I had the same feeling . There is subtle poetical reality in this verse.
If you accept this as YOUR hokku, please write a waki
with a spring kigo.
thanking you,
eiko
Hi Eiko, I was attracted to this one, too.
spring melancholy
a glass tortoise
in morning dew
That image of the tortoise is a strong and original image. It was a toss-up between this of Willie’s and Kala’s ‘boatman’ for my second choice.
It’s a little revelation to me, though, that a renku may begin on a note of overt melancholy. (That probably makes it obvious to you that I’ve not been involved in as many renku as most of the others in the group)
I notice you’ve taken out ‘green’ from the original, and am curious as to your reasons why, (though I do see that without ‘green’, the reader can infer a clear glass tortoise or a blue one (I have a blue glass turtle! ) or any colour that comes to mind.
Green glass, though, has interesting historical/cultural references in relation to melancholy. The green glass of a certain era (pre WW2) is often referred to now as ‘Depression Glass’, is ‘collectible’ in a minor way, and is called so because it was the cheapest and most available form of glassware during the Depression years.
Whether Willie intended that allusion or not, I can’t tell, nor whether the melancholy wit of a big city dweller is at play here with ‘green’ (green/greening so Spring related, but grass and trees rare in a city)
Just ‘glass’ does leave the poem more open the readers.
I’d love to know your thinking behind to cut, though, otherwise I’m just guessing.
Lorin
spring melancholy
a glass tortoise
in morning dew
春愁やガラスの亀に朝の露
(Thank you for the katakana version, that’s very nice to have and to see.)
dear lorin, willie and everyone,
I am hugely embarrassed! It is my careless mistake not to have typed ‘green’ before ‘glass’. In my image I do have a green glass tortoise. Taking as many as three syllables
(mi-do-ri), it can’t be included in Japanese translation, but that is irrelevant here. I am very very Very sorry
for this careless mistake. I chose this without any change, as it was offered originally.
(verses with a clear cut)
To have a cut means or should mean that
a poem is charged with energy in between.
And this poetic energy should happen in between verses
in following verses, in other words tsukeku (a verse
composed to link) must not have a cut. Hokku is the only
verse with a cut, well theoretically speaking it is.
All three make a good hokku.
In fact I was thinking of a waki for spring melancholy verse so
a pair becomes positive. please see below.
gathering of friends-
a fresh wind burnishes
the rose-hips
the wind shakes loose
a few autumn leaves–
Mother’s Day
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise (sits)
in morning dew
across from a muddy aisle
the scent of wild rose
(verses with nice social greetings)
I was Very much attracted to the following verses.
A cockatoo can be a sabaki… A letter from the sky
received with a smile is wonderful.
But excluding the rose-hip verse, they have the prosody of tsukeku to me.
in from icy paddocks–
the pot-belly stove*
chuckles its welcome
gathering of friends–
a fresh wind burnishes
the rose-hips
in rising mist
a silver cockatoo calls
to hold the valley
if this is the first letter,*
snowflakes,
I have to smile
Frankly speaking I chose all ten telling myself
any can be a hokku with its own poetry, but alas,
I have to pick one to start our renku.
Many people seem to believe that war, love, sickness, negative feelings can not make a hokku. I learned that all those taboos are applied to omote (first six verses excluding a hokku) in modern times. This way people can write a renku when they are triggered to do so by the power of a particular poem that they encountered.
Hokku will be OUR hokku and I would like to hear from
everyone.
With a deep bow,
eiko
“I learned that all those taboos are applied to omote (first six verses excluding a hokku) . . . ”
ah! Thank you, Eiko. Through John, I had learnt that the hokku was exempt from certain restrictions which applied to other verses, but I had not understood well enough. Now I am much clearer about it, thanks to you.
That’s great! It certainly allows for much more of a variety of hokku in renku, and in the tone of a renku.
I didn’t think of translation being a factor in deciding whether or not the glass turtle would be ‘green’ or not. That was silly of me, but I’m really pleased you explained it. This is how I learn. 😉
Lorin
Ah, Ms Eiko,
I am most certainly not offended by the omission of one word! Rather, it humorously reminds me of my own fallibility. Thank you for the lesson!
I should withold comment on the verse submitted until others have a chance to “weigh in”. I will mention now it was initially a sub-conscious feeling I immediately seized on.
Ms Eiko,
You mentioned ‘omote’; do you mean, our “public face”, as opposed to, or in league with, ura, our privateness?
Front/back, inside/outside: yes, I “googled” the expression.
Hello,
Thanks to your comments.
Willie, omote means front/surface ura back/ reverse side.
What stuck me was the word privateness! I guess Japanese
people in the time of Basho or before did not have the
concept of privacy. Front/back, outside/inside.
Lorin, you might find the following interesting, even though
we most probably Not writing a shisan renku this time.
http://poetrywriting.org/Sketchbook4-6NovDec09/Sketchbook_4-6_NovDec_2009_Eiko_Yachimoto_tomegaki_A_zip_shisan_Things_to_do.htm
This time I will wait much longer for everyone’s comment on
our hokku.
sincerely,
eiko
Thank you for the link, Eiko. The part about translating EL verses into Japanese was very interesting! Debate still continues within the EL haiku community as to whether EL haiku without a strict syllable count is ‘free verse’ or not, so it is quite pertinent.
I do not envy the predicaments that translators find themselves in!
Beyond that point, all of the essay is valuable for us to read and learn a little more about renku and about y6our findings and conclusions.
lorin
Good Morning, renju friends,
I am happy to see all these offers; the sign that you have
accepted the hokku as ours.
Barbara, you are Not mistaken. I copy my word from the screen above:
” If you accept this as YOUR hokku, please write a waki
with a spring kigo.”
And there ARE a few waki offers including a spring kigo. To
those of you who forgot to do so, I say I used to forget it
all the time and felt why the inclusion of a kigo’s so important.
Here is a short list:
Lorin, thank you for reading the tomegaki. The funny thing is
I tend to enjoy this predicament! eiko
Good morning!
Dear Eiko,
spring melancholy
the green glass tortoise
in morning dew
Congrats Willie,
Lovely verse!
I did like this verse a lot! But again my ignorance, I thought it had two spring kigo words and maybe a hokku shouldn’t? 🙂
We learn each day!
namaskaram,
_kala
Umm, “spring melancholy” seems to me to be a clear contradiction, but to what end? The glass tortoise can’t be melancholy, and neither can the dew …
Sorry if I’m being thick.
Dear Eiko,
I apologize for my tardiness in commenting on the hokku choices – Mother’s Day! I’m quickly reading all that has been said. More input shortly.
Genevieve.
Seen from here in full spring with nature surgingS, nature ablaze with colours, with yellow blooming everywhere, the spring melancholy has an unfortunate mood… Green glass is pallid (to me), transluscent, almost unseen… A tortoise (so neat the ground) doesn’t elevate your soul.
As for the dew… dew in spring is tainted with bright colours, it shimmers in the sun, it sparkles on petals – so, well, I’am a bit stunned ! Rather dull to me, lacking juice… Well, I’m no specilaist for choosing this hokku. However, wondering where is thesubstnce in this green glass tortoise.
Really prefer the boatman’s song and thesound of water.
The choice lays in Eiko and the sabaji’s thought !
rising sun
dreaming awake with the
blackbirds’ sugared song
spring melancholy
the green glass tortoise
in morning dew (Willie)
I like Willie’s verse a lot.
My first choice was #7 – water ripples/beneath a boatman’s song – for its lovely sense of movement and momentum. For me it has a magnetism – pulling us all in and starting us on the forward journey of the renga and also nice connections between ‘boatman’ and sabaki, the one steering, and ‘song’, the song offered by us and chosen by the boatman.
But I agree that Willie’s verse is ‘truly independent and original’ and a fresh, strong image – and I’m sure melancholy can attach itself to any season.
On haiku.fr, we spoke of the *lunar calendar*, and… should I say that (?), the year really begins with spring ! An epiphany !
All my best to you all,
Thanks for all your votes for the boatman’s song.
It feels really good 🙂
But, in one way, I’m happy Eiko didn’t choose it because I wrote it with the spring moon in mind and Eiko had changed it to a summer moon, which to me – living in India is sort of a bright moon.
It seemed to spoil the whole effect for me.
I still remember the full pregnant Ganga and the serene ambience as I took that ride, a year back.
water ripples
beneath a boatman’s song . . .
hazy moon
Thanks again,
warmly,
_kala
dear sandra, kala, claire and gevevieve,
I appreciate your comments.
well, I hope you can take the glass tortoise as something
we are going to nurture feeding our verses so it grows
to its potential.
let us wait for ashley and barbara.
kala, a season’s name (spring in this case) is the strongest kigo and we don’t have to worry about “dew” which is listed as an autumn kigo. We all know dew exists in spring.
An example of three kigo haiku which is So popular from Edo period:
mini wakaba(5) yama hototogisu (7) hatsu gatsuo(5)
green leaves for eyes
mountain cockoos for ears
first bonito to eat
sincerely,
eiko
oh, excuse me, kala, but I thought you said India is already
in summer… Hokku is supposed to be in the season you are in….
From Daisan onward you can write from your memories….
sincerely,
eiko
ps. maybe I should not have said
“please look around and in you. ”
‘in you’ was misleading, wasn’ it? What I meant was
how you ARE feeling .
sincerely,
eiko
I understood you perfectly Eiko.
but I also know that not all hokku are from the present felt moment – many are written before and used as a hokku 🙂
There is no proof – we just have to take the poet’s word for it!
And I see no difference in writing in the present moment or submitting something that was written in the past, which was also the “present moment” then.
Just some thoughts that I thought I could exchange, because we go through the renku journey, time and again, with all these issues unresolved!
Thanks for your time,
warmly,
_kala
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew/ willie
footprints leading
beyond the menagerie
* Willie’s hokku put me in mind of the Tennessee Williams play, ‘The Glass Menagerie’.
g’day all
Here we have two kigos in the hokku. One is autumn.
I like this verse but wasn’t sure it was quite appropriate for opening. But you ask for us to comment and offer
a waki, so here are some offers:
spring melancholy
a glass tortoise
in morning dew
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway
~~
spring melancholy
a glass tortoise
in morning dew
bamboos rattle
speaking in tongues
~~
spring melancholy
a glass tortoise
in morning dew
between the mists
patches of softest green
~~
Peace and Love
I may understand Kala’s point regarding hokku; isn’t it true some might arrive at a renku party with a verse “in hand’, something prepared, compared, worked on and saved for just such an event? Maybe I’m just confusing things…
It’s two in the morning here, and I’ve just awakened; allow me to make this comment out of turn, please.
When I observed our green glass tortoise the other day, I considered the obvious lack of wildlife in an old city. Oh, it exists: one has only to look carefully.
I hear crows call at dawn before the noise of traffic begins, or hear the pigeons murmuring as they prepare to take their exercise from their billboard roosting place next door.
Sometimes rats emerge from the city sewer to play and hunt on the quiet streets late at night, while moths and insects abound beneath city streetlights.
Some call the populated city a dead place, not suitable for the heart of hokku composition, but we all work with what we have.
I commend the notice of my double kigo ( spring melancholy, morning dew) though I’ve read that to be successful in such a choice, one must be more powerful than the other to stand out and define a season or add depth to a poem.
I’d be interested to learn more of the origins of “spring melancholy”: I’m sure its roots are very deep. I think, perhaps, even today I can understand it.
Someone mentioned the color green as wit, and in retrospect, I agree that is a good observation! Not only that, I propose reference to a third kigo after further contemplation!
My haiku friend Hisashi from Kyoto recently wrote a verse describing Tortoises Crying; I believe this kigo’s origins to be 1000 years old, a fictional device from a long ago author, a time much further back than the age of this old city I live in.
I saw the tortoise’s face dripping with dewy tears, as though lamenting the season, or its own fate, and I found this image to be humorously ironic!
I’m really enjoying this discussion! I;ll be quiet now so others may join in-goodnight my renju friends!
whoops! I was going to respond to Kala but then changed my mind, went off and made a cup of tea, thought about Willie’s hokku and came back, but obviously I made a mistake and posted a potential waki there. Sorry, Eiko and All.
…re-posting it here, where it should be:
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew/ willie
footprints leading
beyond the menagerie
* Willie’s hokku put me in mind of the Tennessee Williams play, ‘The Glass Menagerie’.
Well, well, when we attend a renku session, we most likely
take trains. And we, renkujin, agree based on years’ expeirence that we can make a good hokku candidate in the train ride to a particular session.
As far as I know, hardly anyone brings in his/her favorite precious saved for many months, years? for the hokku purpose. Believe it or not, we do see the difference when that should in fact the case. (such a verse is called harami-ku and not respected for the renku purpose)
The idea is sharing. Sharing of the same day. (in our internet renku, not necessarily same day, but same period)
Sharing our existence in the same planet (almost) in the same time.
It is revolutionarily wonderful
to feel from each of you that the globe is circling and the axis
of the globe has that angle to generate each different season in varioust parts, all thanks to your presence and the space age technology we are living in. I maybe
naive, but I want to start all renku from sharing the same time. (not same season) Renku is a poem of time. And time
means life.
Willie, thank you for telling us the scene! Which city do you live?
I know you are fast asleep by now! good night,eiko
My offers for this slot,
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew/ willie
on trees, the birds
weaving their songs/ kala
***
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew/ willie
a birdsong echoes
the depth of silence/ kala
?
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew/ willie
it’s tortoises
all the way down
(not a serious submission 🙂 but it occurred as fitting with melancholy/ depression as much as with the ‘infinite regression’ it’s used to illustrate, and if one looked at a dewdrop reflecting a tortoise, there’s be many tortoise images…or that’s how dew or raindrops can reflect things sometimes, anyway.
…background:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turtles_all_the_way_down
well, that’s not something I’ve seen, obviously, but the idea/ inspiration occurred to me ‘right now’…about 20 seconds ago.
…and melancholy/depression is circular, is it not?
I have had my periods of melancholy. . . long ones.
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew/ willie
over the fence
flick of a rat’s tail
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew/ willie
the rat-catcher’s
tuneless whistle
or, if it’s not done to have another animal in the waki
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew/ willie
the window-cleaner’s
tuneless whistle
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew/ willie
slowly, slowly
my tea cools
*Ref the first 2 offerings – anyone care to guess what’s going in my backyard at the moment? Ha, but ugh!
“Anyone care to guess what’s going in my backyard at the moment?
Sandra, you need a good girl-cat 🙂 They’re the best rat-catchers. The males are usually lovers and fighters, or just big eaters.
lorin
…and after my old lady girl-cat died, in 2008:
longest night –
a rat drags my soap cake
down the hall
…but I actually formed a bond with that rat (in the end) and learnt a bit about rats. I can tell stories about it! So glad it didn’t choose to nest at my place, though.
g’day all
Eiko, you say:
“If you accept this as YOUR hokku, please write a waki
with a spring kigo.”
I am not sure I follow this. I usually have written waki as a linking verse in the same season but not necessarily with a kigo word, so this was new to me.
Apologies, green is already in hokku, so here is
another replacement offer:
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
haunting screeches soar
between the mists
~~~
Here I have, as in my previous offers, aimed to use a
spring kigo word. But noone else has, so I must be misunderstanding somethings.
Here’s my spontaneous reaction to this hokku:
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
one cup is empty
and the other, overflows
~~
Peace and Love
Hi Eiko, I’m happy with Willie’s! It’s a beautiful image and I like the contrast of ‘green’ with ‘melancholy.’
Here’s one try from me:
spring melancholy
the green glass tortoise
in morning dew (Willie)
opening the blinds
I find rosemary on the sill
Hmm… might be a bit long, will try come back soon and put in another idea!
spring melancholy
the green glass tortoise
in morning dew (Willie)
new shoots unfurling
bit by bit
spring melancholy
the green glass tortoise
in morning dew (Willie)
one slow shoot curls
around my finger
a revised version …
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew/ willie
a birdsong reveals the depth
of silence / _kala
a revised version …
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew/ willie
a birdsong reveals
the silence / _kala
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew/ willie
down the empty street
a single bell tolls
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew/ willie
far from home
a currawong’s cry
Pied Currawong:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strepera_graculina
Eiko has a post in the wordpress system, but it won’t show up for some reason, something is wrong with the website I think, but I will repost if it doesn’t appear soon
Thanks, Ashley.
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew/ willie
the news photos
show another beached whale
False alarm! Sorry – found it, it’s a reply to one of yours up the list, Lorin, sorry everyone!
Good Morning, renju friends,
I am happy to see all these offers; the sign that you have
accepted the hokku as ours.
Barbara, you are Not mistaken. I copy my word from the screen above:
” If you accept this as YOUR hokku, please write a waki
with a spring kigo.”
And there ARE a few waki offers including a spring kigo. To
those of you who forgot to do so, I say I used to forget it
all the time and felt why the inclusion of a kigo’s so important.
Here is a short list:
1.
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
one slow shoots curls
around my finger
2
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
*wafting on balmy wind
window-cleaner’s whistle
3
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
across from a muddy aisle
the scent of wild rose
4
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway
5
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
*willow leaves rustle
beyond the menagerie
6
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
on trees, the birds
weaving their songs
7
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
*blooming rosemary
on the neighbor’s windowsill
*I am having a problem using this narrow window! I wanted to put a mark
on those offer that I tweaked to add a kigo, but I can not go back!
*Ashley, a hokku/waki pair is supposed to be in the same place, at the same time
I assume the protagonist is already outdoor.
Please let me know which number is your favorite. When I count the vote, I count
the one you chose as the best. But please feel free to talk about all offers.
thanking you,
eiko
Hi Eiko! I can help with the going back – I can add you as a moderator and you will be able to edit your posts.
And thanks for the reminder too re: waki, I should have been paying better attention there 🙂 But I love your re-write, much better than mine!
My favs are 1&4!
Will put stars in now re: the edits
g’day Eiko, all
Thanks for helping me out.
This selection has beautiful verses and combinations. Lovely to read them all.
Because I feel sad by the hokku I must give my vote to
#6. It shifts us to joy from melancholy, the firm linkwith nature wherein we are the birds, here to tell our story…
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
on trees, the birds
weaving their songs
~~
Peace and Love
Hello Eiko,
I like #4:
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway
it’s a beautiful image of the coiled fern fronds framing the path – and perhaps can also echo a certain swaying in the gait of the tortoise – and in the word ‘fiddle’, brings music in. Could we be the ‘fiddlers’?
o, I had read your note to Barbara (repeated here above your selections) , Eiko and went away to look up kigo, have breakfast and write a few offers which included kigo. Looks like I missed the deadline. Never mind.
I like the shoot curling round the finger, ‘shoot’ seems a natural sort of kigo that’d be common in many parts of the world, and Spring is the ‘quickening’, in both senses of the word:
#1
one slow shoots curls
around my finger
I imagine a pea shoot, that fresh, bright green, and someone gone out to check on his climbing peas. I’m not sure about ‘slow’ shoot, though … 🙂 the shoots of climbing plants such as peas are quick compared with other shoots, and to glass tortoises, but slow compared to human or animal movement. The unmoving tortoise and the rapid growth of Spring shoots is a nice contrast.
a pea shoot curls ?
I also like:
#3
across from a muddy aisle
the scent of wild rose
…yet ‘aisle’ takes me indoors, perhaps to a church. Perhaps it’s meant to?
…also,
#4:
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway
…again, like the shoots ku, an echo of the tortoise’s green in a living thing and the contrast of moving/ life with unmoving, art.
So those would be my choices, in that order.
Lorin
May I “think out loud” here?
Oh, first you asked what city do I live in, Ms Eiko:
St. Paul, Minnesota, USA, the state capital. Minneapolis adjoining is much more well known. The two together are known as the Twin Cities.
St. Paul is the northernmost port on the Mississippi River for riverboats and barges, and was once also a railroad hub. It owed its early success and growth to being a transportation point for the breadbasket of the central US.
harvest moon
halcyon days
in river town
My first thought is of verse length, then prosody, then applicability to hokku:
#1
one slow shoot curls
around my finger
a strong declaration, simply worded
# 2
I may like this image most of all, yet find the grammar a little odd, and yet, rearranged, it is still 14 syllables:
the window cleaner’s whistle
wafting on a balmy breeze
#3
across the muddy aisle
scent of wild rose
I changed this slightly so it made more sense to me.
#5
willow leaves rustle
beyond the menagerie
I wasn’t sure of ‘rustle’, but now I like the ambiguity of perception of something commonplace that could be surreal. Perhaps now this is my first choice…
#6
May I suggest, please
the birds weaving song
in the trees
this version may be so succinct, it could possibly use an adjective for the trees
Wow, wow, Willie! isn’t your Mom’s name Anne?
if you visit the web page Lorin recommended, you will see
why I am shouting like this.
thank you for helping my English. I count on everyone for the help.
thank you also for your thinking “loud” and clear.
eiko
Wow!
So many responses.
Eiko, you have to give me time, it’s just 7 am in the morning for me, just got up!
I’ll get back soon,
_kala
#3
across from a muddy aisle
the scent of wild rose/ Eiko
across the muddy aisle
scent of wild rose – W’s variation
That’s interesting, Willie, but you may be right.
English prepositional idioms are hard, and also vary from region to region!
…I ‘m not keen on your leaving out the article in L2, though Willie. Tonto rides again 😉
Eiko, ‘across from…’ shows the place where the scent of wild is (as in ‘Across from the Town Hall is the Post Office.’) whilst ‘across …’ shows that the scent moves across the aisle. eg “Across the muddy aisle (comes) the scent of wild roses’.
I still think of ‘muddy’ being outdoors, rather than indoors.
along the/ this muddy lane
the scent of wild roses
?
?
Might I be missing something?
Do you refer to the surname Sorlien, of which there are very few? My mother’s first name was Ceclia, middle name …Anne? Haven’t seen her for 50 years…a long story.
Oops-I thought of it, Lorin, though I thought sensei left it out, too.
And don’t worry Kala-these responses all just came in a rush-and I’m afraid I murdered your verse, using our local pattern of speech.
surname? I meant married name, Ms Eiko.
across the muddy aisle
scent of wild rose
Even I felt ‘from’ was redundant, Willie.
This verse would be my first choice.
Eiko, isn’t rose a summer season word?
Is ‘muddy’ a spring word, and so this was chosen?
Confused . . . 🙂
**
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway
this would be my #2
_kala
Hi the renku world !
Yes, this is definitely a beautiful verse. This melancholy gives a slow rythm to the verse… The heart of the verse and inside the life with the turtle,
spring melancoly
a green glass turtoise
on morning dew
a drop quivers at the tip
of an unfurling lilac’s leave
or
spring melancholy
a green glass turtoise
on morning dew
the lamb gently sucks
the ewe’s full teats
or
spring melancoly
a green glass turtle
on morning dew
murmurs of the sap – the eagle
glides over the corrie
? better like that :
the eagle glides over
the corrie – the sap’s murmurs
Please, how many are-we allowed to ? Do we have to stay in spring ?
Thanks…
Hi, Claire,
Let me choose one . Your submission came
a little later than expected, but not too late.
a drop quivers
at the tip of lilac
Everyone this has got the number 8. Claire, we are writing
a short verse now, so I have to shorten your offer…
Willie,
Sorry to get excited. St. Paul did it. I have a lot of fond memories on your old city. Willie happens to be the name
of Anne’s son who must be twenty three this year.
I am leaving to see my friend and will get back three hours
or so later.
sincerely,
eiko
I was too late to submit some verses with kigo, after I’d read the post re kigo, which I’d misunderstood in the original mention, looked up possible Spring kigo, had breakfast and written one attempt which I was about to post when I discovered that the selections had already been made this morning, yet Claire, two hours later, was *not* too late?
I must say I’m having difficulty working out the time frame for submissions in this renku.
I’ll be back in the morning again to check what’s happening, but I have commitments for the day and may not have time before I leave to even try to jot something off for the next verse, which is disappointing.
Lorin
Oh, dear lorin, don’t be disappointed. Claire hasn’t
submitted anything and that was why I extended
the time. The reason why I said Not too late is because I did make a short list but I have not yet
selected a waki.
The last thing I want to do is to disappoint you by
the time frame for submission.
Everyone,
When you are going to submit additional offer(s) later,
please warn me. When one takes part in a sit in session
it is often the case that a sabaki makes decision even
before you turn in any of your candidate verse. It is all because the session becomes alive with the momentum.
Since we are not meeting in person, to
breathe in a communal tempo is not easy, some difficulty arises inevitably.
Let us
find a nice balance between gaining momentum and
including all offers for assessment!
Since we have not talked about this , I won’t make a decision on which to become the waki for our hokku for the next 24 hours from now. Those of you who would
like to replace the one edited by me with your offer including a spring kigo picked up by you, please send
it to me.
Sandra, thank you for dropping me a line. That really helps.
With a bow,
eiko
*if you have some time to spare, read the new chapter
of my Hisajo series which has just become on line, will you please?
Sketchbook_5-2_MarApr_2010_Eiko_Yachimoto_Chapter_6_Hisajo’s_haiku_at_the_second_peak_of_her_creativity
Thank you, Eiko, for shortening this ku. I thought I had read on John Carley ‘s “reckoner”, “the waki is 7/7”.
As the waki has to be short… why not ?
*
blooming rosemary
on the window sill
*
Well, you’re right Eiko-san, St. Paul is, in essence, a small town. I used to recognize people where ever I went.
Although I’m a little past 23!
Sorry, I simply won’t get back to this today – taxi driver to a violin lesson NOW, back to be chief cook and bottlewasher, then off to a committee meeting.
The choice will be a nice surprise.
g’day Willie,
I’d love to hear your comments on #4?
peace and love
I wouldn’t change it, Barb, though I suppose a Yank would just say “path”, and I ‘spose I prefer that rhythm.
The two verses I find most applicable to hokku reference glass-The window cleaner and the menagerie. I wonder if window cleaner is too long and is there another choice for the action in menagerie.
Of course, some of the stuff I conjure is really out of “left field” sometimes-lots of folks find it inappropriate, unintelligible even…
“It’s my environment, Officer Krupke!”
West Side Story
I gotta go catch me a greased pig (dollars!$$)
Hello Willy,
The green glass turtoise stunned me because… it is equal to “une tortue de verre vert” (verre(glass) and vert (green) have the same pronunciation in my language ; still better, une tortue et un ver de terre (earthworm) en verre vert ! However, yes there is some melancoly at the beginning of spring when the air is somewhat mild and trees… black, yet…
Good luck for your greased pig. Don’t blood it… poor thing !!!
# 2
I may like this image most of all, yet find the grammar a little odd, and yet, rearranged, it is still 14 syllables:
the window cleaner’s whistle
wafting on a balmy breeze
May I suggest:
spring melancholy
the green glass tortoise
in morning dew
the postman’s whistle
on a fresh breeze
This rewrite does remove the glass link, but I think it still does okay.
spring melancholy
the green glass tortoise
in morning dew
the gardener’s whistle
on a fresh breeze
Just a thought or two.
Hi Eiko,
No, I don’t want to submit any more offers for the waka position : I accepted that it was too late when I saw you’d made selections, and that was fine. But I’d assumed that it would be too late for anybody to submit after that time.
I had somehow missed that you wanted kigo in the waka, and only understood when I read your reply to Barbara (or was or Genevieve?) yesterday morning. That is the reason I would’ve submitted further verses, had it not been too late: my prior submissions were invalid, as they contained no kigo.
I was concerned yesterday afternoon that you would’ve made your selection for the waki sometime last night and I wouldn’t have time to write anything to offer for the third verse between this morning and this evening, and this would’ve made it two consecutive verses I’d missed…the first because of a misunderstanding (no kigo in my subs) the second because I wouldn’t have had time to submit anything at all before the next selections were made.
Thank you for extending the time, though it was the ‘workable’ time between ‘call for submissions’ and ‘1st selections’ I was concerned about.
Will be back tonight, and looking forward to reading about your final selection for the waka. 😉
lorin
Hi Lorin,
I spent part of last night reading and trying to understand how zekku worked on John’ s “exercise page. I haven’t read any finished zekku yet ! I just feel as if I had stolen your place ! Which is untrue as I never copied anybody’ writing on the kasen.
I posted my three right after in the night. How could I know what time it was all around the world ? These were the onlu three submissions I did ! I do think I didn’t take much place !
Are-we in the army or the world football cup ?
Pleasure of writing and humility, first
Claire
PS : Should a deadline be necessary ?
It’s 01 : 11 pm and now, go to slee p….. kana ya !
Hi Claire, no, nothing to do with you ‘having stolen my place’! You haven’t. How could you? That’s clearly a misinterpretation on your part.
As to ‘deadline’, I would appreciate a guideline of some sort as to when selections might be made. As you say, it is different times all around the world and we all probably have different sleeping, waking, working and free times, even if we were all in the same time zone (which we’re not)
I do appreciate Eiko’s understanding that it’s a balance between keeping a momentum going and allowing people in all time zones to read and participate. I want to co-operate as much as possible!
7:45 pm here, Weds. 12th, and it’s dinner, then sleep for me until the morning.
cheers to all,
Lorin
Sorry, Lorin… When I opened the zekku page, it just appeared as a beehive to me ! And not knowing about time here and there, I just wondered what. Just remember, there was a one day, one night, and part of another day flight to Sydney bck to 2000 Olympics !
Down Under is far below ! And a whole week for letters from my penpal in Bli Bli, cheers too… Cl
sandra, how about:
#2
window cleaner’s whistle
on a soft breeze
reason: I am afraid ‘fresh’ is an autumn kigo.
window/glass like is too nice to discard.
claire,
I do not like the word ‘deadline’ either. However
renku is an art of time and momentum and I would appreciate
if you keep your eye to the development as if you keep an eye
to your stew pot on the fire.
lorin,
thank you for clarifying your concern. That is kind of you.
eiko
woops, sandra, what I meant was “links”, not “like”! sorry
Thank you, Eiko, that is a better version. I didn’t consult a sajiki, guessed that “fresh” was spring – badly, as it turned out. 🙂 Sorry about that.
It’s nice of you to take the time with my verse.
I didn’t particularly care for “balmy breeze” because it’s part of a well-known lyric to an old pop song here and when I hear those two words together in my head it always, but always, brings that song to mind (if not to my lips). Oddly enough, it’s a song about a weather forecast (and was a big hit and still gets played a lot)!
Best wishes,
Sandra
Yes, Eiko, I’ll try my best to keep in touch with what is going on. Stewy pot story ? Japanese and French cookers are now working together…
Hi,my renju friends,
Let us now proceed.
Koyomi: Spring Melancholy
led by eiko yachimoto
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew willie
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway barbara
春愁やガラスの亀に朝の露
小径を行けば揺れる早蕨
＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝
If we were composing a tan-renga consisting of two verses,
I might have chosen one with glass connection. For a longer
form, waki functions as waki (=sub), meaning to flank the hokku quietly. With minor changes in prosody, these two make a nice tanka (also refered as waka).
春愁のガラスの亀は露にぬれ朝の小径に揺れる早蕨
shunju no (5) garasu no kame wa (7)tsuyu ni nure(5)
asa no komichi ni (7) yureru sawarabi(7)
As Barbara wrote, the collection of all waki candidates
Is a poem by itself. Let us save all the images in our hearts.
============
I have decided to compose a Koyomi, for the first time even
for me! This was invented by Prof. Sugiura of Hokkaido
Education College. It consists of omote (front) and ura (back)
six plus six. We are to observe the kasen tradition in omote:
be formal, mild and general. In ura we are free to write
about love, war, specific names etc. A moon verse is at
the fifth posiition of omote and a blossom verse is at the fifth
in ura.
============
Please write your offer(s) for Dai3 (the third verse).
Make it a no season verse. Dai3 is crucial for our imaginary
tour of renku. The hokku sets up a theater, and a waki (not waka) can be compared to a stage. In Dai3 a performer finally appears.
Try to open the window in your brain, it is also called
a break-away verse with the emphasis on the shift.
Yet be aware that we Are in omote.
I am hoping to complete this Koyomi in a week or so:–)
before my another deadline approaches…
With great expectations.
eiko
ps. Willie and Barbara, please feel free to send your offers.
Do train your renku muscles:–. Chances are I take the one
offered by those whose verse are not yet taken.
Congrats Barbara 🙂
beautiful verse . . .
_kala
Why are my comments not showing up on top Ashley?
Something wrong?
_kala
Not sure why it blocked that one – it’s a lovely comment! Got it now 🙂
Well it did this time!!
Congrats Barbara!
Lovely . . .
_kala
G’day Y’all,
(hee-hee-blending greetings from N and S hemispheres)
I have but one offer, a day old; I just slept sixteen hours.
I think I have the “greased pig” flu-Ha!
Nice one, Barb! I realized an emerging fiddlehead fern can resemble a turtle’s head, too.
east to west
each day she shows me
a different face
On my mark…submitting at 7:22 am
Congratulations Barbara, it’s a lovely ku.
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (Willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (Barbara)
arpeggios flying –
her fingers precise
on the strings
or
her fingers precise
on the strings –
arpeggios flying
Good Morning, dear renju, (7am)
So far I received two candidates, (good ones), but
let me add some more out of those verses you
wrote for hokku or waki.
(candidates for Dai3)
from the bluer sky
the words he can’t find
falling as shower (lorin)*
red front door
of their first home pushed
together with smiles (sandra)*
from nowhere
a tuneless whistle floating
to a classroom (sandra)*
in the cinema
the cow on the road
peacefully resting (claire)
Barbara, your zebra crossing verse will make a nice
Dai3, I am sure. I just can’t picture the “shared umbrellas
streak”??? Could you try ?
===
and here is my offer;-)
a pianist’s ring finger
new pink skin will close
the knife-scar soon
some notes:
Our hokku is a first-person verse. In this uchikoshi position
we had better avoid first-person verses.
genevieve,
There should be no cut in all verses except the hokku and
I understand the punctuation: — ,in English haiku is taken
as a simbol of cut. Your offer is perfect without -.
Kengin, as Mr. Takiguchi of WHC used to say to me.
(I think kengin means “please enjoy writing more)
eiko
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew /willie
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway /Barbara
a different drum
but who will pay
the piper?
Hi everyone! Here’s two, one trying to play off the word ‘pathway’ and other off ‘sway’
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (Willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (Barbara)
dipping the oars
between flotsam
in the harbour
–
strange, thumping dance
from the engine
car trouble
ok, that might be classed as a ‘first person’ verse, if the hokku is, so I’m changing it to an explicitly third person verse :
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew /willie
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway /Barbara
she hears
a different drum but who
will pay the piper?
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew /willie
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway /Barbara
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker exceeds
the speed limit
or:
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew /willie
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway /Barbara
in the groove
with our jitterbug classes
and all that jazz
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew /willie
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway /Barbara
shoulder to shoulder
on the down escalator
the night commuters
or, if ‘night’ commits kannonbiraki with Willie’s ‘morning’:
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew /willie
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway /Barbara
shoulder to shoulder
on the down escalator
the commuters
A revision for my daisan candidate:
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew / willie
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway / barbara
east to west
each day revealing
a different face
Hello Eiko and the world !
fiddleheads dancing ?
Good idea, Barbara (love Sarasate)
spring melancholy
the green glass turtoise
in morning dew
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway
pink tuttu white tuttu
the ballerina’s
step dance
or
organdie crown
what was grief
is being drown
or
a bumble bee
flies away settles flies
cosmoses in the breeze
or
swiftly on the keyboard
and back little
Pink Panther’s fingers
or
back and forth
they push they pull
the wheelbarrow
Sorry, Eiko, I don’t understand what you mean with “six to six”… And, a blossom verse is at the fifth in ura… Again, it escapes me,
Can the protagonist in the dai verse be some”thing” else than a human ? Questions, questions…
Hi, Claire,
We are composing a Koyomi, which is a name for
12 verse renku consisting of two folios: front folio (omote)
and reverse folio (ura).
Don’t worry about the form though. I will explain
what is expected for each position.
thank you,
eiko
Thank you Eiko, I will keep the cuts in check.
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (Willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (Barbara)
a red feather on the
cellist’s hat answers
each stroke of her bow
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (Barbara)
high on the
mountain trail
she loses her footing
*
high on a mountain
trail clouds part and
she sees the summit
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew /w
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway /b
making the time
to wind
her father’s watch
the music
of the tea-seller’s
little bowls
coming with the tea
a verse or two
of an old favourite
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew /willie
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway /Barbara
curled in its box
a brand new stock-whip
for her son’s birthday
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew / willie
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway / barbara
to the strains of a violin
an old man
in his own gait
after the rains
our city stands
on liquid shadows
My offers, Eiko.
But after two verses outside, you might need an indoor scene, perhaps?
_kala
g’day Eiko, all
My power (electricity) has just come on….sorry to be late in responding.
Thank you for selecting my verse, and thanks all for comments.
Here are some offers for dai but understand that others will have priority:
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway / barbara
on the hammock
gazing
into space
~
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway / barbara
morning rush
shared umbrellas crowd
the zebra crossing
~
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway / barbara
at rainbow’s end
a signpost with directions
to the treasure
~
Peace and Love
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew /willie
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway /Barbara
at the observatory
the music
of a spiral galaxy
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew /willie
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway /Barbara
curled in its box
a brand new stock-whip
from his father
or
curled in its box
a brand new stock-whip
from the home country
Koyomi: Spring Melancholy
led by eiko yachimoto
#1
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit
*does a timber jinker mean a person who cuts timber?
is the image of annual rings of trees in here?
#2
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
pink tutu, white tutu
a ballerina
stepping, dancing
#3
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
for visitors
the observatory plays
music of a galaxy
============
A giant thank you to everyone.
kala, for reminding me of indoor/outdoor distinction.
barbara, for such a rainbow-colored verse
lorin, for abundant offers
willie, for “revealing, repeat, =ing.
genevieve, for daity images that I am attracted to.
sandra, for the contribution of winding image
ashley, for my favorite sound of seawater (except for
floating debris…)
I would like to hear your preference about the short list above.
And the yardstick I used is the shift, the shift from
melancholy. I avoided the verse that might/could have be born from the same basket, if there were such. And yet
I wanted a little bit of link…
sincerely yours,
eiko
Hmm, a difficult decision-
‘Timber’ *would* be interesting with growth rings implied;
if one exchanged articles would it seem less long?
Or L3 : ‘ to the limit’
or L1: ‘at the hairpin turn’
Here:
at the hairpin turn
the timber jinker slows
to the limit
(I think he’s a trucker with a dangerous, shifting load of fresh logs)
#2 may represent omote, ura: “enchanting” , lifts up the mood from the subtle ‘fiddleheads’.
#3 This verse may be the compromise between the other two offers; hard and soft, light and dark. ‘”the” galaxy ‘
indicates endless possibility.
( Susumu sensei’s birthday today)
the music of the tea seller’s little bowls
caught my fancy, made me quietly exclaim, though I see it is only eleven syllables
Yes, sandra let me hear the hand-bell like music… eiko
Hi Eiko,
“*does a timber jinker mean a person who cuts timber?
is the image of annual rings of trees in here?”
The jinker is a type of trailer that felled logs are loaded onto , to be transported to the mill. It is separable from the cab of the truck (UK Eng, lorry?) Here are two photos I’ve found for you, the first showing an oxen-drawn jinker (from the old days) and the second two truck-drawn jinkers:
Yes, Willie, a load of logs on the jinker, though we wouldn’t call the driver a ‘jinker’ but a log-hauler.
‘turn’ ? ok, thanks for translating ‘bend’ into US English, but I prefer the AUS Eng, as it reads and sounds more natural to my ear. (At least you didn’t suggest ‘bobby pin turn’! 😉 )
To me, shortening ‘speed limit’ to just ‘limit’ sounds strange, but as well, without the qualifier (‘speed’) is there enough information to show what kind of limit is being exceeded? These haulers have been known to exceed the loading limit now and then.
Yes, Eiko, the cut ends of the logs show the annual circles down to the ‘moon’ of the heartwood, and a ‘hairpin bend’ on a mountain / hilly road often winds around like the spiral of a fern frond which is yet to unfurl.
Lorin
Right you are-I thought perhaps bend was common to AUS speak.
I figured: slows-speed limit
slows- limit
It’s the speech thing for me, rhythmically in league with the preceding verses. Some folks say create a pause.
I don’t know for sure whats right or wrong at this juncture of the poem.
Damn right that sumbitch is overloaded-time is money!
Them ol’ logging roads are pretty “hairy”, too.
Thanks for the explanation.
hmmm… my comment, which I’ve just posted is ‘awaiting moderation’. I think it’s because I included links to two photos of timber jinkers.
Interesting, though, because it seemed to me that, of my offers, this one had the most chance:
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway /Barbara
shoulder to shoulder
on the down escalator
the commuters
…since the setting is changed from Barbara’s outdoor to the ‘indoor’ of a subway, the escalator is a ‘moving pathway’, and the commuters, in contrast to the swaying ferns, are packed so tight that there’s no room for the freedom of movement of swaying (even if some of them had been drinking) Also because the scene is changed to city from rural and introduces a crowd of people, who are involved in the communal workaday world, rather than the solitary contemplation/ observations of verses #1 and #2.
lorin
Thanks, Eiko!
I’m leaning toward #1 – it shifts things right into a human action and introduces a hint of tension with the hairpin.
ah, posting at same time as you, Ashley.
Thanks!
…and thanks for clearing my previous post with the two links in it…I must remember to only post one in any one post! Sorry about that.
lorin
No problems, Lorin! I’m usually around to try and clear our the spam traps a few times a day 🙂
… it could also be written in reverse, with the subject first:
commuters
shoulder to shoulder
on the down escalator
Hello Eiko,
Of the three I also lean towards #1.
Genevieve.
g’day all
I favour #3
for visitors
the observatory plays
music of a galaxy
It’s a joyful start for the journey….
Peace and Love
Koyomi: spring melancholy
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
======================
good Friday morning, my dear renju,
Let me choose lorin’s timber verse for our dai3.
Daisan is supposed to be descent(or dignified), open-minded and energetic in the long tradition of kasen composition.
(lorin, I understand your analysis of the subway scene, but
preferred the smell of timber.)
(kala, indoor/outdoor switch is a nice hint so we can break away from the hokku/waki pair, but it is not an adamant rule)
In fact I fell in love with the black and white picture of
a timber-jinker driven by cows! thank you lorin, for finding the picture from the web. The modern one
I can imagine from my driving on Minnesota highways. (lorin, the web-page can’t be opened, but never mind).
As Ashley wrote, we are away from melancholy and into the world of business, civilization and laws, which still Is connected to nature, the world of fiddleheads.
Those of you who wanted to vote for this position, please
accept my apology for giving priority to momentum this time.
*Now please send your candidates for verse four.
Verse four is a no season SHORT verse and is supposed to be light.
It ushers in our glorious moon at the fifth position.
Kengin!
eiko
woops, Barbara,
Your post must have come while I was writing my post!
To tell you the truth I had such a hard time making a decision between the timber verse and the galaxy verse.
But I convinced myself like this:
Lorin’s original version Is more precious than the one
tweaked by this sabaki.
Your understanding helps…
eiko
Thank you, Eiko. I’m really pleased you liked the timber-jinker one. I’m from timber country, in East Gippsland, here in Victoria, so it is actually my personal favourite of my offers. The reason why those roads have so many hairpin bends is that when making the roads they followed the old bullock trails! Very winding indeed 🙂
I’m not sure why the web page of the truck-plus-jinkers photo won’t open for you. I was going to find it and try again, but the link above still opens for me.
…and thank you Ashley and Genevieve for approving of this one, too.
lorin
lorin! this time it showed. such a giant vehicle! eiko
Congrats Lorin, I can hear him changing down.
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (B)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (l)
pinning up her hair
with a red red rose
(not sure if I can name another colour)
pinning up her hair
with a sprig of thyme
Jumping in quickly today!
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
–
nearly dry now
a breeze stirs my bedsheets
Hello,
With my “pink tuttu, white tuttu”, it was, of course, the same tuttu I wanted to quote, front and back – pink on one side, white on the reverse side. I just thought it would be well in accordance with the Barbara’s strings and of the same register, range.
Should-I have said :
pink and white tuttu
the ballerina
stepping, dancing
question of rythm (ballett is no gymnastics)
Well, I’m posting the koyomi on haiku.fr, so to have 575, Ploc!, and assunssolo’s views.
What about Kala’s “old man’s gait” ? Makes me think to “singing in the rain” and its music.
best wishes,
“Well, I’m posting the koyomi on haiku.fr, so to have 575, Ploc!, and assunssolo’s views.” – Claire
um, Claire… I don’t think you should be posting anything from here anywhere else on-line, including haiku.fr (apart from your own verses, of course) without Ashley’s and Eiko’s explicit permission, and also without the explicit permission of any person whose verse you might wish to post.
For one, I EXPLICITLY DO NOT give you permission to post any of my verses from this renku anywhere else.
Have some respect for the copyright of your fellow renkujin, as well as for the renku process , please.
Lorin
Sorry, I just saw the truck had been chosen ! What a gap… No wood left for Paganini !
Congratulations, Lorin
claire
Good morning!
So much has gone on while I slept away the hours . . .
Congrats Lorin,
Nice one!
_kala
Claire, thank you for clarifying a pink and white tutu:
that was really lovely. And kala’s offer does have a nice link
to our waki. We needed a shift for this break-away position, though.
Now please send your offer for the fourth position.
A short and light verse that ushers in a moon verse.
Lorin, this is just for discussing “haiku”, neither Serge Tome, Dominique Chipot (with Mrs Madoka Mayuzumi, and Mr Kemmotu), nor isabel Assunsolo (Liroli) would steal your work, nor I.
This is only, “the francophone haiku”, defending the Rights of the French language. Only two Belgians (Serge Tome and Marcel Peltier -Décantation du temps-). Not even a single Swiss French speaker.
Nobody else from the world – as you know, nobody learns/speaks French.
Believe that I have all respects for your coyrights.
No problem for your kus, I won’t post them!
Personnally, I don’t even have a blog…
Claire, I have a lot of respect for Serge Tome. Why don’t you have a private word with him, asking him his view about posting part or all of an unpublished renku without permission from the site owner, the sabaki or any of the renkujin involved?
Don’t bother addressing any further notes to me. It’s not my job to handle you, and I will not be personally responding to anything you do or say here or anywhere else from this time.
Lorin
” Nobody else from the world – as you know, nobody learns/speaks French. ” – Claire
John Carley speaks, reads and writes French, and he is taking an interest in this renku.
lorin
If I can, I will… This is Asension holy-day, long week-end, and family coming up from the Alps…
I hope so, anyway,
Rest on earth !
claire
Hello, kala ! Already here? Please, this is bed time !
Settle down there, Claire.
g’day Eiko, all
Congrats Lorin.
Herewith some offers for verse #4:
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
on a slippery slide
the time of our lives
~
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
on our toes, one
two, three…
~
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
from the offering
pungent scents of sandalwood
~
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
bright cushions ease
sharp bumps and jolts
~
Peace an Love
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
she’s wearing checks
to the policeman’s ball
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
let’s do the twist
at the policeman’s ball
hmmm – a first person verse – so perhaps this is better:
they’re doing the twist
at the policeman’s ball
no, perhaps first person is ok here – not sure:
let’s twist again
at the policeman’s ball
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
who’s doing the black
bottom at the dance?
genevieve,
Yes, either first person or third person will do here.
The point always is not to return, but to go forward:
This is why renku works as a great therapy as well.
Renku has taught me many many tips for having a rich and good human relationships, which we all appreciate in trodding our way through long years of life!
The previous verse (lorin’s jinker verse) is a third person verse
(well, the subject of the sentence is a truck, but we know
the driver does the action). We can repeat a third person verse, but we try Not Return to the uchikoshi verse (=barbara’s fiddlehead verse. we could call this as a verse on the place, but this categorization is not absolute. Safely speaking, no nature scene verse in this slot.)
Remember ji-ta-ba (first person/third person/place) for the fun of the sound.
eiko
Thank you, Eiko. I think what was confusing me was ‘uchikoshi’ – I looked it up and it said the verse before the maeku. I didn’t realise it could mean simply the verse two before. I do know about not making the link to the ku two before but I’m really only just learning the Japanese terms.
best wishes,
Genevieve.
Hi Genevieve,
John’s website, ‘Renku Reckoner’, is invaluable for people like me who are learning about renku.
http://www.renkureckoner.co.uk/
…for a good outline of ‘ukikoshi’ and more, check the ‘Link, Shift & Variety’ page.
Thanks Lorin.
another offer:
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
stopped at the top
of the ferris wheel
Hi,
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to speed limit (Lorin)
capturing sparkling honesties
in the doorway’s light
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
of cones on the fire
folding each piece
of the fan, just so
how the years pass
but your smile remains
Thank you Willie and Eiko for hearing the music of the tea-seller’s bowls.
In Beirut, where I lived for a little while, the coffee-sellers walk along the Corniche chinking their little bowls to advertise their ware (they had something like a tank on their backs that the coffee was poured from).
I transposed the image to tea (I’m not a coffee drinker) … but the music’s still the same.
Eiko, I am going to be absent from my computer for the weekend, so please excuse me for not participating over the next couple of days.
Bon voyage, team.
Sandra, almost mesmerized picturing and smelling
the scene in Beirut, thank you for sharing and have a very
nice weekend.
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to speed limit (Lorin)
the rescue lid
on the oil slick
maybe, better like that ; not sure at all,
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker
to speed limit (Lorin)
dropping a rescue lid
on the oil slick
Dear renju,
I have an idea. I would like to ask kala to write us
a moon verse, preferably a happy harvest moon, definitely of the autumn season.
Dear Kala,
I sincerely ask you to accept this invitation!
Now here is the short list for the 4th verse.
#1
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
nearly dry now
I take in my bedsheets*
(breeze/stir touches uchikoshi)
#2
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
bright cushions ease
sharp bumps and jolts (barbara)
(offering brings up religion, too early for omote)
#3
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
…stopped at the top
of the ferris wheel
#4
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
of cones on the fire
==============
Now, send to me your preference and thoughts, will you please?
I can’t go back to read this post from the beginning, but I
am sure all 4 above read exceptionally great.
Kala, I am curious which you find it Very difficult to link!
sincerely,
eiko
Sorry, Claire, we posted (is this the correct form of its past tense?) about the same time!.
Would you explain “a rescue lid” and “the oil slick”?
thanks in advance.
eiko
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker
to speed limit (lorin)
my plate of spaghetti
resting on a full rainbow
Bon voyage, Sandra
ps to everyone;
sandra’s cone is a kigo for autumn. Even though I asked
a no season verse, it really can be an autumn verse as well
because we are writing an autumn moon next.
if some accident scene is suggested in clarire’s offer,
then the offer is not appropriate for omote…
claire, don’t worry. Your verse will be taken later on for sure.
Wow! eiko,
This is going too fast, and I think my India time is just not working out.
I’m generally tied up in the mornings, I get time in the afternoon, and I just came to send in my offers – I’m late! 🙂
I have a painting class now, and will be back only be late evening, in case the voting is over please don’t bother to wait for me.
Just choose the 4th verse.
Thanks eiko, for giving me the blossom verse.
Most kind of you,
warmly,
_kala
eiko,
I mean the big lid placed (or not?) on the oil slick (was-it the term used?) off the coast of Louisiana to avoid damage to the ecosystem (really bad said, sorry, I just heard about it. Didn’t open the tv or read a newspaper…
I hope my pityful explanation can be of help !
snap, crackle and pop
of cones on the fire
I do like this verse.
There’s so much fire in here!
as to whether I’ll find it tough to link, I won’t be able to say now, Eiko, so please, just continue . . .
_kala
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
my bun criscrossed by
two cardinal point’s needles
Well, leaving now…
Sorry, Eiko, what does ushi… mean ?
Best to you all,
claire
Excuse me, Kala! Not the blossom verse, but the moon
verse coming up next, at the 5th position. Thank you for your accepting to write the MOON verse. We all know you are a great moon watcher.
Claire, don’t worry about uchikoshi. Just remember you go forward in renku. I liked your last offer most of all your offers. I am afraid to say that hairpin/bun link depends
only on one word. We strive for linking in total poetry of each verse. Thank you for trying this hard, though.
Sleep well for your wonderful holidays!
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
of cones on the fire
(sandra)
This would be my first choice of those offered. Though sound was implied in the previous verse (thanks, Genevieve, for putting yourself in the scenario …or recalling a similar one… and hearing that awful sound of brakes being applied on a loaded jinker!) , with ‘snap, crackle, pop’, sounds enter the renku overtly for the first time.
It is as though, if the logs had been pine, the observer of the timber jinker had collected pine-cones from the site of the felling, for their home fire or for a bush camp, perhaps the logging camp itself.
We go from the energy of the petrol-fuelled (gas, Willie 😉 ) vehicle carting logs to the energy of the pine cones as they burn and give off heat, light and sound.
Lorin
g’day Eiko
I too, like:
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
of cones on the fire
there’s energy and movement to take us forward.
Peace and Love
I love #2 & #4 – Barbara’s for it’s striking (implied) colour and Sandra’s for not just the sound – but the smell of smoke and pine. I was struck by that right away!
I’m back. . .
& waiting for Eiko to choose the 4th verse,
then yes, I go for the moon verse.
I was in a hurry in the afternoon 🙂 and called it the blossom verse!
_kala
Koyomi: spring melancholy led by ey
(omote)
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire * (sandra)
=======================
dear renju,
I really liked Ashley’s “almost dry” for the similarity in our brain’s conceiving each situation (slowing down process vs drying up process) but sandra’s offer is my choice, too.
In order to make it a third-person verse (barbara’s fiddlehead verse is ba, or a place verse and we had better write ji or ta)
七曲り丸太切り出し運ぶらん
松ぼっくり を投げる火の上
thank you, sandra, for this unanimously loved contribution!
dear kala,
would you send to me two or three candidates?
I confirm “moon” is an autumn kigo by itself.
Yet please write one candidate verse with “harvest moon”.
sincerely,
eiko
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew / willie
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway / barbara
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit / lorin
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire / sandra
whooping cranes
wing their dreams across
the harvest moon
***
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit / lorin
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire / sandra
swathed
by the harvest moon
a surfer rises with a wave
***
counting stars
we walk the harvest moon
up a hill path
It’s 11 pm for me – going to bed.
If these aren’t ok, then I’ll think of something tomorrow!
_kala
Maybe:
the whooping cranes
winging their dreams across
the harvest moon
?
_kala
Quite a beautiful creation, Sandra – the warmth of the open fireplace implying quietness with the sound of crackling embers. Old time mood!
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to speed limits (Lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire (Sandra)
in-between the balls of hay
they play hide and seek
in the moon’s circle
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire (Sandra)
beneath the sunshade
the first pumpkin and stew pot
harvest moon
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire (Sandra)
at the fair’s lottery
the O letter for Odile
is a harvest moon
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire
holding tight the horse tail
on the round-about
harvest moon
Hi Eiko,
is-it compulsory to have “harvest moon” written in this slot ?
Wondering, too, if omote can be positive and ura, negative ?
Thanks to you,
Midnight…
Now settle down there, missy.
Good morning!
Hi Claire,
Nice verses!
One more alteration:
swathed
by the harvest moon’s glow
a surfer rises with a wave
_kala
kala, let me think aloud:
as a haiku, “swathed by/ the harvest moon/a surfer rises with a waves” is sharp and wonderful, but a surfer is a summer kigo and is a very strong one…besides I wanted a serene moonlight…away from the motion scene at uchikoshi.
‘ crane arriving’ is an
autumn kigo…..with harvest moon in entry we don’t have to
worry about kigo issues… but the personification of a crane
is my concern.
hmmm I love a peaceful tone of the third offer,
yet in the sheen of the harvest moonlight, can we see so many stars…. does ‘walk the harvest moon’ mean t o follow/chase the moon?
Well, could you try a little more?
With a deep bow,
eiko
Thanks Eiko,
I’ll get back . . . 🙂
_kala
Interesting developments!
Well, nothing yet to comment or vote on. Perhaps I’ll look in again early tonight. Tomorrow, (Sunday) I have commitments with friends and family and on Monday I celebrate having been born and living this long. 😉
Just to share an old ‘harvest moon’ ku of mine with you all :
harvest moon
the sideshow alley clowns
open-mouthed
published – ‘Famous Reporter’, June 2007
photo of sideshow alley clowns:
lorin, wow, I enjoyed the photo and your haiku. thanks
Dear Eiko,
In the crane ku, I thought it was the personification of the crane which is the strong point here and a wonderful link to Sandra’s cone sounds. The “fire” in them to the fire in the belly (of the cranes)
So, to me the crane ku is not a personification because it is not easy to fly so many miles on wings, if they didn’t have their dreams to take this journey, thousands of miles across continents on mere feathers
I wish I understood why personification is so wrong when Japanese masters have done it again and again?
But I go by your verdict and with a smile 🙂
Of course I’m basing my argument on haiku, maybe renku has its own rules.
I’m pasting one mail from Susumu san, in which he has explained what anthropomorphism / persionification is all about
***
Dear Susumu,
If you have the time – can you help me out here?
Is this anthropomorphism?
waterfall…
do darting birds
tickle it?
Later he published it in the World Haiku Review 2008
***
Some anthropomorphism makes a particular haiku rather weak, gimmicky and even silly, in which case it is a failed case of anthropomorphism. In any situation, whatever works will do, whatever does not will not do.
waterfall…
do darting birds
tickle it?
I think this is a wonderful haiku. I would even go so far as:
waterfall…
tickled by
darting birds
‘Tickled’ is a feeling of the author and if the author feels that the birds tickle the waterfall, that is the poem and that is the haiku. For exactly the same reason, they are opposing to it, killing a good haiku by a silly rule. Which is more important, a rule or a good haiku?
Susumu
I wanted a serene moonlight…away from the motion scene at uchikoshi — eiko.
How about this Eiko:
This is a scene that is vivid in my mind after our Himalaya trip last year.
harvest moon
ín the gathering stillness
of mountain treetops
link – corn pops in all directions vs the gathering stillness.
– low vs high
if I can think of something I’ll post it.
_kala
dear kala, I could have caught your poetry if you had had free wings and could have written;
whooping cranes/ wing their dreams/ across seven oceans
I totally agree with you and Susumu: the poetry should win over a rule.
Thank you for writing an alternative offer. To avoid the uchikoshi of timber/treetops, I tweaked a little.
Let me know how you like the below, would you please?
Now Everyone, let me know how YOU read our renku so far.
I plan to finish our omote Very soon;–)
And in fact started thinking of the closing verse of omote
from all those beautiful offers of our precious renju: genevieve which
I have been keeping under my sleeve (as we say in Japan).
Let us have a family/friend/church weekend out in a breeze.
sincerely,
eiko
———————–
Koyomi: spring melancholy
led by ey
(omote)
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire * (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a prominent mountain
full moon rising* (kala)
in the gathering stillness
of a prominent mountain
full moon rising* (kala)
Oh! I never thought of treetops and timber!!
Thanks.
Instead of ‘prominent’ maybe:
in the gathering stillness
of a mountain slope
the rising full moon (kala)
Will this be ok with you?
_kala
o, I rather like ‘prominent mountain’. Without naming, it alludes to a large mountain which is a well-known landmark…can be seen from a distance… so it moves the ‘observer’ away from the site of the fire with the pine-cones to a different (distant) perspective.
in the gathering stillness
of a prominent mountain
full moon rising* (kala)
…another possible take on it, avoiding both ‘tonto’ in L3 and the ‘cut’ (kire) after ‘mountain’
in a prominent mountain’s
gathering stillness
the rising moon
Isn’t a hairpin bend also of a mountain?
_kala
No, though a hairpin bend might be found *on * a mountain, it might also be found eg on a coastal road, where there are cliffs and in other places.
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire * (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a prominent mountain
full moon rising* (kala)
his head reaches the correct
degree of inclination
(her head/ a head. . . bowing, the etiquette of respect, or awe)
How does this sound Eiko:
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire / sandra
swathed in moon glow
a catamaran
on the dark blue sea
_kala
…catamaran (or any yacht) might be associated more with Summer? So would ‘moon glow’ be strong enough to over-ride the Summer associations?
Eiko, if you aren’t happy with these verses, please give me some time.
I ‘m having my breakfast as I write this . . . I just got up two hours back!
Thanks a ton,
_kala
Well in India, we take out the catamaran on all seasons except during monsoons.
Catamaran is actually a Tamil word (my mother tongue) !!
_kala
There are many words in English that are ‘loan words’ from Indian words. ‘Verandah’ and ‘pyjamas’ are just two more which spring immediately to mind. 😉
…that should be ‘loan words from Indian language/s’
oh, kala, kala, I always dream of seeing the Himalayas!
let’s suggest the majestic Himalayas by “prominent”!
Or, Could you say, Yes to the below?
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon
Lorin is right, about your new offer…
a catamaran on the sea is the summer scene.
Moon always with us year-round, this offer is a summer verse.
with best wishes,
eiko
One more!!
in the open-air concert
the full moon
takes centre stage
if this is personification, then:
.
in the open-air concert
the rising moon
claims our attention
.
Thanks for being so patient Eiko!
_kala
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon
i like this Eiko!!
Great, now we have completed the 5th position!
Koyomi: spring melancholy
led by ey
(omote)
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire * (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon * (kala)
====
now, Genevieve, would you *grade the below for
the concluding 6th position:
#1 trail clouds part
as slowly dyed golden
#2 let’s begin the twist
at the policeman’s ball
#3 to each bow stroke
the cello gently tells me …
And please feel free to write from scratch if you so desires.
sincerely,
eiko
Hello all my renju friends,
Your sabaki would like to take an intermission
with the following text, not yet definitive.
Feel free to post your words when you can.
I will be seeing them next Monday.
humbly,
eiko
===========================
Koyomi: spring melancholy
started May 9, 2010
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire * (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
let’s begin the twist
at the policeman’s ball *(genevieve)
Dear Eiko,
Yes, I like the ‘policeman’s ball’ – but I am concerned that it links back to ‘speed limit’ in Lorin’s verse. If that is not anything to worry about then the verse is fine with me.
I rather like the ‘twist’ here – it could be seen as twisting around from the ‘front’ to look at the ‘back’, or to ‘welcome in’ the ‘back’.
Best wishes,
Genevieve.
The majestic mountain and along, the elevation of the soul (or, of the moon…here, a beautiful serene verse. Thanks for this moon verse…A very visual and resh ku, indeed.
The moon is not really present in the occidental world, however. The policeman’s ball… still moon verse.
As I had asked for the word “cirque” (Cirque de Gavarnie),
here is this corrie in the Pyrenees’ mountains :
http://www.parc-pyrenees.com
http://www.randonnée-passion.com/gavarnie.htm
bien à vous,
Claire
claire, I enjoyed the beautiful photos of the Pyrenees.
thank you. eiko
Hi Eiko and Genevieve,
It strikes me, too, that ‘twist’ harks back to the ‘hairpin bend’, and also if we take the ‘sway’ in the fiddleheads into account in relation to dancing (as many of us did, I think). 😉
Wouldn’t this be an instance of ‘ distant reincarnation’ (rinne or torinne) ?
…an oldie, but still being covered (English language version about halfway through) :
But of course it is not as cut & dried as that, and John has written about the issue at length, under the heading ‘Occurrence and Recurrence: variety and change in a renku sequence’:
http://www.renkureckoner.co.uk/
Good Monday Morning,
I had a relaxing Sunday with all my AIR friends.
Very unusually
(maybe the first time ever ) we did not compose any renku.
We spent half a day discussing issues such as hizaokuri vs degachi, authoritative “!” in renku, the role of sabaki, the purpose of renku based on our recent shisan text. We do have differences, but we all agreed on the preciousness of the form and the importance of
mutual respect.
Of course, we toasted with a glass of beer.
Now I read two comments indicating a concern on
the 6th verse I tentatively chose. I withdraw my proposal
to use genevieve’s verse which had been written for another slot.
My new plan is:
#6 written by eiko
ura, or second folio
#1 a love verse (n/s, summer or winter)
by degachi (everyone is asked to offer candidate(s))
#2 a love verse to follow (Claire)
#3 a religious verse (Genevieve)
#4 a verse on any possible topic
by degachi
#5 a blossom verse (Ashley)
#6 ageku (the last verse with the topic on animal/bird)
by degachi
===============================
Koyomi: spring melancholy
started May 9, 2010
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire * (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
king has seated and
a concert master nods (eiko)
===========================
Let me hear your words on my verse offer and on my proposal.
sincerely,
eiko
Hello Eiko,
This is a quite humble offer after the size of the mountain… So, I really enjoy your “ku King” coming right after the “mountain highlight”. Human size and human sized.
That the master nods after tne King’s sitting is a very resting scene, there is still the serenity of the mountain silence/scene,
Personnally, I like (but my native language is not English, so the judgment of all renju here can only better than mine) “has seated”(this is present to me, the (action of sitting, so with a big “K”) : “King implying that the concert master nods (in approval).
A good day to all of you, and a happy bithday to Lorin (special fruit dish ? A “charlotte” ? Second one has been my favourite since a long time!)
King has seated and
a master concert nods (Eiko)
8 :30, will be back towards and before six pm
bbye,
claire
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
king has seated and
a concert master nods (eiko)
Yes, this verse works very well, imo, Eiko.
May I suggest, for the English version:
the king is seated and
the concert master nods
or
the king is seated and
our concert master nods
or
our king is seated and
the concert master nods
This is because if we wanted past tense for ‘the king’ we would need to say either ‘the king has been seated’, (which isn’t quite right for a king) or ‘the king has seated himself’ which is probably too long.
ps… Your plan seems a good one, to me, Eiko.
Hi again Eiko, today is my birthday and it’s already 10:30am here, so I’ll make one quick offer now and hope to return later this afternoon or evening:
king has seated and
a concert master nods (eiko)
gazing into mine
Salome’s eyes
above the last veil
or
gazing into mine
the dancer’s eyes
above the last veil
or
gazing into mine
the stripper’s eyes
above the last veil
or any of these variations of ‘dancer’ in this form:
above the last veil
the private dancer’s eyes
gazing into mine
A Happy Birthday, Lorin, have a great day today.
Thank you for all your thoughts and verse offers!
eiko
Many thanks, Eiko! 🙂
(just popped back on to post a silly offer ;-))
(verse 6 of the first folio)
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
=================
I call the above the definitive. Would you ALL
send to me the candidate verses on the topic
of love?
thank you, lorin, for your invaluable support.
sincerely,
eiko
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
‘O Solo Mio-oooo’
my lover’s serenade
wakes the neighbour’s dog
Hello Eiko,
I am now in country NSW taking part in a five day art course – painting and drawing in a wool shed. Can’t get my computer to work so someone has brought one in for me – it will have to go back each night, so my responses might be a little slow, but I will try to keep a watch.
Sad to see the policeman go but I think he did have his feet in other verses.
Your plan seems fine.
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated
and the concert master nods (eiko)
she’s watching the pianist
his fingers sure
and gentle on the keys
(more verses coming)
Hello Eiko and all,
Back on board – would have posted earlier today but have spent all morning and some of the afternoon talking about and photographing trees! Very nice it has been too – one tree is known to date back to pre-European times and although is now in the middle of a housing area still retained its spirituality (and is obviously a good place to play truant judging by the three teenage girls in its arms).
Happy birthday Lorin, and many more to come.
If I may back up a little:
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown to the fire * (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
king has seated and
a concert master nods (eiko)
I’m so glad you like “snap, crackle and pop”.
I wonder if “cones thrown to the fire” is quite natural? I would be more likely to say “cones thrown on the fire”. One would throw a ball to another person, but one would not say that something had been thrown to a fire. I am happy to discuss further if you had a particular reason for using the word “to”.
I would like to raise the use of the word “majestic” in Karla’s verse. Aren’t all mountains majestic, or at least it can be taken as read that they are? Is using “majestic mountain” introducing a redundancy?
And yes, for the final verse in folio one, I agree with Lauren that to have it read naturally in English, we need to introduce an article:
the king takes his seat
as the concert-master nods
(which is in the present tense rather than the past)
the king is seated
and the concert-master nods
Best wishes,
Sandra
ps…thanks for your birthday greetings, Sandra.
…yikes, I’m getting somewhat long in the tooth!
I feel attracted to pre-European time tree living in residential area. In Japan you have to take a long-distance trip (usually)
to pay a visit to such a tree. eiko
Hello Eiko,
I’ll try to make a list of websites. Do you just wish trees or forests, parcs with trees ? There are probably more trees than humans, here. Or, castles with forests around.
Just let knowwhen you have time.
A nice day to everybody…
Claire
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
sheba shows
her hairy legs but
solomon’s still a goner!
the man named
for a hurricane gathers
my hand in his
thirty years later
and my heart’s
still doing flips
Great plan – I’m happy with that plan. And I like the shift from mountains to music.
Will try come back for a love verse soon!
Ashley
thirty years later
and my heart’s
still doing somersaults
just a quick note to sandra,
I have no particular reason to have used “to”,
it only reveals I am Not a native English speaker;–)
V 4 definitive text:
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown on the fire (sandra)
Very nice .
eiko
Hi Sandra & Eiko! I like ‘to’ it’s got a sense of abandon – you know, ‘thrown to the wind,’ or even ‘thrown to the dogs’ etc
But I see exactly what you’re saying, ‘on’ is more correct huh?
I have to say I like ‘to’ too – I think it keeps up the momentum of the snapping, crackling & popping, and adds a freshness. 🙂
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated
and the concert master nods (eiko)
the speed and grace
of the ballerinas pirouettes
catch him unawares
she’s in the third row
through his opera glasses
he can smell her perfume
whoops:
the speed and grace
of the ballerina’s pirouettes
catch him unawares
Eiko,
Lovely plan and I like your offer, but it did remind me of the moon taking the centre stage!
Good one Eiko!
I like Lorin’s edit, and even I feel ‘majestic’ is a telly word, is it needed here?
Maybe:
in the gathering stillness
of a tall mountain
the rising full moon
If this is ok?
If not, we can keep the original,
_kala
Kala, your rising moon is great… Because it is just going to engulf the mountain… which is so big !!!
A treat of a “full moon verse !”
…either ‘prominent’ or ‘majestic’ would work with Eiko’s ‘king’ verse, imo, Kala.
Naaa!
I guess all mountains are tall !
_kala
kala, let’s keep the original. and yes, the moon is on the center stage governing the hush.
sandra, I will review the appropriateness of the adjective
when I examine all 12 verses at the very end
of the session.
eiko
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
beginning a ghazal
her eyes say more
than the words
.
*ghazal is a love poem sung. Ghazal concerts are very popular in India
#5 amd #6 (translated version)
秀峰に静寂集め月上る
臨席を得て奏楽合図＊
in the gathering stillness
of a majesric mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
King has seated
and the master concert nods (Eiko)
Paris on the quays
the aulders’ blessing before
Saint-Germain-des-Prés
or
“Maria, Maria”
somewhere in my heart
something glows
or
glorious their hearts
in the mesmerizing mood
of that day’s dawn song
or
snapshot in the night
indelible their presence
to each other
（edited version)
秀峰に静寂（しじま）集めて月上る
ご臨席得て奏者に合図
might be better:
she’s in the third row
through his opera glasses
he can sense her perfume
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
circling
The Kiss
not speaking
(If you want to see images Google The Kiss by Rodin – the links are too long to post here)
Hi Sandra,
“I wonder if “cones thrown to the fire” is quite natural? I would be more likely to say “cones thrown on the fire”. One would throw a ball to another person, but one would not say that something had been thrown to a fire.”
I do see what you’re saying, but ‘thrown to the fire is just as ‘natural’, though it has a different nuance.
I would never throw cones ‘on the fire’… (though I am aware that it’s said, probably in the wake of US English) I would throw them *onto* or *into* the fire, without a second thought. But *if I wanted a sense of feeding the fire*, then I would throw the cones ‘to the fire’, just as I might throw seeds or caution ‘to the wind’. It depends whether one wants that nuance.
the king takes his seat
as the concert-master nods
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
Both perfectly acceptable. Your version implies that the king is a little late and the concert master hasn’t waited for him to be seated. The second shows that precedence is observed and that the king being seated is a sign to the concert master that the concert may begin.
Again, it depends on which nuance of implied meaning one wishes to have.
Thanks Claire,
I’m truly happy you like the moon verse.
_kala
I will verify that clipped US speak, Lorin; ‘thrown on the fire’.
(“Funny- didn’t sound clipped to me…”)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
ah, the heck with it…it’s the ghazal verse for me!
Hello Kala,
The ghazal idea is wondrous to me ! In fact, I just didn’t know the word, this poem speaks to me much.
Thrown on the fire better than thrown to ? Perhaps…, “thrown to” seems to fit so well with, “snap, crackle, pop”. A camp-fire ?
Haiku being free of interpetation t the reader, are nuances so important ?
_K_ing (with a big) doesn’t need an article… King has seated and (now) the concert master… (as… “our king”, which one ???)
I’d humbly suggest that you’re wrong on not needing an article Claire. One of the errors that most beginner writers make (me included) is to write a haiku like it’s a telegram:
cat bounding
over rocks –
sparrow
It’s not exactly wrong, but it’s also not good English. Brevity doesn’t have to equal staccato.
Articles help make a poem flow.
Good Morning, renju friends,
I dare say I have enjoyed your various posts regarding “to” or “on” for the cones!
And wide-eyed (=surprised) by the difference in nuances between our king and King etc)
What I wanted to convey (as expressed in Japanese translation) is “our king” whose nuance explained
by Lorin.
Claire, our king implies the protagonist’s king whoever that may be and shows his/her respect from heart IMO.
Sandra, I keep “on” and will review it as well at the conclusion of the Koyomi.
I have been waiting for Barbara and Ashley. (willie, I guess you are saying ‘pass’.)
While I wait just a very little longer, could anyone explain
the aulders’ blessing?
sincerely yours,
eiko
I suspect Claire may mean “alder”, a tree, from the botanical family Alnus. The “blessing” remains opaque.
Thank you, Sandra. Yes, I should have written “alders”, the reason is that in Fr, we say “aulnes”. Aulnes’ murmurs in spring on the Seine River banks, that’s were is the blessing.
So, you are in the afternoon ? Here, it’s 4 : 07 am!
g’day Eiko, all
Your schema looks good. Thank you.
Happy Birthday to Lorin for yesterday.
Some love offers:
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
_
yes, oh yes,
a melody of rhythms
blends our hearts
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
scored again –
she offers me
her telephone number
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
her Eros tattoo
will never ever
fade away
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
on the throne
a black widow spider
devours her mate
~~~
Peace and Love
In fact, the words king or queen have to be followed by a first name, just like”Queen Elizabeth”. This is English grammar.
Now, saying “our king” is a bit out of time. Kings… Where ? Scandinavia, yes, however, this is another era… That is just why I had thought of King with a big K, and not to have brevity, although haiku is rather brevity. Generally speaking, mine are rather a bit long. The sort you cite as exemple, … “sparrow”, I don’t and can’t understand because there is no context around this single word in line3, except one understand that the sparrow is definitely determined to lose its life… What is underlined, implied, the true hidden story, you can’t define.
Thank you, Sandra, to have “raised the curtain” on the question. Difficult to say, “King Lear”, of course.
So, let’go for the senryû. It sounds like a piece of theater, but we cannot diScuss on and on.
And, it’s time to sleep, 2 : 06 am (brevity of time!)!
Eiko and our sbaki will choose for what thinkthe best is !
Hi! Sorry about the delay – I’m very, very terrible at writing love verses, but here’s an attempt
giggling like teenagers
we reach
for another blanket
Hello Eiko,
Sorry, I just wanted to see what tree family alders belong.
So, they are related to birches and poplars, growing near water, on river banks, embankments, river sources, where there is water. They are light trees with light foliage, murmuring in the breeze (some have silver foliage) and wear chatons in spring just as willows.
And, on the quays and Île-de-la-Cité (where is Notre-Dame) such trees grow because of the Seine River.
Their foliage murmuring in spring is quite poetry-like for strolling ; I spoke of a blessing because of that murmur, the blessing of such trees, before entering the church of Sint-Germain-des-Prés wher future married couples aure going to have the church blessing.
So, one consider strolling on the quays as a blessing, because it means having air, the river Seine, the trees’murmurs and freedom of the place : promenade for lovers (and anybody, of course).
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (pré = fields, prairies) is a square with a church and a rendez-vous’ place in the famous Cafés (Café de Flore, ETC) where artists, journalists, actors, singers, meet. It is a symbol of freedom, rest, and culture.
I just think the place is enchanting (personnally), with all the old and rare books’ stalls (bouquinistes… books) ; and, well, yes, many lovers, visitors, students (not far from the Sorbonne…) stroll there for water and trees.
If you have the Michelin Guide on Paris, you can learn more on the subject. Or, any other books.
Sorry, I have been long! There are willows behind Notre-Dame, on the Île-de-la-Cité, in the middle of the river. It’s just poetry-like, especially in Spring.
thank you, Claire, sleep tight now…
Koyomi: spring melancholy
started May 9, 2010
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown on the fire (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated and
a concert master nods (eiko)
—————————-
(ura) V1 short list
(1)
on the throne
a black widow spider
devours her mate (summer)
2
gazing into mine
Salome’s eyes
above the last veil (no season)
3
along the cool quays
lovers strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Pres* (summer)
4
thirty years later
and my heart’s
still doing somersaults (no season)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
note to willie: To me a majestic mountain Is one of the Himalayas and I would like to avoid uchikoshi. (that is one reason I did
not choose the ghazal verse. Concert master and ghazal do not necessarily link, which may be another…
Claire, sorry to have edited your offer. I like your image a lot, but
wanted to avoid the tree because we have had a strong image of a
timber-jinker and we ARE going have a blossom of a tree later on as well.
Choice 1 shocks us by the incident on the throne elsewhere, which
Is a contribution to our renku.
Choice 2 can be taken as a scene that came up while listening to the music.
Choice 3 can be taken as a scene after the concert in Paris.
Choice 4 can be taken as a memory of the concert date.
Let me know how you read these four.
sincerely,
eiko
I love the serene feel of #3 – it’s my fav – though I do like the danger in #1 too
Nice ones, Eiko,
My choice is # 4.
I’m out the whole morning and will be back after some 5 hgours.
_kala
#3 – the play on the word quays/keys is fun.
Eiko, may I point out the correct spelling of Germain (not German).
Thank you.
thank you! I edited!!!!!! (learned how to) eiko
Hi Eiko,
My choice is#1 – it brings in some tension again after the serenity of the moon verse.
best wishes,
Genevieve.
g’day Eiko, all
I like #3, takes me back to my happy Paris days.
I wonder though if strolling the quays reverts in anyway to pathways?
It’s a pleasant verse to take us on…
Thanks Ashley, Genevieve. I agree that the tension and the danger is there in #1….such is love
Peace and Love
Hi Eiko and All… please excuse me this time, I’m going to pass on voting.
Ah, thank you Eiko, I think I see.
If this side is to be the back, or reverse (as in omote/ura), I would prefer Barb’s ‘black widow’.
I would question (without malice) how this “theme” might continue and end the side.
I’m intrigued by the consideration of “our public face” in relation to “our innermost thoughts”, i.e., if I understand the concept correctly.
hello, everyone,
I would like to wait for Claire, because I have to
know how she likes the edited version.
Now that Barbara pointed out, I see the similarity
between #2, omote and #1, ura… We might escape
uchikoshi by editing further… but this Is Claire’s verse.
and I have to wait.
willie, I happen to read this today:
renku is a great training for those who want to acquire
the power for decision making.
I am also intrigued by Ashley’s comment: the process of
renku indicates there can be So many variations.
Does anyone know a new broadway drama on Bethoven:
the title must be”36 variations”!
sincerely,
eiko
ps…though I like your edit of Claire’s ku, Eiko (nicely atmospheric with ‘cool quays’…and I don’t see word-play, as US spelling for quays is ‘keys’…think of Florida and that general area) I’m still not prepared to vote for any of the three you’ve selected for this position.
One seems too predictably romantic, one seems to go too much for ‘shock value’ with a conventional image and one seems less connected/ linked.
That’s my honest opinion.
Well, lorin, the language is the sound first, the symbol
next. I was fascinated when I learned the etemology
of OK, meaning to the quay (good enough to be exported).
I assume many will enjoy this word play.
But thank you for your honest opinion; I believe linking is even more important than shifting.
…as far as I know, OK derives from ‘Och Aye’ (‘O, Yes’)
…though many other origins have been suggested, some more plausible than others.
Koyomi: spring melancholy
started May 9, 2010
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown on the fire (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated and
a concert master nods (eiko)
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (claire)
=========================
dear claire,
let me know if you could accept the love verse above as yours.
I tweaked based on your explanation last night. I had to
avoid the tree image, though.
I chose your offer (1) for its pleasing scene with voices of lively conversation, (2) for the water-front location,(3) for a specific
name which can now be written here in ura (back folio).
(4) for the word play between quay for ships and key in music.
This verse reminds me of Yosano Akiko’s tanka poem:
kiyomizu e (5) Gion wo yogiru (7) sakura tsukiyo (6)
koyoi au hito (7) mina utsukushiki (7)
Across Gion
To Kiyomizu
Cherry blossoms brightened by the moon
Beautiful,
Each face I meet this night
(translated by S. Goldstein)
with a crane’s long neck, (=waiting anxiously)
eiko
o, duh! I didn’t stop to consider the ‘key’ in music…of course there’s word play in association with the previous verse! My apologies, Sandra.
“Well, lorin, the language is the sound first, the symbol
next. ” – Eiko
This is interesting. I’ve not come across this rule or view before, Eiko, but thank you for spelling out your position.
lorin,
there are many languages in the world that do not
have any written form by any symbol systems.
on the other hand Each and Every languages has its particular sound system.
eiko
I can’t help but wonder, though, Eiko, now that you have honed Claire’s verse so nicely and selected it, whether you are going to stick to your plan for the next and successive verses or not.
“ura, or second folio
#1 a love verse (n/s, summer or winter)
by degachi (everyone is asked to offer candidate(s))
#2 a love verse to follow (Claire)
#3 a religious verse (Genevieve)
#4 a verse on any possible topic
by degachi
#5 a blossom verse (Ashley)
#6 ageku (the last verse with the topic on animal/bird)
by degachi “
Hi everybody,
Thank you so much, Eiko… It’s a bit confusing to me… so glad, though !
I like the “present progressif progressif present, you added to this stanza (are strolling) which gives such a different rythm to the very quiet and very peaceful tone implied in the previous “king is seated and concert master nods”.
Wondering, however if “smooth cool quays” with “smooth” taken in a very poetic way wouldn’t be better ? Because the air there is smooth-like ! Too much, maybe… interaction with with “cool”. And there, I ca’t just ask to you, native Rnglish speakers who can feel deeper in your language.
Anyway, it’s ok like that. I just ask, that’all.
Than you for the Japanese verse by Yosano Akiko, it’s a quite nice offer ! Cherry blossoms brightened by the moon… fanciful vision… Will write it on my haiku list in Japanese, if you don’t mind (and the Englih translation, of course).
(tsuki and sakura, I knew the words n –
mizu? Isn’t-it rain ?
——
Yes, Sandra, explain the pronunciation of “Germain” (germanopratin is the qualyfing adjectiive for allthe Latin quarter (student quarter)
—
Beethoven’s variations… There are the ‘Diabelli Variations” (very smooth music)
—
So next one, would-it be fair to have my name twice?
At tne same time, wondering if it has to be “negative” to the “quays one” ? Difficult to imagine a negative love verse !
Am going to read the koyomi again !
Thanks gain, Eiko
Good Morning, Lorin,
I am glad you become a fan of Saint Germain verse.
I was going to ask Claire to make #2 a degachi verse
in replacement of #1. It seems to me Claire is caught
by life’s unpredictable errands and can not sit for
our Koyomi for the moment.
Let me take responsibility and change the plan
accordingly.
Everyone, please write a short love verse to follow up the cool quay verse. Make it a no season verse, please.
============================
Koyomi: spring melancholy
started May 9, 2010
(omote)
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown on the fire (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
*** ***
(ura)
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (claire)
Wow, Claire, we posted at about the same time! I am glad
you ok’ed the edit! The verse is very smooth without
the word “smooth”, isn’t it? And I am glad you understand
the need to change the original order and make the next verse a degachi verse.
Claire, the back folio (or ura) does Not mean a negative folio at all.
The concept of the distinction is
general/specific, mild/dramatic,
formal/realistic.
Another way of explaining : omote is
compared to one’s education period with the time
flowing gently and ura is compared to one’s adulthood dotted with unpredictable dramas and happenings (Not excluding
happy moments).
Kengin to everyone!
sincerely,
eiko
ps. Here is the Japanese text of Akiko’s verse:
清水へ祇園をよぎる櫻月夜こよひ逢ふひとみなうつくしき
清水（Kiyomizu) and 祗園(Gion) are famous place names of
Kyoto city just as Saint Germain de Pres is for Paris.
“… Lorin, I am glad you become a fan of Saint Germain verse.”
Eiko, I wouldn’t put it that way at all.
forgive me, my subconscious must have been full of such hope,
but I presume you are not rejecting it… and you are
towards accepting it. eiko
Very nice Claire and Eiko. Isn’t it interesting to see how “our” verses can be touched up/tweaked/etc by someone else?
our king is seated and
a concert master nods (eiko)
*** ***
(ura)
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (claire)
there, in black and white
our daughter’s heart
as we pull away,
the harbour full of lei
(in Hawaiian no “s” is added for the plural)
Eiko,
I ok’ to the verse !
ps no, thereare no special errands except we tuesday’night is… dustbin’s > out on the pavement ! That’ done.
——
Just a little thing :
You spell :
Saint-Germain-des-Prés
(s = plural)
Eiko has posted Saint-Germain-des-Pres correctly, Claire. My note re a plural has nothing to do with your verse.
My comment, and if you read it clearly you will notice the word “Hawaiian”, applies to the verse above it, specifically the word lei (= flower garland). I was pointing out for people not familiar with the way Polynesian words are constructed that lei is also the plural, no “s” required.
sandra, I have corrected de Pre to des Pres a moment ago.
My French is nearly none. When I stranded in
Trois-Rivieras (sic?) in French Canada, I survived with two words (merushii and ekuse kyuze moa) for 3 days. I still enjoyed the visit a great deal.
(just a little info irrelevant of our renku.)
Good morning from India!
I like the way this is shaping Eiko.
Congrats Claire.
So we go degachi now.
I’ll send in my offers, if I can think of any love verses!!
Otherwise it’s pass from me!
_kala
Sorry for the confusion, Claire. Je suis desole!
Pas de confusion ! Je suis désolée aussi (too!)!
I love your “black and white heart”, mi-figue mi-raisin (half-fig half-grape), plenty of things behind…
the orchestra of Saint-Martin-in-the-fields, just the same meaning as St-G-des-Prés, except Martin and Germain.
“Trois-Rivières means “Three-Rivers”… All that space, whales and snow…
Och aye, Lorin, seems to be scottish ? Henriette Walter has written several study books on languages – they are on amazon. Don’t know if she has been translated.
And yes, I’ll search for sites on Kyoto.
Saying bbye now,
Happy renku,
Claire
Hello again,
Here are some offers :
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (cl)
lifting the bride’s train
his heart flutters to his teens’ years
or
gliding the ring on her finger
the old bigot’s sneaky glance
or
(their) hymen after the fancy layered cake*
leaves the bride all shaked
or “fancy choux’ cake – pièce montée made of several layers of little custard & pastry cakes (in the form of a cone)on top of wich are a bride and groom and all cakes stuck with caramel
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés
thrilled by his bride’s pride
will it be all sugar all honey ?
Just wanted to ask everyone to take extra time and care in reading and responding to each other’s posts – and I’m not saying that anyone has said anything inappropriate yet – but we’re not all native English speakers so let’s keep that in mind.
And I don’t want this to come across like a rap on the knuckles, it isn’t, just let’s keep going gently when it comes to our posts.
Ash
Ashley, thank you for this. Meanwhile is it OK to
submit following verses on behalf of you?
(for the current love position)
* giggling, we reach for
another blanket
eiko
Absolutely! Thanks, Eiko – I really find the love verses EXTREMELY tough to write, so that’d be great
Hello everyone,
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint Germain des Pres (Claire)
the barge captain
filling the night with song
the barge captain
his heart fills his song
hello, genevieve,
I have been wondering if you could write a short love
verse with either of the enchanting phrases that you sent for another slot:
* a sprig of thyme
* arpeggios flying
* red front door of our first home
The first person verse will be most welcome here.
sincerely,
eiko
Hello Eiko,
Thinking now for some offers.
Best wishes,
Genevieve.
g’day Eiko, all
Congratulations Claire! Ah, gai Paris….
Herewith some offers:
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint Germain de Pre /claire
she spoonfed me
my first frogs’ legs
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint Germain de Pre /claire
sharing crème fraiche
on our waffle
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint Germain de Pre /claire
could anywhere else
be this beautiful?
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint Germain de Pre /claire
the glint of crystal
at candelight dinners
Peace and Love
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint Germain de Pre /claire
ny favourite rose,
his new favourite rose
fifty-three summers
and still wanting a hug
sharing theq
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés(cl)
sharing the same strawberry
our lips sticky with juice
Dear Eiko,
some offers:
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint Germain des Pres
he ties a sprig of thyme
into my hair
I tuck a sprig of thyme
into his lapel
he pins a sprig of thyme
onto my blouse
we pause at the red
front door of our first home
his hand and mine on the
red door of our first home
across the square the red
door of our first home
dear renju friends,
Thank you for the variety of offers. Let me make a short list for #2/ura position:
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
*** ***
(ura)
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (claire) (summer)
1
across the square the red
door of our first home (no season)
2
I tuck a sprig of thyme
into his lapel (summer)
3
giggling, we reach for
another blanket (winter)
4
as we pull away
the harbour full of lei (no season/summer)
============================
Can I hear if you could find your favourite verse?
Lorin and Willie, sorry I have not waited long enough for
your offers.
sincerely,
eiko
Hi! #1 is my fav, I like the open nature and the idea of the ‘door’ might be nice symbol for our next shift
Thanks Ashley.
（translation)
裏１ さんざめきサンジェルマンへ恋の川
２ 赤い戸は新居広場の向かい
＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝
Hi, let’s proceed. I agree with Ashley and take #1.
This verse quietly conveys the joy of getting married.
How unpredictable the renku flows, isn’t it just like our life!
I have to ask Genevieve to give the next position
to everyone ( including you, Genevieve.)
In stead of assigning #3 to be a religious verse, I want to
open the door to any themes not yet explored; It is because I learned that Saint-Germain-des-Pres conjures the church image.
I repeat: We go degachi.
Please send a long verse that links with
the red door verse and at the same time shifts from Saint-Germain verse. A nature verse with an animal is a possibility here.
Your offer can be either a no seasonal or a winter verse.
With cool regards,
eiko
Our renku in progress:
====================
Koyomi: spring melancholy
started May 9, 2010
(omote)
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown on the fire (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
*** ***
(ura)
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (claire)
across the square the red
door of our first home (genevieve)
Yes, Eiko, this koyomi is a true life path ! Genevieve’s ku gets along quite well with the “after-strolling”
cool regards, too !
Yes, isn’t it? thanking you, eiko
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (claire)
across the square the red
door of our first home (genevieve)
a sudden thud
of a golden eagle’s landing
the leaves quiver
_kala
Good Morning, Kala,
Thanks for this fresh image. To avoid the tree image,
would you please consider to replace “leaves” to “soldiers”?
sincerely,
eiko
Dear renju friends,
After #3/ura, we are getting into the last stage of the renku, where
things speed up in the tempo of kyu. All renku forms
follow the total musical structure called jo-ha-kyu.
Jo-introductory flow Ha-dramatic development Kyu- speedy
conclusion, is a kind of aethetics in all Japanese arts.
Poets’ energy to imagine and write link after link of verses
is not as high level as when they started, which may not be
the case in our short renku, but it was the case in 100in or kasen. So it is a practical teaching too
to speed up the session and celebrate the conclusion in
enthusiasm.
Another teaching is: An ageku, the very last verse, is exempt from
uchikoshi and it is OK to start composing the ageku for the work in progress, ahead of time.
Please take note that ageku is another special verse as hokku/waki and daisan.
A positively nuanced spring verse in two lines will be our ageku.
sincerely,
eiko
g’day Eiko, all
some offers:
across the square the red
door of our first home (genevieve)
icicles drip
from rusted out
roof gutters
*
across the square the red
door of our first home (genevieve)
a vixen with her cubs
scavenges
between the bunya
*
across the square the red
door of our first home (genevieve)
farewell tears
as the youngest
leaves the nest
Peace and Love
across the square the red
door of our first home (geneviève)
slowly sipping snow
the grouse near the loch
shrubs stir
or
across the square the red
door of our first home (Geneviève)
the horse-drawn sleigh
gliding through the icy tundra
bells tinkling
or
across the square the red
door of our first home(Geneviève)
hop, jump and run
the children on the lawn
go frolicking
or
across the square the red
door of our first home (Geneviève)
through the keyhole
a donkey-drawn cart shudders
as the old wheel breaks
Thank you Eiko, so good to be part of this koyomi. Sorry to be slow, still in the country. I’ll get some offers in shortly.
Best wishes,
Genevieve.
Have just read again and yes of course I agree with the change of plan, next ku is degachi.
Warm wishes,
Genevieve.
Please, Eiko, what do the words jo, ha, kyu mean ?
Or do they only significate “rhythm and tone” of the verse?
Someting very difficult to realize ! Translate the sound with words ?!
I have no dictionnary Japanese-French. On amazon, the “Berlitz English/Japanese” is recommended.
I wonder which dictionnary they use at “Langues O”. Will be visiting their websites.
Sorry !
ka… of me !
A good day to all of you !
Claire
http://www.basho.jp/sp_exhibition/athome_ku.html
Hi, Claire, you might enjoy the picture on the web site above.
It is raining like that today.
Jo means introduction.
Ha means to break.
Kyu means fast-ness.
sincerely,
eiko
Good morning to all,
a sudden thud
of a golden eagle’s landing
the leaves quiver
on May 19, 2010 at 9:50 pm | Reply garasagrace
Good Morning, Kala,
Thanks for this fresh image. To avoid the tree image,
would you please consider to replace “leaves” to “soldiers”?
But would “soldiers” quiver Eiko?
soldiers shudder ?
May be . . .
a sudden thud
of a golden eagle’s landing
the ground vibrates
?
_kala
a sudden thud
of a golden eagle’s landing
soldiers quiver
~~~~~~~~~~
dear kala, they do not quiver Usually, but they might
if such a landing happened unexpectedly right by
the troop, maybe not out of fear but out of excitement.
It is Your verse and I respect your decision.
ground/landing means almost the same…..
eiko
One for now, not sure where I should put the fragment however, oh well, I can always come back to it!
across the square the red
door of our first home (geneviève)
littered with dog-hair
a smooth hollow
in the garden
/
a smooth hollow
in the garden
littered with dog-hair
across the square the red
door of our first home (Geneviève)
snow covered sticks on top
of the chimney show where
the storks made their nest
Let me wait a little more for willie, lorin and sandra.
sticks sticking out on top
of the chimney show where
the storks made their nest
Hello, Ms Eiko,
Sorry if I’ve been rude due to my absence. I haven’t been feeling well, having difficulty reading even.
I’ll be fine-nothing to add at the moment. Thanks for waiting.
you are welcome. please have a good rest and get well soon.
I’m ok with what ever you feel is ok Eiko. re my offer
🙂
_kala
Let’s proceed now. Out of the short list below, which
represents a drama best…
====
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (claire)—uchikoshi verse
across the square the red
door of our first home (genevieve)…maeku (previous verse)
Link offers:
through the keyhole
a donkey-drawn cart shudders
as the old wheel breaks
a vixen with her cubs
scavenges
between the ( bunya)
a sudden thud
of a golden eagle’s landing
(leaves) quiver
a smooth hollow
in the garden
littered with dog-hair
=======================
Barbara and claire,
With your permission I would like:
through the keyhole:
a vixen with her cubs
scavenges (claire&barbara)
Let me hear from you!
Hi Eiko,
If Barbara agrees with this o) mixture, it’s ok for me. As this is (to some extent, alas) today’s “gai Paris”…
Well, I have to write a sea haibun (until midnight) in French. And, 3 sea haiku along with 3 sea senryû !
Is-there somebody to do it for me ? Ah… Pouf……………….
No time left for my little delicacy :”biscuits à la cuiller” (the biscuits used for a charlotte) with cream… crème fraîche !
I hope Willy is recovering now (piggy flu ?)
So, be well…
Have to go,
claire
Can the verb “to scavenge” be intransitive” ? Wondering, no time left to look up for that… Sorry
Onto the blossom verse!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good Morning, Barbara, Claire, Kala, Ashley, Genevieve,
Sandra, Lorin and Willie, (so nice to have all these names
in me now)
claire, thanks for your permission.
In translating the following version comes up:
the keyhole sees
a vixen with her cubs
freely scavenging * (barbara, claire, eiko)
a winter kigo: vixen
鍵穴は雌ギツネ一家の跋扈見る
barbara, let me tentatively take the above as our #3/ura.
and kala, your offer works so well to follow the vixen verse.
An eagle is a winter kigo. Please see below.
＝＝＝
Koyomi: spring melancholy
started May 9, 2010
(omote)
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown on the fire (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
*** ***
(ura)
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (claire)
across the square the red
door of our first home(geneviève)
the keyhole sees
a vixen with her cubs
freely scavenging * (barbara, claire, eiko)
…a sudden thud
of an eagle’s landing (kala)
==========================
dear ashley,
it must be challenging to compose a blossom verse
directly after the winter scene.
In a longer form so many verses come inbetween, but
the brevity has its merits too.
could you please
try? Send me two or three candidates.
sincerely,
eiko
Hello Eiko and All,
I have no further comments or verse offers to make, but have learnt a lot from observing the processes of this renku.
– Lorin
Oh, lorin, So good to hear your ‘voice’! Please stay tuned
as the radio says. eiko
the keyhole sees
a vixen with her cubs
freely scavenging * (barbara, claire, eiko)
…a sudden thud
of an eagle’s landing (kala)
Eiko,
Some points:
1.
Maybe a comma after square?
otherwise L1 doesn’t make any sense.
across the square the red (?)
across the square, the red
door of our first home(geneviève)
2.
A Doubt:
For Ura to be effective ( since it has only 6 verses on this side, shouldn’t the shift be a leap away, otherwise we are circling around the same place / idea)
across the square, the red
door of our first home(geneviève)
the keyhole sees
a vixen with her cubs
freely scavenging * (barbara, claire, eiko)
Too close – first we were across the house, now we are inside the house.
3.
I liked Barbara’s first choice of words:
through the keyhole
How can – the keyhole see
?
Still not changing too much, my take on these two verses would be:
through the keyhole
the vixen with her cubs
seen scavaging
. . . a sudden thud
as the eagle lands
again we are in the same area . . . there is no shift in the scene.
They do say in kasen, which is 6/12/12/6/ verses in total, we can have mild shifts, but in shorter renku trips to be effective – the leaps need to show.
Maybe all I’ve said here is rubbish, for it’s 3.45 am and I’m going back to sleep!
_kala
dear kala,
regarding the red front door verse, I kind of liked the version without the comma for its flow of consciousness
approach, but if everyone insists, we certainly can
ask genevieve to add the punctuation.
renku is as much about reading as composition and
our reading differs here. V2 in conjunction with V1
is an inner city outdoor verse, but when read in conjunction with V3 it changes into an indoor verse of a farm house located in a hamlet.
The change of view point angle, offered by
Claire Is precious.
Shifting from uchikoshi (Not from the previous verse) is important, but linking to the previous verse is as important. I don’t think we are circling in the same spot.
Well, we don’t see an eagle suddenly landing in any inner city, usually…
I wanted a personification, if it is effective…. Doesn’t
keyhole look like an eye?
sincerely,
eiko
Will be back late tonight, looking forward to the challenge!
g’day Eiko
Thank you.Through the keyhole is just fine by me.
Good one Claire!
I’m here on a misty autumn morning having just sqeezed a freshly picked tangelo for breakfast juice.
I appreciate your explanations for considered choices.
Peace and Love
freshly picked!
=====
wow, how envious am I!
I will certainly consider
retaining claire’s phrase.
thank you, barbara for
accepting co-authorship
of one verse.
Shutter opened.. Blackbirds everywhere singing!
Plenty of messages to read.
please, Lorin, don’t go away like that ; I have found a document of the republic fr on the role played by Fr explorers, in the discovering of the Australian continent. In both languages. That should be interesting for you all down there to read.
Now, all the messages…
a good day to you all, cl
hi again,
– Thank you, Eiko ; “through the hole”, is an interesting perception from the people inside.
– I vote for the comma (Geneviève’s ku)
– Kala’s eagle… Why not :
to emphazise the strength of the scene,
the dull thud of
a golden eagle’s landing
where dull and golden are in a strong opposition ?
Just thinking that the L2 should be a bit longer to render it more effective.
sudden and thud go in the same way, don’t they?
Hey, the native speakers! Help
That’s all for now… Ashley’s turn…
bye, claire
Well, yes, sorry,
a golden eagle is a royal eagle, so, probably bigger than the other species ? Kala, what about it ?
golden eagle,
http://www.montagne-haut-languedoc.com/oiseaux-aigle-royal- 1.html
viesauvage.over-blog.net/article-12886703.html
your tangelo, Barbara…, a half-pomelo, for me
probably the biggest one, so it needs respect > forcein the ku > golden
bbye now
doesn’t work, it seems ; again,
http://www.montagne-haut-languedoc.com/oiseaux-aigle-royal-1.html
http://www.viesauvage.over-blog.net/article-12886703.html
Claire,
L’aigle royal! I saw both sites. thank you.
They are called Dog-eagle in Japanese! Maybe for
its heavy presence?
Sorry I haven’t been “in”, too busy out there earning some money.
Hope you’re feeling better Willie.
I’m enjoying watching the verse unfold and look forward to contributing towards the verse after next. Good luck Ashley!
sandra,
don’t mention it. so glad to hear your voice, though.
Go, go, Ashley!
Hello Eiko,
I’m now back from the country – the paddocks white with frost and misty in the mornings and the Belted Galloway cattle (a Scottish breed with a wide, white stripe around their middles) looking as though they have only front and back ends.
I don’t mind if the verse has a comma or not. I think the meaning is clear without it and the comma will not change the enjambment between the lines. I’m quite happy though if you would like to put a comma in.
Looking forward to reading your ku, Ashley.
All best wishes,
Genevieve.
genevieve, I feel like seeing a movie opening with mist
gradually lifting… thank you for sending the autumn flavor to us in early summer! Today was the first summer -hot day here in Japan.
everyone, I WILL tweak those verses any of you have
discussed on. It is inevitable to tweak so that a renku
born between us can become a poem for the public to enjoy.
claire, thank you so much for google search a golden eagle.
In this form( Koyomi), we do not have many verses to
develop a drama. But life’s biggest drama is right here IMO.
One of the cubs looking for food with its mother is in turn
the target of an eagle…
Isn’t it nice, though, that we are always invited to redirect
our attention to another face of nature, to the glorious
and dignified blossoms, or to the sheen of moonlight?
sincerely,
eiko
…the cattle looking as though they have only front and back ends and nothing in between, that is.
the keyhole sees
a vixen with her cubs
freely scavenging * (barbara, claire, eiko)
…a sudden thud
of an eagle’s landing (kala)
–
covering pond-fish
the blossoms refuse
to sink
plum blossoms swirl
in the car-park
she is locked out
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread across the table
I can try more – some links might be a little weak – table/landing etc – and especially #2, which I’m not sure about!
Ash
(thanks for waiting everyone!)
Hi Ashley, I like the car-park verse, I can feel that sudden, cold, ‘willy-willy’ wind swirling the blossoms and the panic in the pit of your stomach when you realise you don’t have the keys – which are usually in the car…(in my case).
Thanks! Yeah, I know that feeling – I did it five damn times one year with my old car!
Koyomi: spring melancholy
started May 9, 2010
(omote)
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown on the fire (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
*** ***
(ura)
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (claire)
across the square the red
door of our first home(geneviève)
through the keyhole
a vixen with her cubs
scavenging * (barbara, claire)
…a sudden thud
as an eagle lands (kala)
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table(ashley) —no season
============================
Good Morning, renju friends,
It was difficult to choose one out of the three offers written from heart:
offer one: attracted to the verse’s gesture of saving fish…
offer two: I share her feeling of coming to senses, one layer deeper than daily-conversation-level awareness, breathing in the swirl…
offer three: This can not be a nature scene with a spring kigo. But qualifies as a no-season blossom verse.
Japanese tradition on
‘the blossom’ starts, of course, from the gorgeous cherry-blossoms in the spring time, but does not end there.
They
(or should I say we , even though modern Japanese are not necessarily the faithful observers of old traditions…) see
the precious, the philosophical, the mystery
from the blossom: example: we call a bride hana-yome (blossom wife), a bridegroom (blossom husband), a star actor, hanagata (blossom figure) etc, etc.
This tradition includes artificial flower crafted by hands from the sheer appreciation of the beautify of blossoms. Natural blossom is not here, but
here is the heart that appreciates it.
I hope and wish I could convince everyone of my decision. I think the space between an eagle’s sharp beak and
the cutting scissors is filled or charged with renku energy.
Let’s celebrate the first Koyomi ever written in English with your ageku offers!
Be sure to include a spring kigo. (A two line verse, positively nuanced.)
Kengin to everyone!
thanking you all,
eiko
Thank you, Eiko! Really happy that #3 was chosen, I was surprised when I wrote it, that it came so easily!
And thanks too for the notes on the blossom verse, I hadn’t realised that a non-season verse could work here, perhaps that makes it easier to get to spring from winter now?
And the hana-yome etc is very interesting. I don’t know if there are many English-language equivalents at all.
Ashley
ps. I am sorry to have lost the format.
Here it is on our usual format.
=================
Koyomi: spring melancholy
started May 9, 2010
(omote)
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown on the fire (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
*** ***
(ura)
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (claire)
across the square the red
door of our first home(geneviève)
through the keyhole
a vixen with her cubs
scavenging * (barbara, claire)
…a sudden thud
as an eagle lands (kala)
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table(ashley)
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread across the table/ Ashley
Excellent! Works for me on all levels, from the traditional, annual kindergarten/early primary school classroom activities in Spring through to more complex and subtle possibilities related to renku making.
A fresh and original verse which links with startling insight to the eagle’s beak and bodes well for a smooth transition to the ageku.
– Lorin
Yes, indeed. By now my comp-table is scattered with
saijiki, dictionaries, pencils and trash (how shameful).
😉 … sounds just like home, to me.
Thanks, Lorin! I’m very happy with it – school life must be pushing through!
I hadn’t actually realised that the link with the eagle’s beak was there, thank you for pointing it out, fantastic!
Your left brain may not have, but your sub-conscious
or the middle stratum of your conception(as they say here) must have;–)
… though I don’t understand why this verse would be classified as ‘no-season’, since as I see it, the season is implied by the activity.
Though it’s true that people (including children) can make paper blossoms year round if they choose to, the ‘cut out blossom’ activities tend to happen by the calendar, here in Victoria, anyway. Similarly, people can make eg pine tree with star at the top cut-outs year round if they choose to, but the association is with Christmas.
Isn’t this the essence of kigo?
– Lorin
Lorin, wow, I tend to agree with you! When I
wrote “no season verse”, I followed the writing
from my little booklet for renkujin! In our Koyomi,
we can either call it a no season blossom verse or a spring
blossom verse. I am positive. eiko
ah, thanks for clearing that up, Eiko.
Yes, I can see how it could be either ‘no-season’ or ‘Spring’, depending on how one looked at it…and perhaps also on how a reading of it might depend on the context of the surrounding verses? (the verse before and the verse after)
– Lorin
…a sudden thud
as an eagle lands (kala)
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table (Ashley)
this warm morning, the frogs
still happy in their night song
this warm morning, we bring
our chairs into the garden
this warm morning
talking together as we walk
Lorin, thank you for your offers! Can I add this to your
ageku offers?
Buddha Day- a smile
ripples in the wind
sincerely,
eiko
Hi Eiko,
Yes certainly. Thank you for offering to consider it.
I have come back on-site to post this offer:
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table(ashley)
homework forgotten
in a race for the swings
…and will try to come up with some more, as well.
– Lorin
genevieve, I appreciate your quick offers!
… a sudden thud
as an eagle lands (kala)
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table (Ashley)
just for a moment,
lifting my face to the sun
coughing into life,
my neighbour’s lawnmower
knitting for her first baby,
yellow and green
coughing into life,
my neighbour’s lawnmower
😉 …love the humour in this one, Sandra.
sandra, his best flower blooms on your side, but he
still is very diligent!
g’day Eiko, all
some offers:
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table(ashley) —no season
lilac hues shimmer
at the lake’s edge
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table(ashley) —no season
a posy of violets
presented to the teacher
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table(ashley) —no season
blue birds entering clouds
in the jigsaw
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table(ashley) —no season
hyacinth scents smother
the Zen garden
~
Peace and Love
…a sudden thud
as an eagle lands (kala)
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table (Ashley)
handed over our fence
the first spring rose
whoops – sorry, completely forgot that ‘spring’ is already in the renku.
Early morning,
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table (Ashley)
the ascending sap
everywhere around
outside on the lawn
a kyte chases a last cloud
or
out in the farmyard
a lamb teats vigorously
or
the pasteque’s red flesh
and all lthe little fingers up
or
more than expected
the climbing-rose fragrance !
or
a glider slices
its way in the high blue sky
or
from the window-sill
the scent of freshly dugged earth
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread across the table
I like this verse – good flow and seems so natural.
Good one Ashley.
There are many offers which seem to fit well as an ageku Eiko.
Can’t believe it has come to an end so fast:)
_kala
Yes, indeed!
Thanks, _kala! Me too, it’s been very quick indeed – which I liked, kept the pressure to create going, kept up the energy for me
…a sudden thud
as an eagle lands (kala)
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table (Ashley)
Buddha Day – a smile
ripples in the wind
homework forgotten
in a race to the swings
a breeze fills the curtains
with the scent of green
– Lorin
…
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table (Ashley)
half out if its cocoon
a caterpillar climbs to the zenith
Your verse, Asley, is… a spreading birth,
Thanks, Claire! 🙂
through the keyhole
a vixen with her cubs
scavenging * (barbara, claire)
…a sudden thud
as an eagle lands (kala)
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table(ashley)
—————–
(a) (the) warming breeze
tugs at our writing sheet
the latest kite
greeted with oohs and ahhs
Best wishes, John
John, What a nice surprise!!!! and Welcome to the Koyomi! eiko
Hi John, I like the breeze tugging at our writing sheet – our words ending up who knows where?
Best wishes,
Genevieve.
Genevieve,
Who knows where? We all feel this way. One teaching says
you bring a never ending renku flow to a temporary stop
by writing a different poem.
Thus it is customary (exception always
arises) that the poet who wrote the hokku/waki pair
do not write an ageku.
Barbara, forgive me for not telling that ahead of time.
EVERYONE, thank you so much for your abundant contribution and
thank you, Ashley, for writing a “reproductive” blossom verse.
(as Claire admires)
I have made a short list. (some of the offers that included
the words already used (green, spring) are not here).
Since this is the last verse, why don’t you renju (8 poets)
decide the ageku? Let’s say each of you have two points
and you can vote 0 to 1 point to the offer you yourself wrote. Then you vote remaining point (s) to your fellow renju’s offer.
Out of 16 points (14 if willie is not yet well), the verse
that gets the biggest number of vote will be OUR ageku.
John and I do not vote. Please choose a nice ageku for
Our Koyomi.
~~~
The Short List for the ageku:
1
Buddha Day – a smile
ripples in the wind
2
just for a moment
lifting my face to the sun
3
coughing into life
my neighbour’s lawnmower
4
from the window
the scent of freshly dug earth
5
a warming breeze
tugs at our writing sheet
===================
With respect,
eiko
just for a moment
lifting my face to the sun
coughing into life
my neighbour’s lawnmower
From me, both these get 1 point each,
_kala
Oh, kala, thank you for your quickest response. I appreciate it.
Tough choice! I’m glad it comes down to a mass vote, so here’s my fav two
#3 & #1, both make me smile, I like the idea of ending with a touch of humour
“. . . each of you have two points
and you can vote 0 to 1 point to the offer you yourself wrote. Then you vote remaining point (s) to your fellow renju’s offer.” – Eiko
ok ! 😉
1
Buddha Day – a smile
ripples in the wind – 1 point
5
a warming breeze
tugs at our writing sheet – 1 point
– Lorin
Hello Eiko,
two points to #5
a warming breeze
tugs at our writing sheet
– the possibility of our writing sheet (and perhaps some cut-out paper blossoms to accompany it) floating up and away.
Best wishes,
Genevieve.
through the keyhole
a vixen with her cubs
scavenging * (barbara, claire)
…a sudden thud
as an eagle lands (kala)
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table(ashley)
mmm…difficult decision
I would award two points to #5 for the linking and subtle feeling it evokes, plus the openness of what possibly could come after.
excuse me! I forgot to post the verse!
a warming breeze
tugs at our writing sheet
Hi renku world,
just arriving ! I’ve slept through the whole day !
A week of renku nights, and I’m kaput !
How great it was, learning so much in such a few time. At the beginning, I thought it would last a long time, so didn’t really care (renku being allnew to me) ! Then, I found myself INVOLVED in a TWIRLING season of words -), and really enjoyed the quick pace that (and in which) our ideas bloomed…
At the same time, Eiko’strong implication in explaining the whole koyomi and each ku.
I feel as if I were on a ladder with a large step in the middle, with a long crane’ neck (!).
Eiko, I feel sorry you didn’t write you own ageku, too. Why not ? We would have shared much more !
Anyway, the best to you all !
Claire
ps : voting ? Have to read, however…
clare, dear, I really should have written! I must have
been overwhelmed by your wonderful offers! I never even
think about it!
Please
now vote, you have two points.
thank you for your kind words on my sabakiship.
remember
this one week of renku energy!
with anticipation,
eiko
I have to vote (is-it so serious ?), for some general ku that involves the world around.
So, I give two points to John’ kite.
The kite explodes into life in the brigt sky, and, at the same time, in a larger spectre involves all cut-blossoms (suddenly dangling, swinging) up there!
A firecracker!
Claire
g’day Eiko
2 votes to #5….it is perfect for the next journey of our
jumbling words
a warming breeze
tugs at our writing sheet
I have a question, please.
I like this verse because the scene is excellent but wonder if it is a problem to have four previous lines also starting with “a”?
possibly this verse could be:
warming breezes tug
at our writing sheets
Thanks for your advice. This was a very fast moving poem which I enjoyed very much. Looking forward to the ageku and a title.
Peace and Love
Hi there,
1 point to #2
1 point to #5
Looking forward to the result.
The score is:
1
Buddha Day – a smile
ripples in the wind -2
2
just for a moment
lifting my face to the sun – 2
3
coughing into life
my neighbour’s lawnmower – 2
5
a warming breeze
tugs at our writing sheet – 10
………………
It’s clear we have our ageku!
Good one, John 😉
– Lorin
Hello Eiko,
Something wandering in my “ka” head :
Aren’t the aaaahs and ooohs too strong to be related with “Spring melancly” ?
Has the last ku need to have a relationship with the first one (the tortoise) ?
I kbow the vote id finished, just would like to know if hokku and ageku have to have some link ?
Thans to tell me/us…
— Thank you so much for Bascho’s koyomi (at least, I think it’ s one). Yes, to some extent, it rains hard ! The images are lovely – as for reading it…
Hi, Claire,
The last ku (ageku) does not have to have a relationship
with the hokku. As both are with spring kigo, readers
naturally feel some relationship anyways.
Koyomi was not invented by Basho, but a present-day
professor in Hokkaido. He needed a short form so that
students can complete alive in his class hours. But
it does observe some of the tradition of kasen invented by Basho nearly 400 years ago.
The series of images and the space in between images–
do we feel like riding on a wave?
sincerely,
eiko
Koyomi: spring melancholy & the red door
started May 9, 2010
(omote)
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown on the fire (sandra)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
*** ***
(ura)
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (claire)
across the square the red
door of our first home(geneviève)
through the keyhole
a vixen with her cubs
scavenging (barbara, claire)
…a sudden thud
as an eagle lands (kala)
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table (ashley)
the warming breeze
tugs at our writing sheet(john)
========================
Good Afternoon, my renju friends,
With your consent I would like to call the above our final text. Please examine your verse and the title on the top .
Some explanatory comments:
1. I would like to keep the adjective; majestic, to ignite readers
imagination hopefully towards the Himalayas.
” Mountrain “without
“majectic” could include some hills that used to be higher.
2. I would like to use ‘thrown on’ for it is sandra’s verse and
she prefers on to to.
3. I would like “through the keyhole” for the same reason.
4. I like the shortness of the eagle verse, for it contributes to
the effective linkage with the following verse.
5. Barbara, thank you for bringing up the repetition of the same article. I would like to take John’s alternative offer of using
“the”. (this way we can avoid starting two verses in a row
with plural subject)
6. I sincerely hope you like my idea of adding “the red door”
to our title.
Congratulations!
eiko
Hello, Eiko,
Now that the renku is done, I wonder if you’d tell us a bit about the Koyomi? I did try to google, but came up with nothing related to renku/ renga, though it appears the word translates into English as ‘calendar’ or ‘almanac ‘, and is also the name of a female manga personality. That’s all I could find!
In what way, for instance, might the Koyomi be expected to differ from the Junicho, which also has 12 verses?
Yes, I agree that Sandra’s verse is best in her voice, with ‘on’, and ‘through the keyhole’ is preferable to the alternative in the ‘vixen’ verse, as it avoids the shock of the absurd.
– Lorin
g’day Eiko, all
Congratulations John. Nice finishing verse.
Silly of me not to see that with the plural openings.
I still wonder, however, if this verse might be altered:
the warming breeze
tugs at our writing sheet(john)
to
the warming breeze
tugs at our writing sheets
I do like the title. This koyomi has been an enjoyable and interesting trip. I particularly was impressed with your speed and generosity of explanations on each verse. Thank you sabaki.
Like Claire, I too, thought there was a prerequisite
for the ageku to not only round off the overall essences
of the total preceding verses, but also, to come a full circle by having a link to the hokku and daisan. Thanks for clearing that up.
I am eager to learn more about/practise this form, and appreciate your time and patience with us. Thank you
to everyone for being so speedy with creative verses.
Cheers to The Red Door!
Peace and Love
Barbara! thank you so much.
I wanted to emphasize the momentum, because
I wanted everyone to feel that the muse sometimes come down right
into the heated session in a renku composition!
sincerely,
eiko
Barbara, a change from sheet to sheets sounds sensible to me.
John, could you let us hear your feel/take/opinion? eiko
Hi,Lorin,
Koyomi is Not a well-known form. I presume
Prof. Sugiura named it such simply because
the number of verses coincides with the number of
months in a year.
As far as I know there are three different forms of
12 verse renku: Junicho, Shisan and Koyomi.
They are all shortened form of a kasen with 36 verses.
How to shorten is different.
Junicho- sacrifices four folio structure of a kasen. There is only One folio and that’s it. No omote, no ura.
This way it observes the lyrical (or singing) link in between verses just like in a kasen. A finely weaved renku without the
ambition of recreating the whole world.
Shisan has four folios just like a kasen. But there are only
three verses in a folio, which necessitates a distant link often.
I feel a shisan can be compared to an abstract picture.
It strives to recreate the world just like a kasen does.
To tell you the truth I really like this form. I did not
choose shisan for it is best to write a shisan after you have
experienced a number of kasen-writing experiences.
Koyomi has omote/ura distinction, which is a very
important feature of a kasen. I Do feel a Kasen is
the best renku form for many reasons I can not explain
in this short box! I think this can be a good exercise
for future kasen writers. But this is the very first time
even for me!
sincerely,
eiko
Hi Eiko,
Thank you very much for explaining Koyomi in relation to other kinds of renku. It is really good to have an idea now, of the differences and similarities …which would make for differences in the overall flow of a renku, too.
…and many thanks for introducing us to the Koyomi here at ‘issa’s snail’.
best wishes,
– Lorin
The Red Door
Is lovely as a title – most arresting!
Love the whole renku . . .
v V nice ageku! John peeps in to say ‘bye’ 🙂
Thanks Eiko.
Yes, ‘through the keyhole’ sounds good, so also the eagle verse in its shortened form.
But I’m still not ok with the word “majestic” —too telly, I feel. . .
but the sabaki knows best, so I go with it willingly!
_kala
Hi, kala, would you consider “prominent” now?
Well, let us keep majestic,( magnificent is too long)
eiko
Hi Eiko and Kala,
Just to say that I do understand Kala’s concern about ‘majestic’ within her verse here.
Of course there is nothing wrong with ‘majestic’ in itself…the problem is that great mountains have been for so long spoken and written about as ‘majestic’ that it is probably the first qualifier for ‘mountain’ that comes to most people’s minds. Mountains are conventionally ‘majestic’ : the expression has become a cliche. It might be better to imply majestic?
One possibility which might suggest great height and majesty might be ‘snow-capped’. I don’t know, only guessing, but wouldn’t a mountain that was snow-capped at the time of the Autumn full moon necessarily be a very high one?
in the gathering stillness
of a snow-capped mountain
the rising full moon (kala)
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko)
For me, ‘snow-capped’ adds to the mountain’s presence, and by analogy with this presence, the king enters easily: the King is to his subjects as the Mountain is to surrounding landscape. We don’t have to actually say ‘majestic’, since it’s part of the implied presence.
What do you both think about this?
I hope this post might be helpful.
– Lorin
Yes, Lorin I like your suggestion.
No no, Eiko!
lets just keep ‘majestic’
I like majectic better than prominent, but all these words ‘tell’ which take away a lot from the moon verse, I feel?
It’s fine as it is now.
I’m slowly coming to terms with ‘majestic’ !!
It was sheer fun, thanks Eiko,
_kala
Hi Kala. . . see my post above yours & let me know your thoughts?
– Lorin
…and another connection between ‘mountain’ and King is that they both sit down, are seated ‘on their bottoms’ 🙂 . . . just like the rest of us.
– Lorin
Dear Eiko,
I feel honoured to have ‘the red door’ in the title. Thank you.
It has been very interesting exploring the Koyomi form – thank you for your time and patience in guiding us through the twists and turns.
John and Ashley, thank you for the opportunity.
So nice to have your ageku in the poem John.
Perhaps we can all work on a Koyomi again, some time!
All best wishes to everyone,
Genevieve.
Just thinking here of all the ‘mountain’ words and wonder what you would think, Kala and Eiko of ‘mountain crag’?
in the gathering stillness
of a mountain crag
the rising full moon
‘crag: a steep, rugged, mass of rock projecting upward or outward, especially a cliff or vertical rock exposure’.
– could certainly be ‘majestic’.
Of course just thinking out loud and thought I’d put in the suggestion, but it may not fit with the image you had Kala.
Best wishes,
Genevieve.
hmmm…could, be, Genevieve, but with ‘crag’ I tend to think of Scotland, deer & antlers, shaggy cattle and ‘the country seat ‘, as in the keyhole/ vixen & cubs verse … Tally-ho! Och Aye & all that.
– Lorin
Hi,
Just arriving ! Sorry !
Reading now,
I had dropped this on my list (but did not post the KOYOMI at all :
je deviens marron d’Inde
Kala sur le renku
… the golden eagle
marron d’Inde is the fruit of the “horse-chestnut”
I’m becoming “brown-chestnut”
Kala on the renku
… the golden eagle
Serge Tome answered, giving me the link to a new site,
So, do you allow me to post it to (only) Serge (Tempslibres.org & 575)? Or, Kala’s two, Kala, please, tell-me… ? I know that Serge would be very interested…
Im just asking before.
Claire, now reading the posts
Your verse breaks into three separate parts and three separate images, Claire.
– Lorin
Hi Claire, in the meantime, while waiting for a response, you could direct Serge here to have a read?
Hello Eiko,
Thank you for the explanation of the various forms of 12-verse renku, much appreciated. It’s nice that people are still iventing new forms so long after Basho and his friends gathered to writer 1000-verse poems.
A point of typography. I would like to see a space inserted after the ellipsis in kala’s eagle verse. This would create an emphasis for the ellipsis and allow it to create an emphasis it.
Thus:
… a sudden thud
as an eagle lands (kala)
The speed of composition has been both fascinating and frustrating (in about equal amounts). I’m not convinced it aids the process of producing poetry, but anyway have enjoyed this speedy ride!
Best wishes to all,
Sandra
And apologies for the typos in this post. Yuck. Pouring with rain here, sticky keys on the keyboard and trying to go too fast. My first try at posting didn’t work at all.
So, one more time:
It’s nice that people are still inventing new forms so long after Basho and his friends gathered to write 1000-verse poems.
A point of typography. I would like to see a space inserted after the ellipsis in kala’s eagle verse. This would create an emphasis for the ellipsis and allow it to create an emphasis.
And my comment about finding the speed of the poem difficult wouldn’t apply, I’m sure, if we were all in a room together.
The more I use haiku forums on the web, the more disillusioned I seem to be become about the lines of communication.
Still, that’s just me – Ashley, please don’t read anything extra into that. Like I said, it’s raining and damp and chilly … and Monday! I have always found Issa’s Snail to be a delightful site.
sandra,
thank you for your advice on the typography.
I certainly will put a space.
I did enjoy meeting YOU. please come to
a live renku session in Japan!!!!!
eiko
Hi Eiko,
I do like the idea of ‘red door’ as part of the title, but find ‘spring melancholy & the red door’ a bit like a ‘description of contents’. For a poem title, something like ‘ Green Glass, Red Door’ would appeal to my tastes more… but of course we are all different in regard to taste!
Anyway, my suggestion, for your consideration:
Green Glass, Red Door
best wishes,
– Lorin
Hi, Lorin,
I have opened the can of worms , haven’t I?!
Traditionally we are supposed to name the work
using the line from our hokku. I desired
a little deviation, but not a revolutionary one;–)
sincerely,
eiko
ps. (about the snow-capped mountain)
we need an autumn moon verse…..
I know the peaks are eternally snow-capped,
but we want to respect the code side of kigo…
Hi Eiko, I’m a little confused (again!) so I hope you will clarify this issue for me.
” I know the peaks are eternally snow-capped,
but we want to respect the code side of kigo…
How does this fit with your argument for ‘morning dew’ in Willie’s hokku? That the ‘strongest kigo’ is the one which dominates in a verse where it may be thought to have more than one kigo?
“. . .the strongest kigo and we don’t have to worry about “dew” which is listed as an autumn kigo. We all know dew exists in spring.
An example of three kigo haiku which is So popular from Edo period:
mini wakaba(5) yama hototogisu (7) hatsu gatsuo(5)
green leaves for eyes
mountain cockoos for ears
first bonito to eat” / Eiko
I would’ve thought that the Autumn full moon was a stronger kigo than ‘snow-capped’, since it is only (I’m assuming, though I don’t live near high mountains so could be wrong) very high mountains which are likely to be snow-capped around the time of the main Autumn moon.
Can you please explain this seeming inconstancy? Has it to do with the ‘special exemptions’ in regard to the hokku, perhaps?
– Lorin
whoops! that should read ‘inconsistency’ , in my last line.
– Lorin
Lorin,
spring melancholy—-it is obvious the verse is
a spring verse not based
on the code, based on “spring”
spelled out.
full moon rising—– without any contradictory kigo
this Is an autumn verse based
on the code. (without the knowledge
of the code, one can not determine
it as autumn moon.
example:
sakura tsukiyo–cherry blossom brightened by the moon
(is not autumn, but Is spring)
Scientifically speaking, the moon is around us anytime
of the year.
a solution if this were a haiku: you change full moon into autumn moon.
================================
In a renku, there is a strict aethetics: you can use
the name of a season only once in one renku.
We have the name of a season in our hokku. That is
why we can not use the solution for haiku.
I hope this mail clears your confusion!
eiko
Hi again,
I do follow Sandra for the space creating an ellipse (and, (but don’t hear me!) would suppress “as” to emphazise the thud, the weight, the importance of the golden eagle which is more than a simple eagle… a true dramatic image.
That’s my view, nobody has to share it. Such as,
… sudden thud
an eagle lands
Geneviève’s idea for crag may be quite good. if this can suit to Himalaya (it seems so, but… kala knows better).
“Green glass, red Door”, why not ?
= omote and ura !
—
Well, the only real problem for me, is the ageku which takes back the ida of PAPER in the cut-out blossom. Two verses on paper ?
“lifting my face”, or even “scent of fresly dug earth”, wouldbring another final way, it seems…
Warm wishes to eerybody,
claire
Sorry, Eiko, I had voted for John’s kite !
Don’t attach importance to what I said, anyway, or you are on for a hedache big as Sacré-Coeur!!
Well, we had a good work, and I’m quite pleased with those two folios ! Thks to you again !
Thanks, Eiko, for your clear explanation.
It certainly helps in relation to this renku.
Beyond this renku, though, it shows me that there must be different guidelines or interpretations of guidelines about, since I’ve been under the impression from various other sources that the (unqualified) moon was considered an Autumn kigo by default, unless over-ridden by a stronger or contradictory kigo! (such as it is in the moon plus cherry blossoms example you give)
That understanding, which seems misplaced here in regard to this renku, is the reason I’d assumed that ‘snow-capped’, if it is a kigo at all, would be a weaker kigo than the ‘Autumn-by-default’ moon.
I’ve not been able to find ‘snow-capped’ in any online saijiki, but a print of ‘Tatsuta-hime, the Shintō goddess of autumn’ has a snow-capped Mt. Fuji in the background, which suggests to me that a snow-capped mountain might not necessarily be a contradictory thing in this context.
http://www.britishmuseum.org/explore/highlights/highlight_objects/asia/t/takehisa_yumeji,_princess_tats.aspx
– Lorin
dearest lorin,
thank you for the Yumeji’s art! I too can see your line
of thought clearly. Besides your tweak Is a great one
as sandra mentioned…. I instantly thought so, too.
yet….in order to call our Koyomi a renku… we had better
not use the word :snow with the moon in the autumn position.
believe me, it takes some years to get used to this kigo issue side
of renku(it took me much more years than ‘some’ !)
promise me to read this Koyomi five years later.
(on condition that you continue writing renku)
sincerely,
eiko
” “neiges éternelles” “eternal snow, everlasting snow”, so they can’t be used as a kigo word.” – Claire
Thanks for that information, Claire. I suspected that was the case….at least it seems logical. And the French certainly makes the connection with ‘non-seasonal’ clear!
However, we don’t know, not having access to saijiki, that ‘snow-cap/ neiges eternelles’ in the Japanese word/s aren’t listed in a saijiki under a particular season. This is the frustration…in the dark, one can only guess!
Kigo is a Japanese cultural concept which doesn’t always translate well into other languages/ cultures, even those with the ‘traditional’ four seasons, such as Europe, the UK and the Northern part of North America, let alone countries such as India and Australia. And that is the reason I prefer ‘seasonal reference’ over kigo when referring renku or haiku written in English.
– Lorin
Hi Eiko,
yes, it’s a charming print, isn’t it?
I take it that it’s the word ‘snow’ that’s the problem, whether or not it’s in the context of ‘year-round snow’ or in the French as Claire has shown, “neiges éternelles”.
If the word ‘snow’ appears, no matter how qualified in context, it is considered to be a Winter kigo? So an Autumn moon cannot (as far as the conventions of renku go) rise by a mountain with a snow-cap.
Though in reality, that big, yellow Autumn moon also rises in Antarctica, where there is nothing but ice and snow. 😉
ah, well ;-), I do enjoy finding out things, am happiest when learning…the eternal student!
– Lorin
Good morning!
First the title:
I love Lorin’s suggestion:
Green Glass : Red Door
Why not ?
= omote and ura !
With a colon in between. . .
Genevieve,
crag would go – for the Himalayas is a massive mountain range and it has all these faces and more . . .
Snow-capped:
But I do love snow-capped, because the Himalayas is snow- capped most of the time.
But . . .
From the month of May it is a trekker’s paradise. . . with the snow- capped mountains seen in ranges farther away.
so we can’t have it as an Autumn verse, Lorin –
The best season for trekking is:
May / June / August / September / October / November
Snow-capped mountains will always be there, but in my view it would be regarded as a winter kigo
The issue of kigo seems to plague us, I can see 🙂
I can see Lorin’s angle only too well.
_kala
Hi Kala, but May isn’t Autumn for India, is it Kala? Can’t be! It’s the last month of Autumn here, in the SH!
I thought your moon verse was an Autumn verse?
“I would like to ask kala to write us
a moon verse, preferably a happy harvest moon, definitely of the autumn season.” Eiko
imo, in Winter, when it snows, just ‘snow-capped’ would be out, and it’d be more likely ‘snow-covered’. Even here we have the ‘Australian Alps’, in Victoria and NSW, which have snow in Winter. But they are not high enough to have a ‘snow-cap’ in other seasons, like the high Himalayan mountains.
Anyway 😉 interesting to be able to exchange our different views.
– Lorin
Claire,
I really didn’t understand what you said about the golden eagle and Serge etc!!
I don’t get a word of French!
_kala
Hello Eiko,
I like ‘spring melancholy and the red door’. To me it invites the reader into a story. It gives a suggestion that the red door will have some effect on the melancholy – perhaps as a symbol of happiness that could take the melancholy away.
Best wishes,
Genevieve.
Lorin, Genevieve and Kala,
We have written a renku, which has over 1000 years of practice/traditon,
in
a new language (English used as a global language!) of
the 21 st century.
I want a balance between: traditon and a new language.
Hereby I decide the title of our Koyomi:
“spring melancholy and the red door”
Thanking you from the bottom of my heart,
eiko
Dear Eiko,
“spring melancholy and the red door”
A fine title. A celebration!
All best wishes,
Genevieve.
September / October / November is our autumn months, Lorin . . .
So what I meant is that from May ( when the snow is melting) to November when the whether has cleared, it’s all fine for trekking
So even though we see the far away mountains snow-capped, we cannot generalise the Himalayas as snow-capped in the autumn months
Hope I’m clear, Lorin?
***
It was fun playing around with the title Eiko.
Tradition stagnates, if we have to stick to conventions. The fact we did Koyomi itself proves that tradition has to move, and I salute the prof who invented this . . .
my take on this!!:)
_kala
Hi Kala, yep 😉 …I got what you were saying confused.
For conventions sake we could say that the months for Indian seasons are the opposite to here…but, interestingly, where I live, as in the India you have described, we really have six seasons as well:
http://home.vicnet.net.au/~herring/seasons.htm
The seasons around Australia vary. The native people of the various areas had them down to a fine art, of course, having survived here for so many thousands of years.
But 🙂 (…and I wish I could find a way to do our ‘tongue-poking-out’ smiley here) I reckon you could find at least *one* snow-capped mountain which could be seen from somewhere in India (or Nepal) all the year around, and in Autumn …and that was my main point.
cheers,
– Lorin
Let me say, we call them “neiges éternelles” “eternal snow, everlasting snow”, so they can’t be used as a kigo word.
Yes, Serge Tomé would be glad to read the koyomi or, at least Kala’s ones. Two months ago, he was doing some work on Indian documents he had benn keeping for some seven years…
He gave the following link on the list :
http://www.tempslibres.org/india/
I found that link :
http://www.backfilms.com/site/himalaya/
about a film shot in 1999, in Nepal, with a child, Karma Wangiel (Passang), Thilen Lhondup… shot in the Dolpo in the north-west of the Himalayan mountains (title would be ; Himalaya, a chief’s childhood”)
Today is Pentecost Monday, so it’s holy-day. I close the computer…
Have a night day or night !
Claire
whoops…I replied to you above, under Kala’s post, Claire…sometimes I get confused as to where my posts will turn up on this blog!
– Lorin
Hi Claire – just a repost from above – you could send Serge this way so he can have a read of our renku?
Hi Claire, yes, Ashley’s suggestion is the best thing… send the ‘snail’ url to Serge so that he can read it here.
Once something is put on ‘temps libre’, you know, it is considered published. I know that Serge doesn’t like work on ‘temps libre’ to be regarded as published, but I have been through this (and so have many others) and that’s how the journals, both online and print, view the matter.
Eiko would like to submit this renku for publication. It is better that no part of it should appear anywhere but here prior to publication.
– Lorin
Lorin, I hope this post pops up in the right place!
In Japanese we have the idiom: mannen yuki,
ten thousand year old snow, which is the equivalent of that
French: eternal snow. (sorry I can’t type French)
This is not a kigo.
Yukigefuji— or “Mt Fuji with melting snow” is a kigo for summer.
The artist of the woodblock may have this kigo in mind.
In my saijiki there are about 100 kigo that include the word: snow (or yuki), most of them are winter kigo
but quite a few are spring kigo (such as snowmelt,
snow avalanche, remaining snow etc). And a few are summer kigo. I can’t find any for autumn. Can you think of any?
Don’t lament so, dear friend.
Hi Eiko,
No, I can’t think of any seasonal reference (& certainly not kigo!) for snow in Autumn. I live in a practically snowless country, though there is snow in the mountains here in Winter (& in Winter only, and relatively briefly)
🙂 …my only thought, and it might be absurd, is that I wonder if there is an expression in Japanese equivalent to ‘ten thousand year-old snow-caps’… mannen yuki – um, ‘caps’. That snow which remains the year around on the peaks of the really high mountains of the world, and which would have to be, as you say ‘10,000 year-old snow’ is, categorised as non-seasonal.
– Lorin
Hi, Lorin,
I respect your thought. In this case, it is best
not to include too many images into a verse
of the quiet. I hope you can see my point.
sincerely,
eiko
Hello Eiko,
Yes, I think I have learnt a bit more about the role of kigo in Japanese renku and haiku over the course of this renku and I sincerely thank you for this opportunity to gain a little more insight. I can also understand that the translation of this renku into Japanese, and the extent to which it might be acceptable to a Japanese audience, has been a determining factor.
Kigo, as listed in saijiki, has been a very important factor from the beginning, with Willie’s ‘spring melancholy’ and Barbara’s ‘fiddleheads’ both to be found in Kenkichi Yamamoto’s (translated) ‘The Five Hundred Essential Japanese Keywords’
http://www.2hweb.net/haikai/renku/500ESWd.html
The priority, in Kala’s moon verse, even though it is in a traditional ‘moon verse’ position at verse #5, was that there be not even a trace of a suggestion of any other possible season to conflict with the Autumn-by-default moon.
Listed in saijiki there are:
“… 100 kigo that include the word: snow (or yuki). . .” which pertain to Winter, Spring and Summer, but not one for Autumn.
And ‘snow-caps’ /’eternal snow’ would have to be a ‘no-season’ word, but it doesn’t easily translate into Japanese and is not listed as a ‘no-season’ word.
I think I understand a bit better, now: kigo first, all other considerations secondary.
Enjoyed the discussion! Thank you! 😉
best wishes,
Lorin
Dear Renju,
Please find the definitive text and its translation below.
Falling love with this poem, I will try to find a home
for it so that many renku lovers around the world can enjoy our work.
sincerely yours,
eiko yachimoto
25 May, 2010
=========================
The definitive text:
Koyomi: spring melancholy & the red door
led by eiko yachimoto
started May 9, 2010
completed May 22, 2010
(omote)
spring melancholy
a green glass tortoise
in morning dew (willie) （spring)
fiddleheads sway
along the pathway (barbara) (spring)
at the hairpin bend
a timber jinker slows
to the speed limit (lorin) (no season)
snap, crackle and pop
cones thrown on the fire (sandra) (autumn)
in the gathering stillness
of a majestic mountain
the rising full moon (kala) (autumn)
our king is seated and
the concert master nods (eiko) (no season)
*** ***
(ura)
such cool quays
lovers are strolling to
Saint-Germain-des-Prés (claire) (summer/love)
across the square the red
door of our first home(geneviève) (no season/love)
through the keyhole
a vixen with her cubs
scavenging (barbara, claire) (winter)
… a sudden thud
as an eagle lands (kala) (winter)
cut-out blossoms
paper and scissors
spread on the table (ashley) (no season with spring flavor)
the warming breeze
tugs at our writing sheets(john) (spring)
〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜
Japanese version:
暦：春愁と赤い戸 捌：谷地元瑛子
平成２２年５月９日起首、同年５月２２日満尾
(表）
春愁やガラスの亀に朝の露 ウィリー
小径を行けば揺れる早蕨 バーバラ
七曲り丸太切り出し運ぶらん ローリン
松ぼっくりを投げる火の上 サンドラ
秀峰に静寂（しじま）集めて月上る カーラ
ご臨席得て奏者に合図 瑛子
（裏）
さんざめきサンジェルマンへ恋涼み クレア
赤い戸は新居広場の向かい ジェネヴィーブ
鍵穴から雌ギツネ一家跋扈見え クレア／バーバラ
翼バサリとイヌワシ着地 カーラ
今生れし切り紙の花卓の上 アシュレ
用箋たぐる貝寄せの風 ジョン
g’day Eiko, all
I do like the title. Thank you for this translation, and for your patience with us. I am appreciative of your efforts to share our exercise with a wider audience.
Thanks everyone. Looking forward to our next adventures….
Peace and Love
Hello Barbara,
I feel like talking to an old friend! Your
interest in renku Is something so dependable.
thank you. As you have tried, I will try
finding a home for this renku. Would you let me know
which city you live?
I live in Yokosuka city, Kanagawa Prefecture.
sincerely,
eiko
Thanks for the experience, Eiko, I do feel I’ve learnt a lot.
Wishing you success in the publication and reception of this renku, which I’ve been very pleased to be a part of.
… and thanks to all for another inspiring renku!
– Lorin
Willie is in hospital, having had acute renal failure. . . a bit more serious than ‘spring melancholy’!
No wonder he hasn’t been feeling very well!
– Lorin
Hi there,
“mannen”, is on the online Japanese-Français, and means “eternal”. Definitely, not a kigo word !
Yes, I’ll give the link to Serge. Then, I don’t know if he can choose to have it in Tempslibres. I don’t think so, as it is all new and this Eiko’s priority. He may, however, choose to have it on list for us all to get some experience. We are not many (10? 15? taking part). Some have quite a good English, Danièle (who got the third place on the Japanese embassy contest in Dakar, Damien, who won the “Cherry blossoms Vancouver Contest” some years ago, Vincent, Danièle’s daughter”and Meriem who helps Serge with 575 ; so, then, that may bring you other candidates ! Altough, I’m not at all sure they are interested in renku.
So, please, tell-me, if you wish ONLY Serge. Then, I tell him.
Thank you, Eiko, for all the time granted to us, your interest and contribution, too !
warm wishes to everybody,
And, my best to Willy…
Hi, Claire,
I would appreciate if you could tell me
your family name and your city.
It’s been nice to have you on the board!
sincerely,
eiko
Oh, well, a last question !
Do we have to consider the koyomi as a shisan, a derivative of shisan, or zekku ? It’s just a bit troubling…
Thank you,
claire
Do you want our names and locations, Eiko?
Just in case, mine is:
Lorin Ford, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
cheers,
– Lorin
Oh, Lorin, this was just what I was going to ask.
thank you for letting me know.
I heard there are nice places and things in
Melbourne. Someday I would like to visit!
hello again to All,
I’ve just seen that John has updated his ‘excercises’ page on Renku Reckoner, and has added the four verse Yotsomuno to his guides under ‘Common Sequences’.
Another exciting possibility from the man who created the ‘zip’ form of haiku/ renku verse!
http://www.renkureckoner.co.uk/
cheers,
Lorin
Thank you, Eiko. It’s been very interesting working with you – and an exciting experience to be part of the first Koyomi composed in English. Thank you for all your guidance.
Thank you everyone – as Barbara said, I look forward to our next adventure.
And as always, thank you Ashley for this great site!
I hope Willy will make a speedy and complete recovery.
All best wishes to everyone,
Genevieve.
Just in case you need it Eiko:
Genevieve Osborne, Sydney, NSW, Australia.
Genevieve,
You know what? My thyme has been in bloom while
we were doing Koyomi. I think of you as I water…
Thank you.
eiko
Dear Eiko,
I hope your thyme will continue to bloom and give your days good flavour for many years!
With best wishes,
Genevieve.
Thanks Eiko,
It was a great experience all through and I loved the discussions and interactions!
Thanks to all . . . nice getting to know you all through this renku trip 🙂
My name, in case you need:
Kala Ramesh
Pune, India
warmly,
_kala
Dear kala,
I feel w’ve got to know each other better now through
this Koyomi:–)
I will check my world map for your city!
thank YOU.
eiko
Hi all, it’s great to see this completed text of the first Koyomi in English. Thank you for selecting that ageku candidate of mine. And many thanks to Eiko for tightening the draft. I’d like to add my own appreciation of our sabaki’s comprehensive and inclusive effort.
On a technical level I find this six plus six idea of the Koyomi is quite attractive – not least because, as Eiko pointed out earlier, it allows us to consider aspects of Basho’s style that other 12 verse sequences will not accomodate.
Claire, I believe I can answer your specific question. The Koyomi is a contemporary proposal for a specific arrangement of 12 verses. The Shisan is another and slightly earlier proposal. The Junicho likewise. All of these are renku sequences – that is, they are directly in the line of development from Matsuo Basho’s school of haikai-no-renga. So they are autonomous – one does not depend upon the other.
The zekku is a very much older style of short sequence which is only related to haikai-no-renga in that (a) it may have influenced the development of early linked verse technique and (b) I have cited it as an paradigm for aspects of the Yotsumono, a controversial proposal for a four verse sequence which I have just made public (thanks Lorin) at Renku Reckoner.
I’d respectfully like to make a general suggestion to everybody: please take time out to read back through all of Eiko’s comments during the course of this composition. There is a fantastic ammount of information there which, I know from personal experience, can be quite easy to overlook at the time as one concentrates purely on the specifics of this or that draft of a particular verse.
It would be a shame to allow this creative energy to dissipate. And, given that we have composed several Junicho here, and now a Koyomi, it might make sense to examine the other 12 verse sequence, the Shisan.
Watch this space! John
Good Evening, John,
Thank you for writing a wonderful ageku and
commenting on the process so favorably!
How nice it sounds when you say shi-sa-n!
Good Luck,
eiko
Thank you, John.
I wanted to know more on these renku forms, and am glad to learn they are not directly linked… so, that, there are real different forms.
Our koyomi represents the world through its images, ondoor/outdoor, seasons, name places (directly or indirectly), jo, ha, kyu (But, how did they come to invent those forms…) and, of course its developping form, omote and ura. Time will help to realize better, I think ; reading again and get to know.
shi (death ?) sa (difference ?) san (three) ???
So, Ill be going on the newRenkureckoner…
Thank you again, it wasa great experience to share between us all, whereas the occidental poetry, at Bsho’s time was especially an individual form (Ronsard, DuBellay, … the lakist poets…) Here, there is the conviviality of sharing whih is not known in the occidental world.
To Eiko :
who had the patience of hearing my fumbling fingers !
Claire Gardien, Hirson, Aisne, France
Warm wishes to you all !
Claire
ps: don’t worry, Kala, my “Indian” is no better than your French (and if tou had an idea of our verbs…)
the true link to the film is,
http://www.himalaya-fr.com
Willie’s name and location:
William Sorlien, St. Paul, Minnesota, USA
cheers,
– Lorin
Lorin, thank you So much. Please convey
my voice to him: Get well, Willie-san.
eiko
g’day Eiko
Thanks again. Great to be part of this poem.
Looking forward to the next…….
Peasce and Love
Barbara A Taylor, Mountain Top, NSW, Australia
Barbara, I will look for your city on my map! thank you. eiko
Please, Ashley, if you could erase the long passage on, “la scène du lac”.
It did not turn out as I wanted ! The film is on amazon France, however… I don’t know if it was put into English…
It was shot in the Himalayan mountains (Dolpo) with a caravan of yaks and cameras on the yacks’ backs around a lake (altitude, 5000 mètres. I” buy it, personnally…
Himalaya, a Jack Valli film (1988 or 1989)
Sandra Simpson, Tauranga, New Zealand.
thanks, sandara, you are in New Zealand!
Ashley Capes, Victoria, Australia
Sorry about the delay there!
Hi Eiko,
Claire Gardien, Hirson, Aisne, France
You may not have seen it in the other paragraph above…
Sorry to repeat…
Have a good day (Willy, how are-you ?),
Claire
Claire, in fact, I have. It’s so kind of you to make it sure. eiko
Everyone, let me broadcast (?) a commercial:
http://poetrywriting.org/Sketchbook5-2MarApr2010/Sketchbook_5-2_MarApr_2010_Eiko_Yachimoto_Chapter_6_Hisajo_s_haiku_at_the_second_peak_of_her_creativity.htm
In summer when you have ample free time,
enjoy my Hisajo series! Would appreciate if I could hear
your comments in September!
thanking you,
eiko
Hi Snailers!
If you’re interested, the cordite zombie renku is still running and we’d love some new blood, as it were!
Ashley
http://www.cordite.org.au/features/zombie-renga/
Just a late mention of some autumn/snow kigo,
as it has turned up somewhere else
kigo for mid-autumn :
Fuji no hatsuyuki 富士の初雪 (ふじのはつゆき)
first snow on Mount Fuji
kigo for late autumn :
shuusetsu 秋雪 (しゅうせつ) snow in autumn
….. aki no yuki 晩秋 秋の雪（あきのゆき）
….. aki no hatsuyuki 秋の初雪（あきのはつゆき） first snow in autumn
yuki jitaku 雪支度（ゆきじたく） preparing for snow
SNOW kigo for all year round
http://worldkigodatabase.blogspot.com/2006/07/snow-yuki.html
Greetings from a hot day in Japan !
Gabi
Hi Gabi! Thank you very much for dropping by!
As you can see, we’re pretty quite at the Snail at the moment, but I’m hoping to change that soon.
Isn’t it fascinating to think of ‘snow’ as an autumn kigo? As it’s such a classically ‘winter’ idea – but of course, snow can always come early, huh?
(and greetings from a very wintry/barely spring Australia!)
Hi, too!
Snow as an autumn kigo…
I can’t judge in the case of Japan, and especially concerning Mount Fuji’s characteristics. However, kigos are old Japan’s season words, so real to the country’s geographic peculiarities.
With the global warming, won’t they count as some historical database of Japan?
Following Gabi’s everyday entries on the Worldkigo database, I happen to realize (or, am-I wrong?) that kigos are of a very large amount, much larger than what I could imagine…
Snow can come early anyway, as there are now so many winters without a single fluff of snow (mid-northen part of France). What about it in Germany-Bayern?
Dérangements climatiques…
It sometimes happens that the Tour de France meets snow on its way in the Alps, which, of course, is undue at that period of the year (july, summer), even if there are eternal snows on top of the highest peaks (Mont Blanc… ). Right now, there is a very large pool of water in the underground there which is being pumped (it already happened in the 1850’s and, (of course) neither episodic snow nor undue pool of water can’t count as kigos (or, even seasonal words?).
So… is early autumn snow on Mount Fuji something common, as to be registered as kigo?
As for your previous entry on late summer kigos, there are here, the little sugared yellow plums of the east (mirabelles), figs in the south, table grapes (esp. chasselas (white) and muscat (blue), soon to come the wine grapes in Champagne and everywhere, berries…
The same in Germany (quetsches?) and grapes, too. Everywhere, the autumn crops, anyway…
Just wondering…
Strange Australian winter/early spring, it seems.
Greetings, too, with a hot september sun after a cold period in august.